The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Thinking of you all - nice to log in and read other people's experiences. Feeling anxious for no reason this morning, stomach churning. Am off to town to get a haircut and some clothes altered. Good day, all.

Room for one more?

I'm really struggling with loneliness. Both my parents died, I'm an only child, my 12 year relationship ended 6 months ago, I have no children, I work p/t as a cleaner by myself and I have a couple of friends but I only see them occasionally. My best friend of 30 years doesn't want anything to do with me since she fell out with me over money. I've also lost other friends along the way (it must be me). I feel wretched and see no point to my life. I'm older now and the bloom of youth has gone, so it's not so easy to find a partner - plus, I'm no longer a big fan of men anyway and it's friendship I crave rather than a relationship. I feel completely miserable and down about it. Pity party over!!

They all went, it’s just me and an army of spanish speaking cleaners.
Good, cauze I’m in my bikini, spread across two chairs. The tyre around my middle is most unsightly.
fiftysix, your plan reminds me of Saga Noren (the Bridge). I’m still thinking.
I’ll go blow the lilo, when you’re lying down the tyre dissapears in your hips. Or I just can’t see that far without glasses.

Ok people, movement.
Mid thirties, tight black tshirt, blond, beard. Parked his car near my tyre 😂, there’s but a hedge between us. Dunno if he’s in the house in front of me, he parked as if he was.

The camp does not provide towels. Or they forgot. We have one between us for a week. I needed new towels anyway.
I’m blowing the lilo. I’m going.

Blowing UP the lilo!jeez!

8fencing - many ,many years ago i used to write treatment plans for phys/psych problems, and it's weird I'm going to adapt one for myself. I love saga ,and her coat,and her 77 Porsche-sold yesterday for 130000,for wateraid charity ! So yeah I'm channelling her!

Really?!!! Wow, that’s a fantastic amount, they were estimating 20-30,000! I love Saga!! I want leather trousers, which is laughable giving the size of my waist and arse.

I am now so lightheaded from blowing up that lilo it’s not funny. I have a week to finish it, it’s full tall human size.
I’ll go jump in the pool.

Telegraph say it sold for 125k, but bonham s old it at Goodwood festival of speed for 141k Inc premium. There's a lot of fans out there. How's the campsite, now?

I just want to be loved. OK, rewind that a bit. I want someone to find me lovable. That feels so impossibly out of reach.

I have always had dreadful self-esteem, and the psychological damage done by the end of my relationship(1) is currently setting me on a path to not trusting anyone with my precious heart again, because it took so much courage for me to get into that partnership and look what happened. The joy I had in it is not worth the pain I now have out of it - it's self-preservation. But not being loved (or considered lovable) is tearing me apart too. So what's the solution?

(1) - It wasn't anything horrible like abuse etc, just how my brain has computed the ending and broken promises)

Hello, the campsite is dead, the kid has risen. Fed her brekkie. She’s just asked if she can have cheese twists for lunch. No, there’s hummus and salad. You would have thought I spat at her. No, you’re having something proper for lunch, she tried to tell me it’s unfair. Really?!!! Really?!!!
I am sunbathing, there’s a pleasant breeze. She complains it’s cold. It’s 26 degrees. She’s born and bred in England and swims in the sea all year round. But it’s cold. I made her eat grapes, the horror. She wanted m&m s crispies.
I retreated with my book and my shred of sanity.

shots, I think it all boils down to respect. You can’t love and be loved by someone who you don’t respect or has no respect for you. We’re fragile beings, there has to be some sort of compass, foundation, basis, whatever you want to call it.
From this premises, my logical conclusion is that you must respect yourself most and foremost. That’s where I am with my building blocks.
(By ‘you’ I mean in general).
So, after a 10h shift, I would come home (after splitting up with exH) and enjoy the peace and quiet with a cup of coffee. After 20-30 mins I’d get up, cook, tidy etc. But that cup of coffee is my down time. ExBF joined in with my ritual, he loved it. He worked seriously reduced hours, so was home most of the time. At one point he said: I love having a coffee and a chat about our day. I should wait for you with a coffee more often. Because what was actually happening was: I’d come in, he’d get up to give me a kiss and a big cuddle then sit down and...ask for a coffee. A few times I asked him to make it. Then it became tedious and I was just making it. I didn’t think I deserved to be waited for with a coffee. But we both thought HE did. Mindfuck. So this is where I am. Working on my own self respect. Because I think he lost his respect for me when I kept bendi g backwards to please him.

The bloody lilo is up!!!
And I’ve nearly finished my book.
Also, shots, have you seen this? She’s got a book on vulnerability I am working my way through.
fifty, I had a think. And I have a question: why are you a loner?

8fencing. That is an interesting thought. I turned myself inside out to please ex. He never had to explain where he was going. Money he spent or think about anything other than himself. I did all the wife work. And I genuinely was happy to be in the role as I thought the respect was mutual. But he ended up resenting me because I never challenged him or stood up to him. Not that he would of tolerated it from me. I had already put myself in the role of door mat.

Something to think on. Enjoy the lilo. We have four weeks until we go on holiday. Me and my belly are going to enjoy soaking up the sun.

8fence- not by choice,i dont think i had a "presence" in my family growing up, i was corrected a lot , so i learnt to be nice and not be seen to try. My go to catch phrase was "it doesnt matter". I guess "helping others " was the way to get any approval, i guess not wanting to be corrected or rejected leaves a mark, pretty soon though its not an attractive proposition.
But,but my working plan is designed to build up my resources , so i can be a little sttonger. Work in progress?

eve, it’s complicated, isn’t it? I stood up to my exBF, he didn’t like that. I put him first to give him security, understanding, the more I did it, the further he withdrew. But that’s because he was expecting me to dump him for being so crap. There is something fucked in his head, I asked him to see someone who can help, because I can’t. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I knew he had severe attachment problems and traumas from childhood. As do I. We are very very similar. The difference is: I am trying to overcome the difficulties, he is still resenting and finding it all: poor me, me, me, me.
I loved that man. It used to hurt, but I let it go.

fifty, snap! I have the exact same problem! I’m reading a book about our inner child, I must have mentioned that. Seeking parental approval in order not to feel rejected is what started this shitfest in the first place. Work in progress!!!!:)

What I lost (or never had) is my own internal pace. I don’t really know who I really am, how fast or slow I need to go. I need some grounding time. A self nurturing routine. I started with meditation, I practice mindfulness. It’s my safe place:)

Campsite develpment: there is now another lady on a blanket, reading. She’s very pale. People continue to arrive, I can hear cars being unloaded.

I bought pizzas for dinner. Realised we have no oven.

I just saw this online. It's called Melancholy and it is beautiful in its raw despair.

Its by an artist called Albert György, and is in Geneva

Hi I will join in too if that’s ok. I think I’ve always been lonely even though I came from a big family but it was very dysfunctional with an alcoholic father and an unavailable mother.
I’ve sought my own support and learned not to need people - this is a coping strategy to cope with a lot of pain.
I am lonely. There - I said it! I also tend to feel for people who are on their own.
I noticed Truckingonandon post. My parents are dead - I have a son that helps me. I’ve made some connections through his school which helps.
Before I met my now ex - I’d spend the weekends sleeping to past the time. I also remember Christmases and world cups which I spent by myself - it’s very painful.
I have a couple of friends but they don’t want to go out much.
I’m going to look up on Meet up and see if there’s anything for me to try.
I tend to try walking groups as you can either be alone or have brief chats with people.
Trucingonandon - I don’t think your having a pity party - I feel your pain.
🌺 to us all today.

Evenings like tonight wipe me, DD will be in bed by 7, and then there's an expanse of nothing and no one until I go to bed. When actually just having someone there, to cook with, sit in the garden with or just chat too.

I've got some new plans tonight, I grabbed myself a new games console as I've played a few call of duty games with a friend recently, I remember how much I used to utterly love the online gaming scene.
So tonight, I'll be settling down at 7:15 and getting online. I'll be wiped out so quickly and will take ages to improve, but at least it's company. It will be against others and all the laughing and swearing banter that goes with it.
The alternative is to be in bed at 7:30pm because the thought of I should have someone to chat to is awful.

Ratbag. Enjoy the game. Good way to have some company. The evening are long. Now the lighter nights are here it's a bit sad to go to bed whilst it is still light. My eldest stays up till about nine so that's not so bad for me. Although he is off in camp next week so will be even more lonely.

shots, that’s beautiful! Do you like art?
mery, I’m the same: I don’t ‘need’ people. I do, but I had to rely on myself for so long, it’s scary.
ratbag, how’s the game going?
eve, mine goes to her dad’s for 3 weeks when we get back!!! I’m going to try and join a meetup group and do as much overtime as I can.

Evening lovely ladies , I'm single and the lonely claws are definitely in . I have lovely friends, nice home good job etc but no one special in my life . I find the evenings so boring

Mary - thank you for your kind words.

Was about to start a thread like this when I discovered this one! Single and lonely. Weekends are hard (shared custody of two 11yr olds) and although my D.C.s are with me now and have been all day, I feel incredibly lonely. Had a disastrous relationship for the last three years with an alcoholic and a brief dating thing for the last six weeks but now that has ended I feel despair. Weekends are hard but I’m a teacher and have six weeks of summer holidays coming up which I should be looking forward to but am in fact dreading

Just checking in with you lovely lot for all of us.

Love the camp site updates

It strikes me that there's a lot of intelligent, self aware, reflective people here. I wonder if there's some correlation between people who think more deeply/are more aware and loneliness.... I might be totally wrong here- just an observation from this thread....

That sculpture is beautiful, as is your description of it shots.

I love that Brene Brown video! I'd be interested to hear about/read the book.

I agree that self esteem is a key factor in what we're going through. I think it's cyclical. We draw away from social contact or find it awkward because of self esteem, become more lonely/isolated because of this and then loneliness changes our perception of ourselves and others, thus compounding the issue....

I agree that our building blocks to change this need to be about self respect/ learning to like and practice compassion towards ourselves. I would very much like to feel loved/lovable to others. I know I've got to start with myself.

I know it's a bit woo but I the whole 'law of attraction' theory makes sense to me. (I've never read 'The Secret' though! ) e.g I took a group of adults experiencing depression out as a part of my job. We generated a real sense of 'fun', laughing, being silly/joking, being warm and smiley. I noticed the reactions of others (e.g. Shop assistants, waiter, bus drivers)
'matched' ours- i.e. Smiles, jokes, being friendly and helpful. I do think like attracts like in this way. I know when I'm a bit 'off' people are more likely to be off with me. I know when I'm putting on a smiley face but don't really feel it then I get less positive responses from others than when I genuinely feel good. So that's my long winded way of agreeing that it's so important to work primarily on developing a sense of self worth, knowing we're good company because we like who we are! It can be a battle for me when I feel ground down/rejected/just tired of it all, but my goal is still to make improvements to my sense of self worth, generating a better 'vibe', then hopefully attracting the same for others. I don't know if that makes any sense at all!! But appreciate being able to express it here

I also agree with PP about being the one who helps others with their problems and ending up feeling alone. That's another thing I need to work on!

Hello BacktoBlack
I somehow missed your post when I posted mine.
So sorry to hear you've been having such an awful time. I'm glad you've found us here. I've found it to be a very supportive and insightful thread. Others here have really made me think about things differently.
When I was at the end of a difficult relationship I found this book really helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0099474123/ref=cm_cr_othr_mb_bdcrb_top?tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Thank you so much x