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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Claw....a thread about loneliness

880 replies

HopelessWithNumbers · 08/07/2018 18:54

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
anotherfail · 15/07/2018 01:06

EmmaGoldman1

I think you have a very valid point re people who are more reflective/deeper thinkers. It's been 3 years since my exH and I split, 2 since we divorced. I consider it a blink of an eye in some respects, and yet there are other Mum's at school who left DHs around the same time, found new partners and had new DCs with them. I find myself boggled by how that actually could be possible?

I've had a relationship and I cared about him very much and know it will take me time to get over that too.

Maybe some of us are just wired differently?

FolkGirlAtHeart · 15/07/2018 05:45

Just catching up with all the posts so am a little behind in the discussion.

I find it really interesting what people say about relationships. My STBX left 2 years ago, and really went for the kill just beforehand. If I had been different, he wouldn’t have to go. If I had looked differently, he would have had to cheat. He told me to change and maybe he would stay. As a result, I don’t think I’m good enough for a new relationship although I do crave one. I don’t think I’m slim, beautiful, interesting, exciting enough and don’t believe that anyone would want to date me. Plus I’ve never dated before so it scares me. When I try to look into the future in terms of relationships I can’t seem to be able picture myself with a new partner, it’s just a nothingness, whilst I can see my future in terms of work etc. At the same time, I am scared not to have children, so I know I need to sort myself out quickly. It’s a weird limbo.

another I too have a friend who moved on quickly - 2 months after an 8 year marriage. She doesn’t understand why I’m still single, and I can’t fit the life me figure out how she detached so quickly. I couldn’t have done it that quickly - I noone would have wanted me anyways. Despite everything I did love my husband very much (and probably still have feelings for him) and marriage was a big thing for me, and it takes me a lot of time to process it.

On my school trip, it’s gorge scrambling this morning and a relaxing kayak tour this afternoon. Looking forward to it.

eve34 · 15/07/2018 07:25

Morning folk girl. I feel your pain. I am 14 years older than when I met ex. Wider and going grey. My son has asd. My daughter is probably too. They both are very demanding. If their dad can leave. Who the fuck else would want me/us. I had counselling but it just went round in circles. I don't believe in myself. Or I'm worth it.
So how do we go about changing that?

I know I need to start eating better and lose some weight and get a bit more active. The only time I have free is my eow. So time to be more positive.
Any other suggestion are very welcome.

8FencingWire · 15/07/2018 07:33

Morning from the sunny campsite everyone!
The kids are out, already playing football. The fresh pastry delivery has been. The sun is out. I did not hear the new baby at all last night (to my left they have a newborn, no more than a month). So, it’s 3 men, 2 women, a newborn and 2 dogs. They all take turns with the baby, who is just gorgeous. Yesterday the baby was particularly unhappy for a few hours. So the mum picked him up and the dad looked so helpless! He approached her a few times, kissed the baby, walked away a few steps, came back. Earlier he tried to pick the baby from her and the baby screamed even louder 😂. I remember those months well. It was torture.

The water here is very soft. I can see myself in the patio window, even without glasses I can see I am sporting an afro. Or an’oops, I’ve plugged my fingers in the socket’. Fabulous, darling.

Folk, that’s the bit my exH can’t figure out either. We were together 20 years. It was an unhappy marriage, the last 5-6 years were particularly bad. I checked out of that marriage long before in desintegrated. I stopped trying, I just got my ducks in a row. So when I met my exBF, it was like I’ve been single for years. I’d done all the processing, I made my peace, I was out. So maybe others are in the same position? I don’t know.

It took me very little time to get over the exBF. Not that I wasn’t invested in the relationship. Not that it didn’t cut deep. I had so much fun with him, I was carefree, for the first time since I can remember I laughed every day, proper belly laughs, my DD found it spooky just how similar we are. We liked the same things. I had met someone who cared that the coffee mugs matched. Who liked the same things as me. It felt so natural.
But I had the wisdom, and so did he, to recognize our limitations. I would have liked to have tried for a bit longer. But his actions spoke louder that words. It was time. I cried after about a week. Proper sobs. Then I let him go.

Relationship take time and effort. You give a lot of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Yes, next time I’ll be more guarded. I won’t let him move in with me till my DD leaves home. Hopefully I’ll know how to reinforce my boundaries in a better way. I won’ feel guilty carving time for myself.
Perhaps men need to feel needed and looked after. Perhaps they’re not all menchildren and cocklodgers. But I won’t do it for free. I won’t be the one who works full time, who pays her share when it was his invite. I’ll never clean after a man again, I won’t do the wifework expecting nothing in return.
I am in my 40s but I’m quite striking, I’m not invisible yet. I can hold a good conversation at a dinner table, I have a sense of humour. I have lots of interesting stories to tell and I love a good story. I just have a terrible taste in men 😂. For now. The next one is going to own a cardigan 🤣🤣🤣

EmmaGoldman1 · 15/07/2018 07:45

Just reading about self esteem and I rembered this hypnosis cd I used to have:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1901923266/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

It really helped when I listened to it every night (would go to sleep to it)
I think it might be time to dig it out again...

Ratbagcatbag · 15/07/2018 08:27

Morning all.

Gaming was fun last night, but still felt a bit like I was just doing it to fill a whole. I feel a bit meh. I think I just want to matter to someone.

I spend lots of time messaging people and getting into conversations, but I do wonder what would happen if I didn't initiate a conversation at all, maybe I'd go a whole day with no one texting me. Who knows. I don't think I'm brave enough to find out.

I find it interesting what a pp said (apologies, name checking isn't working this morning), about people respond with how you are with them. I agree with that, and I'm the sort of person that's extrovert, makes people laugh, smile lots etc and people respond to that, but I'm still lonely, and I feel in someways I can't say I'm feeling sad or lonely because actually that isn't how I am usually and I worry they won't want to know me if I'm not my usual cheery self. Gah.

Lovemusic33 · 15/07/2018 08:36

Morning everyone. Struggling a bit this weekend, first weekend in a while I have been on my own. I’m child free today and I have nowhere to go and no one to see. Trying to think of somewhere to go or I will end up sat at home all day.

I am seeing/dating someone but it’s all very new and he works weekends, would love to find someone to spend my child free days with (sometimes I can find someone but other weeks I’m on my own).

8FencingWire · 15/07/2018 08:55

Update from the campsite: my neighbours have matching gowns: bright pink velour. I can’t tell you what they had for brekkie cause they ate inside. The child is still asleep.

illadmitit · 15/07/2018 09:07

Hi all. Yes, I feel lonely too but in a relationship. I don't work, not since the dc. Totally supported by partner financially. But in a rut as unhappy at the moment and feel very alone. Was going to post late last night but bottled out. I have no friends and could easily go all day with no contact with anyone until dp comes home. My relationship has changed and I don't think I matter so much to him anymore which has spurred me to keep noticing his rudeness and arrogance to such an extent that I wonder what an earth I was ever thinking. Could just be me taking things to heart but not sure. But from the outside I think people think I am a very happy person too. I spend my days at home but still have lots to do atm but yes, to go out would be a chore alone but wonder if I should somehow start making the effort. But doesn't appeal really as quite an anxious person. But little steps. What a mess I have got myself into, kicking myself for letting my life slide like this.

HopelessWithNumbers · 15/07/2018 09:39

Morning everyone.
Hello admit Sorry that your relationship isn’t giving you what you need. I think small steps are essential to begin with, otherwise we risk things not going as well as planned and then just giving up and feeling a failure. A vicious circle. (Took me a few goes to spell ‘vicious’ there Grin )

Yesterday turned out to be a bit difficult for me. A long conversation with my recent ex, which needed to be had, left me drained and feeling very sad.

Today I’m going to try to be more positive and do things! Use my timetable!

Self esteem is such a huge issue for me. I’ve had years of therapy (not going at the moment) which helped with many issues but I still have this underlying ‘I’m a bit shit’ feeling.

I’ve found a job that I want to apply for. Similar to what I do now but a step up. I’m having a real internal struggle about it. Half of me thinks ‘what’s the point of applying, I won’t get it anyway’.
I will apply. But what often happens is that I sabotage things by leaving them to the last minute and then not doing them very well.

8Fencing very much enjoying your campsite updates.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 15/07/2018 10:13

Morning all.
@Ratbagcatbag
I feel exactly like you, I’m an extrovert, but I do feel that if I am not making the effort I just disappear.
Going to try and go out today. I’ve not been very good recently and been drinking too much

HopelessWithNumbers · 15/07/2018 10:41

Morning eight
What could you do today? Anything particular you want to do / go to?

I’m not sure if I’m an introvert or an extrovert. I seem to be different at different times.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 15/07/2018 11:25

Greetings from the lilo.
Right, listen to what I’m just reading:

‘The deepest core feelings of grief are toxic shame and loneliness. We were shamed by their abandoning us. We feel we are bad, as if we’re contaminated. And that shame leads to our loneliness’. (J Bradshaw: Home coming).

Food for though.

eightfacesofthemoon · 15/07/2018 11:48

That’s a bit depressing! But deffo food for thought.
I definitely feel a lot of shame!
Hey ho
I Am going to go for a bike ride today and get out in the sun and try not to drink.
I spent the whole day feeling sorry for myself and drinking yesterday. Which is not good, I kind of spiral down and can’t seem to stop.

WheelyCote · 15/07/2018 11:50

Placemarking

Ratbagcatbag · 15/07/2018 16:44

Impromptu day at an amazing park with my DD and her godmother so awesome.

Feeling a bit guilty though as a guy who may or may not develop into more but is a really good friend needs someone to talk too. I could do it over the phone, but it's too nice. So I've yelled my nieces daughter for paid babysitting duty and once DD is bathed and ready for bed I'm going into town to meet at a pub for a couple of hours. Problem is she also babysat Friday as I had a school mum thing too.
DD is fine and I was going to put her to bed, but apparently "xxxx is better mummy, she reads me an extra story I'm not supposed to tell you about, so you can just go out". I feel so guilty though, but the thought of sat outside in a pub beer garden for a couple of hours is awesome.

Ratbagcatbag · 16/07/2018 00:00

Aaah. Sorry. Didn't mean to be a thread sniper. I was a bit excited today went ok.
Anyway, back to the slog of work now. Another weekend done.

8FencingWire · 16/07/2018 06:11

A very early good morning from the campsite! I could’t sleep anymore (it’s hot) but I saw the most amazing sunrise, it’s going to be another scorcher here. I love good weathe, everything seems better :)
The camp is deserted, as it should be, at stupid o’clock in the morning. Apart from magpies, there’s lots of them, and quite huge!

I took DD to the beach yesterday, shock and horror, there is no wifi on the beach, she HAD to talk to me. And you know what, we loved it. She opened up, I’ve realised I’ve raised a feminist with a good head on her shoulders. I knew about her dry sense of humour since she was about 7 months old, but she had me in stitches. She’s got a good grasp of politics and has good social awareness. She’s the quiet, laid back type, the mulling sort, but she’s got a lot of confidence. I really like her. Which is just as well. But we haven’t had time just the two of us (for a longer stretch) for ages. She felt abandoned in the favour of my exBF, but is not bitter about it, in her words: ‘you needed a bit of happiness, mum, you looked so happy’. She can’t quite believe how quickly I got ‘over’ exBF though, apparently I’m ‘not like other people, but then, you’ve always been a bit weird and tough’. 😂

Hope it doesn’t come across as nauseating and gushy. It’s a genuine observation, she hasn’t said much lately, apart from stropping and sitting me down to explain in all seriousness that I’m being weird for expecting her to open up to me, teenagers don’t talk to their parents, they talk to their friends. And can she dye her hair 🙄😂🤣🤣.
NO!

I’ll make this a regular yearly event. We’ve been coming here, to this campsite, since she was born. She was saying how weirdly familiar it all is, it’s like being at home. We needed this holiday.

ratbag, you didn’t snip the thread, in fact, we should cerebrate the fact that you did something positive, like going out for a chat and a beer! How was it? And is it going anywhere with this bloke? You won’t try and fix him, will you?

eightfaces, how was the bike ride? I miss my bike, here everybody cycles. I’ve got this old iron horse that I adore, I can cycle for ages on flat roads, but it’s not meant for country side. I cycle everywhere. Not sure why we have a car, I’ve got panniers 😂

The book I’m reading is about discovering and healing the inner child. Sounds airy fairy, I know. But it makes sense to me.
I grew up in fear. I was conditioned to please, otherwise there was hell to pay. I was taken down a whole basket of pegs, not just one or two. I was shamed constantly. I don’t have the impostor syndrome, I don’t think, I’ve proved to myself I am genuinely a good person, trustworthy, intelligent etc. I made pace with that. I know my worth. But I still have this abhorrent fear of being shamed. I reclon that’s why I come across as strong and self assured, that’s why I struggle with showing vulnerability. So I don’t get shamed, it’s so so painful when you get shamed!

I made the mistake of showing vulnerability to my exBF. I figured if he’s in the same boat, he’ll understand. I was careful to protect him and build his confidence and trust in me first. Then I opened up, asking for a safe place to be myself and heal my wounds. Boy, did that backfire! Not malitiously, but he was childish and selfish and sat there looking at me and said he can’t give me what I need.
No idea why.
Don’t think he knows either. One of a sudden it wasn’t all about him anymore, perhaps. Dunno.

I wrote too much. But I’ll come back, I find this cathartic.

anotherfail · 16/07/2018 09:37

Morning all,

I have woken up today feeling really positive. I think it's mostly because its the last week of term. 5 more days... wooo hooo! Then I have 2 weeks off work and will be taking my girls away for 9 days and I am so excited about that.

I'm sure we will have our moments, but like 8FencingWire I'm looking forward to those special moments that holidays give you - shared connections that happen when you have time to relax and forget about the stresses of every day life. Was lovely to hear that you and your daughter are having such a lovely time as although teenagers can be tricky buggers they can also be lovely too and def still need their Mums Smile

ShotsFired · 16/07/2018 09:49

I did something conclusive and active to move on from a bad place this morning. A small thing really, but I feel a little shaky now.

Guess its a mixture of fear and bravery and putting final nails in coffins.

anotherfail · 16/07/2018 09:53

You ok Shots? Want to talk about it?

Moving on is good, although little things can make everything feel so final and that's scary.

ShotsFired · 16/07/2018 10:10

Yes I think that is it, it's "final" and the hope I had of going back is now gone. Which is probably a good thing in the long term, but right now it's hard because it feels like I have failed so badly.

Thanks

anotherfail · 16/07/2018 10:18

Feeling sad because things haven't worked out is perfectly normal. We all enter into these things with the best intentions and hopes. Try not to be too harsh on yourself.

But I do know how you feel ... hence my username!

Ratbagcatbag · 16/07/2018 12:25

Morning all.

8 I won't try and fix him, we've fallen into a very easy FWB situathon I think. He's open he's not in for a relationship and doesn't think he ever will be. But he's fun and easy going and we can as easily go for a picnic and watch a sunset as spend a day in bed. It really works for me, especially at the moment. My main thing is not relying on him to be my main focus of curing my loniliness. It's not fair on him either.

Glad your day chatting was lovely. It's ace when it works out like that for you. Xx

eve34 · 16/07/2018 18:11

Evening all hope everyone had a good day. I'm sat listening to my six year old tamtruming and slamming doors. This happens most evening I'm sick of being the one who has to keep putting up with this.

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