Is this normal

[Shinynew50p]

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager he has been my only long term relationship. I'd really appreciate some opinions on the following as I'm not sure what's normal or right anymore. I am seriously considering finally leaving him.

We have one child, a nice jointly owned mortgaged house, nice cars, regular holidays (often miserable due to his moods).

Insisting that I have sex with him in public places when he knows I am not up for this. Nagging till I give in.

Same with photos. Insisting I take "sexy photos" i.e. Photos of my boobs on nights out with him or friends (obvs I don't do this in front of friends) have to sneak off to toilets which is bloody annoying given the amount of times I actually go out.

Making me talk dirty during sex. Taking photos of me after sex (with cum on my face) nagging till I say yes.

Loosing his temper and calling me a slag/cunt. Telling me I'm a disappointment. Resenting me for working part time (which was a joint descion) he tells me not to talk about plans for my days off in the week because it's not fair he's at work (I am looking after our child on these days and doing house stuff)

He once locked me out of the house naked after a row at a party where he practically wanted me to shag him in the street and I refused so I got a taxi home alone which really riled him. He has left me alone at parties and weddings more times than I can remember because he's in a mood. These are always my friends parties. Not his.

Moaning every time I go on a rare night out and wanting specifics when I will be home.

Insisting on coming to family events with me then refusing to engage and then wanting to leave early.

He has been physical lots of times, mostly low level, shoving, pushing, odd kick in bed, squeezing me hard. I do retaliate at times. I'm ashamed I've done this.

There are other things but on the face of it he appears perfect as he works hard, provides well financially,
Loves our dc.

He has told me he will never leave our house, and threatens to slit his wrists if I leave him. I have tired before but always felt sorry for him and let him back in.

I recently started to drink more in the house. He is using this as a reason for his behaviour so I've pretty much stopped now.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship? Should I put up and shut up and be grateful he is a loving dad and good provider?

Throw the phone into a glass of water.

Sounds like a great plan.

If youre worried about money, check your tax credits entitlement as a single parent. You might be surprised. Also dont forget he will have to pay child support at least and you will get at least half of any equity in the house.

Get a good solicitor and remember its a temporary move and you will live in a lovely place of your own again soon.

Imagine what you would be like in a few years time if you stayed with him in that house?

"He's been to the doctors last time I threaten to leave and they said he has anxiety and stress but he didn't want to take pills for it."

No he SAID he went to the Drs and that's what they said. Unless you went with him you cannot know.

He is extremely abusive in every way possible.

Please be careful, tell your loved ones, call women's aid and plan your leaving.

Normally I'd advise trying to stay in/keep the house but this guy sounds particularly volatile and your safety comes first.

However

www.ncdv.org.uk

Have a good rep on here.

"Do I tell him face to face, When my little one isn't there?" I would say plan a secret leaving with advice/support from women's aid & ncdv. NO to telling him at home alone, very risky.

You will need your official papers - marriage certificate, DC birth certificate, your birth certificate, passports, driving licence plus financial docs - bank statements, mortgage papers etc (other posters may know more on this than me), plus you may want to take things like photos of DC, items of sentimental value to you and DC. That's why you need to plan - because gits like this aren't beyond hiding their true financial position and breaking/burning items precious to you.

Pointless getting into any discussion with him. He'll just try and persuade you to stay and use any threat he can - you've fallen for it before, better not to give him the opportunity.

Do not hesitate to contact the police if he harasses or threatens you.

The sex stuff is okay IF you are BOTH into it and both consenting! In a normal healthy couple who communicate their wants, desires and limits and agree to them the sex you describe would be okay (not for me personally, but live and let live). It is a kink though. And as you do not want to participate and the way he gets you to is by coercing you I'd say its pretty abusive actually!!

Also he's abusing you in other ways and you should never feel sorry for this pig! Get rid!!

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I will be speaking to my family tomorrow and plan to get out Friday. I will take my stuff some of my daughters and the financial stuff. I will leave him a note otherwise I am too be bombarded with messages.

I am so grateful for your advice. I have been contemplating this for a year but kept making excuses for him. I know it won't be easy.

I don't think I will have time to contact a solicitor straight away but that can wait.

He is smelling something fishy. keeps asking if I'm ok.

Please be careful not to let on in your behaviour too. If you feel at all unsafe leave, call police do whatever you need to.

You arrange to see a lawyer for a free consultation initially, you tell your parents who will be horrified and upset for you I feel , with someone like this I would either be arranging to get all your stuff out when he was away at some point without him getting wind or somehow get him out the house, or you remain there till house is sold or he is ‘told’ to leave as part of a divorce etc. OP this is totally dreadful stuff to read , I think he watches way too much porn , never mind your pics and sees you as his own ‘on tap’ porn actress, except without paying. Start the ball rolling, This is not remotely ok

I'm so happy you've made the choice to get out!

He is abusing you so horrifically! I'm actually heartbroken for you!

You are doing the right thing for you and your dc xxxx

I would try to get hold of the phone. Does he have the location settings on the phone switched on? I would take the phone and remove the battery so it has no signal and let him think he's lost it. Does he back up the phone and it's pictures to some kind of online storage or email facility. If so, if you know the password, I would access the accounts and check the photos of you are not stored on them. If they are and you can access them, then make sure they are fully deleted.

He really does seem to think that I'm just a bore and everything is my fault. He's hard to reason with

There’s the problem. He’s got you feeling like you have to reason with him and convince him that you’re in the right before you can leave, but that’s not how it works. You don’t need him to agree with you that he’s abusive or for him to ‘let’ you leave. I fell into that trap too so I totally understand how you feel, but let me tell you this: if you want to leave, then you can leave. You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval, least of all his.

Just allow yourself to imagine for a moment never feeling like you have to ‘reason with’ him again! How wonderful would that be? How much time and energy would you save that you could spend doing far more fun things?

I was exhausted for nine years from constantly trying to make my now-ex see my point of view. I so wish I had just realised all of the above and stopped making his unreasonable and abusive behaviour my problem to fix.

Best rid op

You need to leave ASAP. This is not, in any way normal.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship?

Also (and I mean this very kindly), one day when you are out of this relationship and have taken some time to heal and assess things from a distance, you will read the above sentence and be absolutely gobsmacked that you could even ask this question.

Again, I have been there and can not believe the things I let myself brush off or dismiss as possibly being ‘normal’. I know you’re too close to the situation right now to see it, so please just take our words for it: NONE of what you’ve described is just ‘part and parcel’ of a relationship.

As for the parts about him being nice sometimes, please just take a look through the Relationships board and you will see that almost every single poster - no matter how horrific the situation they describe - will add a paragraph about how DH is a great guy a lot of the time. It’s all part of the same cycle! And the bar is normally set very low, too. Helping out around the house, looking after your children and having a civil conversation sometimes are not markers of a great husband, they are an absolute baseline of human decency. It’s a testament to the effectiveness of their abuse tactics that these men end up convincing us that we should be grateful for tiny scraps of basic humanity!

OP... are you ok? Please come back and tell us how you're doing

He has imprisoned you. He is abusing you. You need to get the hell out of there. Not your fault about his mental state of health.

Once you have taken your DC and yourself and any particularly valuable belongings out of the house, get some legal advice and talk to WA. it may be possible to have him removed from the house and get an occupation order so you and DC can carry on living there without him.
And tell everyone you left him because he was violent and sexually coercive and terrible in bed. Make him a figure of fun. He's pathetic and ridiculous. There's nothing shameful in having been mistreated by an abusive man: it's his fault and not yours.

None of what you describe is normal -especially the sexual fetish scenarios given that you do not enjoy it or want to do it and are being forced to regardless.

You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, neither of which you are receiving

Op this is one of the worst things I have read on here, you do not deserve to be treated like this.
I am so glad you are telling your family and getting out.

I wouldn't be so sure that he is not sharing your pictures online. He is a piece of shit, the way he treats you is so horrible.
Let him slit his wrists, he is only using it to control and scare you, he is responsible for his own actions, not you.
Best of luck, stay safe x

Thank you everyone sorry for late reply. I'm in bed next to him so nit too easy to rely! I really appreciate all the replies. I realise I do need to leave him. I'm going to get things in motion and move out Friday.

I know he will be pestering me about seeing our little girl. I don't feel I can deny him that.

Also worried about the practicalities in the short term. Most of the bills come out of my account and he transfers me a sum each month to cover it but the finance for my car comes directly from his account. What if he stops it? Do I ring the finance people up and change it to my account? Not sure I could actually afford to pay it along with mortgage council tax childcare fees etc that already leave my bank. The car is registered in my name. I need my car to get to and from work/child care especially my parents are further away than my own house.

Do I ring the council tax office and say I've moved out?

He asked for sex tonight but thankfully excepted no as I told him I am still crippled with thrush (I'm not anymore) he wants me to make a docs appointment coz he is fed up with me not wanting to touch him!

Stop the direct debits for bills, and drop the mortgage payments to half. When you leave tell him what you've done. You also need to change the car over - the finance company won't car who's paying it, especially if it's in your name. You may be able to do it online. And you MUST get access to his phone. He can't have all of those pics of you if you are no longer together. They will only reinforce that he see you as his property. And brace yourself OP, this is going to get messy. But I promise you it will be worth all of the angst and unhappiness to be away from this man!

I really don't no how I could access his phone he has a pin on it and is glued to it constantly. I have asked him so many times to delete the photos and he won't.

It's not a joint account? If not that's good.
Get packing important papers and necessaries the minute he goes out to work. And please hide your phone. Put it on silent etc. Just in case. Best of luck op. It's only for the best.

Good luck OP

If he asks you why you're 'behaving strangely', tell him you're preoccupied with work, make up some kind of excuse, don't let him railroad you into revealing all.

Once you're safe I think you may be able to get police/courts involved in getting those pics deleted. Because you didn't give free consent for them to be taken.

And make sure you get proof he has deleted them.

I'm not entirely sure of the law on this, you may even be able to get his phone provider or Apple or whoever to delete them? If that's technically possible.

Not sure. It may just be a case of he has to hand phone to police and they reset it or something.

So glad you're going.

Regarding the photos - if he won't delete them then you speak to the police and find out what the current law is on control of such images. Once you know, tell him that unless he deletes and proves it then you'll speak to the police. Hopefully that'll be enough to make him comply, but if not at least you'll know where you stand legally.

Have a hug and a handhold lass.