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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where do I go from here......

138 replies

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 06:05

In my mind I know the answer, just need somewhere to vent and I will try and keep it short without dripfeeding

Was happy living alone for about 12 years with the odd relationship in between. Very independent, good job, own house, liked to travel. More than capable of fending and looking after myself.

Met someone a couple of years ago, he moved in within 6 months. We get along fine with one problem. Sex.....I can take it or leave it to be honest. He is a sex and BJ everyday kind of person and that just isn't me and it's always caused a bit of a rift.

I'm the main earner, he doesn't pay towards household upkeep, but this is my doing. I don't want him having a 'claim' to my home. He doesn't have a home elsewhere.

He is quite lazy around the house, I get up at 4.30am every morning to do his lunch, I cook every evening when he comes in from work sits down and doesn't move for the rest of the evening, doesn't cook himself m, doesn't clean. I think this next bit is important I'm British, he is from a country where the women 'look after' their men. I.e they do everything, man does fuck all.

I have up until been 'ok' with this. Deep down I hate every fucking minute of it. A believe a bit of help won't go amiss.

I do his finances, tax returns, sorts out all his shit from insurances to speeding tickets. I literally manage his life. Again he says is a cultural thing, that's what women do.

Anyway back to the sex thing, he gets very uptight when he isn't satisfied, I don't rise to his anger tell just him isn't 2-3 times a week enough?

Well apparently it's not, apparently last night I didn't give him his promised (BJ) I never promised anything of the sort and at early hours this morning (before I had even woken up) he has blown up in my face telling me, I'm supposed to look after the man and we are not compatible, he could get what he wants easily elsewhere, he does everything for me (he does fuck all)

When I ask, exactly what do you do? He can't actually come up with an answer.

So this morning I tell him, later we will chat. I was very calm, no raising my voice (he rides a motorbike to work so I am mindful not to wind him up, but he has done that himself this morning)

He said no point, I say yes there is a point because this is clearly an issue and it needs sorting. To then get another blow up saying 'oh so your splitting up with me'. I didn't actually say that.

In my mind I checked out months ago, but just go through the whole relationship motions to keep him happy. Remember, I don't actually need a man in my life, I'm not reliant on anyone.

So I sent him off to work, telling him to think about the words he said to me this morning.

This will go either way, he will have a think be very apologetic and say we can work it out.....or he will say let's split. However I'm not sure he will say that, he has nowhere to go and is literally incapable of looking after himself.

OP posts:
happysnappysandwich · 13/07/2018 07:03

You actually sound quite fearful of his reaction op. Has he ever been physically aggressive towards you?
Either way, you need to get rid of this man child ASAP and claim your life and house back.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:07

@happysnappysandwich no, I can hand on my heart say he has never been abusive. Verbally a bit of a twat but nothing I can't handle.

I'm just very protective over my horses.

OP posts:
happysnappysandwich · 13/07/2018 07:13

Fair enough. What kind of thing is he saying via text? If he has any sense he'll start trying to be lovely to you if he realises the game is up. But it sounds like you need to be quite firm with him. It's not working, you need to leave kind of firm.

itbemay · 13/07/2018 07:15

It doesn’t sound like he brings much to your life, aside from heartache. I’d go back to being single for your own sanity. Cultural or not his behaviour is lazy, ridiculous and unfair Flowers

Lobsterquadrille2 · 13/07/2018 07:15

Hi OP, he sounds like a nightmare but is also sounds as if part of you is hanging on to him. You are obviously successful and financially independent .... did you feel that something was missing because you didn't have a man? It's fine having a relationship where you know where you are, but this man has taken over so many aspects of what sounds like a really nice, balanced, sorted life. How about friends and family? Could someone come to stay with you for a few days after you ask him to leave? Do not pander to him! I'm in agreement with packing him stuff up and leaving it for him to collect, changing the locks, moving your horses if necessary. You do not owe him anything and thank goodness you don't have children.

Pereie · 13/07/2018 07:16

It will be a pain in the ass getting him to move out and confrontation is never fun... but just think how awesome it will be not having him around anymore. Bye bye bf.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:20

This is hurtful Sad

Where do I go from here......
OP posts:
diedyediedye · 13/07/2018 07:21

Right do you have any family or friends for support?

needtimealone · 13/07/2018 07:22

Wow!!! Why do you want this man, he sounds so gross! That text shows his nasty views

WasFatNowThin · 13/07/2018 07:23

I'm 40 and live alone, I have a boyfriend 220 miles away, its the perfect solution, I highly recommend it to you.

happysnappysandwich · 13/07/2018 07:24

Bloody hell. Tell him to get his stuff and fuck off. Seriously.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 13/07/2018 07:24

Doesn't the fact that he is presenting himself in such a hideous light make it easier?

I do understand how emotional abuse can grind you down and you become used to it - I have been there.

Please kick him out and recover the person that you were before he came along.

notafeeling · 13/07/2018 07:25

Tell him not to bother coming back. He is a waste of space and you deserve better!!

Nellyphants · 13/07/2018 07:32

He is horrible

I swear if you get rid in 6 months you’ll look back & day ‘what Was I thinking putting up with that’

If you want him gone it’s not a negotiation. I want you to leave, I want you gone. Put his stuff outside.

It’s reallt normal to still ‘care’. You’re a kind human being. He is not. Shut off that part of yourself for the moment & concentrate on getting him gone. You can grieve later. Don’t let him pull your strings.

Sometimes I wish I offered a service where I moved in & helped people get rid.

I’ve been where you are, he wasn’t living with me. I really had to harden my heart, grit my teeth & get on with it.

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:32

It's over......

OP posts:
ThomasShelbysBunnet · 13/07/2018 07:32

OP please don't let him speak to you like that. If you're this worn down so early, if you continue this 'relationship' you'll be a shell of your former self by the time it ends.
Pack his stuff and tell him to fuck off

sparklepops123 · 13/07/2018 07:34

Officially over ? 😬

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 13/07/2018 07:42

You need to get rid. My boyfriend is middle eastern, the women 'look' after their men in his country.

Does he treat me like you're being treated, no way. He's kind, helpful, respectful and does his fair share and most of the cooking.

He loves sex as do I, but he does not pressure me. He's choosing to enforce his supposedly culture about women, but you don't have to accept it!

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:44

@sparklepops123 it appears so, he said 'I will come and get my shit later'

I know him and he will do as he says

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 13/07/2018 07:46

He’ll string this out.

sparklepops123 · 13/07/2018 07:46

Good for you, upwards and onwards 💐

Annalogy · 13/07/2018 07:49

Christ. I'm a bit worried for you.

Can you have someone with you when he's there?

Make sure you change your locks too!

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsLopsided · 13/07/2018 07:53

what a wanker Grin.

thats great news OP! he's done it for you and binned himself.

waste no time, get a locksmith in while he is at work and bag up his stuff, make sure theres no rowing or cajoling or coming back from this for him.

where do you go from here - breath easy, relax in your own home and enjoy the rest of your life!

imdonewiththis · 13/07/2018 07:53

Shit Mumsnet please delete my last post. I wasn't meant to post those screenshots

OP posts:
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