I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

Even if you did believe his version of events (which you shouldn't) does he think going on "dates" with other women and taking them back to hotel rooms is ok?

What a knob. And not a very bright one either.

Yes get your ducks in a row. Once you have that you should start divorce proceedings. That woman did you the biggest favour in the world. She stopped you from being at further risk from STDs and from wasting any more time with a cheat. I don't get the people dissing her. She didn't know he was married, she lost a baby and then did the right thing showing you all the evidence that you needed to believe her.

Bloody hell what a nightmare. Sorry this has happened op

I don't get the people dissing her. She didn't know he was married, she lost a baby and then did the right thing showing you all the evidence that you needed to believe her.

Yeah 100%, the OP seems to have her anger directed in the right direction though which is good

Bloodyfucksake sending you hugs, and strength.

How old are your DC? Could you tell your them a cleaned up (and appropriate) version of the truth, such as, ‘Daddy made a mistake/mess at work and he may have to stay behind to sort things out’. This gives them something they’ll understand from school.

As others have said get your ducks in a row as soon as you can, it gives you more choices in the long run.

If the OW did get pregnant it means he’s been having unprotected sex. I’d also make an appointment at an STD clinic and let him know you are having to do it.

Stay friendly with OW to get as much information and evidence as possible.

Good luck.

Oh my god you poor thing.

I've no advice I'm afraid. I just wanted to let you know I was gutted for you reading our story.

didnt want to just read and run I am very sorry this is happening to your family

So sorry to read the update and you're right WTF sleeps in a twin bedroom with another person they've date and hardly know but there's nothing in it
He's a fool!

I'm so sorry OP, for you and your children.

They 'dated' but didn't have sex? But what is the object of 'dating,' besides some form of relationship and some sexual activity? He's a rat & trying to spoon feed you the tiniest amount of info. Nobody in the world goes on dates that don't involve some element of emotional and sexual follow through - getting naked involves lots besides the act

He's such a rat. Being on tinder, lying about being divorced, dating women... he's disgusting

Oh op, I feel for you. It's over and you know. So now you need to protect yourself financially, see a lawyer ducks in a row etc and protect your kids. Could he have to work longer so has to miss the holiday and tell them when you are back or cancel the holiday. It is never a good time to have to tell them. I would maybe consider telling your friends going on the holiday telling the kids he has to work longer then tell them when you are back, but it wouldn't be much of a holiday for you.

@bloodyfucksake I found out XH was cheating about 10 days before our holiday. We went on holiday - we had two rooms anyway so weren’t sharing a bed and that made it bearable.

I would say go on the holiday if you can bear it.

I wouldn’t say anything to the DCs, not yet. Not until you and H have made plans on how this is going to go. The children will be better off,
I think, when they can see that it will be alright and you are both ok. You have to get to ‘ok’.

We separated in Oct, went on holiday, told the DCs after Xmas. He moved out in April. We had a trip of a lifetime booked later that year, so we still did that. None of it was easy. But as long as I could, I kept a lid on it and it was all done ‘for the sake of the children’. I think it was ok, they seem
To have come out the other side and are alright.

Everyone is different. You can either do the short, sharp get the pain over with approach, or keep the waters calm and test your inner strength and mental health.

You poor poor woman

I just wanted to reiterate what clippityclock said

He had a Tinder profile

He was DATING this woman

There may be others that he’s hooked up with for sex on work trips via Tinder

A sexual health check needs to be among the first things you do. I speak from experience unfortunately.

I also agree with what PP said about the OW, she met him on Tinder thought he was single, and now she’s just had a miscarriage to a married man with three kids.

Her head must be an absolute state

I feel for you I do

You will have to tell the children he is working, and go on holiday without him or else have to play happy families with this pathetic excuse for a man don’t put yourself through that

Aw op how horrible I second getting a health check my ex gave me genital warts the bastard, as bad as she is at least she gave you the choice in what to do with the information op

Aw God. What an arse hole! It's just awful what he has done to her and horrific what he has done to you and your kids. He's has absolutely no shame! So vile.

Take care of yourself

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you OP, and how awful your husband clearly is. What a liar.

Also, shame on the people who were so quick to declare the woman a complete nut job, a bunny boiler or a crazy woman.

He was married with children, lying to his wife and this other woman. He'd led her on and got her pregnant, yet people are so quick to defend him and accuse her of poor behaviour. I bet after finding out he's married, losing a baby and having all of that to deal with made her emotions go all over the place.
With the exception of a few people, most of the women who are described as bunny boilers or crazy exes have been put into those positions by the poor behaviour of the men in their lives.

Bloodyfucksake when you are talking to him remember he is a very good liar: you had no idea he was cheating so he hid it very well.
I know how hard it is to suddenly have to doubt someone you’ve previously completely trusted (been there I’m sad to say) but, for your sake, take care.

Christ alive what a sleezeball.

Oh OP you have handled this with dignity. And you have so much to deal with with DC. Be strong and think what outcomes you want both short and long term. Then the path to the end result will be clearer.

OP this is not the first time, this is just the first time he has been caught.

You know what to do, even if you are scared. You will get through it.

Oh OP. What a bastard. Have you got a support network in real life who can help you through this?

Two comments jumping out at me - the poster telling me to remember that he is a good liar, and the poster telling me its the 1st time hes been caught, not the 1st time hes done it. This is hell.

Thank you for your support. I am completely lost. Its as if all my energy has gone. I just want to go to bed. But 3 DC make that a bit tricky.

I have wonderful friends. I just don't want to start talking and crying.

It’s scary and you’re scared.

Talking is making it real, talking in RL will make it absolute.

This whole thing fucking sucks. He fucking sucks.

You will be OK.

So sorry you are hurting.

Hi there, just offering support, he does sound like a complete bastard. I know it is tough to tell people in RL but it will help in getting your thoughts together and sorting out a plan.

Definitely agree with the other poster about going on holiday without him, any chance you can get a friend / family member to go with you instead?

Keep it on here for a day or two if that helps. MN was a huge support to me when I went through it.

It’s early days and it’s raw. Take your time. When you tell people it will become more of a reality. It helps to say it out loud.

(But don’t ever forget he is a liar and that will never change, no matter what he does or says to get himself out of the shit).