I've been messaged by an OW

[Bloodyfucksake]

I've name changed.
My husband works away. I normaly have no trust issues. I'm busy at home- I work and have 3 DC.
I was out for the day with the DC and had my phone on battery saving mode so couldnt see the internet. Once I'd gotten home and charged it a bit I could see there were messages on Messenger and Instagram from the same woman.

She said she wanted to tell me about my husband. That somethinf had happened and she felt as a woman and mother that she should let me know.

I replied asking her to give me more information. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages. She said that my husband got her pregnant and that she lost it.

I'm not sure what to make of this. He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I'm pretty sure the 1st week he was working intensively. I know after that he has had the opportunity to go out. So even if she met him 3 weeks ago- could she have gotten pregnant and lost it?

She keeps saysing things like 'Don't think I'm a bitch' and 'Please stop freaking out' , 'Please stop caĺling your husband and freaking out at him'.

But I'm not freaking out. I called my husband once. He said he did go out with colleagues and meet a group of girls. That this one girl has been messaging him and apparently saying she has been sent from God to save our marriage.

Now, while maybe the pregnancy thing is not correct- what is he doing meeting up with girls. Why has she got his details.

I have asked her to explain to me what happened e.g. how she met him, how she knows him, what happened but her responses don't answer my questions. She just keeps saying "Don't freak out, please let me tell you the whole story" and "he loves you really"

I feel quite detached. As if theres some sort of drama going on that Im not really part of.

Any idea what I should do?

An he has duped this ‘batshit’ ‘crazy’ ‘unhinged’ woman too.
She isn’t the villain here - she has done the right thing once she knew he was not single.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to post to give my support OP, so sorry this has happened to you but you will get through it, atleast you found out now and not 10 years down the line. Agree with others about getting yourself checked out health wise, fucking prick

Wtf is he going on ‘dates’ for?? He is married!!! Clearly an inconvenient detail that he chose to ignore. And how bloody dare he complain that he cant be bothered with all this juvenile stuff! It’s all his bloody doing!!

When is he back OP? If this is finished for you, have a browse through the (sadly many) other threads - there is always terrrific advice for all those ducks you need to get in a row as regards finances, paperwork etc. I am so, so sorry this is happening. Can you tell the children that he cant come on the holiday as his work trip abroad has run over its dates? A little white lie to buy you some time....

Sounds like quite the mess.

So sorry at the bombshell that’s just been dropped on you.

FWIW I agree with a pp who suggested you go on the holiday with your friends and children while he finds himself a new home.

Good luck

At the moment I wouldn't tell the kids anything-explain his holiday absence as him having to work, tell your friends-you need their support
Tell your husband not to come home until you've gone on the holiday.
Seek legal advice now.

This other woman may be an asset. Don’t write her off.

So sorry
He is an absolute shit.
Second looking at Coats Protection she is such an amazing pillar of strength
Sending you all the best, I hope you have someone in RL u can talk to.

I wouldn't tell him anything about any planned separation. I'd just say "we'll talk about this more when you get home", and then spend the intervening weeks getting all your shit together and ducks in a row so that when you do tell him it's over he can't screw you over. If he's happy to use Tinder and "date" (wanker!!!) behind your back then don't trust him not to screw you over financially. The best thing you can is make sure you and your kids are sorted, get your DC through the surgery and bide your time. I know it's a bit game playing but he's drawn a line in the sand there and you need to step up to it. I just hope you're ok. Find someone IRL you can trust for support. Especially with impending surgery etc.

He must take you for a fool if he expects you to believe such nonsense that he slept in a single bed in her room and they weren’t intimate at all. Even if that were the case (which i’d 100% bet it isn’t) then it’s still unforgivable to be taking a woman on dates and sleeping in a hotel room with her.
I bet he’ll be kicking himself so much, but only because he’s been caught. If he hadn’t been caught then he probably would have continued to cheat with her or multiple other women. He’s a scumbag!

Could you take the children without him?

Don’t forgive him, if he was on tinder this is not the first time he’s cheated. You are worth so much more than this and in time, you will be just fine

((((((((((Madd Madd Hugs))))))))

I had a friend whose DH worked in SE Asia. Came back a few times a year, usually for 2-6 weeks at a time, they went on big holidays etc. She never went there which I thought was odd as it was only an hours flight from a great holiday destination. He told her it was unsafe, which possibly it had been.

I was on holiday in SE Asia when I met a family on holiday who lived and worked for the same company in the same place. I said oooh- do you know XX. They then proceeded to tell me about how they met up with him and his children regularly.

He had another family there. Been going on at least 5 years.

Point being- even guys who seem great can have secret lives.

Urgh. Poor you, OP. So he's just another sleazy tinder weasel.

Start seeking legal advice before he returns, get all your financial information and paperwork (birth certificates/passports) etc together.

Text him, and tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live as he no longer lives with you and the DC. Pack his stuff up.

Well done for getting screenshots of his tinder profile.

Take the DC on the holiday - can you take a friend with you? It will get better, even if it feels like shit at the moment.

Hope the medical stuff with the DC all goes OK.

I'm so sorry OP, it's shite
On the sanity or otherwise of the OW could just be a language or cultural difference. I live abroad many time zones away, and recognise the speech pattern so not so crazy if he's in this region.

But anyway it's shite, so as others have said time for ducks in a row - somehow you need to get your practical head on and sort finances etc out so you know what you want and what you're due.

As for the kids, obviously depends how old they are but really I don't think you can say anything - too many lose ends and if your DS will worry about you being vaguely angry at DH, then this could shake his world especially with surgery on the horizon. It's double shite that DH gets to fuck around and then you get all the tress and grief of holding it together but unfortunately I think you have to.

Bless you OP. Just a horrible state of affairs. Definitely have a read of ‘Coats protection league’

I’d probably go with telling the kids that Dad has to work and try to have a holiday with your friends as best you can. Is it abroad? I was just thinking that if it’s within the U.K. then you might be able to drive back for a day and leave the kids with your friends so you can come home to discuss things -roast the bastard- while the kids are out of the way....?

I don't think the other woman is batshit at all. She's found out he is married and has understandably been appalled by his behaviour and has done the right thing by contacting you. She's also sent you proof so he can not lie to you and make out she is batshit.

Its a shame there is not more women like her prepared to not stand by and let the blokes wife remain in denial.

Oh my darling girl. I'm so sorry to have to read this

My friend’s parents separated when we were about to start a levels. He moved out but at the time, she was told he had to go away for work. It wasn’t unusual so she thought nothing more of it. They broke the news after exams.

I’d be cautious adding more stress to kids who are about to go into surgery. Can you don them off for a bit and tell them afterwards?

So sorry for your trouble.

Poor you, he sounds like an idiot. Not much coming back from that. Be brave and hold your head up, you at least have the moral high ground. Focus on yourself and your children.

It does sound like he may have been 'dating' women for a while but this is the first one that has caused trouble for him so he has had to come clean (to a certain degree anyway). What a shame he is wasting his marriage and family life for the chance of having a bit of meaningless sex with someone he probably doesn't even like that much.

A holiday with him now would be an absolute nightmare. It's all a nightmare anyway, but that would be the icing on the cake - trying to look 'normal' in front of the DC while fighting like cats and dogs behind the scenes. When the anger fades a bit and the hurt kicks in it's a bugger :(

I would tell the kids daddy has to stay out there and work longer than expected. Then tell your ex to sort his stuff and move out and find somewhere to stay by the time you get back from holiday. Then I think once home deal with the situation calmly then.

Also get yourself tested, he clearly has probably been doing this for many years with different women. Just this one decided to speak out about it.

Big hugs xxxx

how to explain why I wont be happily calling him or he wont be on our family holiday.
Do I just stay quiet? DC1 will guess and worry.

Don't spoil the holiday. Tell them Daddy has to work and can't come on the holiday. You will need to tell them obviously, but a couple of weeks won't make a difference.

Husbands version of events - stayed in a hotel room. It had 2 single beds. They didnt have sex. They dated a few times. Still no sex.

He's following the script. Telling you the minimum he thinks he can get away with. He's treating you like an idiot. Zero respect for your feelings as it drags the whole sorry tale out longer when you have to extract it from him bit by bit.

I split up with my DP of 10 years after he had an affair. When caught, he told me that yes, they'd got naked - but then he thought of me and couldn't get it up.

In reality she was 3 weeks pregnant at this point (with a baby she went on to have).

Of course they had sex. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

One up side though, as he's away you have time to get your ducks in a row. You need a plan, including:

• see a solicitor for the free half an hour (or see more than one to see which you like best)
• make copies of everything financial with his name on it, including savings, pension and any investments

they'd got naked - but then he thought of me and couldn't get it up.

Ah the poor love 🤣