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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where do I go from here......

138 replies

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:05

In my mind I know the answer, just need somewhere to vent and I will try and keep it short without dripfeeding

Was happy living alone for about 12 years with the odd relationship in between. Very independent, good job, own house, liked to travel. More than capable of fending and looking after myself.

Met someone a couple of years ago, he moved in within 6 months. We get along fine with one problem. Sex.....I can take it or leave it to be honest. He is a sex and BJ everyday kind of person and that just isn't me and it's always caused a bit of a rift.

I'm the main earner, he doesn't pay towards household upkeep, but this is my doing. I don't want him having a 'claim' to my home. He doesn't have a home elsewhere.

He is quite lazy around the house, I get up at 4.30am every morning to do his lunch, I cook every evening when he comes in from work sits down and doesn't move for the rest of the evening, doesn't cook himself m, doesn't clean. I think this next bit is important I'm British, he is from a country where the women 'look after' their men. I.e they do everything, man does fuck all.

I have up until been 'ok' with this. Deep down I hate every fucking minute of it. A believe a bit of help won't go amiss.

I do his finances, tax returns, sorts out all his shit from insurances to speeding tickets. I literally manage his life. Again he says is a cultural thing, that's what women do.

Anyway back to the sex thing, he gets very uptight when he isn't satisfied, I don't rise to his anger tell just him isn't 2-3 times a week enough?

Well apparently it's not, apparently last night I didn't give him his promised (BJ) I never promised anything of the sort and at early hours this morning (before I had even woken up) he has blown up in my face telling me, I'm supposed to look after the man and we are not compatible, he could get what he wants easily elsewhere, he does everything for me (he does fuck all)

When I ask, exactly what do you do? He can't actually come up with an answer.

So this morning I tell him, later we will chat. I was very calm, no raising my voice (he rides a motorbike to work so I am mindful not to wind him up, but he has done that himself this morning)

He said no point, I say yes there is a point because this is clearly an issue and it needs sorting. To then get another blow up saying 'oh so your splitting up with me'. I didn't actually say that.

In my mind I checked out months ago, but just go through the whole relationship motions to keep him happy. Remember, I don't actually need a man in my life, I'm not reliant on anyone.

So I sent him off to work, telling him to think about the words he said to me this morning.

This will go either way, he will have a think be very apologetic and say we can work it out.....or he will say let's split. However I'm not sure he will say that, he has nowhere to go and is literally incapable of looking after himself.

OP posts:
imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:06

Sorry to add I'm coming up to 40 so not exactly a teenager

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imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:08

In addition to looking after him, I work full time and have my own horses which I tend to twice a day, so I'm not exactly sitting around at home doing bugger all

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Toodamnhot · 13/07/2018 06:09

You must be absolutely mad. No idea why you are doing all that when you don’t even want to.

Don’t leave it to him to decide what happens next. Why don’t you just call it a day and send him on his way?

WasFatNowThin · 13/07/2018 06:11

I think it's time he left and you found yourself a decent guy.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:14

@Toodamnhot

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back. I've always stood my ground and I'm not a push over. I do what I do to keep the peace, but honestly I'm done with it.

He has made my home his, that's fine, but the upheaval of him leaving. It will be a nightmare.

In a way I'm also spineless, I hope he meets someone else that makes him happy (I genuinely want him to get happy) so he will quietly go

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imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:16

@WasFatNowThin

You know what I don't even want another man. He has kind of put me off them. Are they all so needy!?

In 12 years of living alone I only had two short relationships and they never lived with me.

I do sometimes think, is there a reason I'm 40, never married and don't really go for long term relationships

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Plsbemyturn · 13/07/2018 06:17

You life could be better without him.

diedyediedye · 13/07/2018 06:19

So instead of having a nightmare trying to get rid of him you want a lifetime of it instead. Take a day off work, pack his shit up, change the locks! Go stay with a friend or family for a few days if you don't want to be there when he comes home.

Toodamnhot · 13/07/2018 06:20

He may not go quietly so you need to be prepared for that. Decide what to do and stick to it.

limitedscreentime · 13/07/2018 06:20

Omg, please just put his stuff in the doorstep. I don’t care about his culture, he’s totally taking advantage of you. There is nothing in the way he treats you that makes him a a nice or compassionate human being. You deserve so much better and I can’t see how you wouldn’t be happier without him. Make space for someone worthy to enter your life.

Nellyphants · 13/07/2018 06:24

What’s in this for you?

Just tell him it’s over, put his stuff out. Change the locks.

I live alone, it’s great. You don’t need this gobshite

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:26

@Toodamnhot

No I don't think he will go quietly. That's my worry. I don't do rows and big confrontations

Just abruptly chucking his stuff out will cause a war, I need to do it gently. I sound like a friggin man child babysitter!

If it did cause another blow up, I would need to get my horses moved to an unknown location. That's another upheaval. I don't think he would do something, but may out of spite. I just don't know

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imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:27

@Nellyphants i loved living alone, I got into a relationship because I thought I needed to. I realise I was so wrong!

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Toodamnhot · 13/07/2018 06:27

You don’t need a big row or discussion. Tell him, I am ending this relationship, you need to leave. Repeat over and over.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:28

Please everyone I know I probably sound like I'm making my excess. Im not but If he goes I need to do this in the least confrontational way possible

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GreenEyedBlonde · 13/07/2018 06:29

*It will be a nightmare
*
No it won't mate - it will be a fucking dream!

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:30

@Toodamnhot he will make a big row out if it. I think he calls it 'a Mediterranean temper' his justification for talking to me like a piece of shit

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imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:31

*Excuses not excess

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sparklepops123 · 13/07/2018 06:31

You can't control how he reacts, just tell him it's over, you're clearly not compatible and he's a complete free loader/ lazy bastard. You may have to deal with some aggravation from him but won't it be worth it?

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:36

@sparklepops123 it will totally be worth it. First thing I will do is jump on a plane out of here for a week. I miss being able to just do that.

Your right I can't control his reaction, but it makes me a little uneasy

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sparklepops123 · 13/07/2018 06:40

Think of the end result not the process ! 💐

literallydumbfounded · 13/07/2018 06:48

If you are scared enough that it will get of hand to the point you will need to move your horses for their safety, then surely you should just call the police and say you have asked him to leave and he won't. And you are afraid for your safety and your animals.?? Rather than trying to do it peacefully and end up more unhappy??
I would do as pp have suggested and put all his stuff on the step and either hide inside or at a friends. But if you are worried he is going to try and break in, perhaps stay there and call the police if he tries any thing illegal. Remember it's your house, not his. And he isn't welcome there anymore.

rainbowstardrops · 13/07/2018 06:52

Well he's been living the life of Riley hasn't he?!!!
Him not having anywhere to live and not being able to look after himself are not your problem!!!
You'd be crazy to continue this 'relationship'.

Nellyphants · 13/07/2018 07:01

His Mediterranean temper...really pfft. He’s a bullying little man not a god. He doesn’t get to dictate to you.

As been said think of the result not the process. I’m a bit worried that you’d have to move your horses would he harm them? That’s a bit sinister.

Do you have somebody who could come & stay with you for a bit when you tell him to leave?

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:01

We are currently having a text conversation. Don't know where this is going to go

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