The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

That's so lovely to hear FolkGirl Really pleased to hear how well it went- it gives us all hope for change I think. It's a wonderful thing to have rediscovered some misplaced confidence and not at all arrogant! I think we can all forget who we are when we're isolated and it's a beautiful thing to be reminded our of positive qualities by others reactions to us if that makes sense. So nice to read that here today

user please try and be kind to yourself. I know it's hard but just little things to remind yourself of your strengths. Even if they're tiny things. You're going through a lot- what would you say to a friend who was in your position?

Hello all!
I had an absolutely manic week and this week is continuing in the same vein 🙄. Sorry for the radio silence!
Hamble happened...in a way. We met just before Hamble then stopped at the pub for lunch and never actually got to Hamble😂. Too much good talk!

Welcome to the newcomers, it’s lovely to have you joining us.

Sorry, I’ve been working too much and a lot of stuff happened, I’m not very coherent. But I’ll be back!

Can i join??

I'm a singal parent, have no family and not many friends. I moved away when my daughter was 10 months old (she's now 3.8 years old) to a rural (ish) village and I'm still the outsider here so apart from the odd hello to people when walking around and chats to my immediate neighbours I don't have anyone here either.

I feel so alone a lot of the time. Im lucky that i do enjoy my own company but i feel like i get cabin fever in my own mind if that makes sense??
I spilt up from my daughters dad when we moved here and have pretty much been singal since, apart from the odd date and had someone stringing me along over two years which was rough.. that finally ended a couple of weeks ago, although the right thing to do, I'm still feeling the sting of hope lost with him which hurts and is adding to the loneliness right now.
I'd love to meet someone and be happy but I feel like I've isolated myself so much I can't see it happening. I tried OLD and won't try it again. It's too much of a minefield of "wronguns" I can't be arsed any more..
I plan on starting the gym in september once the little one is in nursery full time so that will at least give me something to do And I'll be around other people which I think will help. I enjoy fittness so it give me something positive to concentrate on too..

Sorry for the moan, I'm just having a crap day today.

Can I join in as well if that's ok?
I have one DS with ASD, I moved about a year ago from where I've always lived to a couple of hundred miles away.
I have some friends where I used to live but have lost contact a bit. It can be really isolating having a child with additional needs and being somewhere you don't really know anyone. I do try and chat to people at groups I take ds to but I'm a bit rubbish socially and my confidence isn't great I always worry about how I'm coming across. would love to make some friends. Love reading the updates on here and feeling slightly less alone

i like been alone :)

Hi sweets123 :) (sorry don't know how to bold yet)

Yeah I feel you, I didn't move too far away, 30 miles, but i lived in the city before coming here and it seemed like it was too far for anyone to bother with me, i guess i had the usual thing of people losing interest when I became a mum too. We were all party animals (main reason I moved away tbh, drink and drug culture..) so i guess i was boring to them all haha. Ah well, wasn't the life I wanted for dd anyway, hence the move so it's ok.. just loanly.. im struggling a bit with the recent "break up". I'm so pissed off with him and myself that I let him come back into my life when I was happy and contented with how things were. It's not the first time he's pulled this stunt (although it will be the last..) i should have known and not fell for his sweet talk again but i did and here i am, yet again, feeling lost and rejected when i really was in a good place a few months back. Just getting on with things, work, dd..

Well, as I've been here before and I'm familiar with the feeling I know I'll snap out of it soon. I'm busying myself with refurbishing some furniture and decorating the house. Will be meeting a friend (one of two..) tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that and having a good chin wag.. things just feel so consuming when you have no one to bounce thoughts off. I'm also embarrassed about what happened with last guy because it's happened so many times before I feel like I have to put on a brave face and act like I'm not bothered but I really am.. I thought this time was it

Hello all,
Late to this thread too but feeling so lonely and down after marriage and relationship of 24 years ended suddenly last year. Ex just walked out one day to be replaced with a cold unfamiliar stranger.
Some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and go to work.
It’s the sudden loss of my life, my best friend, and my future as I knew it. I still wake up 9 months on and cannot believe how alone I feel.
I keep busy, work, but there is an emptiness inside I can’t imagine not having.
We have to all be kind to ourselves.

Just catching up with a few day’s worth of posts.
Hello 👋 to all the new people, too numerous to mention, but welcome.

Emma thanks for the flowers from a few posts back! They were very welcome. I had a very trying few days with my Mum. She’s gone now but I’m back to work tomorrow and am feeling totally worn out.

Folk that sounds like an amazing holiday. So pleased it went well. It’s given me a bit more oomph to think about what I would like to do next year. I will have paid a lot of debt off by March and will have a bit more money to spend on nice things.

‘Hamble’ sounds like a perfect day out 8Fencing . Maybe ‘Hamble’ should be a code word for spending too long in the pub

I’m so glad people are finding this thread helpful.
And there’s no need to apologise for ranting / self pity etc etc. That’s definitely partly what we’re here for.

Just read this....www.stylist.co.uk/life/friendship-apps-london-loneliness-technology-women-bumble-bff-this-weeks-issue-428/221154/amp?__twitter_impression=true

About loneliness but also a new way of finding new friends...friendship apps.
Anyone tried that?

Sorry link doesn’t work.

www.stylist.co.uk/life/friendship-apps-london-loneliness-technology-women-bumble-bff-this-weeks-issue-428/221154

Hi Not Sweets and Tech welcome!
Thanks for flowers Emma
Going thru some legal stuff (Have to be vague sorry as don't want to be too outing, also I think ex and his cronies know my username) and discovered some stuff which makes me angry/sad - ex wasn't who I thought he was. It sucks. Never mind.

Notsurewhatsbest yes I know exactly what you mean about the friendships not lasting once you stop going out, I stopped going out and stopped drinking completely so lost touch with lots of people.
The few friends I had left I often didn't make as much effort with as all the focus was on DS so drifted away from them too and then moved.
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, it's not nice to be messed about. it sounds like you've had a lucky escape to be honest! if you were contented before I'm sure you will get back to that good place. Don't feel embarrassed and don't feel you have to put on a brave face either. Hope you have a nice time meeting up with your friend today

Techgirl I'm sorry you're going through a tough time 24 years is a such a long time so will take a bit of adjusting to. You are right we do need to be kind to ourselves

User that sounds stressful, can you change user names for this thread? Hope you're ok

Hope hello (don't know where the wave is!) thank you for the links and starting the thread!

Hello people joining us 👋
There's so many of us here. Different circumstances yet similar feelings of disconnection, aloness and the internalised shame that goes with it. It's a horrible cycle and increasingly makes me think that there's something wrong in our society... it makes me think of the attached quote and excerpt from Matt Haig's 'Reasons to Stay Alive'.

I think our earlier reflections about working from within- on our self esteem, self worth etc are so important. It's easy to lose sight of when you're in the thick of it- I know I have recently.

I'm going to renew my commitment to me to be kinder to myself. I've been on a lonely week's annual leave, not been away. Today I'm going to take myself out into nature and cook myself something nourishing. That's what I'm going to give myself today. I hope others can find small ways to give to themselves too.

I think we need to build in self care and kind of 'bank' what it gives us for when things are really tough.

Anyway, pontification over for now! Hope that makes some sense

Loving the new meaning of 'Hamble' !

Love to all, whatever's going on for you today. You're worth looking after, I hope you can find it in yourself to do it

Hello everyone

I posted a while ago but then somehow lost the thread ( and it didn’t show up in I’m on!). Anyway I’m very sad I missed a meet up as would have loved to have gone to Hamble in both senses .

This seems a lovely thread - I hope everyone is having a good day.

Hello all!
crumpets, sorry to have missed you! We’ll do it again, this time MAYBE we’ll even make it to Hamble 😂😂😂
Having spent some time on my own I’ve recharges my ‘headspace’ batteries, inly to cram even more immediately. I’m working pretty much non stop for 2 weeks then we’re away for a couple more weeks. Nailed the annual leave this summer, not sure how, we’re not allowed more than 2 weeks in the summer.

And although I did miss my DD, the fact that I was on my own helped, feels like I’ve been in holiday for about 2 months now.
I redecorated, changed stuff round the house, I was able to think only of myself, I took myself swimming whenever I fancied. It’s been good.
I haven’t done a lot of introspection due to having a really busy time, but little by little I’ll go back into a routine.
Food is nearly ready, I’ll go and eat. :)

Brilliant 8!
That's great to hear. Loving your energy- it's inspiring!

Hi All, love your energy, 8 and that quote, Emma.

Does anyone mind if I have a quick moan about divorce proceedings? I just phoned up the court about why the consent order is taking so long and it turned out that the extra info that was needed was handed in beginning of July but only a couple of days ago put towards the judge? Is this normal???? What about the month in between? The first draft (which was rejected) took 5 weeks so I am now looking at that again probably - she couldn't tell me how long it would take as depends on individual judge. I am so stressed about this all. I never wanted this divorce and it's just taking so long despite being so straightforward.

I am trying to focus on some planning work but just can't concentrate.

Thank you for listening and sorry for the rant.

Moan away Folk It sounds annoying and frustrating. I hope it gets resolved soon.

Wow 8Fencing you’re an inspiration! Good to hear that you’ve been so productive.

How are people’s weekends shaping up?

I was only at work for 2 days this week, but they were hard going and worrying days. Changes are afoot at work and it causes a lot of concern and anxiety for people.

My weekend has some potential activities but I will have to push myself. Saturday there is a political type event that I would like to go to. I may know some people there but won’t really know until I get there.

On Sunday I have said yes to a Meet Up Meeting. I won’t know anyone (as far as I know) and it makes me feel really nervous. But I will try to go along.

A few days ago someone mentioned a feature on Woman’s Hour about dating. It was interesting and I thought quite inspiring. I think it applied to meeting people in general, not just dates.
Basically you have to talk to people! As often as you can, even short exchanges, because it gets you used to chatting, making the first move etc.

I went to a meeting last night and realised how difficult I found this with strangers (I’m very chatty with people I know).

I think it’s because I automatically assume that people aren’t interested in what I have to say. It’s going back to the HoI again (Horror of Imposing) Very similar sorts of feelings going on.

I was really struck by your thoughts Folk when you were on holiday, that people do actually like you. I think that’s true of me too much of the time, but something in me just will not accept that.

Thank, Hopeless, I just want it all to be over so that I can get some calm back to try and move my life forwards. It's been a very difficult two years, the most stressful in my entire life!

I have a fairly quiet weekend lined up but I don't mind too much. I have lots of little bits to do around the house so will put on some nice music in the background and just crack on with it. I'll watch a nice film on Netflix tonight and cooks myself something yummy. It will be a bit lonesome but that's ok as it needs to be done. Next week will look a little more lively and sociable.

I am still going back and forth about the whole dating thing. I would love a partner but the 'you are not good enough' and 'no one would want you' voices are so loud and I don't know how to make them shut up. I hope I will get there as I haven't given up on my dream of a family.

Hello All. I have been reading but not posting. But I feel compelled to post. This is my first weekend with no DD who is with ex where I haven't had any plans.

The loneliness is crushing and I have spent most of it lying down feeling horrid. How can I motivate myself to get up and do some chores?

Erghhh I hate this.

gin, welcome!
Instead of doing chores, why son’t you do something nice for yourself? Like a really really tasty cup of hot coffee, bring it back to bed, put some music or the radio on, light a candle and just enjoy the timeout for a while. Getting up and scrubbing the sinks on a Sunday morning is not compulsory, you know? Be kind to yourself, give yourself some time to just enjoy your company.
Then, if you must do chores, start with your bedroom, change the sheets, make it nice and cosy. Clean the bathroom and then have a lovely long hot bath. Start ironing with your favourite tops and dresses, not the tea towels.
Have you seen Mamma Mia? Go watch it, it’s going to make you cry, but it’s a real feel good movie.

I’ve got a new man in my bedroom. He’s perfect. About 30 cm tall and weighs about 5 kilos. Has a bit of a belly. It’s a stone Buddha 😂. Joking aside, looking at him fills me with calm. His simmetry pleases my OCD no end. And my car recognized him in my passenger seat and started beeping, so I had to put a seatbelt on a Buddha 😂😂😂. That was fun!
The new man needs a wash, he’s meant to be in a garden, I live in an apartment. But I absolutely love him.
I am working today. But then I got the afternoon off, it’s only a short shift. I nearly finished the book for my book club, I love it.
Right, shower and off to work, I’ll see you all a bit later!

Thanks 8. Those things sound so sensible and easy but just out of reach. I have managed to get up and make breakfast. I think actually I might be suffering from depression (that's another thread!) as well as loneliness.

So how did you find your book club?

Glad you got some brekkie in. Can you manage a shower?
I haven’t been yet, I’m just reading the first book for it. I found the club on meetup. Right, I MUST get up! Hope your day gets better xx

Morning all. Not sure I can catch up with everyone.

Hello to new people. Sorry you feel lonely. Think it is modern time thing. Everyone is connected via mobiles and social media. And don't actually seek real live people anymore.

@FolkGirlAtHeart Think the divorce process is never straight forward. Hope it is quickly resolved for you.
@HopelessWithNumbers Hope your meet ups go well. Are these general meet up groups or mn ones? It takes practice to start conversations. And think we all have that deep rooted fear we won't be liked. When I had my counselling it became very apparent that I felt boring. This was from ex. as he always wanted to go out and join the party. But I was always the grown up. Sorting the kids and worrying about money. We use to compliment each other. But guess he felt I was holding him back from all that partying. Typical midlife crisis. Maybe.

@Ginandtonic4all If all you can do is sleep. Go with it. It is a grieving process and it will take time to adjust. I'm six months in the eow routine and today is the first whole day I have nothing planned. It isn't easy to get use to. So be kind to yourself. And see the gp. Even if it's just someone to listen to you.

@8FencingWire Sounds like the ideal man. What book have you read. I haven't read in years and have tried several times to start. But think I need a good book to get me going. And also needed to be in a better place emotionally.

Well up and down weekend here. We have had to postpone our holiday as ds is not allowed to go. He has an injury they don't know how serious it is until he has mri. So been told he can't do any activity to put injury at risk. So ex has taken them to activity centre today. I know the injury is probably nothing but if I'm cancelling our holiday so think it needs to be taken seriously. Even though he has been walking around on it for past few weeks.

So if anyone has magic wand and can get mri on Monday and get all ok. We could travel later and have shorter holiday. But know deep down that isn't going to happen. Will rebook for October half term. Not the same though.

So I have today planned as big clean and packing. So bit at a loose end. Will do jobs and then maybe do as others are go out for walk and get something nice for tea. As I have nothing in because we were meant to be going away.