The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Today has been okay but from about 3pm I started feeling a bit at a loose end and down. My DS is at his Dad's all weekend, every weekend and so I binge watched The Affair and did some work on the laptop. About 8.30pm I decided to walk to the shop because I was so bored and it was still light. I swear I was the only person in there, wandering about looking at chocolate and stocking up on reduced price cleaning products. I felt a bit stupid but it's just how it is at the moment, no point in pretending to myself or anyone else that I'm anything other than lonely.
I'm glad I made the effort to go out, I didn't have the guts to go in to a pub, not sure I'd want to tbh. I wish bookshops stayed open late and people hung out there with their laptops, drinking non alcoholic beverages and talking to strangers. I wish the world was set up differently and we weren't all partitioned up in our houses and our family groups away from the wider community.

Hi sally & Cat
Welcome. It’s amazing how many of us there are in the same boat.

I have very few female friends and I don’t know how that’s happened....I think maybe I drop people when I’m in a relationship. I do tend to over-invest in boyfriends / partners.

One of my intentions over the next 6 months is to give that side of things a rest and maybe try to make new / rekindle old friendships.

Hi Rhubarb Sorry to hear it ended up a bit rubbish. I also went to the shop and bought a ton of chocolate. And now I feel disgusting and hate myself for it (I am very overweight).

I live in London and the Waterstones in Piccadilly stays open until 10. I quite often go to bookshop events on my own but rarely talk to anyone.

It would be nice to have a ‘local’ that I could comfortably go in on my own. I can’t imagine that happening around here though.

I think if people at work saw my posts they would be amazed. I think I’m seen as very outgoing and sociable. I do talk about things that I’ve done, but neglect to mention that I’ve done them alone.

Hopeless that’s a really good idea and I would like to do the same. I love my own company but every night and every weekend is a bit much and I don’t want to end up just spending time with men for the sake of it. I’m planning to go away on my own at some point this year or early next.

Have you looked on the meetup website to see if there is anything local to you? Although I’ve found with similar things in the past that I never quite form real friendships from them ... just acquaintances you speak to there.

Cat I've found exactly the same with meetup. I'm not sure why that is, do you have any insight on why it stays at a sort of aquaintencey level? I see other meetup attendees having the same thing happen so it's not just me.

Hope I used to live in London and I once went to Waterstones Picadilly at night, it was great. But yes, no talking to people really. I'm envious of countries who have that cafe style culture where people sit outside late just chatting and watching the world go by.

I wonder if it’s because it’s a forced situation rather than meeting at school/uni/work ...

Yes I think it could be the ‘forced’ nature of Meet Up.
I did meet some great people at one thing I went to and was friends with some for quite a while. But then one turned into a boyfriend and when that fizzled out I didn’t stay in contact with anyone else.

It’s definitely a trait of mine, putting men before friendships.

I think we don’t have the cafe culture because of the weather. But now we do have the weather!

Oh no, wish I hadn’t read this thread. I’ve been kidding myself that I’m not lonely and that I’m too busy and I chose to be alone a lot but I have all the same feelings and behaviours as the rest of you.

I'm also guilty of putting boyfriends ahead of everything else and I've sworn a few times I'd never do that again! Tsk.

Yes, perhaps it is the forced nature of meetups that means it never gels, because it isn't happening organically. I think I've started to think of meetup as a kind of online dating for friends, when I actually don't like OD precisely because I believe you can't make yourself fall in love with someone who also loves you back, it's such a lucky thing I'm not sure you can engineer it, it happens or it doesn't. Maybe friendship, although platonic, is the same.
Not knocking online dating by the way, I know a lot of people love it. I just don't think it's for me.

I went to a Meetup group today. Met some very nice genuine people, but walked away after, probably never seeing them again.

I went into central London, I never feel lonely there, I get too caught up in the buzz.

I am lonely, and I feel lonely, but I work FT, and wonder how you actually fit a social life in (I’m getting on a bit) when you have other commitments.

I’ve recently finished a relationship, which just wasn’t working, and I miss being able to say “do you fancy doing that today/tomorrow/tonight”,being single means the spontaneity isn’t there, you have to pre plan everything.

That wouldn’t send me back into a wrong relationship though, not in a million years

I have wonderful children and friends and need time alone but still feel very lonely and anxious much of the time. Others assume I'm always occupied and having a great life. Not true!

Good morning!
Sorry, I’m not quite awake yet, but hello and welcome to all the newcomers!

Before I forget: eve, I’m ‘dangerously’ close to Hampshire and I love courgettes and salads 😂. So I might invite myself to your allotment one afternoon for a cup of tea :)
I actually quite fancy some stuffed courgettes. With cous cous and mint.

I’m in bed with my coffee.
I nearly drove to the shops last night to get some...compost. I need to pot some cut offs.

Does anybody know anything aboit house plants? I have a hallway with a couple of bookshelves. I’ve culled most of my books when mu exBF moved in to make space for his. I’m not regretting this, but now I have stuff for about 1/3 of the bookshelves. So I thought I could put a plant or two. I’ve got an ivy that needs potting that will go on top, and I thought maybe a fern?i don’t know why, but I always kill ferns, which is a shame, as I absolutely love them. I’m not as bad as my DD though, she kills cactae 😂.

I’m going to work in an hour’s time, I’m on an early (extra shift).

One other decision I took was to finally start doing Parkrun. When I moved here I was all excited, I’ve got a park 100m from my house. I joined on the website. Did I actually go, at least once? Nope!
I will next Saturday.

Last night I watched a movie on Netflix: Copenhagen (2014 movie, there are others with the same title). I’ve been to Copenhagen, I loved it, so it was exciting to see all the places I’ve visited before. But it also was a really damn good movie (It’s got 93% on rotten tomatoes :). Ot’s about a 28 yo twat and a 14 yo Danish girl, the plot is plausible and it’s not cringeable at all. It’s perfect for a lonely night in.

Whilst I was watching it, I wanted to talk to my exBF about it, he would have loved it. So it wasn’t all easy.
But I didn’t text him. So it’s all good. This coming weekend the rest of his stuff is going. And then I redecorate.

:)

What kind of Meetup groups do people go to? There’s not much in my area other than general ‘beer and banter’ or ‘ x area social’ etc. I was hoping to discover a new hobby through a group as I think a shared interest is better to develop connections but there aren’t really any (except for techie stuff but that’s not my scene). I don’t see the point in going to the pub with 20 people i don’t know. I think I would prefer a more planned activity.

I’ve started to struggle with emotional eating and boredom eating. I’m trying to lose weight as I want to feel more confident and start dating after my divorce but I don’t seem to be able to stay away from crisps etc. It’s savoury for me, I could happily live without chocolate. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been (15 stone - there I said it ) Wine doesn’t help either. When STBXH left me I lost my way with food. First I couldn’t eat at all, then I didn’t see the point in just cooking for me so ate pizza, ready meals. I’m a decent cook and really enjoy cooking but there are a lot of memories connected with cooking on a Saturday night with a glass of something nice in the kitchen, chatting with him etc. so I avoided it for a long time. I must start again though as I’m not doing myself any favours with my current eating style!

8Fencing I’m in bed with coffee too - one of my favourite things to do on a Sunday morning. Hope work is not too bothersome today.

Well done for not texting ex!

I don’t know much about house plants. I have a couple of Japanese peace lilies - they are indestructible. Ferns are much more on trend though with the whole Scandi look.

There are colossal amounts of meetup groups in and around London. The one I went to was group therapy. I like psychology, and the study of human behaviour, so it interests me.

I am a member of 25,000 (last count) groups, and I’ve only been 3 times

The way I see them is that if they are doing something, or going somewhere you want to go, then it gives you the motivation to go. But if it’s just sitting round a table in a pub (my worst nightmare) making small talk, it’s not for me.

One of the groups I’m in do an awful lot of stuff, go to very interesting places/walks, so I find that quite motivating, as some of the members are proper guides.

I do think though, you should join to do things rather than make friends, if you do make friends that’s a bonus. Go with no expectations other than enjoy the walk/craft/hobby etc, that’s what I do so I don’t get disappointed

Hi 8 ☺ I've got a feeling you're a nurse as well? And did you get a shared ownership place? Hope it's going well, I've been really happy with my house although it costs me a lot more it's worth it.

Interesting that a few of you mention prioritising boyfriends over friends and then losing the friends. I've been on the receiving end of that a few times, I would say that it's worth trying to rekindle old friendships. I was always pleased to hear from old friends and I understand that new relationships are quite time consuming (at least to start with!)

This wend has been okay as Ystd was busy with various things and we (dd and i) went out last night to a band and bbq thing. I was with a group of friends and was the only single one but it was fine, dd struggled more as didn't have a friend with her to chat with.

Am missing male company atm, I think I could do with a fwb type set up, not sure I could cope with a full on relationship but the occasional meet up when I'm in the right mood would be nice 😅

Namechanger I’m in the south west so it’s cultural no man’s land - I’m not even close to Bristol 😁

Morning all

Another sunny day. Kids and I are off out.

I think the trick is to make friends with single people. Not always easy but at least they understand now isolating it can be. I have three single Mum friends and they have been a god send. My usual friends have been very good but don't get how lonely it can be. And with my single Mum friend we will check in on each other every now and then.

I'm always looking to meet new people if anyone wants to meet a random off the internet. I'm rather normal and boring.

I don't want another relationship right now. Although early days I guess. Sometimes I say dream about someone who respects me and treats me and kids right. But hear so many sad stories in mn. I think I am looking for a needle in a hay stack. I just feel if ex can walk away from me. His kids and Home. Then why would anyone else want me. He had every reason to stay and make us work. 😪

Morning all, loads of messages!

I've finished the job application - hurray! Now I've got actual work to do which is very annoying.

I agree that Meet Up works best if it's an activity you genuinely would want to do anyway (or something new you'd like to try out). I used to belong to a music one - we would go to concerts of music of a particular genre. The Meet Up group was a good way of finding out about concerts and also it was nice to chat to people before and after. I never made any actual friends though! It seems to be much easier when you're younger.

I haven't heard of Copenhagen (the film!) 8Fencing I might give it a whirl. I haven't been to the city either. It's one of the places on my list.

My anxiety is quite high today. I've been taking a lot of beta blockers over the last week. (Not more than the prescribed dose!). It's partly a workload thing - too much to do and not enough time. But also this Tuesday I was supposed to be going somewhere with my ex that we both wanted to go to and were looking forward to. Part of me is wondering if he will perhaps contact me and ask if I still want to go. I absolutely know he won't really, but I will be glad when it is Wednesday so it can be hopefully forgotten about.

What is everyone else up to today? I know I should get this work done before I think about doing anything vaguely nice - but my motivation is slipping away...……...

Folk I hear you about the eating. (See last night's chocolate binge). It's always been a problem for me but I feel too big at the moment and really want to do something.
I can go for days feeling really healthy and in control and then something happens (usually emotional) and I have a huge binge and can't get back on track. Awful really. It makes me feel ashamed but I don't know how to stop it.
Last night I was sitting in front of the laptop watching something and in my head was a dialogue (like having an angel and a devil) about whether I should go to the shop or not. It's rare that I don't give in to it.

Any tips or similar issues anyone?

Morning all,

Ah, see with meetups all I have been doing is sitting round a table in a pub (or a barbequeue on the beach) making small talk, so maybe that's why it's not floating my boat. No pun intended. Folk I am also in the South West, pretty far down though. Know what you mean about a cultural no man's land

Single mum friends are like gold dust, I would love some. There are nice single people my age at meetup but they are doing things like going travelling round south america soon, because they are childless and in completely different places to me in life even though we are the same age. Or they will be much older, married with teens. Or older, with no kids and loads of disposable income and spending ages the the gym because their husband works. Or single, younger and dating casually and living in a house share and getting stoned. I have nothing in common with any of them! And they are all lovely people, I just don't click with them much.

Emotional eating is a strugge for me too. It helps to just acknowledge when I'm doing it and kind of watch it with compassion, that's a start. I notice I eat when I am bored and lonely, like a kind of hobby. Sometimes planning what dinner and pudding I will have is the highight of my day, which is a warning sign that there isn't much else filling my head to look forward to. So distraction works best for me, if I am not actually hungry. (In the week before my period though I am just insatiably hungry, like being pregnant. It's madness. There's not much I can do about that... )

Oh, and plans for today - like you Hope I've got a lot I should be doing workwise, I'm going to try and break it down into managable sections and have a breather often. I really don't like Sunday's, though. Can't wait to get DS back tonight.

Morning all,

Re the Meet Up convo. I 'forced' myself to go to a beach BBQ get together with a load of Meet Up strangers last night. It was hard. I felt as it many of the people were already friends and I felt so self conscious. I ended up getting into a little group and it was ok. But totally superficial chit chat. No one I connected with - they were mostly older than me. In my area there seems to be little for 40's age group. The alternative would have been sitting at home, seeking oblivion in wine and trying not to call my ex or bothering other people who are no doubt having fun on a Sat night and don't want to hear me whingeing.

I will keep trying though as I need to fill the serious gaps left by the end of my relationship and I definitely don't want to get into dating again. So not in the right place and need to get over ex BF and sort myself out.

No tips on emotional eating, sorry. My problem isn't food, it's alcohol. I have slipped into very frequent drinking and it worries me. I know it is a depressant so it's making everything worse and my sleep is terrible. So I drove to the beach last night and I'm going to try to not drink at home. I do however identify with the self loathing after I cave in and I that is a horrible feeling.

I'm off on hols with my kids on Tuesday and I seriously need to buck up and not ruin it.

I’m spending the day having a clear out. Am trying to stay off my phone but it’s proving more difficult than I thought.

Had gone to visit an ‘old flame’ on Wednesday who had recently gone through a break up and messaged him today and he’s told me how rubbish he’s feeling and he’s struggling with the break up. Don’t know if it was just lines to make sure I knew he didn’t want to see me again but I don’t think so. I’m so so sad for him and actually really worried. It’s so easy to forget that men can go through this as well. I’ve told him to message me any time he is struggling if he can’t speak to family or friends about it and have actually had a little cry about it xx

Im very frustrated with myself today. I actually had plans to go out with my DN and her DP then see my DM.
I've bailed!!
Somehow I just can't face it.
Frustrated because it feels like self sabotage and I just don't understand myself!
WTF is wrong with me?! I'm never going to get anywhere like this...
and I end up being seen as unreliable so I'm less likely to get asked again.
Honestly, I despair at my messed up psyche! It's like some strange type of Stockholm syndrome with the loneliness! It's not the first time I've done this....
Sorry for the rant, just had to get it out. I hope someone understands.
Sorry to be all about me, I'm having a moment!
Love to all