The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Thanks another and 8Fencing earlier on.
Feeling awful but carrying on with life....as you do.
I keep thinking about all the ‘could have dones’. Could have gone there, could have seen that etc etc. And I know I can do them on my own, I probably will, but I know he would have liked them and we would have enjoyed them together.
Urgh!

Also he owes me some money. It’s supposed to be paid back on Friday. I can survive without it but it would make life a lot easier if he paid it back. I really hope he has the decency to do so.

I am wallowing, I know that. Sorry everyone. I know we all have our difficulties.

Thanks for the support.

Sorry everyone. Self pity is never an attractive trait. Pulled myself together a bit now.

Actually, hopeless, I wouldn’t apologise. It’s perfectly normal to express your feelings and recognise they’re not pleasant. So what? Who says we have to be on the ball, a joy to be around, self assured etc all the time?
Take time to look at how you feel, it’s fine. If you don’t like them, imagine they’re clouds, they slowly get taken by the wind or they stay a while, but underneath it’s always a blue sky, you just have to let the clouds pass.
I’ve turned into a mindfulness nutjob. But it works. Be kind to yourself 💐

I don't know if this helps anyone or not, it seemed to really help me though, but maybe it's just my "thing" that helped me connect or something.

I started going to Reiki because I thought I needed something for just me. Anyway she's a really nice woman whose also a life coach and when I told her about some things that have gone on with me recently, she said "everyone can only do thier best in that moment". It sounds really silly now but it made me realise the what it's and could have' s don't matter because at the time I was doing the best I could.

Loneliness is awful and terrible and it tends to get worse the moment you've "realised" you're lonely.

I've started to go to the gym again and I'm desperately trying to ditch my phone because I think it's evil it's basically the cause of my anxiety. I have found these boards really helpful aswell!

Also hanging onto the little moments that are nice in the day help aswell.

Hope you're all doing ok xx

Hello everyone

A bit late to the party but could I join?

Separated last November, ex move out to live with his g/f in January. Also find it difficult when the kids are away - the week after next they will be with him a whole week and I’m dreading it. And at times, like tonight, I feel that overwhelming loneliness. I don’t have any family near, do have some good friends but they have their own lives. What I’ve realised recently is that I basically rely on work for a lot of my social interaction, which isn’t great!

My eldest who is 6 is finding things difficult, his therapist told me that one of the things he is worried about is who would look after me if I wasn’t really ill. And honestly I don’t really have an answer.

I look ahead and sometimes feel a deep fear.

Shitwithsugaron. Well done for getting through today. It was a very noble thing you have done and you can be proud you put your daughter first and gave her the day out she deserved.

Also on the positive side it reinforced what a dick your ex is. And although hard now. You know you are better off without him.

Hope your weekend goes smoothly. Be kind to yourself and wallow if you need too. It is early days for me. Ex has had the kids for four weekends so far brought the kids back early x 3. But it does get easier. I don't like it any less but I plan my time. And volunteer and Sunday soon comes round. You are doing great.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

No camp updates today???

horses, thank you :) I know nothing about reiki apart from the fact it’s japanese.
crumpets, fancy a trip to Hamble? I’m in the same boat as you during that week. Cheese and wine evening, that sounds very very nice!!!
eve, we haven’t spent much time in the camp today, we had a shopping day. Came back exhausted and just napped. In between banning DD’s phone for the evening for tantruming. It leaves me feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus. But we did have a lovely sunset, it’s still warm and people are sitting in front of their houses chatting quietly with lit candles on the tables and drinks and nibbles. It’s quite peaceful :)

News from the camp: my neighbours are leaving, the adults with learning disabilities one.
The coffee maker in my house needs a 4 cup paper filter, it’s huge. So we went and bought a box. We are leaving soon, so I took the box to my ‘neighbours’ and asked if they would like it, mine at home is for 2 cups.
She smiled and came with a box of coffee filters for two: apparently they couldn’t find the shop that sells 4 cup filters, they bought that one, used it as best as they could and were going to see if anybody back home could use it. So we did a fair swap, it was very sweet :)

And I made one of their’s residents’ day by saying hello to her, she’s nonverbal but she was so happy! Simple things.

My mind was at rest in the past two days. This is when my holiday should have started 😂.
It helped I could go swimming every morning then dry in the sun, then going to the beach, swimming in the sea and then having a late afternoon nap on the beach. Or at home.
I’s been good. I’m grateful.
What are you guys up to today?

I've been using a week's annual leave to help a family member move house. Sad thing is that keeping myself busy like this is staving off the loneliness and I'm dreading going home tonight!
There's maybe an opportunity for me to travel to see my nephew for a few days at the end of next week. Again, I'm grateful but just wish I had the opportunity to do things I like/want when I want to do them...
sometimes I alternate between feeling like a charity case and an 'on call helper' because I have nothing else going on!
I can relate to the 'Disney dad' thing. All I can say is that at 22, my DS now sees things how they are and appreciates who was there for him growing up.
I admire those of you newly out of relationships who are trying to get out there and build a life. I think that's where I went wrong. I shut myself away to lick my wounds and whilst I dealt with the issues I had to do with the relationship, I let everything else go and find myself years later bereft at my lack of life.
It's good to hear from others here and know I'm not alone.
Hope you're doing ok today

Hi all, I’m back from my school trip and am catching up with this thread. Very interesting discussions and I’m loving the campsite updates

I found things hard yesterday. At the end of the trip (I volunteer for it every year as I love all the activities) there is a big BBQ as a thank you. Everyone brings their families and I had to work hard all evening to not get jealous (and miserably failed) - I was the only one without family or at least a partner.

I still don’t know whether it’s a blessing that I lost the baby. I was pregnant when STBXH left. I didn’t know I was pregnant, I didn’t look after myself. Didn’t eat, drank too much in the time after i discovered OW and he left. I feel I killed my baby. People keep telling me that it’s the best possible outcome but I’m not so sure. Then on the way back from the BBQ in the car I remembered a bit of poetry that STBXH loved and the floodgates just opened. I’m feeling pathetic to still miss him at times, even after two years. I’m mostly content with my life but with the summer hols in front of me, I’m a little scared. I’ve working hard to look forward to my holiday.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump of this here .

Hello everyone. Your holiday sounds lovely 8Fencing Great to be able to do so much swimming.

I'm feeling a little bit better today but my anxiety is terrible. Every time there is a hint of anything going wrong I get in to a panic.

As usual I'm dreading the weekend, however I have made some positive steps...it's my book group tomorrow which I always enjoy, I've arranged to go to stay with my brother & SIL for a week in September, they live in a nice part of the country near the sea. I also have an old friend near there so hoping I can see her too. (I've asked her - I over came the HoI )
I've made a list of places I would like to visit over the next year - some nearby and others further a field. I'll see how many I can tick off.

I think my next task will be to find some voluntary work I can do. And (!) I've got to finish a job application over the weekend.

I hope everyone else is ok and not dreading the weekend too much. Perhaps you're looking forward to it! If so, what are you doing?

Hi Hopeless, this all sounds like very positive steps. Do you get help for your anxiety?

I like the idea of a ‘places I like to visit’ list. I might start one!

Thanks Folk Are you back from your trip yet?

I have had a lot of therapy and it has helped a lot, but I don't believe it will ever completely go. It sort of 'flares' up and tends to be around relationships. I'm confident that once I have started to feel more together about my recent ex it will start to subside.

emma, you matter and you’re not there just as ‘helper on hand’. When I’m on my knees I’d give my right arm for someone like you, that can come and give a hand. So! Hope you enjoyed your time, did it give yiu any redecorating ideas?

Folk, I stopped breathing when I read your post. You haven’t killed your baby, it happens, it was a tragic situation, but you haven’t killed your baby. And I’m sorry you felt that way at the BBQ and on the way back. Don’t think you miss him, it’s just the grief, you’ve got a lot of love to give and you’re already doing something about it being in the camp with the kids. One day at a time 💐

hopeless, what book do you have this month? I joined a book club as well, I’ve ordered the book, I’m quite excited. Never been in one, no idea about the etiquette, how much you’re supposed to remember etc. I’ll come to you for advice after my fist one

I am sitting in the sun, it’s a bit nippy, the wind is quite chilly. We’re going back tomorrow, so no more camp updates...till the end of August when I can regal you with .... stories of my mother. You’ll need stiff drinks for those ones.
So, who’s next to give updates?

Thank you, 8Fencing. That means a lot to hear. I work very hard to not let the ‘I killed my baby’ thoughts take over. I think you are right. I mostly miss the feeling of caring for someone and of loving someone, but I do suspect that, if I’m completely honest to myself, it’s him too. Still. Logically I know he’s been an absolute dickhead but I need the feelings to catch up now so that I can move on. I hope the divorce, when it’s complete, will give me some closure.

Hopeless, yes I’m back. First night in my own bed again tonight. I’m looking forward to that, and the fact that I don’t have to work tomorrow. I feel a lie in and coffee in bed coming my way! Currently having a glass (or two) of wine.

Folk I'm so sorry, I somehow missed your post before your one to me. Sending you many good wishes. 8Fencing is absolutely right. You didn't kill your baby, it is a horrible thing that happens and I am very sorry to read it.

On a lighter note - hurray for not working!

Folk I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It was absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It is just one of those things. I can't imagine how upsetting the whole being a family must be for you. Be kind to yourself. Your time will come.

Sorry now I have forgotten what everyone else has said. Emma? good you kept yourself busy helping others. I found in the early days it really helped me to do something for someone who was also struggling. I now volunteer at the night shelter eow. When the kids are with their dad. It is very humbling and helps me appreciate my situation. Hope you can find something you want to do. I know it's a cliche but maybe a class or volunteering.

8fencing. Sounds like your next holiday will have its challenges. Be armed with gin

My eldest is back from his school residential. So bloody proud of him. I have been having daily calls form School as he has really struggled with his dad leaving and end of school stuff. So wasn't expecting him to stick out the week. Now got to get him ready for 8 day scout camp next week.

Just got to get through his leaves assembly tomorrow and we are all done for the school year.

Hope everyone is having a chilled out evening. And looking forward to the school break.

Thanks, everyone.

FolkGirl I'm so sorry for your loss. That's so much to go through all at once, you should have a medal for getting through as well as you have. Grief's complicated and incredibly difficult and that's so much all mixed up together. I'll echo the wise words of the others here and say that you did not kill the baby. It was a devastating thing that happened at a horrendous time in your life. You are in no way responsible. I hope you're able to be kind to yourself, you've been through so much.
Hope you had a lovely lie in and enjoyed the comfort of your own bed

Hope Brilliant news about you overcoming the HoI! Very encouraging for all of us I'd say. I'm loving your goal focussed approach- it's very inspiring
I can really relate to the anxiety stuff and feeling it flare up at anything during a bad spell. At times like that I have to work really hard at contradicting my 'automatic fear' thoughts. It's like I get into a high alert state then everything feels scary. Hope the flare up calms a bit soon.

8 thank you for your kind words. Lovely to come here and read them. Yes, funnily enough, I do have a few ideas and a load of crap I don't need from IKEA
Hope your journey home was ok, I ended up traveling home this morning and the roads were very busy 😬 Looking forward to hearing updates from your next (albeit very different) adventure!

Thank you eve
I do some charity work and recently set myself a challenge to attend a 10 week course (huge great big deal for me!) I did meet some interesting people and there's a possibility of some voluntary work coming up. So thank you for the reminder, I'm now allowing myself to be proud of my recent achievements
Hope the leavers assembly went well. They always made me cry!

I'm actually glad to be at home for once after my travels which is a nice feeling. I'm also feeling more positive than usual about the weekend- I have an invite to the beach from my niece and her DP and am also going to spend some time with my mum.
It's doing me good to notice that things do change and happen, even if they're small. That way I can feel a bit less stuck...

Hope everyone's doing ok

Emotional leavers assembly. But finally the end of school. We have been counting down for the last 12 weeks.

Bring on the summer holidays.

Thanks Anotherfail. I decided I’m going to join a local excercise group - it will do me good mentally physically and socially. I am quite easy to get along with and friendly but I don’t trust easily. As I said I’m better with women and I will look to expanding my social network.
I’m trying to clear the house and will do some of that this weekend.
I’m aware I need to reach out to others more so will go out and visit an elderly friend on Saturday otherwise I will be alone all weekend.

Morning all.

Mary I think I’m going to try to prioritise my female friendships. I need a break from relationships with men. I hope your weekend goes well.

Thanks for your supportive words Emma. Unfortunately, overcoming the HoI didn’t pay off
I asked my friend if I could visit and she said no she was away that week! I then had an internal struggle with my thoughts (was my friend just saying that because she didn’t want to see me?) but I know that’s more about my low self esteem than anything based in reality.

I have found some voluntary work that I am really interested in doing so I need to apply. I’m reading the Action on Happiness book (10 Keys to Happier Living by Vanessa King- 99p on Kindle!) and the first chapter is all about giving to others and the connection to happiness. I definitely think that applies to me. It talks about just doing small acts which help others and how good that can make you feel. I have certainly experienced that.

I hope everyone’s weekend is ok. I am feeling much calmer about this one for some reason.
My ex paid me back the money he owed me, (without me asking - I had decided if he didn’t I would just let it go rather than have to make contact).
BUT I have been wrestling with whether I ought to email him to say thank you. The ‘nice, polite’ me thinks I should. The ‘thinking about myself’ me thinks I need to stay away and not be in contact. He’s been unkind to me recently and I need to try to put that relationship behind me now.

‘Claws’ I am looking for permission from you all to be impolite

Morning!
DO NOT say thank you!!!!
I don’t think you should. I’ll elaborate and be less blunt once the coffee kicks in 😂