He said he’s not over his ex. Should I leave?

[Whatevertod]

Hi everyone. I really hope you’ll be able to help me with this dilemma and help me understand a bit better what is going on.

I’ve been seeing this guy for about four months. Last relationship I was in lasted four years and we split up two years ago. And I’ve dated a few times in between but nothing serious.

He was in a long distance relationship, also for four years, which ended about eight months ago.

It’s been such an amazing time getting to know each other these past few months. We have a laugh, have lots in common and we’ve gradually been getting closer and more serious recently.

Then I felt him pull back and grow a bit distant. He said that he’s not quite over his last relationship and needs a bit of time for that to process before moving forward with me.

I asked him whether there was a chance that he might want to get back together with his ex and he said no. That he knew they were not right for each other but that he was just very slow to move on that’s all.

I still don’t really understand what that means but I’m giving him the space and distance he needs because I know it’s the right thing to do.

I know people are different but I don’t really understand why he’s struggling to move on from a relationship that he knows isn’t right for him, was a long distance one anyway so they hardly saw each other, or even communicated much in the last year of it. I mean, what is there to “get over”?

I'd move on...because I'm not patient or tolerant in that sense. I need to be the only woman on his mind romantically..otherwise it kind of changes my feelings towards a man and turns me off them.

I think the bottom line is that you're ready for a commitment and he isn't.

Look at his history too. He let things drag on with his ex for years and maintained it as a ldr.

I don't think he's Mr Commitment.

Be glad that you've enjoyed a good few months together and move on.

OP I'd be friendly towards him but pull right back, don't put yourself out, because he isn't.

Tbh I wouldn't be talking about 'commitment' at four months either, it would alarm a lot of people (I'm dating and have been on OLD too). The only thing I'd ask is exclusivity, that he's not dating or having sex with anyone else. Maybe that's all you've asked for though? Tbh if he won't give you that after lots of dates and time together then I'm not sure he's going to be right for you.

You were his rebound girl.

He's probably hoping that he & the ex can work things out and get back together.
In the meantime, he'll keep you dangling like a puppet on a string, just in case it doesn't happen.

You deserve someone who focuses their time and attention on you, and as the saying goes, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

I was in same position as you with my dp. I quietly distanced myself e.g. wasn't quite so available as before etc, and he responded really well because he knew we were good together. Trust your gut, but don't be a push over and set yourself a time limit then move on. We have been together 8 years now and v happy together.

Eight months it’s been! And they haven’t spoken since the split?

He is seriously in love with this woman to be still struggling to move on, eight months after they broke up, with zero ongoing contact to keep the feelings alive, while dating and spending time with you right in front of him.

Think that through for a second.

You were with a guy a few years, long distance, never closed the gap, married, had kids, cohabited, nothing.

You split over half a year ago, haven’t spoken since. You’ve not had ongoing contact to keep the wound open. You meet a lovely new guy who’s really into you, and after a reasonable period of time asks for commitment (exclusivity I assume, and being partners).

How in love with your ex would you have to be to risk messing up a relationship with this new guy? Who could be your future? Over feelings you have for someone you haven’t even talked to for eight months?

He would rather risk losing you than risk being committed to you OP. That’s horrible.

I mean, it’s grest he’s honest. I commend him for that completely.

But as a person you deserve more. You deserve a man who’ll meet you and go ‘woah how amazing is she? I’m so lucky’ and be asking you to be exclusive and committed to him so there’s no chance of someone else showing up and you falling for them instead.

You’re not asking for marriage. Just to be together properly. And after four months of seeing what it’s like to be with you, he’s decided that he still loves his ex so much that even without a chance of reconciling, he can’t in good faith be with you as his heart is elsewhere.

I echo others: I’m very sorry, but he’s just not that into you.

Crikey, it's been 4 months, no sex - you want to move it up a gear and he pulls back? I'd think he's got ED or something like that, or he just wants friendship.

If you haven't had sex with him in the 4 months you've been seeing him then he is clearly not going to hang around any longer. He wants to explore greener pastures. He must be starving.

oh dear category, I hadn’t thought of ed! Now that you say it, I think that might actually be it.

The reason why I was scratching my head about him not being over the relationship comment was that they didn’t have a great relationship as they didn’t really talk or have fun. It was like the relationship worked solely on the basis that they had a plus one to events. We, on the other hand, do have lots of fun, good conversation, laugh a lot and generally click.

And I thought he was being considerate to my wanting to not have sex until we were in a committed relationship. We do kiss and cuddle.

But now I’m wondering whether he’s playing for time telling me he’s got ED by using the “I’m not quite over my last relationship” line.

I’m going to have to talk to him I think

It is far too simplistic to say that just because he needs time to commit, that it means he’s not into me! Four months is hardly any time really and I’m not pushing for commitment. He’s the one who is considering it and what he needs to do to get there

No it isn’t. It’s true, if a man wants to be with you he will make it known and will do all he can to be with you. And yes four months is long enough, it’s 16 weeks. If somebody can’t decide in 4 months whether they want to fully commit to you or not, then you already have your answer - they don’t want to. He is not considering committing to you, he is being honest and letting you down gently. If somebody likes a person enough to commit to a relationship you don’t have to work to get to that point.

He’s just asking for time before we get serious. Which is probably sensible really. I think maybe I scared him a little bit because I wanted to know if he saw a future a little bit sooner than felt right for him

You said in your previous paragraph you weren’t pushing for commitment. Yet here you started to question him and wanting to know whether you had a future together or not. You asked and he told you.

Hence the asking for a commitment after four months

I thought you weren’t pushing for commitment?

oh dear category, I hadn’t thought of ed! Now that you say it, I think that might actually be it

Oh come on OP. Without sounding mean I feel embarrassed for you just reading that. You are clutching at straws as to why he won’t/can’t commit. Just accept it for what it is - he is choosing not to commit to you. He doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you after 4 whole months

But now I’m wondering whether he’s playing for time telling me he’s got ED by using the “I’m not quite over my last relationship” line

Oh god. On what planet does “I’m not over my ex” translate to “I’ve got erectile dysfunction”?!
This is embarrassing to read!!

WALK AWAY with dignity OP. Stop clutching at straws desperately trying to convince yourself he wants to be with you deep down. He doesn’t. If he did, he would be committing. Don’t cling on to false hope. Stop lying to yourself. I was doing this when I was 18. Move on to a man who knows what he wants.

Have you met any of his friends and family yet?

Everything that @chippyway said. The ED comment is bizarre, I’m not sure how you or anyone else could actually think this is a possibility. You haven’t had sex, but you made it clear you want to take the relationship to the next level, he basically said no. If he wanted to be with you, he’d be jumping at the chance, it really is that simple!

Like I said, I’ve been in your position myself and he also assured me he didn’t want to get back with his ex as she “couldn’t give him what he wanted”, he “couldn’t continue in the long distance arrangement” and he felt she wanted more than she did. Well, guess what. He’s back with her, in exactly the same long distance arrangement as before.

It doesn’t matter whether their relationship was bad or non-communicative (and you only have his side of the story). If he isn’t over it, he isn’t over it, you can’t police that.

He isnt giving you an enthusiastic YES to the question of whether he wants to commit to you. That tells you all you need to know. He may well have feelings for you, I’m not disputing that. But he’s told you straight that there’s another woman on his mind. Do you really want to be with someone you have to mentally share with another woman? Because that’s what it comes down to. End it, if he comes running back in the future declaring his love then you can decide what to do

I'm sorry but I agree with those saying to walk away. If a guy is interested enough nothing will stop him, not being too busy with work, not stress, not family problems, not losing his phone, and none of the other lame excuses we chose to believe because we WANT them to be true.

He's being honest with you, and he's actually being really decent by NOT sleeping with you as he probably knows that would muddy the waters even more. My take on it is he pushed himself into the dating world to try to get over his ex and it hasn't worked. No matter how awful you think his previous relationship was it has clearly let it's mark on him and he's not there yet.

At this point in time you're second choice which is an awful place to be. I wouldn't be funny with him as he's being honest, but I would certainly distance myself for my own protection if I were you.

I don't think ED's a bizarre suggestion, (obviously as I mentioned it as a possibility ) . Why? - It's unusual for a couple to wait 4 months for sex. - It sounds like they're 40s/50s (although could be wrong), and - previously he was happy in a long distance relationship where presumably there wasn't much sex. Makes me think either he's not much into sex (low libido/asexual) , he has ED or similar, or he's only interested in friendship (with op in particular or just generally) .

Whatever it is behind it, it's not good for op to hang about waiting for him.

But @category it wasn’t him who wanted to wait to have sex it was the OP...

Category - it was the OP who didn’t want to have sex yet.

It’s despetate for her to assume him ending this fling is because he secretly has ED.
I honestly got second hand embarrassment for her just reading that. Not out of nastiness, but it just reeks of desperation of her clutching onto any false hope that this fling will work out

Because that’s what it is. It’s a fling. He was more than happy going along with it yet the moment the OP brings up commitment he drops the bomb shell that he isn’t over his last relationship and won’t commit yet. The man is telling her he’s still thinking of his ex and won’t commit yet she’s trying to tell herself it’s not the case and he secretly wants to be with her but he must have ED. I’m sorry, but that’s absolutely crazy

Could it be that he connect with you emotionally but isn't attracted to you physically? He is hoping that the emotional closeness will trigger the physical attraction and giving it time but is now starting to think it won't come.

He is using the excuse of not being over his ex because he doesn't want to upset you, and you deciding to break up, if he told you the truth.

That's always a cue for me to break it off. Whether or not you understand it (and sounds like he's taking the piss a bit) - that's his emotional state and honestly it's an easier way of letting you down than 'I'm just not feeling this'

I know you may not want to believe it OP but there's a huge difference between being someone's option & in a relationship where you're in first place. HUGE. Stay single & move on to someone who wants to be with you, not as a replacement for another girl but in your own terms

He will be with you and shag you and he's already given you his convenient get-out clause - ie he told you he thinks about his ex. & he's not ready to commit to you.

Can't say whether you should leave, after all each person knows their own boundaries. All I query is the analysing when it's plain as day what's going on. I doubt very much he'll respect you for hanging around after being told the score.Best to keep giving him space as I'm sure in that "space time" he's not sitting there pining for you...

Yup, on your 'break' time he's going to spend his time moping about her, thinking about her, trying to get in touch with her, flipping a coin on how likely it'll be she wants to be with him, Talking to his friends about her... best for you to get rid

Sorry didn't see that you weren't breaking up.

He's demoted you from relationship status to fuck buddy status, then.

Agree 100% with everything @Chippyway has said

And i wouldn't believe it's possibly ED
But the fact someone mentions and you jumped straight onto it and trying to make connections, says a lot

4 months and he'd waited until you brought up commitment to mention this though?
Naaah

Don't kid yourself

I think the reason you've got along so well is because sex was off the agenda. He lived 500 miles away from his ex, and now he's putting distance in with you because you are asking if things might go up a gear.

This may sound ridiculous to those who haven't encountered it, but this is a man with sexual problems who spins a good line in excuses.

Bloody hell. Page three and people have now decided - presumably by crystal ball - this is a man with sexual problems.

Bizarre.