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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where do I go from here......

138 replies

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:05

In my mind I know the answer, just need somewhere to vent and I will try and keep it short without dripfeeding

Was happy living alone for about 12 years with the odd relationship in between. Very independent, good job, own house, liked to travel. More than capable of fending and looking after myself.

Met someone a couple of years ago, he moved in within 6 months. We get along fine with one problem. Sex.....I can take it or leave it to be honest. He is a sex and BJ everyday kind of person and that just isn't me and it's always caused a bit of a rift.

I'm the main earner, he doesn't pay towards household upkeep, but this is my doing. I don't want him having a 'claim' to my home. He doesn't have a home elsewhere.

He is quite lazy around the house, I get up at 4.30am every morning to do his lunch, I cook every evening when he comes in from work sits down and doesn't move for the rest of the evening, doesn't cook himself m, doesn't clean. I think this next bit is important I'm British, he is from a country where the women 'look after' their men. I.e they do everything, man does fuck all.

I have up until been 'ok' with this. Deep down I hate every fucking minute of it. A believe a bit of help won't go amiss.

I do his finances, tax returns, sorts out all his shit from insurances to speeding tickets. I literally manage his life. Again he says is a cultural thing, that's what women do.

Anyway back to the sex thing, he gets very uptight when he isn't satisfied, I don't rise to his anger tell just him isn't 2-3 times a week enough?

Well apparently it's not, apparently last night I didn't give him his promised (BJ) I never promised anything of the sort and at early hours this morning (before I had even woken up) he has blown up in my face telling me, I'm supposed to look after the man and we are not compatible, he could get what he wants easily elsewhere, he does everything for me (he does fuck all)

When I ask, exactly what do you do? He can't actually come up with an answer.

So this morning I tell him, later we will chat. I was very calm, no raising my voice (he rides a motorbike to work so I am mindful not to wind him up, but he has done that himself this morning)

He said no point, I say yes there is a point because this is clearly an issue and it needs sorting. To then get another blow up saying 'oh so your splitting up with me'. I didn't actually say that.

In my mind I checked out months ago, but just go through the whole relationship motions to keep him happy. Remember, I don't actually need a man in my life, I'm not reliant on anyone.

So I sent him off to work, telling him to think about the words he said to me this morning.

This will go either way, he will have a think be very apologetic and say we can work it out.....or he will say let's split. However I'm not sure he will say that, he has nowhere to go and is literally incapable of looking after himself.

OP posts:
imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:54

I just reported the post. If someone can delete it please do

OP posts:
Oilyoilyoilgob · 13/07/2018 07:55

I’ve never put on here to emphatically leave someone, so I’m glad to read it’s over.
I’m actually worried for you and your darling animals-is there anyone that can be there with you for a few days (better yet don’t let him know?) and also your stables, can they be told to not let him in/extra security on the evenings?
He sounds abusive and unhinged, what a disgraceful person.

Please remember not to wobble-you’ll he far happier in your own company than his.

I think getting up occasionally to make a pack up is lovely, but being expected to do that at 4.30am as well as everything else is awful. I’m sure you’re feeling so drained and resentful.
If he kicks off, call the police immediately and do that every single time.
Good luck and take care x

Mummacake · 13/07/2018 08:00

He'll be expecting you to beg him to stay. Please don't. Let him take his stuff and go but I would try to have someone wuth you when he come for his stuff. I thought my verbally abusive ex wouldnt physically hurt me - I was wrong. This is really a gift - grab it with both hands or you'll struggle to get rid of him. Stay strong & stay safe.

Nellyphants · 13/07/2018 08:06

From what you’ve said you don’t even like this man anymore yet you’re doing your duty giving him bj to keep the peace.

Let him go

MrsLopsided · 13/07/2018 08:09

reported your last post OP. But reading those texts that is not a man who is agreeing its over, he is arguing that you are in the wrong and (probably deliberately) totally missing your point, and could well refuse to leave. And why would he - free accommodation, catering, his personal admin, regular sex. Your text says you love him but this isn't love, its servitude. you don't even like him.

Breaking up with someone after a relatively short relationship when you own your own home and have no kids should not require a thread on MN, fear for the safety of your animals or anything else. This level of difficulty is for women who are utterly tied, married, have DC and their lives, home, businesses, finances are so interwoven it is complicated to leave without trashing their own and their DC stability. You don't have that, you can tell him its done and put his stuff on the doorstep. you just don't think you can but he's got you thinking that. He's binned himself but you're going to have to make sure he stays that way.

vampirethriller · 13/07/2018 08:10

A couple of days of confrontation is worth the rest of your life back! If he really kicks off you can call the police. He's got no claim to anything as you said. If he works he can afford to get somewhere to live.
Trust me, you'll feel on top of the world when your house is your own again.

0hCrepe · 13/07/2018 08:14

Enjoy your holiday x

Toodamnhot · 13/07/2018 08:16

From those texts it doesn’t sound like either of you is ending it, just that you are complaining he doesn’t help and he is not offering to change.

Singlenotsingle · 13/07/2018 08:21

Just get rid of this big fat cuckoo that's sitting in your nest. Pack his stuff, leave it on the doorstep and change the locks. Then go away for a few days. Do you know anyone who could be with you when you eventually go home? Dad, brother, good friend (pref male)?

MMmomDD · 13/07/2018 08:27

OP - count your blessings and don’t look back.
He’ll try to do all be can to manipulate you to beg him to stay. He has a perfect setup with you. A woman he convinced to be his servant and a sugar-mommy in the same package. Without really giving you anything.

Run. As fast as you can.

mumpatrol · 13/07/2018 08:40

Honestly I'd just pack his shit up and leave it outside for when he's due to be back from work I'd rather not have that awful freeloading excuse of a man anywhere near my home again.

Cricrichan · 13/07/2018 08:54

I'm glad it's over. I would get a friend to come home with you tonight.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 08:55

I'm signing off for a few hours, got to go to work. But I will be back later.

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
limitedscreentime · 13/07/2018 08:57

Yes, please don’t let him back in the house, it’s an inch when you know he will always take the mile. He said he is coming to get his stuff, make sure it is ready and waiting for him. The situation needs to be clear.

WasFatNowThin · 13/07/2018 08:59

Best of luck x

liquidrevolution · 13/07/2018 10:23

Don't let him back in the house. Pack some essentials for the next couple of days and leave them on doorstep. Arrange a time when you have friends or family round for him to collect rest of stuff, start piling it up in a spare room to minimise contact. And get those locks changed asap!

're the horses could you temporarily move them somewhere? If not let all the horsey people in the area know so they can keep an eye out. It's a good community!

Don't worry about being single at 40. It's better than being in an abusive relationship and 40.

liquidrevolution · 13/07/2018 10:24

Btw if any man said that to me (the wanking) I would chop his knob off.

Oldraver · 13/07/2018 10:52

Buy a new lock while you're out OP

Thebluedog · 13/07/2018 11:02

Congratulations OP and well done, sounds like a lucky escape Flowers

notthisagain83 · 13/07/2018 11:26

I hope for your sake he will just come and get his stuff and leave quietly.
What a knob.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 17:17

Ok I'm back home.

He is home, sat down like nothing has happened. Grunted as a hello and that was it. I’m a bit gobsmacked! Confused

It's very quiet but no way has he won. I'm not going to cause a row, just going too see what happens in the next few hours.

Head fuck in its biggest form!!!!

OP posts:
MrsLopsided · 13/07/2018 17:32

what no cookery and wank at you?

yeah right, he's not going anywhere. he's got too good a set up.

you don't even like him. you don't want him in your home any more. what are you going to do about it?

sparklepops123 · 13/07/2018 17:35

Stick to your guns and get him out ! Ask him when he's going to start packing and when he is gone get the locks changed

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 13/07/2018 17:38

You sound so passive. In your own home!?!?!? Dear christ just call the police (if he gets agressive ) and tell him to go, get some friends round and pack his shit up if need be.
Why are you tip toeing around these complete and utter wanker in YOUR house? He has obviously got you well trained and fully expects you to revert to stupid doormat pretty soon. You are in charge of your own life, such a shame you are wasting it on such a loser.Flowers

DownAtFraggleRock · 13/07/2018 17:43

i'd be packing his bag for him

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