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Original poster

He said he’s not over his ex. Should I leave?

107 replies

Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 11:28

Hi everyone. I really hope you’ll be able to help me with this dilemma and help me understand a bit better what is going on.

I’ve been seeing this guy for about four months. Last relationship I was in lasted four years and we split up two years ago. And I’ve dated a few times in between but nothing serious.

He was in a long distance relationship, also for four years, which ended about eight months ago.

It’s been such an amazing time getting to know each other these past few months. We have a laugh, have lots in common and we’ve gradually been getting closer and more serious recently.

Then I felt him pull back and grow a bit distant. He said that he’s not quite over his last relationship and needs a bit of time for that to process before moving forward with me.

I asked him whether there was a chance that he might want to get back together with his ex and he said no. That he knew they were not right for each other but that he was just very slow to move on that’s all.

I still don’t really understand what that means but I’m giving him the space and distance he needs because I know it’s the right thing to do.

I know people are different but I don’t really understand why he’s struggling to move on from a relationship that he knows isn’t right for him, was a long distance one anyway so they hardly saw each other, or even communicated much in the last year of it. I mean, what is there to “get over”?

OP posts:
juneau · 10/07/2018 11:33

Sounds like he's just not that into you - sorry.

EvilMorty · 10/07/2018 11:33

This is so hard because he’s right, it is hard to get over an ex sometimes and I think he’s been a good guy to hold off with you rather than lead you on or get too involved if he’s not feeling it.

I took a long time to get over my exes, I really mourned the loss but I have friends who moved straight on and still have feelings for their exes despite it being years ago. They had no mental space to work things through. I think that when/if he comes back once he’s worked through his feelings, then you can go from strength to strength because you’ll know he has resolved that issue and is someone who is open enough to talk freely about his emotions.

Trinity66 · 10/07/2018 11:34

If I were you I would tell him that you would rather that you stopped seeing eachother until he's 100% committed to your relationship. Don't let him treat you that way, it's unfair

PuertoVallarta · 10/07/2018 11:34

I'd find someone else. It's heartbreaking to know that he has another woman on his mind. I'd rather be alone than with someone like that.

Mousefunky · 10/07/2018 11:35

Sounds as though you have been the rebound and he is realising it is unfair to you. I would back away personally, he may be comparing you to her and you may end up living in her shadow so to speak. He needs to spend some more time alone to move on from her.

dirtybadger · 10/07/2018 11:36

I would second ending things completely. If youre both single in 6 or 12 months time, or whatever, then maybe you will reconnent. But dont hang around waiting for something that may never be.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/07/2018 11:36

With respect, it's not really for you to question what there is to "get over". Just because a relationship isn't right, doesn't mean to didn't care deeply for them and 4 years is a long time to have someone in your life - be it in person or via other means of communication- and you miss them.
Maybe he wasn't quite ready when he met you and recognises that now. At least he's been honest. All you can do is give him some space and see what happens.
I was getting over the break up of a long term relationship when I met my husband. Falling in love whilst grieving for someone else is not an easy thing for either party in the relationship to deal with. My husband was very patient but many wouldn't have been. It sounds like this guy is trying to do his best by you.

AussieOzborn · 10/07/2018 11:37

I wouldn't be with someone who hasn't wiped his slate clean and is still pining for someone else. I want to be the one he is pining for. I have to be number one.

Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 11:40

I think you are right Anastasia. I think he wasn’t quite ready when meet me but didn’t realise until we started getting closer. He says that he does care about me and that he wants to commit but he just needs a bit of time. Which I am giving him. But I have also made it clear that I am not going to wait for him, that I am still open to the possibility of other relationships if they happen

OP posts:
CanaBanana · 10/07/2018 11:43

He loves someone else. Not you. Surely that's all you need to know?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/07/2018 11:46

Walk away. If he really liked you that much he would be over his ex already and he would be with you. Nothing is going to change and you risk waiting around for this man, pinning all your hopes on him when he's probably going to drop you. Move on before you get hurt x

Annalogy · 10/07/2018 11:49

At least he was honest with you.

Now move on and free yourself from this.

Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 11:49

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t still love her. Because that was the problem in the end. After four years of a very slow paced relationship, he realised he needed more emotional connection in a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 11:50

Which he says he has with me. But that he needs a bit of time to adjust

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/07/2018 11:52

If he doesn't love her, then there's nothing to get over, unless she was abusive in some way but that's just clutching at straws. Honestly, he's feeding you lines.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/07/2018 12:02

If he doesn't love her, then there's nothing to get over,

That's just not true.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/07/2018 12:10

It is true. OP if you want to be made a fool of and lose every shred of dignity over a bloke that is still stuck on someone else, that's your choice.

byanyothernamerose · 10/07/2018 12:15

I wasn't over my ex when I met and started seeing my now husband. I definitely did not want to get back with him, it just took me a long time to get over the hurt (I met DH 6 months after breakup). I didn't outwardly tell my DH but I think deep down he knew. DH had been single for 2 years and also held back a little at the beginning because he too was still dealing with some hurt from a previous relationship. I know the logical thing is to run away but listen to your gut. If your gut says this is special then consider giving it a go and giving him the time he needs, as long as you are never second best and you are happy. It definitely worked for me as I have never been this happy with anyone...

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/07/2018 12:15

It's not true at all. I've been in that exact situation but on the other side. I did not still love my ex, we had an amicable parting, had been together for a number of years and I missed him. I met someone else very quickly - right person, bad timing - he chose to stick with me despite the situation, I got over it and have been with that person for 13 years now, married for 10, DCs and he is the love of my life.
Feelings aren't a tap, you don't just switch them on and off. It's perfectly feasible to no longer be in love with someone whom you've shared your life with for a number of years and need time to adjust them no longer being a presence in it, especially if it wasn't a bad breakup.

Verbena87 · 10/07/2018 12:18

Give him the benefit of the doubt. My least ‘right for me’ relationship, where I questioned whether I loved him at all throughout and knew it to be a bit dysfunctional also took me the longest to get over. It’s not always a sign of a great lost love, just extricating yourself from a clusterfuckery of doubt and drama and game-playing so you can rebuild your self respect and relate to a new partner in a healthy and fulfilling way.

RideOn · 10/07/2018 12:22

Sorry but I f I’d been together with someone 4 months and they said they “need time” as still had their ex in their mind, I wouldn’t find that emotionally enlightened, I’d know they weren’t that into me.

I’d think either I stay and I “grow on them” or move on. It’s never been the former but maybe that works.

Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 12:25

I think he is the sort of person who, once he does get involved, he becomes deeply involved and so doesn’t do so lightly.

He says there is stuff that he needs to get through before he can commit to me. Such as the guilt he feels for letting the relationship drift on for so long when he knew about two years before it ended that it wasn’t working. The reason he stayed though was because there were things that did work, obviously, but there just wasn’t enough of an emotional connection in the end. He is a very passionate person and his ex was the opposite. Very cool, very controlled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 12:28

It is far too simplistic to say that just because he needs time to commit, that it means he’s not into me! Four months is hardly any time really and I’m not pushing for commitment. He’s the one who is considering it and what he needs to do to get there.

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 10/07/2018 12:32

He's just making excuses. Time to move on.

ittakes2 · 10/07/2018 12:35

I think he's being refreshingly honest. Most people would have gone cold but not explained why. I'm guessing spending time with you has brought back memories for him. Doesn't mean he wants to be with his ex - just its brought up feelings he wants to process.

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