Is this normal

[Shinynew50p]

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager he has been my only long term relationship. I'd really appreciate some opinions on the following as I'm not sure what's normal or right anymore. I am seriously considering finally leaving him.

We have one child, a nice jointly owned mortgaged house, nice cars, regular holidays (often miserable due to his moods).

Insisting that I have sex with him in public places when he knows I am not up for this. Nagging till I give in.

Same with photos. Insisting I take "sexy photos" i.e. Photos of my boobs on nights out with him or friends (obvs I don't do this in front of friends) have to sneak off to toilets which is bloody annoying given the amount of times I actually go out.

Making me talk dirty during sex. Taking photos of me after sex (with cum on my face) nagging till I say yes.

Loosing his temper and calling me a slag/cunt. Telling me I'm a disappointment. Resenting me for working part time (which was a joint descion) he tells me not to talk about plans for my days off in the week because it's not fair he's at work (I am looking after our child on these days and doing house stuff)

He once locked me out of the house naked after a row at a party where he practically wanted me to shag him in the street and I refused so I got a taxi home alone which really riled him. He has left me alone at parties and weddings more times than I can remember because he's in a mood. These are always my friends parties. Not his.

Moaning every time I go on a rare night out and wanting specifics when I will be home.

Insisting on coming to family events with me then refusing to engage and then wanting to leave early.

He has been physical lots of times, mostly low level, shoving, pushing, odd kick in bed, squeezing me hard. I do retaliate at times. I'm ashamed I've done this.

There are other things but on the face of it he appears perfect as he works hard, provides well financially,
Loves our dc.

He has told me he will never leave our house, and threatens to slit his wrists if I leave him. I have tired before but always felt sorry for him and let him back in.

I recently started to drink more in the house. He is using this as a reason for his behaviour so I've pretty much stopped now.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship? Should I put up and shut up and be grateful he is a loving dad and good provider?

Make sure he understands if he defaults on the mortgage you will both walk away from the house with nothing as the bank will just repossess it. Well done OP for being so brave and doing something so difficult.

He's just throwing whatever he can at the situation in wild hopes it'll bring you to heel. Don't listen to him - he's panicking (as he should be).

Can you get onto car finance company and get them to switch it to you paying?

Call the police on 101 and get a history marker put on your parents' address. Then message him and tell him if he turns up there you will call the police.

Sending you kind thoughts, stay strong

Thanks everyone he is still messaging me first asking how our dc is? Then calling me names? Then blaming everything on me drinking alcohol. Still threatening to come to my parents unless I answer his calls. Im going to switch the phone off and go to bed shortly.

I will look into changing my direct debits. Don't know how I'll manage to pay everything but it will work out.

That sounds a good plan, on all fronts.

Hope you manage to get some rest tonight. Be kind to yourself. You're doing really well.

If he turns up at your parents house he has no right to be there so you can call the police and have him arrested if he causes a disturbance. You don't have to speak to him or let him in.

And don't worry about his threats to kill himself. unfortunately these abusive men never actually follow through - the world would be a better place if more of them did.

Please file a report with the police so that they're aware of what's happening. If you needed to call 999, they'd already know the situation.

You're doing the right thing. Your dc will be so much happier in a stable home.

Ring mortgage people, explain situation and ask for a mortgage holiday until the house sells. That dramatically reduces your outgoings AND takes away one of his twat attempts at forcing you back or punishing you. Banks deal with situations like this all the time and have policies to help.
Grey rock him to fuck! Standard, repetitive, short unemotional phrases only. And police if he causes a scene. No trying to explain, rationalise or argue with him. Lawyer up. You're doing amazingly well!

Well done. None of what you describe is normal.What a turd!

Update. Back from a night away with my parents. We had a nice time. Husband has continued to message me asking when he can see our daughter. I'm at a loss at what do right now. She has asked for him a couple of times, I know he has a right to see her. I'm going to ring woman's aid in a bit, I've tried twice before but couldn't get through. Feeling a bit bleurgh today, I'm missing the comforts of my own house and my mum although well intending is doing my head in. She even said why don't you invite x round to have a cup of tea in the garden so you can chat and he can see dc...and they keep bringing up money, the fact I don't have any really and how he was the main earner. It's not all about money and I am aware that I am likely to be broke for a period of time!

Uff, that's not very helpful. They probably mean well, but it's not making things any easier for you, is it?

I can understand you probably don't want them knowing lots of details about what he did to you, but have you told them enough for them to understand how serious it is and that it's not something that can be fixed - least of all over a cup of tea in the garden?

Re-reading your op, if it were me, I'd be inclined to make it clear to them he had physically assaulted me on several occasions (they don't need specific details). I might also mention him having locked me out of the house deliberately (whether you included that he did that while you were naked is up to you, but it might make it clearer what a vicious act it was). I would then finish by explaining that he did far more and worse things, but I don't wish to discuss them, I just need you to support me and trust my judgement that he is dangerous and he will not be invited over here or allowed inside if he appears.

It's up to you what you tell them of course. If you don't want to give them even those details, then perhaps every time they make an unhelpful suggestion that shows they don't really "get it", calmly state "he was violent and abusive, I am getting things sorted, but I need to do it my way." Or your own words to that effect, obviously. But emphasis on violent and abusive. I think it can take some people time for that part to sink in, so those are the two buzzwords I used when people weren't listening to me.

It can sometimes take time to get through to WA but please don't give up. I understand contact arrangements will need to be addressed, but it should be done in a way that protects you all, and that doesn't mean in the garden of your parents' home where you need to be able to feel safe and especially when you've only just made it out of his clutches!

I'm glad you had a nice time on your night away though. That's something to hold onto I hope?

Another update. I've had a hellish couple of weeks, my husband keeps turning up at the house, one minute being nice, the next being nasty when he doesn't get the answers he wants. He is furious that I am in our house with our daughter and he is at his parents.

He was fuming yesterday when he came to collect our little girl, as I let it slip I was going to a party with some work friends whilst he has my daughter, and I wasn't wearing my rings (I've took them off) he grabbed the ring box from my drawer and threw it out the window and told me I was going out as a single woman, just wanted to get shagged etc.

I went out and had a nice time but drank quite a lot. Shouldn't of done that, I am playing in to his hands because he is now telling everyone I have a drink problem. He was waiting for me when I got home (he was supposed to be at his parents with our daughter but he has a key to the house still ) Anyway I'm not sure how but I ended up having sex with him. It was actually good sex. I am so disgusted with myself, my family have been so supportive of my descion and disgusted by what I've told them, they would be so disappointed in me and also it's given him hope and I feel I am back to square one. I just don't know where to go from here...

Why are you asking us ? You know the answer . He's an abusive unhinged freak ... guarantee he won't cut his wrists.. you can't live your life like this ... why on earth have you tolerated this for so long . Please get out and start again . Be brave ... wishing you all the best for a future without him .. you will be so relieved

Oooops ! Hadn't read the whole thread ... I still wish you well .. but you've kind of fucked up now !!!!

Yes I know I have.. massively

New day. Most of us have done things we regret at some point. Walls back up - be on your guard. Life will be better in the future.

This is an abusive relationship.

Locking you out of the house naked? Pestering you to do sexual things you don't want to do and are not comfortable with - when he knows this - but about taking no for an answer. Getting physical with you. Being emotionally abusive.

Yes, it's an abusive relationship no doubt.

You should, to be blunt, get the hell out of there. You obviously can not possibly be happy in this situation. And what if it escalates - what if his behavior gets progressively worse (or even suddenly worse).... He's already using emotional force to get you to engage in sexual behavior you are not comfortable with - what next? Using physical force? Rape? .. I'm not saying that's going to happen but i to could - you don't know it won't. Reality is how is behavior is a massive red flag for something potentially much worse in the pipe line.

My advice is get out of this - you're not safe

Last night was last night - today is the beginning of the rest of your life; we all falter, just take each day as it comes and don't beat yourself up about last night. If you'd had a few drinks, chances are he took advantage of that fact.

Start gathering the important documents and putting money aside separately if you can... This will take a little planning. He is verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive. Get some counselling, seek advice from the appropriate agencies. speak to your gp and your mum about the sex stuff (we'll, mum if you feel you can)... Do you know where he stores the pics or whatever else he has? You need to get to them and destroy and/or delete everything you can before you go. If he twigs that you are thinking of leaving they may be used against you.... Although illegal now, he will still try to use the leverage. Whereas if you get rid of them or make your family etc aware of the facts then he can't hold that over you. Do not engage in any more....

Good luck... My heart goes out to you... Was in a similar situation so I know what you're going through xx

My apologies.... I only read the first couple of posts and felt for you so decided to post..

Well done you have made the right decision 💐💐

He has been in control of sex with you for more than a decade. It’s not surprising he was able to get you to have sex once more.
But it doesn’t mean you owe him anything and it doesn’t change the fact that he is a foul rapey abuser. You have been incredibly strong in getting him out, and you are still that brave, strong woman.
Treat it as the inevitable slip-up in a diet that is going to be a whole life-style change. You may have had a KFC for old times sake, but your future is still fitter and happier and healthier with delicious and healthy food in it.

We are all human and make mistakes -sounds like you were coerced once again. Don't beat yourself up, get help and stay away from this nasty abusive man

Thanks guys had a good chat with a friend tonight it really helped x