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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH does this to upset me.

152 replies

Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 13:28

Whenever we have a row he mimics me, I absolutely hate it and it really really upsets me!

For example I'll say something like "you're really. It being fair" and he will repeat it back to me in a stupid voice, insinuating it's like I sound. Inevitably this really upsets me and I've asked him to stop so often and he says he will but then does it again. I just feel really ridiculed and then get upset so he then says in a baby voice "oh whattodo is upset, oh dear". I've had to just leave the house this morning because I can't bear it.

I've got to go back, but I just feel totally down with it. It's always important to him to win every argument and when he does this I can't seem to argue back, I just need to get away from it.

I know this is weak and pathetic but it makes me feel physically sick.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 15/07/2018 15:23

Oh my god. What a nasty, pathetic fool he is. Expressing such contempt for you. Ugh. Hateful.

Enjoy your week away, and focus on a life away from someone as low as that.

Original poster
Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 15:25

At the moment I've just booked for the two nights, but I'm sure I can extend it. It doesn't seem overly busy.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 15/07/2018 15:30

Consider whether you judge his opinion so highly that you need to be upset by anything he says. You know - if someone you respect says something bad about you for a reason, then that's upsetting, and should make you reconsider your behaviour, as their opinion is worth something. But if someone immature says something unpleasant because he is incapable of actually discussing an issue with you, that is worth nothing: it might be shocking but you know it's not a reflection of anything bad about you.

Then consider why you put up with this. Is there some amazingly wonderful other aspect of his personality that makes up for it? What would life be like without him; more or less enjoyable? Where could you live; how would it work out? Think about it properly rather than automatically thinking it would all be impossible. If you would have to move, where would you rather like to live?

Then go into a discussion of your future together with those things in mind, rather than feeling that his childish behaviour is anything more than just that, or that you have to put up with it as you have been together so long.

Would he do this to his mother? To his boss? To your neighbour? To a waitress in a restaurant? Or would he treat them with more common courtesy?

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 15/07/2018 15:36

I'm really glad you are getting some space away OP that is very needed

What he's doing is so very nasty and belittling

Original poster
Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 15:38

@ravenmum oddly that's his defence when things have calmed down and we talk?

He actually says why does it bother you, you know it's childish behaviour so why don't you just ignore me.

But for whatever reason it does really upset me, maybe it's because I know he knows that I'm going to be upset and it's not the actual act. I don't know, but it certainly does get to me.

OP posts:
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 15/07/2018 15:40

Whatsnoton, good for you. I was going to suggest just pack and go, and you've done that. Do consider extending your time away. I suspect you will be able to think more clearly with time away from him. He is a bully, so he may attempt to bully you into coming back. If that doesn't work, the shock may cause him to promise to change. If you do engage with him do it on your own terms, and please take your time! You may find you like your new freedom. Best of luck to you!

Joysmum · 15/07/2018 15:44

He actually says why does it bother you, you know it's childish behaviour so why don't you just ignore me

If he says that you just explain that you judge him by your own standards. You deserve to be heard and if you started ignoring him through lack of respect as he does you then all hoe for your relationship is lost because that means you’ll have given up too.

ErrolTheDragon · 15/07/2018 16:01

If he knows it's childish behaviour why doesn't he grow up and stop it?

Presumably because he doesn't want to. If he did stop it, he would find some other button to push. Some other way of derailing any discussion or disagreement rather than behaving with respect (let alone love).

ravenmum · 15/07/2018 16:07

you know it's childish behaviour so why don't you just ignore me
You don't ignore him because normally people don't ignore what their partners say: they take their comments seriously. Because normally, a partner says kindly meant, useful things, even when criticising you.
Of course it will take a while to reprogramme yourself from treating him like someone worth listening to. That's why you need to spend time really thinking carefully. Going away sounds like an excellent idea.

Original poster
Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 16:08

@ErrolTheDragon I think it's because he knows it upsets me.

OP posts:
TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 15/07/2018 16:09

Well done OP. Have a good long think about what exactly he does bring to your life. Flowers

Original poster
Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 16:12

I'm just leaving now, I'll be settled in travel lodge later. I've taken the bedroom fav as don't think travel lodges have aircon?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 16:14

Thank you everyone! The only good thing about getting so upset is that it wears me out, so at least I'll sleep tonight.

OP posts:
IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 15/07/2018 16:24

Someone who is supposed to love would never do something to deliberately upset you. Ever. He's a prick.

And he seems the type of guy you just can't reason with and for that reason I would leave him.

I've had some dingers with my DH but I've never felt the need to move out. Some space alone in the bedroom or out for a walk, yes, but not to the extent of moving out for an extended period of time.

ErrolTheDragon · 15/07/2018 16:34

I think it's because he knows it upsets me.

Yes. There really isn't any other explanation, I'm afraid.

Sometimes loving, supportive partners will say something upsetting in the heat of the moment, but this repeated behaviour doesn't sound like that.

eightfacesofthemoon · 15/07/2018 16:34

Wow well done for leaving, to get headspace.

Him saying what he says afterwards is just blaming you. A bully does that,
oh why do you take it so seriously I was only joking when I said your mum should die from cancer
I was only joking when I said you were so ugly no one would ever want you.
Etc etc.
Why can’t you just laugh it off.

You get my drift. This is what bullies do, they make the bullied persons feelings totally invalid. Therefore getting a second punch in under a different guise

Jeezoh · 15/07/2018 16:48

You’ve done the right thing, and the dignified thing, in removing yourself from the situation.

He knows that it upsets you, yet he chooses to continue to do it - perhaps because his need to win an argument outweighs his desire to treat you with respect.

Arum51 · 15/07/2018 17:05

It's not 'childish' behaviour, it's 'contemptuous' behaviour. Horrible.

Glad you've taken some space. Does he know you've gone, and why?

mimibunz · 15/07/2018 17:10

In a dead serious tone, “Do that again and I will divorce you.”

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 15/07/2018 17:11

@mimibunz 👍

Snickerdoodledandy · 15/07/2018 17:21

OP my oh kept saying something to me that upset me and knew. I told him if he did that again then I would call him something that he's sensitive about to do with his appearance. I used it a couple of times worked a treat. Apart from that I've said ' oh grow up' or ' can you really not think it anything more original to say? It's really boring' Anyway enjoy yr holiday from the immature git. Hope u haven't told him where yr going. That'll make him worry for sure. WinkWine

myusernamewastakenbyme · 15/07/2018 17:47

Ive just split from a man that used to do this...he didnt do it during a row but when i was laughing....he would mimic my laugh and i instantly felt shit....it was like when i was happy he was trying to bring me down....

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 15/07/2018 17:56

He actually says why does it bother you, you know it's childish behaviour so why don't you just ignore me.

When children do it, it’s because they lack the ability to engage with the discussion so resort to mocking/bullying behavior to “win”.

An adult does not lack the ability to engage with the discussion. He’s still trying to “win”, but he’s very explicitly showing you that he prefers to treat you contemptuously rather than respectfully. That’s why it feels upsetting.

Well done for taking some time out.

Thebluedog · 15/07/2018 18:05

Make sure he knows the reas N you’re leaving for a few days

I’d say ‘since you’ve contributed to mimic me and it’s exactly what I keep asking you not to, it’s apparent to me you’re doing this on purpose to upset me. So I need some time away from you, to c seer my options, I’ll see you in a few days.

LannieDuck · 15/07/2018 18:08

He actually says why does it bother you, you know it's childish behaviour so why don't you just ignore me

i) because he knows it upsets you and he does it anyway

ii) because it means the underlying issues are never resolved

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