I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

Oh Bloodyfucksake wish I could give you a hug or make you a cup of tea (hug)

It sounds like hell at the moment, but it will get better. Not soon, but it will. You will be happy and laughing again whether it’s with or without him (no assumptions).

Just do the bare minimum to keep you and your DC going. Do you have someone who you can let know you’ve just been knocked sideways, without details, and get some practical support from them e.g. a few hours child free to process the shock?

i wonder whether telling someone in real life might be useful, as it will be harder to minimise to yourself what he's done.

and as others have said - practical mode is your friend.
organise yourself.

I may have missed this however pregnancy scare suggests unprotected sex.

It may not be the first time if he was on tinder saying he was divorced.

You need a complete check up at an STI clinic ASAP.

If OP and DC were to go on holiday without the husband, is there any foreseeable legal difficulty that might arise from him having full access to the family home?

Are these discussions that OP needs to have with a legal advisor? And quite soon if he's due home August 1 and it might be unclear what they have discussed/agreed by then?

Bloodyfucksake Thu 05-Jul-18 14:51:51
Two comments jumping out at me - the poster telling me to remember that he is a good liar, and the poster telling me its the 1st time hes been caught, not the 1st time hes done it. This is hell.

Thank you for your support. I am completely lost. Its as if all my energy has gone. I just want to go to bed. But 3 DC make that a bit tricky.

I have wonderful friends. I just don't want to start talking and crying.

Don't go to bed, go the clinic and get checked.

Sadly, you'll need his permission to travel solo with the DC's.
Would he dare to make things difficult?

I'm so very sorry about all this OP. Thinking of you

Sadly, you'll need his permission to travel solo with the DC's.

No you don't.

Op I'm so sorry but as many people on here are saying it's early days. Nothing will happen immediately so take your time to get your head straight. Call on real life people or keep it in here - what ever feels right to you. Don't make big decisions just yet, let the initial shock subside a bit so you can channel your energy into your next steps.

Oh dear! It is tough. On one hand kids make it difficult for you to.take a break from life but on the other hand they can keep you same. What will be good is if you can get people to whom you delegate housework/feeding the kids/entertaining them a few hours a day. It might be good to go to some resort with facilities for the kids-and in my opinion it can help if it is in France-you can talk to women in parks whilst kids play, especially the older ones with no kids of their own in the park. Their light view on infidelity can be relieving. Once the everyday care of the kids is delegated then do the stuff you like (go on long walks -read-listen to music- hug yourself etc...)Please don't stay in bed-drag yourself out -try to take some activity you always deferred because of time/kids etc (if you have money) such as dancing/zumba etc...in the night bring the kids with you to bed and hug them...It helps...if course of you gavevfruends to support you it is great to talk to them; otherwise if you have money go to a therapist...what is important is to understand that you are now traumatised-all your world and emotions are host turvy and it is ok...accept the roller coaster you are in now with no fault of hours...It is important that you don't blame yourself-that you accept the upheaval you are going through BUT you must try to reconnect to yourself and love yourself dearly. Remember what you used to like doing before meeting him and bring yourself to do it ..Look at this period like a second agitated teen-agehood..nurse and rock your pain...take a big parenthrsis off parenting . The kids might do a big mess-maybe even glue themselves to the screen etc it is ok...It will be better if as I said before you can delegate their entertainment -but try to share it with them try to go out with them to see silly movies to play in amusement parks....not easy at all..a secrete: I miss the first days/month's after the DD (disclosure / discovery day) . I was tough I did not know how to look at it how to relate to him and to the affair but I danced read walked listened to.music like never ever before..I did tell my kids (age appropriate stuff ) to explain my moods my sadness my sudden disconnectness/nausea etc ...now don't do yet any decision whether to LTB or not..
If course you will feel.the need to throw at him accusations and obsenities...I think it is ok not to censure yourself here... (not next to the kids though) ...go for it if it relieves you...choose whome you are talking to about it all . I talked to very good friends of both of us-and of course to complete strangers. If you find a good person to baby did your kids then go out in the evening to bars out of your neighbourhood and have a nice drink and talk to patrons there ... (be careful though...) We have been there. Time heals. Don't let the affair define you. On the contrary make it help you rediscover and redefine yourself as an individual...oh dear I wish there was an Anonymous Betrayed Group where we can all meet up cry and laugh...big hugs (hug your kids dear. ..

Sorry for the typo and the incoherence it has created ...the key words : you are ok; it is ok to feel that your world collapsed ; try to distract yourself; rediscover yourself and reconnect to yourself; do the stuff you enjoy but you stopped doing after you git married etc; go out to parks during the day with kids (not necessarily in your neighborhood and soeak to strangrs; try to delegate the everyday stuff (cleaning/meals /entertaining the kids) to people; go to bars in . Speak Speak Speak...speak to strangers and a few selected friends...and in the evening go to bars far from.your house and again speak...go out totheatres and amusement parks with the kids. Being your kids-and any pet you like- to sleep in the bed with you and hug them tightly...take some sleeping pill -be careful wjich pills especially if your kids might beed you in the night- and rock yourself to sleep. Go out on the roads/in the parks in the day -take the kids to macdo if needed- and in the evening go to dancing classes or bars if you can allow it to yourself...we are so sorry our club keep growing...but many clever ladies are around to support you...

Sending you kind thoughts and wishing you lots of strength

Sloven Sorry if I'm mistaken, but both me and dh need written permission from the other if we travel on our own with DD.
It's just my experience!

I have been asked for it in Morocco and the UK and Canada. I have also met a distressed Grandma at Bristol airport who didn't have the letter (it just has to be a simple bit of paper) and the immigration people were phoning the mother in Spain!

But, I may be mistaken, as I said, I do not want to distress the OP further. So we'll leave it there and she can maybe just check when she sees her lawyer.

I've just checked on the GOV.UK website and I am correct. I know it's ridiculous.

It's to do with child abduction

I've often traveled with my kids without written permission from my DH

Sadly, you'll need his permission to travel solo with the DC's.

Technically it's true but in reality only ever invoked if anyone else with PR has obtaine a prohibited steps order and/or alerted the border authorities of child abduction risks.

I've travelled dozens of times alone with D.C. and so has his father. I have to carry a copy of the BC due to different surnames. Other than that a letter has never been asked for.

I've travelled with my daughter numerous times without written permission off her Father. Never been asked for anything.

They are really cracking down on it, if he makes a fuss she will not be allowed without a court order. I just wanted to warn the OP, that is all.

I don't want to derail, I really don't. A quick check on the internet will confirm my experience is correct.

I too, have travelled without permission, but not lately.

All people with parental responsibility must give permission and if he is being difficult, it could be difficult.

Is it only if you have a different surname to the dc? I went away with my dd last week, just us two, and nobody said a word.

I did wonder about it as have seen it mentioned on here before.

I’ve never given it a second thought re: permission to travel. They have my name I wonder if that makes a difference? And also we’ve only been in Europe.

(i am going to the US with them later in the year so thank you for the heads up).

OP - I found taking charge of my future helpful. Have a look at entitledto.com for a guide to benefits and entitlement. It’s a good start and takes some of the fear away.

Listen, I'm just saying if he's the a*hole he sounds like he is, wants to wangle his way onto the holiday to try and get the OP back and be with his children, the OP needs to know about this sooner or later, he could make things difficult, but not if she acts now. That's all.

Certainly is a good idea to mention it, WendyCope as enough stress going on without adding to it.

Really sad to hear your news op, I can’t imagine how awful it must be. As others have said time to get your paperwork in order and allow yourself time to think. Hope the surgery goes well with dc in the next few weeks.

Have you got a close friend or relative that you can talk to, somebody to take the load...

Hope that is clear, WendyCope. I meant you were definitely doing the right thing by saying something. Others may not have had problems before, but who knows what ops dh will do now.

Just google 'Can I take my children on holiday without my husband?' or something like that and you go to the GOV.UK website. I'm just quoting them as sadly I have my reasons for having to know this.

Ann for the US for absolute sure you need this note now.

It is nothing to do with surnames.

One call to immigration and she would be stopped, I am just concerned he could do this when backed into a corner/ out of control.

Again, do not want to distress the OP further, just let her know to avoid a potential further issue.

Thanks Kahlua

So sorry OP what a massive prick.

He shouldn’t be hiding behind timezones he should be booking the next flight home.