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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where do I go from here......

138 replies

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:05

In my mind I know the answer, just need somewhere to vent and I will try and keep it short without dripfeeding

Was happy living alone for about 12 years with the odd relationship in between. Very independent, good job, own house, liked to travel. More than capable of fending and looking after myself.

Met someone a couple of years ago, he moved in within 6 months. We get along fine with one problem. Sex.....I can take it or leave it to be honest. He is a sex and BJ everyday kind of person and that just isn't me and it's always caused a bit of a rift.

I'm the main earner, he doesn't pay towards household upkeep, but this is my doing. I don't want him having a 'claim' to my home. He doesn't have a home elsewhere.

He is quite lazy around the house, I get up at 4.30am every morning to do his lunch, I cook every evening when he comes in from work sits down and doesn't move for the rest of the evening, doesn't cook himself m, doesn't clean. I think this next bit is important I'm British, he is from a country where the women 'look after' their men. I.e they do everything, man does fuck all.

I have up until been 'ok' with this. Deep down I hate every fucking minute of it. A believe a bit of help won't go amiss.

I do his finances, tax returns, sorts out all his shit from insurances to speeding tickets. I literally manage his life. Again he says is a cultural thing, that's what women do.

Anyway back to the sex thing, he gets very uptight when he isn't satisfied, I don't rise to his anger tell just him isn't 2-3 times a week enough?

Well apparently it's not, apparently last night I didn't give him his promised (BJ) I never promised anything of the sort and at early hours this morning (before I had even woken up) he has blown up in my face telling me, I'm supposed to look after the man and we are not compatible, he could get what he wants easily elsewhere, he does everything for me (he does fuck all)

When I ask, exactly what do you do? He can't actually come up with an answer.

So this morning I tell him, later we will chat. I was very calm, no raising my voice (he rides a motorbike to work so I am mindful not to wind him up, but he has done that himself this morning)

He said no point, I say yes there is a point because this is clearly an issue and it needs sorting. To then get another blow up saying 'oh so your splitting up with me'. I didn't actually say that.

In my mind I checked out months ago, but just go through the whole relationship motions to keep him happy. Remember, I don't actually need a man in my life, I'm not reliant on anyone.

So I sent him off to work, telling him to think about the words he said to me this morning.

This will go either way, he will have a think be very apologetic and say we can work it out.....or he will say let's split. However I'm not sure he will say that, he has nowhere to go and is literally incapable of looking after himself.

OP posts:
anniefin · 14/07/2018 18:42

Hi OP,

Have a nice bath, a glass of wine and watch a movie.

You will feel like a weight as been lifted off your shoulders in the morning.

Put your phone on do not disturb in case he tries to contact you to try and talk you round. Stay strong and you will be happy again

Take care

Annie xx

WasFatNowThin · 14/07/2018 19:39

Well done, I'm proud of you x

Homebird8 · 14/07/2018 19:54

You’ve managed what needed to be done. Well done. It’s probably hard now to imagine what the next few days will be like never mind what follows. You have done the right thing though. Hope you sleep well.

TheClitterati · 14/07/2018 20:05

What a massive relief for you op! Well done.
Enjoy the clean sheets, and the rest of your life without the Tosser.

Gruffalina72 · 14/07/2018 20:12

Well done. It's easier for us to say these things than for you to do. I get that.

Be kind to yourself. It's ok to feel sad or hurt - it's grief that this didn't turn out the way you'd hoped. Which is natural and to be expected, but something to be aware of so you aren't tempted to go backwards. It's only regret for the lost dreams etc, not because it isn't the right call.

Take care. It's ok to post here if it helps you figure stuff out.

Dragongirl10 · 14/07/2018 22:55

Just looked in on your thread op, so glad it is done and you are free!

confusedmomm · 14/07/2018 23:20

Well done!

Gemini69 · 14/07/2018 23:28

is it definitely over ....

rainbowstardrops · 15/07/2018 06:17

How are you doing this morning? Thanks

ichifanny · 15/07/2018 06:30

Jesus what an awful man , thank god you saw sense and got rid of him OP I’d never accept any of that from my husband , he sounds like a lazy cock lodging bastard and a potential abuser , please don’t let him worm his way back in , think how happy you will be without running around after some lazy man and him demanding sex every day urgh makes me shudder . He will know he had a good thing though getting free lodgings and try to come back i’ll Bet , be ready for him .

eggncress · 15/07/2018 06:31

Good riddance to him OP Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2018 06:34

Very well done on doing what you already knew needed to be done. MN just gave you a little push but you did the hard stuff.

Hope you got some sleep.

Stay safe now (change the locks!) and look after yourself and get some RL support / company

Cherubfish · 15/07/2018 06:43

Well done OP. How are you feeling this morning?

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