He said he’s not over his ex. Should I leave?

[Whatevertod]

Hi everyone. I really hope you’ll be able to help me with this dilemma and help me understand a bit better what is going on.

I’ve been seeing this guy for about four months. Last relationship I was in lasted four years and we split up two years ago. And I’ve dated a few times in between but nothing serious.

He was in a long distance relationship, also for four years, which ended about eight months ago.

It’s been such an amazing time getting to know each other these past few months. We have a laugh, have lots in common and we’ve gradually been getting closer and more serious recently.

Then I felt him pull back and grow a bit distant. He said that he’s not quite over his last relationship and needs a bit of time for that to process before moving forward with me.

I asked him whether there was a chance that he might want to get back together with his ex and he said no. That he knew they were not right for each other but that he was just very slow to move on that’s all.

I still don’t really understand what that means but I’m giving him the space and distance he needs because I know it’s the right thing to do.

I know people are different but I don’t really understand why he’s struggling to move on from a relationship that he knows isn’t right for him, was a long distance one anyway so they hardly saw each other, or even communicated much in the last year of it. I mean, what is there to “get over”?

Shatner, something tells me that you haven't been out with many men.

I think the line he'd rather risk losing you than committing to you is correct.

If you had set his world alight he'd be doing everything to keep you in his life. It does sound like he's just not that into you. Yes, perhaps he was hoping his feelings would grow. Perhaps he feels his last relationship wasn't brilliant and he doesn't want to settle for just okay again? Sorry.

@wagil* The OP has been putting off sex, not the bloke.

And you're right, I haven't been out with many men. I'm not gay.

But presumably, based on your supposition, if a man dates any woman who wants to take things slowly, doesn't want to have sex, and then announces she's not over her ex, that man can safely assume that woman has vaginismus?

Shatner, I always enjoy your posts, I like your thinking, but that's a very different scenario. I think you know that.

It sounds to me that he is emotionally avoidant. How could he be in a relationship for FOUR years when they weren’t that emotionally close and were largely each other’s plus ones? If that’s true, then it should’t be so hard to get over it. Then when you start getting closer he pulls back? I’d be very wary of this man not being willing to commit to anyone emotionally.

@wagil But the point is valid. It would be jumping to a conclusion based on almost no evidence whatsoever. It's just too big a leap based on what the OP has told us as fact. And I'm clearly not the only poster who thought so.

But I'll take the compliment, thank you kindly

I’ve dated more than my fair share of men who pulled back and made excuses, including not being over their ex. None of them had sexual problems, they just didn’t want to commit to me

Johnny, if you knew they didn't have sexual problems, then presumably sex had been on the agenda. The OP hasn't had sex with this man, in fact she was quite receptive to the idea of ED immediately it was suggested.

@wagil I could understand someone thinking the man might have ED and and that's why he'd been putting off sex for four months IF the man had been putting off sex for four months. But he hasn't. The OP hasn't wanted to wait and he's respected that. Now, it would be perfectly valid to suggest that perhaps he is cooling off because of the lack of sex and he's using the ex thing as an excuse. I could accept that as a possibility.

Has, not hasn't, obviously, third line

When a relationship ends, some people think that another “full-on” relationship will help them recover. What they may need is time to just live - work, socialise, domestic stuff etc etc. We all have differing levels of need - yours and his differ greatly, perhaps too much for the relationship to survive. Good luck.

@wagil yes she was receptive because she seems to want to consider any possibility other than the glaringly obvious one that what he’s saying is the truth: that he isn’t over his ex and isn’t ready for anything more serious with her. Or, as others have said, that he’s making excuses because he just isn’t that into her.

The fact they haven’t had sex means that she can’t possibly make any assumptions about whether or not he has issues in that area. And as everyone else keeps saying, she was the one who didn’t want to have sex, not him!

Sorry to disappoint the posters who were adamant that he wasn’t that into me. Actually it turns out that all he needed was a bit of time and space to really think things through. He is just a very slow burner.

The ED was a moment of panic conclusion thinking by me because sometimes posting threads on MN and the responses you get can mess with your head. He doesn’t have ed, but, like me, wants to wait until we are properly exclusive.

So, here I am. In the early stages of a committed relationship with a lovely man who I really connect with! Thanks to the posters who helped me see that things aren’t always black and white and that real life is a lot more complicated, and that he just needs time to process through a relationship that is in the past. The point being though, it is a past relationship.

That was quick

So you have commitment now?

Well done. Am pleased for you. Youre right we all do get a bit black and white here sometimes!

He wants to wait until you're properly exclusive.

You're in the early stages of a committed relationship.

In spite of these two opposing statements I really hope that things go well for you OP, good luck.

It reeks of 'I'm not ready for a relationship ........with you)'. If the right person came along he wouldn't risk losing her.

It took me years to get over my marriage breakdown, not because of the person as such, but the whole relationship. I quickly went out with someone who I enjoyed spending time with, but I knew from the outset I didn't want to stay with him, he was nice enough and he took my mind off the pain, but he just made me realise I wasn't ready, being with him drilled that home and so I broke it off. He was a time filler it turns out, although I didn't realise that at the time.

You are a rebound by the sounds of it, but if you're willing to wait it out then I sincerely hope I'm wrong. Keep your eyes open though and don't grasp at straws, you're worth more and you may miss someone who'll value you properly while you're hanging around waiting for Mr Wrong x

But @wagil was absolutely categorically definitely 100% sure that "...this is a man with sexual problems" - not may be a man with sexual problems, but IS, so tread carefully OP.

at @wagil

Just read your update - I'm hoping you mean he's decided he's over his ex all of a sudden and is now committed to your relationship. Why the sudden change of heart from him? I hope you pinned down his interpretation of 'properly exclusive' too as that sounds a bit contradictory to me, but then I overthink everything!!! hope it goes well

Shatner OP hasn't posted anything to change my opinion. I hope I'm wrong.

@ShatnersWig 😂♥️

@SparklyMagpie

Have you met any of his family or friends yet? Because that will tell you a lot about him and if he's still attached to anyone.

Look, guys are simple creatures. They really don’t go in for all this navel-gazing. If they want you then they act on it. This guy is stringing you along and you can put all the spin on it you like but really, despite all the fine words and emoting on his part, he just isn’t that into you. Leave now before you get really hurt.

Sorry, just seen your last update. I still haven’t changed my opinion.