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Original poster

He said he’s not over his ex. Should I leave?

107 replies

Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 11:28

Hi everyone. I really hope you’ll be able to help me with this dilemma and help me understand a bit better what is going on.

I’ve been seeing this guy for about four months. Last relationship I was in lasted four years and we split up two years ago. And I’ve dated a few times in between but nothing serious.

He was in a long distance relationship, also for four years, which ended about eight months ago.

It’s been such an amazing time getting to know each other these past few months. We have a laugh, have lots in common and we’ve gradually been getting closer and more serious recently.

Then I felt him pull back and grow a bit distant. He said that he’s not quite over his last relationship and needs a bit of time for that to process before moving forward with me.

I asked him whether there was a chance that he might want to get back together with his ex and he said no. That he knew they were not right for each other but that he was just very slow to move on that’s all.

I still don’t really understand what that means but I’m giving him the space and distance he needs because I know it’s the right thing to do.

I know people are different but I don’t really understand why he’s struggling to move on from a relationship that he knows isn’t right for him, was a long distance one anyway so they hardly saw each other, or even communicated much in the last year of it. I mean, what is there to “get over”?

OP posts:
Inmyvestandpants · 10/07/2018 12:36

I’d keep the friendship with this bloke going but cool off on the “romance” until he’s got his head together. If you completely cut off contact you might regret it later. If you keep meeting up, doing stuff together, enjoying life, he’ll hopefully start to appreciate you more and the ex will soon become a memory from another time. But if not, you won’t have given your heart away.

SpeckledDot · 10/07/2018 12:36

Guys use the 'im not over my ex' line to break up with you without being completely honest about why

Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 13:16

He’s not breaking up with me. I suggested that and he said he definitely didn’t want that to happen. He’s just asking for time before we get serious. Which is probably sensible really. I think maybe I scared him a little bit because I wanted to know if he saw a future a little bit sooner than felt right for him.

OP posts:
AussieOzborn · 10/07/2018 13:23

He is asking for time before you get serious? So you keep going out together and keep it NSA? Who decides what is serious and what isn't?

I don't think he is really into you. He wants to keep you handy till he finds someone better.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2018 13:25

This guy is full of shit. He's not over his ex, he can't commit but still wants to be with you, needs more time, blah blah blah. Time for WHAT? He is just stringing you along. I hope you have more respect for yourself than to cater to this flake.

Seaweed42 · 10/07/2018 13:38

You two seem to spend a lot of time in his 'stuff' and analysing his past relationships. It's all about him. And you are already compromising and conforming to his needs or what you perceive.
He is already setting the terms for this relationship. He is saying to you - 'I will judge the pace of this. I will decide how much love or time I give to you. You are not in control of this, and this is not a mutual decision here'.

Johnnyfinland · 10/07/2018 13:49

Bloody hell this sounds like my ex right down to the long distance relationship. The fact is, whether you understand it or not, he isn’t over her and still has feelings for her. If his feelings for you were strong enough this wouldn’t even be an issue for him. End it, it won’t get any better, trust me. Speaking from experience, I hung in there and the only thing I wish in hindsight is that I’d ended it the minute all this became apparent

TurnipCake · 10/07/2018 13:51

Collect your dignity OP

It sounds like there might be a chance he's getting back with his ex but wants to keep you on the backburner just in case it doesn't work out, hence all this simpering for time.

Fuck off with that, he's wasting YOUR time and giving you hope, which is cruel

TurnipCake · 10/07/2018 13:53

And seriously, four months in?! Jesus, all you should be preoccuped with is going out, planning dates, basking in the glow of all the fantastic shagging and enjoying the butterflies

Not pandering to his feelings about his ex. Good grief

category12 · 10/07/2018 14:02

And seriously, four months in?! Jesus, all you should be preoccuped with is going out, planning dates, basking in the glow of all the fantastic shagging and enjoying the butterflies

This ^

It shouldn't be him wanting to create distance. Don't be an option - it's bad for you (self-esteem) and devalues you (doormats only get trodden on).

Noqont · 10/07/2018 14:07

4 months is no time. And at least he's being honest. I'd back off and give him time to sort himself out. Or not. As the case may be.

numbmum83 · 10/07/2018 14:13

Im going through the exact same thing ! I'm gonna leave him to get his shit together ...

You know the saying , let them go , if it's meant to be they will be back !

He's making me depressed because I'm so paranoid about his ex and them getting back together. We are arguing constantly and as other posters have said a few months in it should be lots of sex and butterflies ...

This dating lark never gets any easier ....

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/07/2018 14:23

The classic 3-month pullback. Sorry. He's JNTIY but he can tell you're getting (naturally) quite keen.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/07/2018 14:26

He has an avoidant attachment style. He only feels safe when he's with someone equally avoidant. His ex suited him because she was so cool and controlled. You've turned up, all fun and natural and affectionate and "normal" and it's temporarily freaking him out.

I like him for admitting this.

I'd pull back and give him L O A D S of space to "process" this. Don't give him the pleasure of your company while he works out his feelings.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/07/2018 15:06

I'm really sorry op but in my experience of OLD he has done up with this excuse to let you down gently. Move on. I know it hurts but he's not worth waiting for.

Ellisandra · 10/07/2018 15:19

Process my arse. Tell him politely that you’re only interested in available men, wish him well and say goodbye.

Just how much time does he need to spend navel gazing over not end a previous relationship sooner? Is he seeing a counsellor to help with that? I’m guessing not.

You’re worth more. You’re worth a man who doesn’t need to angst like a teenager over a previous woman.

pissedonatrain · 10/07/2018 15:22

@Whatevertod

So how exactly does he define this "space" that he needs?

Him come around for a shag when he fancies and maybe a date but don't expect anything else from him?

Waiting around on someone never works out in your favour. Just leads to heartache and wasted time.

DaffodilPower · 10/07/2018 15:33

My ex said the same thing to me, about four months in.

I ignored it and just stayed with him. Turns out when we finally split almost five years later he was still hung up on her and 'what could have been'. In fact his biggest regret was not having kids with her (he was EA to me).

I'd say shake his hand, thank him for being honest and move on

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/07/2018 15:33

Either
he is not over ex, in which case you need to walk away because there is no time limit on how long this will take. Are you prepared to wait another six months or YEARS until he is ready to commit? And are you 100% sure it will be YOU he'll be ready to commit to? This is literally the definition of a rebound relationship!

Or, he is feeding you a line to keep seeing you casually for the foreseeable future and then behaves how he wants because you weren't 'serious ', in which case you need to walk away.

Chippyway · 10/07/2018 15:59

OP I think he’s letting you down gently.

If he truly wanted to be with you in a fully committed relationship then he would be. You wouldn’t have had this conversation

It’s not up to you to decide whether there is/isn’t something for him to get over. I find that really judgemental.

Whether they saw each other every day/week/month he obviously felt a lot for her. He obviously felt that strongly about her and the relationship, that he’s pulled away from you now. And that is what you need to be listening to

He has been honest and you need to listen to that. You say he hasn’t dumped you - maybe not, maybe he hasn’t. But he isn’t commiting to you either. You need to wish him well and walk away completely instead of waiting for him to wake up one day and decide he’s ready to commit to you - which probably wouldn’t happen anyway, because it honestly sounds like he’s letting you down gently

Ellisandra · 10/07/2018 16:15

@pissedonatrain raises a good point.

I have to say, anecdotally in real lie friends, own experience and reading on here - I’ve yet to come across man who wanted to keep it slow, and extended that to saying no sex Hmm

expatia · 10/07/2018 16:19

It sounds potentially quite worrying but I think it's difficult for any of us to really tell without knowing the full story.

I would suggest having a look at this website about emotional unavailability (which he clearly is stuck in right now) as it will ask you questions you can use to properly analyze this situation yourself.

Www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. (Recommended by many posters on
MN relationships, have personally found invaluable).

It isn't true that if you don't love someone there's no reason to feel like you need time to process, particularly if the previous relationship was traumatic in any way. But equally, sometimes people do use that as an excuse to back away.

However you decide to proceed, I definitely agree with a previous poster that you should be clear you are not just going to hang around as an "option" - it will hurt both your own self respect and his respect for you too.

Stinkachoo · 10/07/2018 16:25

I think there's a difference between not being over the ex and not being over the relationship. You can be over the ex quite quickly but the effects of the relationship stick around. Everyone has baggage.

Me and DP were both pretty injured when we got together. Probably not quite over our previous relationships enough. But that manifested more in short term freak-outs (him) or general freakish behaviour (me).

One of us might pull back temporarily, sort of a knee jerk reaction to a fear of getting hurt. But it was always short lived. And it didn't happen loads in fairness. Certainly none of us questioned that we wanted to be together. If you want something, you go for it.

I think if it's more than a short-term freak out it's either he's not that into it/doesn't want it enough; it's actually more about still having feelings for her; or he is generally quite emotionally unavailable and you should move on.

Original poster
Whatevertod · 10/07/2018 16:50

I should say to those saying that he’s just wanting to have sex and stringing me along that actually we haven’t dtd yet. I’m extremely old fashioned (and old!) and I don’t want to be sexually intimate without commitment. Hence the asking for a commitment after four months. He’s saying he needs a bit of time to completely get over his last relationship in order to commit to me. And before anybody suggests he’s still sleeping with her, I know for sure that he isn’t! Firstly she lives 500 miles away and secondly, they haven’t even spoken since they broke up!

OP posts:
expatia · 10/07/2018 16:58

I think that makes quite a difference OP, that you haven't dtd yet! If he is generally acting with respect towards you and you are not getting the feeling he is messing you around, then it may genuinely be that he wants to commit to you as you say but is being honest about the fact he has issues to get over and may just need a little time. However, your time is valuable too so there has to be a limit to that.

What is he saying about how he wants things to be right now, on a practical level? Does he still want to spend lots of time together, and what does that time look like? And how long ago was it that he said all this?