The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

I've no idea either really, if anybody wants to put it out there then feel free.

@shotsfired (And also completely worthless because apparently I'm that bloody awful he just couldn't stand being with me at all)

No! You are not worthless, you deserve better. He's spouting that bollocks because deep down he knows he's screwed up and has lost a decent woman. Keep telling yourself that.

8FencingWire - hmmm hagelslag - reminds me of when I was a child!!

Hamble is less than half an hour from me so count me in for any meet up. As long as that terrifying Kim Jong Un lookalike isn't invited!!

tartan Yes I feel some sort of relief at the working week starting again, but I don’t want to be that person! I don’t want my job to be the defining element of my life.

For me it’s the routine as well as the purpose of work. I quite like having a routine.

So we need to find things that give us more routine and purpose outside of work I guess? Try to generate the feelings that work gives us that give us relief from the loneliness?
Definitely lack of routine is something that makes weekends difficult for me. I can't decide/ can't face what to do so I don't do anything! I'm definitely better when there's something I've committed to or have to do...

Do you think that as well as the set routine, it's also about feeling valued and contributing? Just thinking how some people get really down after retiring as they don't know who they are/what to do with themselves. And they sometimes end up getting another job!
I'm self employed so it's a bit different for me, but I still draw a lot of value from my job and working hard. It's quite lonesome though and I usually work all or part of the weekend, partly to make the time go quicker.

Aww well done HopelessWithNumbers 😊
I am the poster who was sat on my own last Sat afternoon feeling sorry for myself. Just read post and noticed you had created this post, fab idea. I'd like to join please.
Apologies I haven't read the full post. I just wanted to say hello to everyone and I shall log in when I can. Hope this thread is helping 😊
I have decided to join a gym. Hopefully I can use it in between my nursing degree and dd's. Joining Thursday.
I was thinking about online dating? Your views?

Hi Bubbles
Let us know how the gym goes.

Routine, purpose and contributing / feeling valued lead me to think of voluntary work. I have done lots of it over the years and have mostly really enjoyed it. I think my favourite thing was helping to deliver meals on Sundays to people with HIV / AIDS. That was a lot of fun.

But....I'm a bit reluctant to commit myself to something every weekend, partly because I'm quite often knackered by Friday and also because I do like to do other things when the opportunity arises.
Or am I just making more excuses.......?!

So much of what's been written on this thread resonates. It's sad that so many people feel lonely and isolated. My loneliness stems from ill health, although I do get out and about. There isn't the energy to be with people as it's draining, and it's too hard to explain to people (who don't/won't understand) about my limitations.

Ironically, I'm an introvert But I would like the option to see people sometimes....

Hopeless I feel the same about voluntary work, it can be really rewarding and give a great sense of purpose but the committent factor is an issue for me as there will be times when childcare, energy levels or general busyness mean I can't manage it. I really like being part of something more than just me, feeling that I am helping as part of a large team of group with a common purpose.

Hope it is ok for me to join in.
I have a condition which makes going out very difficult.

YES op you are making excuses. As do I. As do we all probably.
Getting out of that mindset is incredibly hard.
What I tend to get from this thread is that we all presume people are happy with their own lives, therefore they don’t really want to spend time with us and are only doing so out of pity.
So I think we all need to think really hard about that

Can I join in?
I have been single on and off for 3 years, I do go on dates and have just started dating someone. In a way I am feeling more lonely now I’m dating someone, maybe because I would like to see them more but I don’t want to rush things? My dc’s are now teens and don’t want to spend time with me, evenings can be lonely and weekends. I like to keep busy but I’m not great at socialising in groups and making new friends so most of my hobbies are things I do alone.

shotsfired (And also completely worthless because apparently I'm that bloody awful he just couldn't stand being with me at all)

@@brizzledrizzle No! You are not worthless, you deserve better. He's spouting that bollocks because deep down he knows he's screwed up and has lost a decent woman. Keep telling yourself that.

That's very sweet of you to say, but honestly, the things that are wrong with me, I think I do deserve everything I got. He is very happy without me and his life seems a lot better now. For sure he could have not been quite so detailed/full-on in his critique of my character, but I guess it's better that I know. Lying to myself about what an angel I am is just as pointless

(I am taking steps to become a better person, I'm not just giving up on me entirely)

@ShotsFired
Did you murder a child or become a drug addled peodophile? Steal from old ladies? Rob a bank? Torture a kitten? Murder a tortoise?

Or perhaps did you do some normal human things??

If you didn’t do any of the first lot. Then you’re talking out of your arse for believing him. Have some SELF empathy

All tortoises and above mentioned things are safe!

I did normal human things, as you put them, but I took them to the extreme, till they became unbearable. I guess it was like the equivalent of water dripping on rock.

I didn't do them out of malice, but out of my own personal quirks and character (which I have been getting help with, and seeing that it's actually not "just how everyone is", but some slightly odd behaviour as a result of some events in my life shaping me this non-positive way.) I sort of knew they were happening but at the time I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't stop myself, until he could bear it no more.

If I don't help myself now, while I have the pain to spur me on, then I will never break the cycle and oh god the heartache right now - I can't keep putting myself through that repeatedly for the same outcome later down the line.

Thank you so much for thinking kindly of me though

But it's not all about me, so going back to the thread, I agree that the working week (or whatever people do) is easier than the downtimes, due to the structure and expectations - workload, polite office chit chat, normal domestic stuff - you can fulfil and busy yourself with.

e.g. I went to bed before it was even 8pm yesterday - partly because I was genuinely tired, but partly because I had fuck-all else to do, go, be or say and I couldn't stand just mindlessly watching TV another second.

Hello people joining 😊 Good to have you hear, although obviously not good you feel lonely..

Rhubarb I agree, it's about being valued too, voluntary jobs do fit the bill although I do agree with Hope (I can't call you hopeless, it just feels wrong!) it is hard to commit every weekend...maybe there's things out there that wouldn't require weekly commitment and then other routines could be put in place for other times.
Our discussion about what might make us feel better is making me think of Action for Happiness. Have you heard of them?

www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living

eightfaces I agree we could probably benefit from having a long hard look at the assumptions we make about other's happiness... a lot of this seems to be about shifting mindsets doesn't it?

Shotsfired credit to you for getting help and working through 'your stuff' it's an incredibly brave thing to do- so many people will never even go there. I hope you can come to a place of self compassion through the process. I doubt I'm wrong in saying that you must have been through some heavy/ painful experiences to get to where you were. In the meantime, I hope you'll accept compassion from us here...

@ShotsFired
Always happy to think kindly of someone who probably isn’t inherently evil. If you were, you would have at least had the decency to own 25 gold Bentleys and be a dictator of a small country ! At least it would be worth it then 😉

Hi Stillme
I was thinking earlier that it’s all very well us talking about volunteering, the gym etc (and work), but there will be some people here who are too unwell to actually get out there and do things.

What could help? Does Mumsnet itself help in that situation? I hope so. Having other people to chat to online, being able to share experiences and offer advice or ideas to people.....perhaps that helps a little.

What else might work if it’s difficult to get out of the house for whatever reason ?

Hi Emma feel free to call me ‘hope’. It seems appropriate. Although I really am hopeless with numbers.

Thanks for the Action for Happiness link. I follow them on Twitter but haven’t really looked at what they do.

@shotsfired That's very sweet of you to say, but honestly, the things that are wrong with me, I think I do deserve everything I got.

I thought that about myself for years and years, probably about 45 of my 52 years. However I was wrong, it was other people and their actions that made me think like that. I hope that it will be the case for you in the future - I never thought it would be the case for me but somehow, somewhere along the line it's changed.

OMG, Emma, I’ve put my name down for the next available course with them!!! I’m willing to give them a shot!

lovemusic, I have a teenager holed up in the room too, it is hard!

I was thinking about it, what’s ‘the problem’????

I have a social circle, several, in fact. I do stuff, I enjoy my own company. I love my home so much, it makes me so happy to come/be home.
So what’s my problem?

I think it’s the lack of spontaneity. Say, Saturday afternoon, haven’t spoken to a soul since Friday, but I did all sorts of stuff that made me happy. And then bang, it strikes. I miss something. I miss a human body around (the cat is a grumpy old git who bites at random). I miss eye contact, I miss a hug, an answer to my question. Some sort of a reminder that I exist, if you want.
With a partner at home, you have that. You have the spontaneity to suggest a walk, even if you don’t talk much whilst walking. You smile at someone and they smile back. The more you think about it, the lonelier you feel.
It’s not like I can’t keep myself occupied or I dislike being alone. But there’s something missing.

I think it’s the lack of spontaneity. Say, Saturday afternoon, haven’t spoken to a soul since Friday, but I did all sorts of stuff that made me happy. And then bang, it strikes. I miss something. I miss a human body around (the cat is a grumpy old git who bites at random). I miss eye contact, I miss a hug, an answer to my question. Some sort of a reminder that I exist, if you want.
With a partner at home, you have that. You have the spontaneity to suggest a walk, even if you don’t talk much whilst walking. You smile at someone and they smile back. The more you think about it, the lonelier you feel.
It’s not like I can’t keep myself occupied or I dislike being alone. But there’s something missing.

This is the perfect articulation of it.

Hi, would like to join because I can understand and relate to so much of what others have said. I've relocated twice in the past three years (first because of DH's job, second because of marital breakdown and I had to move back closer to family for the support) and it's left me completely alone and isolated. We left London and basically everything went completely tits up after that (long story). Now I find myself back in the area I grew up but the couple of friends I did keep in contact with aren't here either. I'm back where I was raised but I'm a very different person now and don't feel as though I belong at all. It's quite an insular place with not much going on culturally and I'm anxious I will never meet likeminded people here. To be honest I don't go to many places and think - "she/he looks interesting, I'd like to get to know them more".

When I think back to the friends and the life I had in London I feel so unbelievably sad - it almost feels as though I am in exile. There is no way I can afford to go back and raise my children there alone. I do go back there and see friends a few times a year but this is very bittersweet. I have parents close by who are very supportive but neither really understand what I've gone through.
I think the worst feelings are with regards my two DCs as I worry that because of my isolation they aren't being 'socialised'. My youngest in particular has suffered as I've never done any of the playdates with him which I did tonnes of with eldest when I had loads of friends around me with similar aged children. I think this is a massive loss to their lives and I beat myself up about it even though there is nothing different I could have done....

Hopeless - Being on MN is helpful. I can read about others who are living their lives. I don't mean this nastily but in a way it is good for me to see that other people on here have various kinds of problems. This takes my focus away from my own problems. I don't want to be self centred. I sometimes manage to go out and do what for me are amazing things but this is only when my health is better.
Family don't seem to have any idea or understanding of the problems that I have. They have been a bit tactless and made fun of my situation. Don't think I can say much more on that subject without saying too much which would cause identification.
It is good to talk to people from all sorts of different lives.

I hadn’t realised Action for Happiness did courses until last night.
You’ll have to let us know how it goes 8Fencing

I’m quite tempted myself but can’t afford it at the moment.

Stillme glad to hear that you sometimes manage to get out. It must be very difficult to stay positive.
I think online support like MN can (when it’s good) be a real lifeline for people. I know exactly what you mean about reading about other people’s problems. It can help to put your own situation in perspective, it certainly has done for me at times.