The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Hello to all - esp new joiners.

This is gaining such momentum. It's tragic to think that we and so many others are trudging through life in such isolation. I guess this is a symptom of modern life. I read that loneliness is prevalent amongst late teens and early twenties too. I think tech had a lot to blame for this.

First day of my hols with my kids. I'm
In London tonight - last time I was here with the kids I was still with exH. Also visited places I last went to with ExBF. I feel like I've enjoyed everything more this time around with my DC and it's helped to lay some ghosts to rest.

Take care everyone.

I'm lonely but not feeling it too much at the moment, probably cos I'm very busy with work, thank goodness. I know that the sadness will return, though.

Hope, you've had a tough evening. Hope you're ok just now.

Sorry to hear you ate struggling too tonight, Hope. You are doing well with not contacting him! Keep going; I know you can do it.

Hope you are feeling better Hope?
I've just realised my ex may be hacking my email account (he set it up on my ph). Luckily I only use it for work-related stuff (and MN notifications) but still feel a little violated. Gah.

@HopelessWithNumbers
Sorry you’re feeling like that. I know it too well.
A saying I always hear on here is
And this too shall pass

Hello all,
Welcome new members

I had a busy day yesterday with work/jobs that needed to be done. Sometimes I think it's good to be busy/occupied, sometimes I just find it draining/it adds to the feeling of emptiness I have if that makes sense. I can be grateful for occupation but yearn for meaning/fulfilment.

Anyway, another day and all that...

Feel for you both FolkGirl and Hope with the ex stuff hitting you like that.
I remember talking to a grief counsellor who told me that the way through grief was to 'go with the waves' of emotion rather than trying to push away bad feelings. That by feeling it, we get through it. Although sometimes it can be like a bloody tsunami can't it?!
Hope you're doing ok today.

for all

user That is a violation. Can you change passwords etc to keep him out?

@HopelessWithNumbers well done for not contacting him. It is another step forward. Wallow if you need to but be proud of yourself. My ex was in hospital for a few days. It took everything I had to stay nc. But managed it. He is no longer my concern
@anotherfail glad your day in London went well. It is hard going to places you have memories. Hope you feel you have managed to move on.
Another sunny day here. It needs to rain now.

Hi everyone thanks for your supportive messages. I had two really difficult evenings. Work is really busy which tires me out so I think I'm more susceptible to bouts of sadness when I get home.

Feeling much better tonight. I've been to the first meeting of a local community organisation. The people I talked to seemed very nice and the organisation is quite ambitious and wants people to get stuck in so this could be just what I am looking for.

Also had a good long chat with a friend on the phone that I haven't spoken to since last year.

So generally feeling better.

eightfaces do you think you'll be fluent in French by the time you get home?

Are you enjoying your holiday another ? Are you still in London? Apparently it's going to be 36 degrees here tomorrow.

Nah, another is sunnying herself elsewhere now 😆.
eightfaces, what are 5 positives for being there? :)
hopeless, I’m pleased to hear you’re doing a bit better

I went out, had a lovely time, but walking back on my own I missed him. That’s when we’d normally have an animated discussion, talk about how it made us feel, what we thought of this that and the other.

I’ll get over it, I know.

I wrote a list of all the things I’m grateful to him for. It’s not a very long list 😂, and it’s not for him, it’s for me. Somehow I need to own them by myself. I must find a way to take ownership and enjoy them as being MINE, not OURS.

It’s easy to say: I won’t be doing x, because it reminds me of him too much. But I’d be missing out on experiences I am enjoying. It’s just that at the moment I see them as shared experiences, not mine.

I realised I have a very large pile of books that I would like to read. So once the house is sorted, I plan to do just that :)

Hope everybody is havig a good night tonight, it’s beautiful out there :)

8Fencing I know exactly that 'after the event' feeling. We didn't live together but I would often talk or message my ex after I'd been to something so I could tell him about it.
I was reading about a book that I thought he'd be interested in the other day and didn't know what to do with myself...I realised that I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it. Horrible. But I know it will get easier.

How is everyone else? I am at work, slowly melting. I've pretty much given up on make up, it seems to slide off after 5 minutes.

Afternoon all. Slowly melting here too. Got the paddling pool out. Which seems to cause more arguments than it's worth. But keeping kids cool.
Moving toward weekend without the kids. Saturday is busy day with few things. But the rest of the weekend is quiet. Sunday tea time soon comes round.

Hi all, I’m all packed and ready to go on my holiday early tomorrow. I’m actually excited now. I’ve got some books I’m looking forward to, and can’t wait to jump into the warm sea! I’ll be keeping up with this thread from afar and hope you all have a good week.

That’s brilliant Folk Have a lovely holiday. Looking forward to the highlights!

Hello all,

Quiet here for me, still boiling where I am and I am a bit desperate for rain.
Found out today that a couple I used to know via my ex have separated, they were my relatiomship role models and I am gutted they have split up, I only found out via FB stalking and am not in touch with them but feel sad, especially as they have kids. It's the kind of thing I'd have discussed with my ex so, although I'm nearly 2 years on from breakup, I do sympathise with those moments of wanting very much to tell x person about y. I still miss someone asking how my day was and really caring. Or just someone asking
I'm feeling a bit low tonight, I dreamed of my ex telling me they were happy with someone new which was what prompted the FB stalk, but I'm due on so reckon I'll feel myself again in a few days. Hurry up AF!

FolkGirl have a fab time on hols, me and DS are going away in a week and a bit and I am very excited! Hope everyone else has had a nice week and you are keeping cool.

Hello all:)
folk, enjoy your holidays and please keep us updated from the ‘camp’.
rhubarb, I’ve split up with my exBF about ...6 weeks ago. I’ve told some people at work, I actually work with one of my best friends who’s losing the plot and told people. So I’ve had two colleagues approaching me today and asking if I’m ok. They were shocked to hear we’re no longer together, I seemed so happy with him and nobody could tell anything was wrong with me,at all.
We’re a pretty close and very observant bunch, but apparently I did not show any upset.
I wasn’t, really, that upset. In public. Privately, I still burst into tears in the car, when I’m on my own.
That made me think. If the loneliness, the shame of being alone isn’t a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe if we reach to other people when we cry and we’re snotty and irrational and deluded, maybe, just maybe it’s better than dressing up to the nines, put the war paint on and arrange lots of social gatherings.
I’m mulling over this one.
eve, I know how you feel. My DD is at her dad’s for part of the holiday now. It’s earsplittingly quiet in my house, apart from the annoying cat. I’m keeping myself busy. Ine of us is always here if you need some company :)

hopeless, I can recommend going for a swim after work! You have some ponds in London, any of them close to you? Make up won’t matter then 😆.

Cool. Bed time for me. Hope you all have a good night.

Morning all

@FolkGirlAtHeart hope you have a lovely holiday. We need camp updates.
@8FencingWire it is such early days for you. I'm more meh about things 6 months on. But there really isn't a hurt like a broken heart.

So much for rain and storms last night. Another sunny day here. Although hopefully cooler.
Hope everyone has nice weekend.

Hello all. Just checking in. I am now in Italy with my kids. It's scorchio!! We should prob be taking in some culture but we can't seem to drag ourselves away from the pool.
To those having moments of missing exes. I try to remind myself that it's natural after someone's been an important part of your life. It's hard though. I guess we just have to keep going. I also find it's important to give yourself time to wallow a bit. I think it's all part of the 'process'.
My ex should have been here with us so I've had a few wobbly moments. However I'm pleased to have this time with my kids and to regroup a bit.
Take care all.

Hello people. I wrote a long message at lunchtime and then my PC crashed...

How is everyone on Friday evening? I’ve got a busyish weekend and been to the cinema tonight (on my own) but still feeling lonely and missing ex. Or missing having a person, to be honest.

A lot of days, particularly evenings, feel like things to be ‘got through’. I’m on my way home now and thinking, oh well by the time I get in it will be dark and a respectable time to go to bed.
I hope these feelings start to subside soon. I can’t do much else. I’m trying to let myself feel sad if that’s how I feel. I’ve had a few good cries.

another I hope you have a great time in Italy. Very exciting. I hope the wobbles decrease and the smiles increase!

8Fencibg I didn’t realise your split was so recent. These things take time, as The Smiths said. I wish there was an easy answer.

I do agree about maybe being braver with showing our vulnerabilities. If we’re walking around looking like we haven’t got a care in the world it’s difficult for others to realise we may not be feeling brilliant.

I had a terrible problem with anxiety about 18 months ago. The worst I’ve ever experienced.
I had time off work but also decided I needed to tell some close colleagues because I knew they would notice something wasn’t right.
I was quite apprehensive but they were absolutely lovely and really looked after me.

We’ve had a storm in London. It’s a lot cooler.

@anotherfail hope you are all having a lovely time and enjoying the not having to go to work/School/brownies thing.

@HopelessWithNumbers hope you enjoyed the film.

I went to see a friend for a cuppa. Her husband works nights. So she is glad of the company. But I'm mindful she is my go to eow Friday night stop. Hate it when the kids actually go so have to leave the house for a bit.

Hate the kids not being here. And miss him although that is well and truly in the past. I'm still mourning the loss of family I guess. But I'm trying to make the best of what we have. And also the opportunity of having free time. But It still sucks.

I came face to face with ow this evening. Kids left something behind so I took it out to the car. I said hello but she didn't answer. Guess she was as surprised as I was. Why she had to come for the ride I don't know. I would like to tell him not to bring her to my door. But there isn't any point. I can't stop him. And he would not think that would be the respectful thing to do. Also she would love that wouldn't she. I Kissed the kids and said have lovely weekend.

Now Home sat on my own. Hate it. But at least it is only 2 nights a fortnight.

Hope everyone has some lovely plans this weekend.

Oh no eve that must have been really difficult. My stomach lurched in sympathy when I read that. You definitely reacted in the best way.

It must be difficult to be without your children at weekends (or any time). I know a lot of you are in that position. That wasn’t something I had to deal with when my daughter was young, but I used to miss her like mad when she stayed with my mum sometimes.

@HopelessWithNumbers thank you for your kind thoughts.

It was a shock more than anything. I have no malice towards her. She has been told a pack of lies. I Feel sorry for her. Just hope she realises quicker than I did. But she is young. And will think she can change him.

eve wow! You dealt with that so well. Your dignity is tangible and so impressive. Agree with Hope, you couldn't have dealt with it any better than that. Not surprised you feel shit after it and with the kids gone though, it's bloody awful to go through.

Folkgirl and another (and eight- are you still in France?) hope the holidays go well, look forward to hearing about it

Hope your busy weekend entails some things you like doing Hope.
I agree with what you said previously about showing vulnerability, we must all be pro's at seeming absolutley fine thanks!! Like 8 says about people being surprised at her very recent breakup... Amazing what masks we've all perfected...

I've been feeling a bit Eeyore this week! Much of my time at work has been alone and very limited contact outside of that. I had a bit of s disagreement with one of the few friends I do have here which hasn't helped. On reflection I think I put up with more from the few people around me because there are so few of them!

Oh well, we'll see what next week brings...

Feels cooler here which is a relief, hoping for the storms that have been promised!

Yes it’s difficult when you can see exactly how it’s likely to play out. But obviously she wouldn’t take any notice of you. She’ll have to make her own mistake, like we all do.

MN can sometimes make the world seem full of awful men. Or perhaps it’s just the threads I read!
Is it awful to say that at the moment I can’t really deal with reading about how wonderful people’s husbands are? I mean I’m glad for them of course, but it makes me feel worse about myself.
(I realise this is bonkers- a stranger on the internet & their marriage has no bearing on my relationships!).

@HopelessWithNumbers. I also have to remember he can be very charming. And they can work out. I will be glad when I'm more meh about it all. And although I am not even thinking about me being with someone else I do think finding someone new and to have feelings for someone else would help

@EmmaGoldman1 sorry to hear you haven't been feeling so good. Don't let people treat you badly. Easy to say for me I know. Especially when it leaves you with fewer friends.

I used to a very good friend but in reflection she was a bully too just like ex. I guess now I'm older and wiser I hope I won't tolerate shitty behaviour.

I was invited out to friends for Sunday. But it is all couple. So will be giving that a miss. I don't mind if I have the kids as they give me something to do. But not completely on my own.

Busy day today. And out tonight. I'm not really one for going out out. But I need to make an effort.