The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Hello fellow clawers!

Just wanted to check in, sorry if I can't keep up with everyone atm, I've read the updates twice but having a particularly blank day...

Thank you for your support and encouragement about the week I've had and the altercation with my friend. I know she's got a lot on her mind but just find myself with no resilience for any of it right now. Consequently, I've sunk into the sofa and stayed there. I haven't spoken to another human being (I lie, I did go to the shop) since Thursday afternoon. I've been stewing and just feel worse, more sad, resentful and alone. Not surprising I know. Then the self loathing creeps in, why am I so pathetic, it could be so much worse, this is of my own doing etc... once I get in this state, I find it almost impossible to drag myself out until I have to (go to work) I hate the tone of self pity in even typing this. So I end up finding it easier to just stay here and then try and drag myself back to the world as and when I have to.

I spoke to an old school friend a good few months ago now. I didn't say anything about being lonely, but strangely, she said to me 'you were always so sociable, I never thought you'd be lonely darling' (she was being nice) so I guess it does show to those who know you!

Anyway, I'm boring myself now. God knows how it must feel to read this!

It's good to read the tenacity and strength of those who've been out doing things/socialising I too would like to hear what comes of the new phone number obtained last night

Hope FolkGirl has managed to get away and that those on holiday are enjoying the change of scenery.

I agree about the writing Hope
There's a lot of good, expressive stuff on here isn't there. I think writing down those conversations you're having in your head is a very valuable and cathartic thing to do- well worth it. I found when I did it post breakup that it really helped me get my head round it all. It was like things I'd never thought of spilled directly from the depths of my subconscious into the page. Really valuable.

Anyway, thanks for reading, I'm not expecting answers, it's just good to get it all out, I appreciate being able to do that

Just seen that you got there FolkGirl! Brilliant! Enjoy the beach day

Thanks, Hopelesswithnumbers it was really nice to have some company and we went out for curry and then watched Stewart Lee live which was hilarious imo, and really cheered me up. Feeling brighter today and getting stuck into things round the house.

Hope everyone is having a better day today, it really helps to know we are in this together.

Room for another one? I have come to the realisation I'm completely on my own, got loads of good friends but am yearning for that special someone. I've recently got closer to a male friend but I need to back off, I've been here before and it didn't end well. I just feel so bloody lonely today.

Hi user you are very welcome here. Is the friend not a suitable prospect for something more?

Yay well done Folk. I was a bit confused by the ‘child day’ comment I hope it turns out to be chilled!

Emma it’s sad to hear you feeling so low. Please don’t think you are boring us. We’re here to listen and understand. Sometimes we have to let these phases wash over us I think. But it’s not nice.
Thanks for your words about the writing. I think I’m going to give it a go later, although the prospect scares me a bit as I’m sure I will find it very upsetting. But hopefully ultimately cathartic.

tartan I meant to watch Stewart Lee yesterday. Will watch tonight instead. Sounds like you had a good evening.

Take care everyone.

@HopelessWithNumbers No, he really isn't a good prospect. I know from bitter experience. I've been loving the gorgeous weather but sitting outside on my own drinking a glass or 5 of wine just leaves me feeling a bit empty. God I sound bloody pathetic 🙈

Not pathetic at all user . That’s a shame if you have feelings for him, but if you feel he’s not right then trust yourself.

Thankyou @HopelessWithNumbers, it's nice to know everyone is there.. Everything seems out of synch.. Like why couldn't things be different, why didn't I move back to UK when kids younger now I'm stuck abroad for ever as don't want long distance relationship for them with the ex..my mind is telling me it would all have been easier.. But who knows maybe not. There are international groups to meet up with.. But I'm undermining myself thinking I'd be the oldest.. Negative thoughts I know.. Recently I was in UK and got some makeup.. She was so lovely the assistant and was like have more confidence and she was so kind and it was all in my own language I just felt home.. Felt myself well up but it was a good emotion. Think that's when I realise how much pushing those feelings away doesn't work for ever. @userxx you don't sound pathetic at all at least you got out there

Thank you Hope Wise words re letting it wash over you. Maybe that's it, it's better to accept it's a bad phase and will pass.

All the best with the writing. I know what you mean about it being upsetting. I tended to do it when I was upset anyway so it felt better to get it out if that makes sense.

for all

Mary and Hope - just booking my ticket for the Happiness talk and would be happy to meet up before/after - PM me

My 'issues' are very identifying so I'd rather not post them publicly. And I'll rally, I always do. Just having a bit of a wallow!

Can I join please? Currently going through an awful break up with my husband - he's taken to ghosting me, I'm on propranolol for panic attacks and haven't slept in weeks. He's treating me very badly but the overwhelming sense of sadness pain and loneliness... I'm really struggling today with my emotions.

Welcome StewPots
Sounds like you're right in the middle of a really awful place. Really feel for you.
I'm glad you've found us, there's some very insightful, wise and empathic people here. I hope you'll feel able to talk here and lean on others for support

For those going through heartbreak related to relationship breakdown, I thought this article gave an interesting perspective. Obviously not for the time when you're right in the middle of it, but coming through the other side. I think it's what a lot of you are doing anyway actually
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.uk.businessinsider.com/how-to-get-over-heartbreak-according-to-matthew-hussey-2017-8

Thanks for that link Emma . I would say I am taking both the athletic and the hangover approach, depending on how strong and determined I am feeling.
One thing I need to get under control is the comfort eating. I am putting on weight and really mustn’t.

I just wrote a long letter to my ex which I then burned. I think I might have to do it a number of times. I also realised that I am just as sad about the nice bits as I am about the bad bits...I’m not sure about writing and burning the nice things though. I don’t regret them.

Me too Hope I actually bought some healthy food to make then had takeaway pizza the other day

Well done writing that down. I can totally understand feel sad about both good and bad.
Also about the burning, although I guess it's a kind of release ritual. I just had a notebook that I wrote in when I felt the need. Sometimes I wrote to him, sometimes I just wrote. I didn't want to re-read too much at the time but a bit later I found it and thought it was very insightful. It helped me see that I was moving on too.

Hope everyone's doing ok this evening

@HopelessWithNumbers my eating has been awful since ex left. My ds mentioned I never eat properly or with them. So trying to make an effort to cut down snacking and eat meals and work on my five a day. Planning on going back to weight watchers In September. For the millionth time.

I write notes/draft e mails. But never send them. It was very therapeutic and as time has passed it is good to see how I have moved on from the begging and pleading to Now just thinking he is a complete idiot.

Anyway my youngest is back. She has had lovely weekend so pleased ex actually took the time to do stuff with her. But ow had week off. She usually works weekend so he clearly making super effort on her behalf. They made a cake. And kindly sent three slices back. Which I thought was thoughtful not that I will eat it. Bitter moi.

Anyway Another Monday coming around. Hope everyone is ready for it.

May I join you all?
I've just recently had my heart broken again and I'm feeling incredibly lonely even though I have children and some close friends, I just have no idea how to function on my own.
I'm terrible at looking after myself and looking after the house, not sure how to pick myself up out of this hole.
I did initially sign up to some dating sites but then decided I wasn't interested in having my heart broken again and I need to find a way of living without men.

@Cakecrumbs You can do it! Stay away from dating for a while and build yourself up, when you're feeling low and vulnerable you are not going to attract the right sort of man. Get your life sorted before you go there again. Deep breaths and baby steps 👍

Morning all,

eve You're doing so well with this ex and ow situation. I really admire the dignity you're showing with it. It's annoying as hell when they pull out all the stops to play the 'ideal dad' role when you've had to deal with crap from years! I remember thinking this with my ds's father, although now he's grown up he can see things for what they are which is nice. Love your comments about the writing and seeing how far you've come. It's really valuable stuff I think.

Welcome cakecrumbs sorry to hear you're going through this, glad you've found us. Wise words from user couldn't have put it better.

So, a new week is here. I don't feel the relief of routine yet but am hoping I will as the day goes on. I've been realising what an awful rut I've got myself in. There's no major event going on in my life (e.g. Recent breakup etc) so it's hard to feel like my current state has any justification. The few people I have in my life have 'real' problems going on and I'm embarrassed to see them today. They know I haven't been around for a few days and that there's no good reason for this. People I know could do with practical and emotional support but I just haven't got it in me right now. I always try and just say nothing about what's going on with me, there's nothing really to say. However, I do end up looking a bit crap and unreliable, people get fed up with me and so it goes on. I may end up back on the anti depressants at this rate, which is a shame as I was glad to be off them and I'm sure my current mood is circumstantial. If I felt connected and motivated I wouldn't need them.

Oh well, here goes with the week.
Hope everyone is doing ok this morning

I felt like this a year ago, even with a husband, son had left home etc. What I did was force myself on a meet up night out when H away with work. I met 2 great women and we really clicked, still all good friends and since then have met another couple in a similar way. I see one of them every week , she too has a partner and sometimes we go out together, I see the others at least every 2 or 3 weeks and we all whatsapp each other etc. It has made a massive difference to how I feel

Hello yetmorecrap!
Good to hear how you dug yourself out, thank you

@Cakecrumbs sorry to hear you are struggling. You will get back on your feet. You just ha e to find your own flow of getting things done. I second the not dating thing. On line dating is brutal and not for the faith hearted or vulnerable. Be kind to yourself and hopefully you will get to. A better place soon.

@EmmaGoldman1 Thank you. There is much I could make a fuss about but there isn't any point. He always manipulated me in arguments. Shouted over me until I stopped bothering. No arguing with stupid.

He has just text over some missing post. I can't find it and have probably thrown it out. Now waiting for him to kick off. He should of redirected his post months ago. But see above point. No arguing with stupid. And it was my mistake. Amazing how even now he can make me feel like shit. On the plus side it reinforces the I'm better off without him message.

Hi Cakecrumbs I’m with you on the giving men a rest front. I feel that I need to know who I am when there is no man around. It’s not that I’ve never been single, I have, frequently. But I’m always getting over a break up or have one on the horizon or pining after one that doesn’t know I exist. Or something similar. I feel it’s time to have a break from that.

I was thinking about one of your posts Emma and realised that although I am suffering because of a break up, I was often sad and lonely during the relationship. We lived quite far apart and didn’t see each other as much as I would have liked. Because of that I often felt sad, lonely and anxious. It’s a familiar feeling.

Anyway I’m at the seaside with my DGS for a few days. He’s a lot of fun and full of energy of course. We’ve been in the sea this afternoon although not actually swimming. It was very rough.

Hi, can I join?

I’ve always been an outsider and very hard on myself. The loneliness is physically painful at times - it crushes me to the point where I can hardly breathe. I moved abroad because of husband’s job. We have a decent marriage but his work is high pressure and very stressful. I have no friends any more, no one I could turn to in a crisis. I’ve no confidence now, my self esteem is through the floor. My UK friends all promised to come and visit, in 8 years not one has and they don’t keep in touch much nowadays.

I volunteer, go to the gym and attend hobby classes, but have never made a friend, just acquaintances. I’ve spent way too much money because of days wandering round the shops in order to have some interaction. I still spend too much time in coffee shops for the same reason.

I did see a counsellor but she moved away. When I contacted another one they didn’t even reply. That felt great🙁. Haven’t plucked up the confidence yet to try and find someone else.

Morning Cheeky Thanks for joining us.
It does sound like you are feeling very isolated. It must be even more difficult not being in your home country.
It might be worth trying a different counsellor. The one who didn’t reply wasn’t doing that because of who you are, there could be lots of reasons, but I can understand it didn’t exactly help!

Do you ever go back to your own country? Are you overseas permanently?