The Claw....a thread about loneliness

[HopelessWithNumbers]

Combating Loneliness At Weekends

I don’t know if this is 100% appropriate for ‘Relationships’ but a few of us on another thread have been discussing the horrible loneliness that can invade (not exclusively at weekends of course) when you are single or not single but feeling that the rest of the world is enjoying themselves with families, friends or partners.

Of course some people love their own company, but others struggle. My child is an adult so my time is pretty much my own (apart from work), but I have just come out of a relationship and am finding it difficult to keep the sadness and anxiety at bay.

Other people are in relationships but not getting what they need in some way, and so feeling sad and / or lonely.

Could we use this thread for supporting people in that position? Virtually and perhaps meeting in ‘real life’?

Hello all.
Friday night. Here we go again....
I've just got my period and feel so utterly miserable.
Boo hoo.

Evening all. I am feeling very black dog this evening for the first time in ages. I hope it’s just a small blip due to over tiredness and ds being horrid and me overdoing it but I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself for a moment.

Sorry to hear that Wolf. You sound like me 

Boo fucking hoo. I'm just waiting to get my kids into bed so I can drown in the rest of my bottle of wine.

So glad to have seen this thread! Obviously not glad that others are feeling lonely too but it makes me feel like slightly less of an oddball knowing that there are others in the same boat.

My mum died a few years ago so now I have no family at all apart from my daughter and she goes to her dad's every weekend. All of my friends are in couples and don't like going out or even meeting up regularly as they're busy with their partners and spending time with their parents and wider family.

I usually just wander around the local city centre. Everyone else seems to have a big group of friends to have fun and socialise with. I actually got a job that's one weekend day a week so that I'd feel like less of a loner.

@HopelessWithNumbers One thing I was thinking about was that any social stuff I do tends to be during the week.....because friends have partners/families/friends that they see at the weekend!

Yeah, I recognise that too. In fact I don't even count the fact it's Friday now. It almost just becomes another night I have to get through and the weekend is more of an inconvenience.

I have some time off next week as well (using up leave days is a big problem for me!). I have a DIY job to complete but I need to sort it all out in the garden (for space), and now the sodding weather is set to change so I may not even be able. Maybe I'll waste time this weekend doing it instead.

Hopeless, the trip will be super as the kids are really good company. It’ll be just over a week.

Sending good vibes to everyone who is struggling tonight.

Hello all!
Friday nights I always iron 😂🤣😂, so that’s very rock’n’roll!

I continued to think about this thread. Two big ‘themes’ emerged:

1. Some of us have issues with self esteem, assertiveness. And I don’t mean this derogatory. I am one of the feistiest people out there, you’d think the last thing I lack is assertiveness. But I do. I’m in a nightmare with the exH who still tries to control me. It’s been 2 1/2 years, he promises and then changes his mind about divorce, he plays some dirty tricks. I am not divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour not because I don’t have the reasons, but because I think I will make it worse, drag me and the kid to courts. I am not assertive enough for this. A solicitor is, but it costs money. We had nothing, no property, no pension, no savings (he had, in an offshore account). So to spend thousands on a solicitor for a piece of paper that says divorced on it....I am not assertive, I’ll wait for 5 years and then divorce him regardless. It would be fantastic for my mental health, disastrous for my finances. He knows that.

So anyway, I lack assertiveness. I lack that knowledge that I am strong and capable enough. I am cowering in a corner. I want to be liked and loved, starting a war makes me think I’m going to lose everything, myself first.

So I am working on this. I have booked counselling, there is a waiting list, but I’ll get there.

1. Some of us feel lonely because we want a relationship. I know, after my last 18 months relationship fiasco, that I’m a people pleaser and I’ve got boundary issues. Actually,not that so much, but I have no idea how to present my boundaries. I feel guilty for having them. To give you an example. In my 20years of marriage, I cleaned and did all the housework etc. He had ‘learnt helplessness’, he’d do a shit job so I don’t ask again. I did. And got angry. And lowered standards. And...lots of other stuff. Bit it got me nowhere, just taken advantage of.

So, with my exBF, when he moved in after a year, I was clear: you pull your weight. He didn’t, but he hired a cleaner. So I said fair enough. And then I realised he was paying the cleaner from a fund we set up and we both contributed towards a big purchase. Because he resented having to pay for the cleaner himself, I did all the washing, the shopping, the cooking, the beds, the tidying, washing the car etc without any imput from him, because he was paying for the cleaner and his fair share of expenses. I didn’t know how to bring this up and reinforce my boundary. I felt guilty. I wanted to maintain the peace.

Yes, it’s much easier on my own. I have a budget, a rota, a system. It’s easy. But I have no one to live with me partially because I find it sould destroying and areal relationship killer to do ‘wifework’.
So on one hand I want companionship, on the other I don’t want to cook, wash and serve for it.

I want equal partnership. I don’t want to have to fucking ‘house train’ a man.
It’s a price I’m willing to pay, but I’m not liking it.

So, in the meantime. I’m spending the spare time I have on myself.
We’re on holiday. The kettle and the wifi are shit, but otherwise everything is perfect. DD is still asleep. I’ll have a second cup of coffee in the garden in the sun. All is well :)

I also find that I can be really busy in the week. Then total blank on a weekend.

A friend texted me yesterday saying she wanted to book a weekend away, which I got really excited about, but then she said casually, oh but it might be too difficult as I am virtually booked up for the summer. I think I’ve seen her once in 6 months

Let me lighten the mood a bit: someone here has a dog called Gizmo. 😂😂😂😂 they keep calling it!

Glad I found this thead. You know when you push yourself to go out and meet people and end up feeling even more shit? That was me last night and now this morning - the regret.

What happened nobody?

Can I just place mark for full reading later on?

I've been single 18 months. My 5 yo DD goes to her dads three nights a week and he's massively involved in her life. But I'm an extrovert and I crave company.
I've got friends and make myself go to stuff but sometimes I'd just like the hand holds and the hugs too.
Weekend evenings are the worst. Nearly all my friends are couples (my relationship lasted 16 years) so no one wants to try the amazing and expensive new restaurant in town as that's something they'd do with their DH's, or just a quick evening at the cinema. Because Friday and Saturday nights are (rightly) reserved for their times.

Sorry, you’ll have to indulge me and my running commentary of the campsite this morning, it fascinates me 😂
Gizmo’s parents also have a mastiff. They’re having breakfast. I’m hungry, but DD is asleep and I don’t want to eat alone. The women set the breakfast up, the men are sitting down with their coffees.

Opposite me a 6-7 years old little boy is having a massive tantrum. I’m trying to guess why, the parents are ignoring him, he is really screaming nonsense.
And on my left there is a couple: her with turcoise hair, him with pink. I think they’re all leaving today though.
The welcome pack had a lilo and dishwasher tablets. We don’t have a dishwasher, the sea is about 2 km away and I doubt you can take it in the pool (not open air).
Tell me to shut up and get a life 🤣

Morning 8Fencing I hope you had your second coffee in peace
It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking and analysis of your wants and needs.

I agree that in many ways life is easier when single. But there is something about me that really craves a partnership.
In my last relationship I was with someone who was clear from the outset that he didn’t want what he called a 24/7 relationship, i.e. living together. I really feel that is what I would like. In retrospect we shouldn’t have stayed together but I (naively) hoped he would change his mind.

At the moment I feel I need quite a substantial break from relationships. But I also need to tackle this loneliness / emptiness.

I’m enjoying your holiday vicariously 8Fencing

Hi Ratbag and Nobody , welcome.
I know exactly what you mean Ratbag. There are so many things I want to see and do but get fed up with doing them on my own or missing out.
I would like really to be doing them with a partner.
But when I was in a couple did I think about friends who were single or on their own for other reasons? I’m not convinced I did.
If I’m ever in another relationship perhaps that’s something I could try to do differently.

numbers, so you really want a relationship. What prevents you from going out there and dating? Sorry if I missed the reason if you already explained.

I was married and then met exBF by accident. Never did online dating, he did apparently and it’s a jungle out there.
DD keeps trying to get me to sign on Tinder. No way!

I’m thinking Christmas again. Anybody has a family to rent?😂 exH had DD last year, he took her to an indian restaurant. Don’t mind doing that, but it’ll be shit just us two. Perhaps I’ll volunteer us to Shelter or Stonepillow, ‘exploit’ her (that’s what she calls it every time I am trying to get her to do anything).

Hello

Please may I join? I only just found this thread and have started reading through. I’m a lone parent, currently with eow arrangement. I’m ok on weeknights as by the time I’ve worked and got DC in bed I’m happy just to chill but my weekends without them are tough. I feel like I can’t to things in the past like join a class or group as I would miss every other one.

Eow meaning every other weekend

Hi and welcome Hedgehog

8Fencing It’s not long since my last relationship ended and I think I need some time thinking about myself rather than worrying about someone else!

I’ve done online dating a couple of times and actually, on the whole, it was fine. I think you have to be quite resilient though.

hedgehog, my ExH has DD as and when, I can’t make any plans! Add to that the fact she’s a teenager who‘can’t be bothered’. Yeah. You can still go to class every other week though, can’t you? If it’s on a pay as you go basis?

numbers, I have been with exh 20 years, 6 months break, 18 months relationship which finished not that long ago. So, like you, am not interested at the moment anyway. 😂

Sitting In the garden drinking first coffee, watching the bees and breathing in the earthy smell after yesterday's rain.
8fencingwire, puts it well about self esteem, I think loneliness is set in place as a child's unmet needs, which create a need which is fulfilled or not, but because of an absence of any companionship at important times leads to unsupported self analysis and social sensitivity. Maybe this is me only, I kind of think I've always been accommodating the emotional/practical absences in my life. I'm thinking of drawing up a plan for myself and see if it helps. I'll let it run for a finite time -2 months?
It'll look a bit like this
1)Short paragraph about self in the third person .e.g. 60 year old married woman....reports long standing experiences of social/community loneliness....currently only sees people d times a week, no close family. This keeps things subjective.
2)what does the person want to change a)b)c)d).......
3)activities that will help a).
How can this be achieved, transport,cost,access,short term assistance and so on. Be detailed but remember this is for another rperson directly the same probs .
B)c)d). Do the same
Keep it up for 2 months
Review. What changed,what didn't . Tweek plan and repeat. For another2 months review,twerk and repeat.

As I say I'm very long term billynomates, but this has got me thinking.

If you twerk, fiftysix, it’ll surely work 😂🤣🤣.
I’m being silly, I know it’s a typo.
Let me think about your plan.
The child is still asleep 🙄

😂 opps,Missed it!

Morning all.

I'm also still getting over splitting with my BF. My first serious relationship post divorce and I'm finding it really hard. Last night I unfollowed him from social media and I'm hoping this'll help.

I know that rushing into OLD would be disastrous at this point and I'd just be doing it to try and fill the void left by us splitting so I'm trying to sort myself out. Went on my first Meet Up last week. Was hard to push myself but it was good to get out and chat to some people.

Hope you all have s great day and looking forward to more people watching updates from 8Fencing. I love being nosey on campsites