He said he’s not over his ex. Should I leave?

[Whatevertod]

Hi everyone. I really hope you’ll be able to help me with this dilemma and help me understand a bit better what is going on.

I’ve been seeing this guy for about four months. Last relationship I was in lasted four years and we split up two years ago. And I’ve dated a few times in between but nothing serious.

He was in a long distance relationship, also for four years, which ended about eight months ago.

It’s been such an amazing time getting to know each other these past few months. We have a laugh, have lots in common and we’ve gradually been getting closer and more serious recently.

Then I felt him pull back and grow a bit distant. He said that he’s not quite over his last relationship and needs a bit of time for that to process before moving forward with me.

I asked him whether there was a chance that he might want to get back together with his ex and he said no. That he knew they were not right for each other but that he was just very slow to move on that’s all.

I still don’t really understand what that means but I’m giving him the space and distance he needs because I know it’s the right thing to do.

I know people are different but I don’t really understand why he’s struggling to move on from a relationship that he knows isn’t right for him, was a long distance one anyway so they hardly saw each other, or even communicated much in the last year of it. I mean, what is there to “get over”?

@AlexaAmbidextra oh come on, you can do better than this:

Look, guys are simple creatures. They really don’t go in for all this navel-gazing

You don't speak for this man. Or lots of others. You're obviously mixing with one kind of man. Bizarrely, we aren't all the same.

so he gone from ''maybe i stiill love my x'' to committing to you ?
I think he panicked you'd be brave enough to just walk,

Sorry to disappoint the posters who were adamant that he wasn’t that into me. Actually it turns out that all he needed was a bit of time and space to really think things through. He is just a very slow burner.
The ED was a moment of panic conclusion thinking by me because sometimes posting threads on MN and the responses you get can mess with your head. He doesn’t have ed, but, like me, wants to wait until we are properly exclusive.
So, here I am. In the early stages of a committed relationship with a lovely man who I really connect with! Thanks to the posters who helped me see that things aren’t always black and white and that real life is a lot more complicated, and that he just needs time to process through a relationship that is in the past. The point being though, it is a past relationship

Oh no how embarrassing

You’re in a committed relationship with a man who’s admitted he’s still not over his previous relationship? Okay OP... I’m sure you’ll live happily ever after

Posting on mumsnet does not mess with my head. It is NOT normal to assume someone ending a fling by admitting they’re not over their last relationship must mean he’s got ED.

You are desperate. Sorry, but you are. Which is why you’re clinging to a man who has told you loud and clear he’s still not over his ex/last relationship
Yes it’s a past relationship, but still - it’s a past relationship he isn’t yet over.

Why would you want to be with a man who will still be thinking of his ex?

Good luck OP. You’ll need it. Especially when the man you so desperately want to be with is thinking of his ex

If the guy I'm seeing told me he wasn't over his ex and couldn't commit to me, I'd be off
And i certainly wouldn't then let him back track to keep me around

Why would you want to be with someone who is thinking about someone else? An also can tell you he's not over her but can change very quickly and tell you he'll commit?

Nahh, if I had to jump on any silly little proposed excuse like ED to try and make myself feel better, I'd be deluded to want to stay

but, like me, wants to wait until we are properly exclusive.

So you're both currently seeing other people? Or want to have the option to?

Just as that doesn't really fit with...

here I am. In the early stages of a committed relationship

Just me but if I was at any stage of a 'committed relationship' from day one to golden wedding anniversary then exclusivity would be the first and most important part of that. I'm in the early stages of a relationship myself, we've been seeing each other for about 4 months as well (bit of a gap at the start between dates 1 and 2 due to travel and then him injuring his back); we haven't slept together yet but we are dating exclusively. I really like him but if he suddenly upped and told me he wasn't over his ex and wasn't sure about me he could fuck right off. In dating if it's not a 'hell yes' then it's a no.

@Whatevertod.i know this post is over a year now but Please I would like to know how it ended for you . I am going through something similar and I really don’t know what to do. Please help. Thanks

Funny that this has been posted awhile ago.. I am in the same boat.. exact same situation... Hmmm