A very early good morning from the campsite! I could’t sleep anymore (it’s hot) but I saw the most amazing sunrise, it’s going to be another scorcher here. I love good weathe, everything seems better :)
The camp is deserted, as it should be, at stupid o’clock in the morning. Apart from magpies, there’s lots of them, and quite huge!
I took DD to the beach yesterday, shock and horror, there is no wifi on the beach, she HAD to talk to me. And you know what, we loved it. She opened up, I’ve realised I’ve raised a feminist with a good head on her shoulders. I knew about her dry sense of humour since she was about 7 months old, but she had me in stitches. She’s got a good grasp of politics and has good social awareness. She’s the quiet, laid back type, the mulling sort, but she’s got a lot of confidence. I really like her. Which is just as well. But we haven’t had time just the two of us (for a longer stretch) for ages. She felt abandoned in the favour of my exBF, but is not bitter about it, in her words: ‘you needed a bit of happiness, mum, you looked so happy’. She can’t quite believe how quickly I got ‘over’ exBF though, apparently I’m ‘not like other people, but then, you’ve always been a bit weird and tough’. 😂
Hope it doesn’t come across as nauseating and gushy. It’s a genuine observation, she hasn’t said much lately, apart from stropping and sitting me down to explain in all seriousness that I’m being weird for expecting her to open up to me, teenagers don’t talk to their parents, they talk to their friends. And can she dye her hair 🙄😂🤣🤣.
NO!
I’ll make this a regular yearly event. We’ve been coming here, to this campsite, since she was born. She was saying how weirdly familiar it all is, it’s like being at home. We needed this holiday.
ratbag, you didn’t snip the thread, in fact, we should cerebrate the fact that you did something positive, like going out for a chat and a beer! How was it? And is it going anywhere with this bloke? You won’t try and fix him, will you?
eightfaces, how was the bike ride? I miss my bike, here everybody cycles. I’ve got this old iron horse that I adore, I can cycle for ages on flat roads, but it’s not meant for country side. I cycle everywhere. Not sure why we have a car, I’ve got panniers 😂
The book I’m reading is about discovering and healing the inner child. Sounds airy fairy, I know. But it makes sense to me.
I grew up in fear. I was conditioned to please, otherwise there was hell to pay. I was taken down a whole basket of pegs, not just one or two. I was shamed constantly. I don’t have the impostor syndrome, I don’t think, I’ve proved to myself I am genuinely a good person, trustworthy, intelligent etc. I made pace with that. I know my worth. But I still have this abhorrent fear of being shamed. I reclon that’s why I come across as strong and self assured, that’s why I struggle with showing vulnerability. So I don’t get shamed, it’s so so painful when you get shamed!
I made the mistake of showing vulnerability to my exBF. I figured if he’s in the same boat, he’ll understand. I was careful to protect him and build his confidence and trust in me first. Then I opened up, asking for a safe place to be myself and heal my wounds. Boy, did that backfire! Not malitiously, but he was childish and selfish and sat there looking at me and said he can’t give me what I need.
No idea why.
Don’t think he knows either. One of a sudden it wasn’t all about him anymore, perhaps. Dunno.
I wrote too much. But I’ll come back, I find this cathartic.