The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Thank you. I really don't think I can reach out. I'm shit at making friends. I don't think anyone bothered about being friends.

This evening is hard again. God knows. Thank you for posting everyone x

@purpleme12 I always said I didn't have any friend. People I knew. But no one I would knock on their door in an hour of need.

When ex left I did just that. I rolled up at people's door crying. They took me in and listened. I have since built up new circle of friends. And have people I can call on old and new. I struggle to see my worth in many ways. Ex did a good number there. And can't even write one good thing about myself let alone five. ( I have pretty green eyes. There is one). But I know if anyone I know asked for my help I would be there for them. And I know that 90% of the population feels the same. Look at this thread. We are all lonely. And want friends and people in our lives. When you feel you can I am sure you can connect. Even if it is just a casual contact. You can build on. But all in good time. Just keep getting through each day. And if you really feel it is all too much please go and talk to your gp

Hope you managed to sleep tonight.

I’ve had a tough weekend really. I have a great break with my son at a youth hostel. We came back late on Friday and he’s at his Dads since Sat morning till tomorrow. I went out on Sat for food - have been over eating - and then have binged on Netflix.
I hate my ex at times - he was abusive. I try and not see him and limit contact. I’m sad at the way he treated me or I allowed him to do it and that my self esteem was so low I put up with this.
Purpleme- your reaching out here and that’s ok. Keep posting.
Do you work? Have any family you can turn too? Sorry if you’ve already said - how old is your child? Do you watch Tv - I find it distracting - stops me thinking.
You take care.

I'm sorry you've had a hard weekend too Mary. :-(

Yes I do work part time, which is good. It means I see other people and focus on something else. Sometimes I can forget about it at work. I'm not close with my family which is another reason I find it so hard. My mum has let me down. She's not been there for me, emotionally. I mean I'm sure lots of people have had lots worse family but I can't look to her for support.

My daughter's 4. I worry that having one person in the house is not enough for her. She's so sociable. X

Hi Purpleme - Yes it’s tough not having support from family - can she provide practical support for you - ie babysitting? Day or evening so you can have a couple of hours to yourself.
My sons an only child and when ex went I found it very hard for a good few months. I’m lucky that I take him to school and collect so I have got friendly with a couple of mums AND I arrange for his friends to come to the house after school at least once or twice a week. It keeps him occupied and gives me a break.
This didn’t happen straight away but it has built up slowly - he’s 8 now.
Have you looked at Gingerbread or Meet Up groups - some have meet up for families - it depends what’s in your area.
Is your daughter seeing her Dad? Is he useful or useless!!!
Life can be shit at times. I try to remember “This too will pass”
I’m back to work tomorrow. It will force me out of the house.
I must have watched 10 hours of Netflix today!!!
No wonder I can’t sleep. X

Hi Everyone

Grrrr terrible sleep problems at the moment.

Anyway just found this, loads of resources and information. I’m going to have a proper explore later

www.good-thinking.uk

And this from yesterday’s paper

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/aug/19/ode-to-joy-how-to-find-happiness-in-balloons-and-rainbows

About finding joy and happiness in our surroundings and in objects.

There is so much in the media about this topic. It just emphasises to me that we (on this thread) are part of a much much bigger group of people who are feeling sad, lonely, dissatisfied etc and really want to connect with others.

Hopeless, I really like that second article. I’ve long thought round objects with radiating symmetry affect us mentally and positively!

Another one!

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4rD7D6htDP9Bz8FpXn6bgkK/get-in-the-friend-zone-how-you-can-make-mates

This is more about practical tips for making friends and meeting new people.

A lot of the ideas are things we’ve discussed here previously, but hopefully it will be of use and interest. I like the ‘saying yes’ to things bit. I’m really trying to do that at the moment.

Ifyousee yes I liked that article too. An interesting perspective.

Saffy thank you for the Borrow My Doggy link. I did sign up to that several years ago but never got matched with anyone! (even rejected by dogs ) but I’ve moved areas now so will give it another go.

Thank you Emma for the Devon info. I will make sure I have a good look at it before I go away. Fingers crossed that the weather is suitable for outdoor swimming.
Glad you managed to meet up with your friend and enjoy it. I hope you managed the weekend ok.

Gin I like your point about keeping your head up while walking. I can imagine it does make a difference, BUT I am always worried about stepping in dog poo Is it just me?

Hi Notadrill I’m glad you have found this thread useful. I think we have all been brilliant threaders! Kind, caring & compassionate but also with lots of practical ideas and support.
We did have a London meet up. Only two of us for this first one, but I really enjoyed the afternoon.

Hi anotherfail sorry you’ve been feeling down. Good to hear from you though. I think you’re so right about time. We expect so much from ourselves, too much a lot of the time. It’s important, if possible to take time to reflect and feel the sadness if that’s what’s there, horrible and painful as it is.

Hi Mary glad you had a good time at the youth hostel, but sorry you are feeling down now. When is your DS back?

I’ve had a good weekend. Didn’t manage a swim in the sea. The temperature was lovely but it was very rough, red flags up! I went in up to my knees!

My sleeping has been so awful for a week now. Definitely anxiety/stress related. And the more tired I get, the less I am able to cope. A horrible vicious circle.
I’m going to start going to bed really early. I can get to sleep, but am waking about 3 every morning.

I did notice yesterday that although I was really enjoying myself yesterday with my friends, part of my brain was still tuned in to the stuff which is making me sad / anxious. I’ve never been someone who can be ‘in the moment’.
I think I should try some mindfulness techniques.

Hi Hopeless thanks for the articles I will look at them later.
My DS came back this morning when I collected him from his Dads.
He’s now on the PS4 but it gives me some peace after work. I’m tired. My sleep has been bad over the weekend. I sometimes take Valerium (herbal sleep aid). I may take one tonight. I’m agitated - well angry at my ex. I could smash his face in. I’ve blocked him instead and will now communicate via email
As I child we weren’t allowed to “feel” or express our emotions. I can say I’m angry and I know it’s part of my healing which I need to go through.
Mindfulness is meant to be great for some people. “Being in the moment” - we are always thinking of the past and the future and not being in the moment.
I’ve got the books!!! I could do with practising it.
I’m in work this week and am off again next week.
I’ve also had a letter for jury service. It’s a new experience and I will need to sort out childcare. See - already I’m in the future!!!
Have a restful evening.

Hi all, I’ve not posted for a while but have been following. Good to read about the meet up and all support people are giving each others. Hello to everyone who is new.

I have been struggling a little to keep busy lately so am looking forward to work starting again in a few weeks. I’ve been feeling anxious too. Or maybe not anxious but like a deep rooted feeling of unease. Not sure how to describe it. Tense and hyper alert.

I am thinking of going back to counselling for a bit as I can’t unstuck myself from my thoughts. I’ve been pushing on the last 18 months through everything, h leaving me, separation, ongoing divorce, miscarriage, and it’s a bit as if my body suddenly registers how stressful it’s been. I don’t think I’ve looked after my emotions as much as I’ve looked after myself in the practical matters and I’ve neglected the grieving. Now that the practicalities are sorted and I’ve settled into my new life a little, it’s time to address it.

Apologies for the self-indulgent post. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Hi Everyone just a quick one to say I've just bought this for 99p on Kindle
"Happy: Why More or Less Everything is Absolutely Fine" by Derren Brown. I really like him anyway.

I also feel like I'm getting a bit obsessed with this happiness lark - but it is interesting to read different ideas and ways of approaching things. Not that I've found the answer yet

Afternoon all.

@Mary1935 hope you are feeling a bit better. That is the problem with having a good few days the bumps have to follow.
I read in a thread somewhere about someone eating badly and someone replied saying don't let him do this to you. It struck a cord with me. Not that my eating has improved.

@purpleme12 is your daughter starting school in September. I know it is scary but I have made good friends from the school gate. It takes guts. But look up. Smile at people and say morning to everyone.

@FolkGirlAtHeart think when life is a challenge. We just go on auto pilot. When da got his asd diagnosis. And was self harming. People kept asking me how I was. And I do this in my work. But the truth is. It doesn't matter how I am. I have to keep going. I don't have a choice of walking away. Not that I would. But mindfulness is maybe something I can take on board and explore. I do want to do yoga or something. But don't see how/when. As only get eow and not consistent times. Need to explore maybe a Sunday morning class

Anyway we had a phone call from the hospital to go in tomorrow. I'm a bit concerned they phoned. Hopefully nothing serious. But what a fabulous service. In less than two weeks he was initially assessed. Had mri scan and now seeing consultant. Don't feel so bad about not going away now. Good we will know one way or another if he needs an operation.

eve I hope you get a positive result tomorrow. It sounds like a quick turnaround, which is good.

You are right, you just keep going but I’m looking forward to focusing on me a bit more now. I follow Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. She has lots of really good free videos which I do regularly. Some of them are only 20 minutes. Maybe you could try them? You don’t get the social aspect of a class but the actual yoga is really good.

Eve yes she is starting school. I'll try to do that. I always feel that people don't give off this open vibe that they want to talk? I don't know....

Morning all
It’s chilly now, glad I took the duvet out again.

Glad the London meetup happened :). And welcome to the newbies!

It’s been rather manic here, looking forward to September, we’re going away for a few days but then the school starts. My DD has grown so much this summer!
I’ve been really busy, trying to get things in order for September. Bought the uniform and shoes, need more PE kit and tights. All doable. Sorted the car (MOT, service, finance). Finished decorating. I need a holiday. And a visit from the ironing fairy 😂.

I’ve done an insane amount of overtime to pay for all this.

I am going to the book club this week, I’ll let you know how it goes. I’ve been reading quite a bit too.

Hope you all have a good day, I must jump in the shower :)

Hi Eve thanks for the feedback - it’s true - I need to live a good life for me.😁.
8fencing - I do not iron - well my sons uniform up till year 3 but I don’t do it now!!!
Some people like it - therapeutic- nah - not for me. I like mopping - a bit shiny floor!
Yes it’s a busy time getting stuff sorted for school and the holidays.
It’s my DS birthday tomorrow - he will be 9. He’s not too cheeky yet and listens to my boundaries.
I’m hoping to do some car boots at the weekend. I getting stuff out of the house and not bringing stuff in. It’s slow buts if I keep on the same track I will see a difference. It will be a home and not a hovel.
I too must hop in the shower. I’m on annual leave from tomorrow so I should be able to get through the day.

Happy birthday to your son for tomorrow, Mary! Enjoy it! Mine doesn’t want a birthday party. Or anything for that matter:(. Unless it’s money. I am not allowed to sing happy birthday either!Teenagers!

I hope you and your son have a good birthday tomorrow Mary x

Hi all. Feeling down as I don't have my kids with me and I missed out on a job I really wanted (my former work). Also just realised I have nothing planned for the weekend. Will have my kids back at weekend but feel guilty for not having stuff planned with other people. Sigh.
Sorry to be so negative. hope everyone is having a good week?

@user1493423934 don't feel bad about having nothing planned. Kids are Happy just to be home relaxing. Also my two favourite things are taking their bikes to the park and going to the paddling pool. Sometimes the simplest things mean more.
Hope you enjoy your weekend. X

Evening all. What are everyone's plans this weekend? Kids are off to there dads for eow. I seem to of made plans for all my pm/am/afternoon slots.

Still feeling sad that this is it for the foreseeable. Even though I am seeing friends and volunteering. And have that elusive me time it is t what I wanted. I just want to be with the kids as a family. Know it's not going to be any different. Just want to sit and cry this evening. But will paint a smile on my face and wave the kids off.

Sure once tomorrow comes round I won't feel so sad. It is the transition bit I hate.

Eve I will cry with you!

Everyone was so happy at work - a bank holiday - yipeeee.

I am dreading it and yes it's my choice to divorce my husband and I will have DD on Sun / Mon but it's a lot harder than I anticipated.

I haven't set up my 'single' life yet and so don't have any plans. And all I can see is everyone else in families, friendship groups, activities.

I need to pull myself together!

So any practical tips on how to be alone, how to fill the time or just anything very welcome xxxx

@Ginandtonic4all it is a big adjustment. I don't envisage a time when I will feel positive about the eow thing. although do very much appreciate it is important they spend time with their dad. And would never get in the way of that.

I am so fortunate that I have made new single Mum friends. I am part of a community allotment and volunteer at the night shelter. All things I wanted to do. But it just feels hollow.

I guess it is just early days still and I'm pinning for my old life.

Just going to take time. Roll on 48 hours and the kids are back. I dread when they will go for longer. But guessing that won't materialise until Christmas. And then it will clash with ex social life.

@eve34 hollow is a good word. I wonder why it feels hollow? Especially if being single and doing the best for the kids and us as people is the right descion.

I probably think too much!