Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

Hi All

I had a chat with my son last night and I’m going to his house for a meal on my anniversary which I’m sure will be a nice distraction.

Thought it was me being over sensitive at Flametree’s comment 🙄. Perhaps just badly worded 😬.

You're being a bit more generous than I'd have been there Lilly 🤣

Yes it's worded badly alright. I'm in a very similar situation. Husband left for a really really awful woman. She's so nasty my children can't be around her. I think if he left for some wonderful beautiful kind person I could feel less horrified. The fact he can chose someone so awful makes me think god how bad was our life.

Sorry I'm projecting. I'll go back to reading without commenting.

Flametrees. No worries.

I understand exactly how you feel. I’ve said to my friends that OW is such a bloody mess it’s such an insult that she’s preferable to me. One of my XH’s friends said “Jesus what does he see in her, she looks like a crack addict”.

Read the article on Chumplady “why cheaters always downgrade”. It explains a lot. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter who they leave for.

I’m a great believer that everything happens for a reason and that we “The dumpees” will triumph in the end.

Well said Lily x

I've never looked at Chumplady before, she certainly clarifies things.

'It doesn’t matter what they look like. Affairs are about how that person made the cheater FEEL. It’s about narcissism.... If it weren’t that little piece of narcissistic supply, it would be another. Dog turds are pretty interchangeable'.

This sounds like it could have been written about your situation Lily and you're so right about being triumphant in the end.

@MamaOotie Sorry to hear about the teeth. Darn it, I was outvoted in favour of a seafood restaurant for lunch today. Very nice, but tomorrow it's definitely my vote!

Here’s the link to the Chumplady article I mentioned earlier.

www.chumplady.com/2018/05/cheaters-never-trade-up-the-lola-doctrine/

I think if he left for some wonderful beautiful kind person I could feel less horrified

I think the reality is no one is ever going to think the other woman is a "wonderful beautiful kind person". Even if she is, or the cheater thinks she is, the cheated on spouse will always think she's bloody awful.

No one who has ever been cheated on has said "well it's not so bad, she's a wonderful beautiful kind person, I'm just glad she's not some skank".

Nope. Never happened..😁

Hmm yes you are probably right. I just assumed that most leave for a younger prettier version of the wife. Not an older quite obviously less attractive person.

I think if he left for some wonderful beautiful kind person I could feel less horrified

I agree with Bluntness, I highly doubt that would be the case in reality.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter who they leave for. And this is very true also.

However, cheaters always downgrade isn't. It's like most of the stuff on Chumplady - designed to make you feel better if you've been cheated on but not actually true.

And btw, before there's a tsunami of examples, I'm not saying cheaters never downgrade, just that they don't always.

I just find it hard to see what the attraction is. In my case this woman is horrible to our children. So much so that my ex doesn't have them at his house. He sees them at his mothers house. He would have been the first to berate me if I was short tempered with either of them. Yet he is happy to be with a woman who simply can't be allowed to be around them.

How can you live most of your adult life with one type of person and then suddenly decide that no you actually want someone that is the polar opposite.

I think I could understand being drawn to someone beautiful. Someone who was nice to your children.
I've sometimes looked at other men and found them attractive. But never a man who was ugly in spirit and looks.

Do you just convince yourself that life was awful. When it seemed to be pretty idyllic for most of the time to me.

The thing is, you finding the other woman ugly in spirit and looks is normal and to be expected. He thinks she is neither. This is also normal, he wouldn't be with someone he felt was ugly in spirt or looks.

I think it's also quite common with exit affairs for the cheated on spouse to think everything was good, idyllic even to use your word, and for the cheater to have a very different view of the relationship.

Ok granted I may be idealistic. But surely having lived through 22 years with someone you could tell if they were miserable or not?

Sadly the evidence would say not.

It seems that often the unhappy partner doesn't articulate it, or tries to and is not listened to, research shows that for many, the cheated on spouse thought the marriage was good, but the cheater had been deeply unhappy. Two very different views on the same relationship...

It seems that often the unhappy partner doesn't articulate it, or tries to and is not listened to, research shows that for many, the cheated on spouse thought the marriage was good, but the cheater had been deeply unhappy.

Nailed it again.

But during a mid-life crisis phase or similar, I don't think it's that these men are obviously miserable, more that they have a feeling of being unfulfilled, or life not being exciting enough, or not getting enough attention/sex from their long-term partners to satisfy their egos.

I get the impression it's quite shallow stuff and once they have a sniff of (any) female attention, they think the grass might be greener and the boring, day to day aspect of a normal marriage suddenly becomes too tedious for them. I think it's not about them being miserable or hating their lives, it's about wanting new thrills, however cheap.

Toots yes agree, but that seldom leads to exit, that's more shagging around and then begging to come back, denying it stuff.

Unhappy throughout the marriage?
Wow!
Am I that blind!

But don't most cheaters not exit until they're pushed?

Did I say unhappy throughout the marriage? I'm not sure I'm the intended recipient of the comment, but I'd say no, not throughout, more at the end and I'm sorry if I said otherwise.

Toots, I don't know, I think sometimes they initiate a set of circumstances to ensure they get caught, to manipulate it to happen.

And now I'm on ground I think is shakey and I don't want to cause hurt.

Yes you're probably right Bluntness, although I reckon the wanting to get caught thing can be subconscious, yet seems to be inevitable.

I should prob have my own thread. I'll bow out for now. Lily I wish you nothing but happiness.
I for one chose to believe there was happiness. And lots of it.

Ah flame trees don't bow out and no one is disputing there was happiness and lots of it. Relationships change, what happens at the end, is not indicative of the whole relationship.

You know that right? You can have many many happy years together, even though ultimately it may end. That doesn't take away from thr many happy years.

And toots yes, it could be subconscious, 😔

I think both Toots and Bluntness are right.

I know my XH was happy until mid January this year. The change in him from mid January onwards was drastic but it took until mid March AND me discovering the affair for things to come to a head.

Wolf. I don’t know ALL cheaters downgrade but mine most definitely did! When he first left I was really embarrassed he’d left for someone so shabby and erm, ugly! Now I know he’s only embarrassing himself.

Off to work now 😩