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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal

156 replies

Shinynew50p · 04/07/2018 20:43

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager he has been my only long term relationship. I'd really appreciate some opinions on the following as I'm not sure what's normal or right anymore. I am seriously considering finally leaving him.

We have one child, a nice jointly owned mortgaged house, nice cars, regular holidays (often miserable due to his moods).

Insisting that I have sex with him in public places when he knows I am not up for this. Nagging till I give in.

Same with photos. Insisting I take "sexy photos" i.e. Photos of my boobs on nights out with him or friends (obvs I don't do this in front of friends) have to sneak off to toilets which is bloody annoying given the amount of times I actually go out.

Making me talk dirty during sex. Taking photos of me after sex (with cum on my face) nagging till I say yes.

Loosing his temper and calling me a slag/cunt. Telling me I'm a disappointment. Resenting me for working part time (which was a joint descion) he tells me not to talk about plans for my days off in the week because it's not fair he's at work (I am looking after our child on these days and doing house stuff)

He once locked me out of the house naked after a row at a party where he practically wanted me to shag him in the street and I refused so I got a taxi home alone which really riled him. He has left me alone at parties and weddings more times than I can remember because he's in a mood. These are always my friends parties. Not his.

Moaning every time I go on a rare night out and wanting specifics when I will be home.

Insisting on coming to family events with me then refusing to engage and then wanting to leave early.

He has been physical lots of times, mostly low level, shoving, pushing, odd kick in bed, squeezing me hard. I do retaliate at times. I'm ashamed I've done this.

There are other things but on the face of it he appears perfect as he works hard, provides well financially,
Loves our dc.

He has told me he will never leave our house, and threatens to slit his wrists if I leave him. I have tired before but always felt sorry for him and let him back in.

I recently started to drink more in the house. He is using this as a reason for his behaviour so I've pretty much stopped now.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship? Should I put up and shut up and be grateful he is a loving dad and good provider?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 21/07/2018 22:37

Have you sought legal advice and started the ball rolling with official separation? Is he providing any financial assistance?

Original poster
Shinynew50p · 21/07/2018 22:40

I have spoken to a solicitor that's as far as I've got. He is still paying the bills as the moment x

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 21/07/2018 23:08

You won't be the first or the last woman to sleep with your ex when you are feeling vulnerable and your barriers are worn down.

You have done BRILLIANTLY and you are still doing brilliantly. It was a blip - that's all.

He will think that he has some kind of foothold now. And you have to keep on keeping on. It's good you've spoken to a solicitor, it's good you've spoken to a friend. Keep on talking to anyone and everyone. The more people you are able to trust with the truth, the stronger you will be.

As everyone has said, you have suffered appalling sexual, emotional and violent abuse and you will need help to break free and recover, This is the first step - well done you x

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2018 23:38

Change the locks! See a solicitor about getting an occupation order and a non molestation order. He's massively abusive, you're not safe around him.

Rebecca36 · 21/07/2018 23:40

Definitely not normal. Ditch him.

bethy15 · 22/07/2018 10:27

Hey. Please change your locks on your doors. He shouldn't be in your house at all, especially not waiting for you when you come home. What he's done to you is sexual assault and for many years, you wouldn't give a stranger who rapes you the key to your house, don't do it with this man either.

I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I would stay away from drinking. When we drink we make poor choices, and it's risky for your poor decision to be sleeping with this dangerous man. For the time being, you just don't want to give him an inch at all.

This is an understandable thing that's happened. Are you in touch with women's aid? Try to call them or someone you can speak with openly and objectively.

And again, PLEASE change the locks.

Mishappening · 22/07/2018 10:30

OP - I think you know the answer to your own question.

I hope you find some way of distancing yourself from this situation.

Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 10:34

It sounds as though he's not quite right in the head! You see some horrible things here on MN but yours is possibly the worst so far! Get out ffs and find a nice, normal decent man. Msybe you've been with this excuse for a man so long you don't know what a normal man is like? Go now. LTB.

Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 10:56

He's just called me as he has my daughter and will be dropping her off later. He said he is disgusted by the state of me on Friday, that I need to address my binge drinking, and that he is willing to make changes if I do. I do binge drink when I go out and struggle to know my limits. I'm terrified he will report me to social services as an unfit mother

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/07/2018 10:59

You have done the only rational thing by leaving this vile abusive man. Sex should only ever be consensual and pleasurable, and all decent men know that.

Don't dwell on your blip. This guy's had years of manipulating you, remember? And knock the drinking on the head. It's not your friend and will only ever make things worse if you're going through tough times.

bethy15 · 22/07/2018 11:00

Don't listen to him, he won't make any changes as he is a sexual predator.

You drank when you didn't have care of your daughter, that's not illegal.

I would advise you not to drink for a while, you don't need him to have any leverage on you, he's the abuser, the violent sex predator who has treated you disgustingly. Don't give him an inch.

I would be keeping your daughter away from him though. He's poison and the way he's treated you, he lost his rights to her too. I wouldn't leave my child with a sexual predator.

Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 11:11

Thank you. I absolutely need to give alcohol a wide birth for the time being...I know that much..as Friday would never of happened if I hadn't been under the influence.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 22/07/2018 11:35

You need to seek legal advice asap... make sure you are not alone when he is picking up or collecting. Arrange child pick ups and drop offs and no other contact.. Iv read all your posts and can see in a few more he will have wormed his way back in. Keep strong op. Not normal he is abusive and you and your dad deserve more.

bethy15 · 22/07/2018 12:10

Are you in contact with Women's Aid and do you have legal representation? I presume you must have as you are in your house and he isn't, did a lawyer manage to arrange this for you?

You say about the drinking, rightly, but you don't mention changing the locks. Do you think you'll do that? You really must, otherwise you have given a rapist the keys to your home. Please, please do this.

Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 12:24

I have tried ringing woman's aid but can never get through.

I have spoken to a solicitor about how to proceed with divorce and the house situation. She says I can't stop him entering the house at the moment as we jointly own it. I could change the locks, or I may just move back to my parents.

OP posts:
bethy15 · 22/07/2018 12:33

How did you end up back in the house and he living somewhere else?

You need some boundaries, so either change the locks or go back to your parents.

Keep phoning them too, they must pick up eventually.

Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 12:45

He agreed to let me back in the house, as it is closer to my work and my daughters childcare. He is staying at his mums. He did initially say he would only come on the days he was picking up dc, but he is coming into the House and using it as an excuse to get to me.

I just feel so sick that I slept with him again after all this , and he saw me drunk, and is now using this against me.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 13:35

I can see that someone on here had already said he'll worm his way back in, and that's what he's trying to do (and succeeding)! Do not allow this freak to have sexwith you. Move back to your mum's if you have to. He isn't going to leave you alone.

bethy15 · 22/07/2018 13:39

You'll have to work to put this behind you. Yes he'll use it against you, but only if you allow him to, he's done his fair share to you too, so you having some drinks doesn't compare to his sexual abuse of you.

He's manipulated you for so many years now, giving him access is allowing him to continue this.As someone said, you need someone else there for you when you do change overs. I do wonder the sense in allowing him access to this child though.

Isawthelight · 22/07/2018 14:44

He agreed to let me back in the house, as it is closer to my work and my daughters childcare

No, he agreed to let you back in the house because he knew it would be easier to get to you without your parents being there., and he did get you, his plan worked. Don't be fooled here that he did 'a nice thing' for you. I can't believe you agreed to this knowing that he could still come and go without a key. To be honest, your more recent posts sound as if you're on the verge of getting back with him, are you?

Isawthelight · 22/07/2018 14:45
  • with a key, not without.
Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 16:02

I don't have any desire to get back with him, I am very grateful and support I have received on this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 16:02

*for the support

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2018 16:55

Be strong and steadfast OP. Don't let us down Flowers

Original poster
Shinynew50p · 22/07/2018 17:31

Thank you. I'm just terrified he is going to get in touch with social services and make accusations about me being an alcoholic unfit mother. This really isn't the case but I like I have said in previous posts I have upped my intake recently and I do have a tendency to completely over do it on nights out (my daughter is always being looked after by someone on these occasions) after being so silly on Friday I really feel like I have gone backwards. Thank you so much everyone for your support.

OP posts: