The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Eve thank you for the welcome. It is horrid when plans go wrong. Health comes first I guess

Morning everyone and welcome Gin Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. As 8Fencing and eve said, be kind to your self. It's your first weekend with no plans, it's bound to be difficult. Do as much (or as little) as you feel able. And if that turns out to be nothing, don't feel guilty!

I have changed my mind about the Meet Up I was going to today (it was an actual Meet Up, not a MN one. I have never - knowingly! - met anyone from MN). I've decided not to go but I think for positive reasons. I've got lots of things I need to do in the house and want to listen to the cricket! So I don't think it's a 'I can't face it' decision.

I went to the political(ish) event I planned to go to yesterday. It was in a boiling hot room so I didn't stay very long. I didn't see anyone I knew but I did enjoy being there and listening to some of the speakers. I went to visit my daughter & co afterwards which is always good.

I bought a lovely notebook yesterday and have decided to use it to write down my thoughts, feelings and ideas. It definitely helps writing here but obviously there are things I don't say on here so hopefully the notebook will let me get it all out!

I'm quite worried about my eating at the moment. I eat healthy meals but it's the rubbish I eat in between. It feels like it's getting out of control and I'm hoping the journal will help a bit with that.

Books - I would recommend this "Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine' It's a novel; funny and touching I thought.

eve I'm sorry to hear about your holiday. Very disappointing but it sounds like you didn't have much choice. I hope you find some stuff to do today to take your mind off things.

I'm going to banish thoughts of rejection and say......Does anyone want to meet up next Saturday (18th) afternoon somewhere in Central London. I haven't got a specific plan, maybe just meet for a cup of tea, a walk or a gallery or museum?

Number I need to check my diary but if I'm free I am in for a meetup x

Great Gin let me know whenever.

Hi all, I’m having a cleaning day - yesterday I planned on doing so much but couldn’t face it all. I was planning on doing a car boot today but it looked like rain! So I’ve left that - I’m watching Morse - mumsnet - in between cleaning 5 years of dust from the living room.
I’m away from Monday to a youth hostel with my son - I like it more than he does - I find the people who stay very sociable.
What I find difficult is I have friends who know I’m alone who don’t make an effort - I’ve asked them to do things but they don’t respond much so I leave this. I feel I’m begging if I ask more than once.
It’s me that tends to initiate things but I’ve accepted this is how it has to be.

I hope everyone has had an ok Sunday.

I love Morse, Mary ! How did your cleaning go?

It is difficult when it feels as if it's always you making the effort with friends. I know that feeling too. I have one friend, my oldest friend, that I always have to put the work in with. But with her I just accept it. Others have probably fallen by the wayside because it gets a bit demoralising to keep asking and being rejected.

Have fun in the Youth Hostel.

Thanks hopeless - yes cleaning went well actually - it’s clean but lots of stuff upstairs now!!!
Morse was good and now I’m watching the series of Fargo on Netflix.
I’ve not been out today but I’ve sent some texts. I’ve felt ok staying in sometimes but when it becomes all the time it’s soul destroying.
Yes friends I’ve let people go too in the past and since my marriage ended I’ve stopped seeing four others as they where trying to justify an abusive marriage. They were Christians and believed marriages mustn’t end and could work if I prayed more and understood him.
E
Hope you have a good week.

Evening all. Mixed bag weekend here. Quite enjoyed being alone Friday, watched a film etc. Saturday i was out with a friend all day and today I feel like I’ve just rattled around the house on my own. It was ok for a while but I started to pray for my own bedtime about five hours ago!

Hello! Is it too late to join the party?

I’m 37, no kids, single for 3 years since ExH walked out.
We’d been undergoing IVF after a miscarriage at 12 weeks, and unexplained infertility and while I was getting crushed under the weight of all that he was getting underneath a coworker...
I’ve been single since then, date now and then but I find it really hard to ‘click’ with anyone.
I do actually have a great group of friends, but we’re all geographically scattered so I’m mostly on my own at weekends. I’d like to think I’ve developed some good habits in keeping myself busy, but recently I’ve found myself hiding away -someone upthread very accurately described it as being passive, and I totally agree.

I can’t make myself do anything because I feel like nothing is going to change. Most stupid sentence ever, but I feel like some of you may be able to relate! It’s been great reading this thread and I’ve found lots of positive and uplifting things in doing so.
Folkgirl your holiday sounded fab, was it Skyros by any chance? I did a week there two years ago and loved it. Solo traveller utopia!

I split up with my partner of 10 years a month ago. I am finding it hard. Even though I know I didn't have what I need or want from it. I know I deserved more. But I feel like I have no one now. I have no one around me. I can't talk to anyone. I just wanted someone to enjoy life with. And now I've got no one to be passionate about life or anything with.

I almost feel I don't know who I am anymore. I think about what other people will think about me too much. I feel insecure. And sometimes just been crying in front of my child. I don't know if I'm going to get past this. Cos I've got no support network

Hi Purple and Candle
Welcome! Purple please be kind to yourself - You're in early days yet. I still cry in front of my kids and its been a year. Take care of yourself. Could you see a counsellor?

Evening all! And welcome newbies 🤗
I have no idea where today went! Work was really really taxing, turned me into a bit of a zombie for the rest of the day.
Talking about not knowing who we are anymore, I thought about this today. I used to do this mind map at the end/beginning of the year.
In the middle, I put ME in a circle. Then from ME I put my many ‘roles’ all around:mother, employee, friend, sibling, partner, neighbour, citizen etc.
And next to each role I put 5 things I am happy about and 5 things I am unhappy about.

And then dwell on that😂😂🤣😂

The thing I was thinking about today is: I have no ‘role’ for ME. My mindmap referred to all these facades, roles I play, but I don’t really pay any attention to me.
So I’m doing a new one soon. And a new bauble will be ME.

We morph into what’s expected of us too much.

So if I am to think of 5 things I like about me, I’m finding it hard to not just go: I...like meditating. But that’s not a thing I like about me. Who am I?
The whole point of meditating for instance, is acceptance and thinking of everybody, not just yourself. But I’m going to try and meditate about ME. Be mindful of ME.
I’m over 40 and I still don’t have a clue who I am.
Now that I’ve lost you all, I shall hit the sack 😆

Morning all

@HopelessWithNumbers I too am eating really badly. It is my go to thing. I don't drink and I don't smoke (so what do you do. My inner Adam ant there). I'm trying to eat better but life keeps getting in the way. Poor excuse Hope you enjoyed your weekend. It sounds like the right balance of getting out and time out too. Good luck with meet up. Hopefully being London you will meet a few people. I have met a few mn now. And it is good to see real live people

@Mary1935 hope you enjoyed your cleaning. I always get good sense of satisfaction when it is done. Hope you have a lovely holiday. Sounds fab. I was just talking to my kids about youth hosteling. I think unless people have been alone they really don't understand those of us that are on our own. I know I'm guilty of this when my sister separated from her husband it never occurred to me she might want/need more support/time. She was always so good at keeping herself busy. Now I would make super effort with anyone I know who is recently single.

@CandleWithHair sorry to hear of the difficulties you have had. It's good that you are recognising you need to make some changes. Hopefully this thread will give you some ideas.

@purpleme12 be kind to yourself. It is early days. And like others I'm 12 or 6 months depending on which split you want to work from and I still cry. Like you I know deep down it is for the best. He was a bullying arse. But the future for my kids isn't what I wanted for them.

@8FencingWire there has always been no me. I am defined by my roles. So see where you are coming from. I'm not sure how I carve out me. As the things I do. Mother. Work volunteering. Are the things that I enjoy and make me me. If that makes sense. Need to give it some thought.

Anyway. Another Monday. Need to phone and hopefully rearrange our flights. Kids are so upset. And with ds injury there isn't much we can actually do so are limited to how to fill the next two weeks.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Now that I’ve lost you all, I shall hit the sack 😆

@8FencingWire This made me laugh. You didnt lose me at all, I can relate. I had some counselling a while back and I was asked what ‘makes me me’ and what I like about me. I struggled to answer. It took so long to come up with a few adjectives (positive) to describe myself. I was much better with the negatives.

@CandleWithHair our situations sound very similar (except for the IVF; I’m sorry you have gone through such a crappy time). I’m worried that the being alone at weekends and hiding away will become a habit for me. I’m looking for a hobby to do at weekends but everything seems to slow down then (semi-rural South West).

Thank you for replying. It makes me feel less alone.

Eve, that’s pants, hope you sorted something out with the flights!
Folk, glad you found it funny. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own head, makes sense to me, but the others put on a polite confused face 😂 or just tell me I’m nuts!

So, ME. 5 things I like about me.
I’m a fighter.
I don’t have any limitations (or boundaries 😂). As in: I don’t believe in ‘it’s impossible’. It might be, but if I want it, I’m going to do it/get it etc. Once my mind is made up there is literally nothing stopping me.

I’m resilient. I keep getting knocked down but, so far, I always got back up again.

I’ve got a curious mind.

I’m dyslexic. I actually like it, it’s like a scar, but it made me what and who I am.

I won’t bore you with what I don’t like about me.

There you go, a bit of self indulgence.

I’ve got to put my paintings back on the walls. I have no idea what I want to put where. They all might just get back in their old places. I have an awful lot of white walls.
And an awful lot of house plants to find new spots for.
Hope everybody is having a calm and relaxing evening :)

@HopelessWithNumbers I don't think I can do 18th. So sorry. I have just started taking some medication for anxiety and it's awful. I'm not sure how I will be on Saturday. But please please can we do it another time and soon.

Hi Gin absolutely not a problem. We will definitely do another time, when you feel up to it.

I have had a difficult couple of days, work is awful in a number of ways. Luckily most of my close colleagues are lovely.
And I've been in touch with my ex.....
He rang me by accident yesterday evening but I was at the cinema so didn't hear it. I sent him a message to see if everything was ok (I didn't realise it was an accident) and we ended up arranging to talk today.
It was actually ok. I was pleased to speak to him and we managed to talk about our break up in a civilised way. I got upset at one point but it feels as if I needed to do it.
My feelings for him haven't gone away but I know it can't work. I'm feeling ok this evening, which I hope is a good sign.

I've got a history related Meet Up tomorrow evening. If I can make myself go I think I will enjoy it.

Evening all.

Hope everyone is having ok few days.

@Ginandtonic4all glad to hear you are feeling ok after talk to your ex. I hope it gives you some peace.

So day two of our holidays. We went to ikea. We have mri tomorrow for ds injury but although that is fab news. I am not expecting to have the results quickly.

It nice to be home just relaxing. Although kids are arguing as we usually get out to the park or somewhere to entertain them. When we are home.

Feels a waste of my leave. But it is what it is.

I'm now trying to make plans for the bank holiday weekend. I will be at the allotment Saturday morning. And the night shelter Saturday evening. I plan the day in three slots am pm and evening. I don't mind having 1/2 slots alone at home but try to have something plan each day. So two more days to organise. It sucks. I bet my ex isn't wondering what to do with himself or feeling bereft without the family. 😪

I’m a bit of a lurker but if there were to be a London Meetup on Saturday I’d be in xx

Hi everyone
Have not read all the threads, just a quick scan as days go past and the thread gets bigger! I’d be very happy to meet in London or the south east, I need to fill my weekends, my FT job fills the weeks.

This weekend is ok, but the bank holiday I am dreading, THREE days to fill instead of two

Thing is, though there’s plenty out there to do, it’s feeling ok to do it alone. Sometimes going somewhere if you don’t really feel like it can make you feel worse. I’m having a few low days just now, so I guess I’m a bit negativeapologies for that..

Hi All

eve Hope the MRI goes well and you the results soon. I try to plan my days too (lots of them at the moment as school hols in full swing).

I’ve been on my own a lot this week and it has been difficult at times. Mainly because I get so sluggish and don’t do anything. It’s not helped by the fact the a friend of mine ran into my ex the other day. I thought he had left the area. It’s thrown me to know he works so close to me. I still think about the whole thing too much and don’t know how to free myself from it.

Hopeless I’m glad you could have a good talk although I can understand how difficult it must have been if you still have feelings. I think I would like to have a talk with my ex, to just say goodbye even. He’s never done that, just left, and I feel I don’t have closure. I doesn’t want contact though and I have to accept that. But maybe this closure thing is just bollocks anyway.

@FolkGirlAtHeart thank you for your thoughts. Scan took an hour. Ds has asd. So knew it was gong to be a challenge for him. But so very proud he got through it. Just hope someone gets in touch soon and all being well there isn't anything wrong and we can get rid of the crutches.

Think we all need to make peace with our past. Be it head on. Or just through the passage of time.

I don't understand how when you get to a point that you feel like you are falling out of love you don't do all you can to get back to where you were. I guess if I understood that then I wouldn't be the loyal. Committed person that I am. Or is that code for mug. And I guess it is selective as well. How my ex saw everything. Is very different to how I see it. So not on the same page at all.

I assume that we will all get to the point we are meh about them. Although saying that my sister got married last year and my mum said that is the last time I will have to see your dad. So maybe not

Fingers crossed, eve, that you get the outcome you want.

It's difficult isn't it. I am definitely not meh about my ex yet, even after 2 years. I didn't and still don't understand how he could go from being married to me to just disappear. It was 'only' a 10 year relationship but still. One thing he said with a shrug was that he was 'always a serial monogamist' but also that he didn't really want his marriage to end as he still loved me...a whole lot of mixed signals probably designed to really confuse me. And it worked. Oh well. Onwards and upwards.

Oh folk. Don't tell me that. 😪. I can only think that they lie. My ex said the I love you but not in love with you. It all got boring and predictable. I would of done anything to make it right but he was already seeing ow. So I didn't stand a chance. And I really don't want someone who thinks that little of me in my life. As much as it has destroyed me and dc. We will all get there eventually.