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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where do I go from here......

138 replies

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:05

In my mind I know the answer, just need somewhere to vent and I will try and keep it short without dripfeeding

Was happy living alone for about 12 years with the odd relationship in between. Very independent, good job, own house, liked to travel. More than capable of fending and looking after myself.

Met someone a couple of years ago, he moved in within 6 months. We get along fine with one problem. Sex.....I can take it or leave it to be honest. He is a sex and BJ everyday kind of person and that just isn't me and it's always caused a bit of a rift.

I'm the main earner, he doesn't pay towards household upkeep, but this is my doing. I don't want him having a 'claim' to my home. He doesn't have a home elsewhere.

He is quite lazy around the house, I get up at 4.30am every morning to do his lunch, I cook every evening when he comes in from work sits down and doesn't move for the rest of the evening, doesn't cook himself m, doesn't clean. I think this next bit is important I'm British, he is from a country where the women 'look after' their men. I.e they do everything, man does fuck all.

I have up until been 'ok' with this. Deep down I hate every fucking minute of it. A believe a bit of help won't go amiss.

I do his finances, tax returns, sorts out all his shit from insurances to speeding tickets. I literally manage his life. Again he says is a cultural thing, that's what women do.

Anyway back to the sex thing, he gets very uptight when he isn't satisfied, I don't rise to his anger tell just him isn't 2-3 times a week enough?

Well apparently it's not, apparently last night I didn't give him his promised (BJ) I never promised anything of the sort and at early hours this morning (before I had even woken up) he has blown up in my face telling me, I'm supposed to look after the man and we are not compatible, he could get what he wants easily elsewhere, he does everything for me (he does fuck all)

When I ask, exactly what do you do? He can't actually come up with an answer.

So this morning I tell him, later we will chat. I was very calm, no raising my voice (he rides a motorbike to work so I am mindful not to wind him up, but he has done that himself this morning)

He said no point, I say yes there is a point because this is clearly an issue and it needs sorting. To then get another blow up saying 'oh so your splitting up with me'. I didn't actually say that.

In my mind I checked out months ago, but just go through the whole relationship motions to keep him happy. Remember, I don't actually need a man in my life, I'm not reliant on anyone.

So I sent him off to work, telling him to think about the words he said to me this morning.

This will go either way, he will have a think be very apologetic and say we can work it out.....or he will say let's split. However I'm not sure he will say that, he has nowhere to go and is literally incapable of looking after himself.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 14/07/2018 08:57

Is he gone ?

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2018 09:13

Did he leave op? Get rid of him

imdonewiththis · 14/07/2018 09:23

Well there was another rare up just now.

Yesterday I said come home so we can at least talk face to face, just to clear the air and have an amicable split. I admit I didn't keep my promise of talking, I had a headache and felt like shit, so thought we will talk this morning.

Apparently this is my problem, I don't keep my promises. Changing my mind is not allowed.

There is no going back from this.

OP posts:
springydaff · 14/07/2018 09:30

Get rid of the disgusting leech

That about sums it up

Gruffalina72 · 14/07/2018 09:40

So what time is he leaving today, op?

MariePoppins1 · 14/07/2018 09:43

Sorry this sounds about the worst, most unsatisfying and manipulative relationship ever. Get rid of him asap, he's not your problem.

Gottokondo · 14/07/2018 09:46

Tell him its over and he needs to get his stuff and leave

Maelstrop · 14/07/2018 09:47

Get him out. He’s an idiot.

confusedmomm · 14/07/2018 09:52

You need to get rid of him. Will feel like a weight off your shoulders. So he has everything done for him plus lives for free, expects sex all the time. What about you? He may well have his culture and beliefs but you are together, it's about compromising and it doesn't sounds like that's happening. The sooner you get rid of him the better! For a mix of reasons I pay for 90% of expenses in our home but DH takes on all household chores including cooking, cleaning etc you can't have one person doing it all !

sparklepops123 · 14/07/2018 10:22

You're dragging it out which will not help you,show him the door today

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2018 10:34

There's no going back from any of this surely. Pack his stuff up and kick him out. Today.

bubbles108 · 14/07/2018 11:03

Pack his stuff. Change the locks. Get rid. Find some self respect @imdonewiththis

MrsLopsided · 14/07/2018 11:05

Apparently this is my problem, I don't keep my promises. Changing my mind is not allowed.

you are freely allowed to have a problem, because its over.
you don't have to speak to him about this at a pre-arranged time. You can talk whenever you want/need, or not at all, especially now that its over.
you don't have to keep your promises, because its over.
changing your mind is allowed, its your mind you can do what you want and think what you want.

at this point he shouldn't even be under your roof. to hell with his culture and all of his bullshit. When you repeatedly tell him its over, he doesn't get to decide otherwise and have you abide by that. why are you letting this no-mark do this to you?

bubbles108 · 14/07/2018 11:14

Well there was another rare up just now.

Why?

Why is he still in your home? Why are you still interacting with him?

Get rid. And get some self respect

Costacoffeeplease · 14/07/2018 11:19

Why the face to face talk?

Why is he still there?

I don’t understand any of this

BlueAir · 14/07/2018 11:27

No wonder he's still there, op, he says he's leaving and you tell
him to come home for a face to face and when he does nothing happens.

You're giving him the message that you're ok with the status quo -
tell him to leave then let him leave, op. No. further communication
is required or desirable. Let him go.

Marnie182 · 14/07/2018 11:32

Jesus op, you sound like a right push over. Just tell him to pack his bags ffs.

hedgebackwards · 14/07/2018 11:32

He has to go.

Do it.

Charley50 · 14/07/2018 12:13

Stop being horrible to the op. She said in her last post there's no coming back from this.
It can be quite scary kicking some men out, which is why I suggested she just change the locks while the wanker is out.

Ellenisia · 14/07/2018 16:22

I come from a culture where “women look after their men” and I do work part time, but that is out of choice... I was a SAHM for 7 years and I have free access to money, I can spend as much as I want, no questions asked. I drive a 2018 luxury SUV. I am bought limitless clothes, trainers, gym sessions- I have a personal trainer. Yes, I do a lot, and I “look after” my British man by doing all his shit and the kids, but I get something out of it... well, quite a lot. Plus he respects me, entertains the children and I fancy him a lot.

You’re not getting anything out of this relationship. Kick him out!

magoria · 14/07/2018 17:10

He isn't going until you force him out the door.

Why would he? He pays next to nothing, has nothing but contempt for you and you do everything.

If you want him out you are going to have to bite the bullet and get him out. Waiting and seeing will change nothing.

imdonewiththis · 14/07/2018 18:27

So he has gone.

Changing the bed now and I'm having an early night. Not sure I will sleep though.

Thank you all for your messages

A previous poster was right, I shouldn't need to be posting on mumsnet about this, but it was nice to read all your thoughts

OP posts:
literallydumbfounded · 14/07/2018 18:32

Well done OP I am sure in a few days your will feel amazing and so free. Enjoy your independence. And well done for staying strong!

sparklepops123 · 14/07/2018 18:37

Well done, over the next few days it will dawn on you how much easier life is without him 💐 and have a 🍸on me

Toohotme · 14/07/2018 18:41

Oh yes the best thing about being single - clean sheets that stay clean.

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