Is this normal

[Shinynew50p]

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager he has been my only long term relationship. I'd really appreciate some opinions on the following as I'm not sure what's normal or right anymore. I am seriously considering finally leaving him.

We have one child, a nice jointly owned mortgaged house, nice cars, regular holidays (often miserable due to his moods).

Insisting that I have sex with him in public places when he knows I am not up for this. Nagging till I give in.

Same with photos. Insisting I take "sexy photos" i.e. Photos of my boobs on nights out with him or friends (obvs I don't do this in front of friends) have to sneak off to toilets which is bloody annoying given the amount of times I actually go out.

Making me talk dirty during sex. Taking photos of me after sex (with cum on my face) nagging till I say yes.

Loosing his temper and calling me a slag/cunt. Telling me I'm a disappointment. Resenting me for working part time (which was a joint descion) he tells me not to talk about plans for my days off in the week because it's not fair he's at work (I am looking after our child on these days and doing house stuff)

He once locked me out of the house naked after a row at a party where he practically wanted me to shag him in the street and I refused so I got a taxi home alone which really riled him. He has left me alone at parties and weddings more times than I can remember because he's in a mood. These are always my friends parties. Not his.

Moaning every time I go on a rare night out and wanting specifics when I will be home.

Insisting on coming to family events with me then refusing to engage and then wanting to leave early.

He has been physical lots of times, mostly low level, shoving, pushing, odd kick in bed, squeezing me hard. I do retaliate at times. I'm ashamed I've done this.

There are other things but on the face of it he appears perfect as he works hard, provides well financially,
Loves our dc.

He has told me he will never leave our house, and threatens to slit his wrists if I leave him. I have tired before but always felt sorry for him and let him back in.

I recently started to drink more in the house. He is using this as a reason for his behaviour so I've pretty much stopped now.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship? Should I put up and shut up and be grateful he is a loving dad and good provider?

Thread not friend. Sorry typing too fast.

The Mr Nice and Mr Nasty is part of the Circle of Abuse. Google it. He plays at being Mr nice to keep you unbalanced and hooked in the hope that Mr Nasty won't appear again. No one would stay if Mr Nasty was all they got. It keeps you unbalanced, wondering who he'll be that day;, makes you doubt yourself that someone so nice was actually so nasty before. Makes you try harder to please and makes you change your behaviour to try to stop MR Nasty appearing. It's all part of the abuse.

It is certainly not normal and what's more, his behaviour is grossly inconsiderate.

Ditch him.

My life is great in lots of ways, good friends and family, job I love, my beautiful dc.

Good. It means you have a support network and plenty of fulfilling things to get on with without this abusive fucknugget. Imagine having all those things AND not being coerced into horrible degrading sex acts that you don't want!

Treasure the good stuff in your life but for God's sake get shot of your hideous husband. His behaviour is abhorrent and abusive.

Are you kidding? This is so so far from normal. First you need to learn to say no to all of this shit especially the photos and secondly you need to see a divorce lawyer. If he slits his wrists thats his problem it isn't yours any more.
It is all abuse and sexual coersion, horrible, abnormal, disrespectful and downright abuse.

Thank you everyone for your replies. What do you suggest I do?

Move back to my parents? I have no money other thank a few hundred saved up so that's my only option. Like I said I work part time.

We have a mortgage but he would never leave the house.

Do I tell him face to face, When my little one isn't there?

He doesn't believe he had an issue, he believes it is all down to me being a prude who drinks at the weekend and wants to go out socially at the weekends and not be with my 'family'.

He is going to cry, beg, make threats and then say he wants my dc and the house.

We have a two week all inclusive holiday booked soon. I don't want to go. Last years was awful but he's going to bring that up too, as a make or break option.

Call a solicitor tomorrow and talk it through with him. Plan how to leave and get out of there.
Sounds like he may be addicted to internet porn and is transferring onto you. He might be sharing the pictures.
Since you have been with him since you were 16 you have nothing to compare your relationship with, it's not normal behaviour!

im actually open mouthed reading that OP

he is a vile, disgusting piece of shit.

It's easy to see how you got here - he is all you've known and you've had years of this conditioning.

Your good job, house, friends and family network put you in a strong position.

Now you know how wrong all this is, what do you need to happen to get you to leave?

I would seriously consider telling your mum, and others, everything now. Once it's out there, surely it wouldn't be easy to go back?

Sorry, cross posted again.

In the morning, go to your parents, take your DC with you. Do not leave without them. Tell your family everything. Get legal advice immediately. Screw the holiday. Fuck him, don't even try to talk to him about it. What's the point? He doesnt deserve it anyway.

Don't say a word to him. He isn't your friend. I can't stress enough, DO NOT try to talk to him about anything. Just keep it zen and calm.

If you try to talk to him about this, try to let him down gently, try to give him an ultimatum - that's how he'll end up killing you. I'll say it again, he's not your friend.

Meanwhile, get a solicitor onside, as well as your friends and family. Make a plan. And then follow the plan. Keep yourself safe.

A man who treats you like you describe, is not safe. if he thinks you're slipping through his fingers, he will apply thumbscrews. He doesn't give a fuck about you. He doesn't care if he hurts you.

Thanks everyone. I don't think he is using the photos for anything other than personal use. Thankfully. I do know that if he shared them he's breaking the law and so is he.

I'm just so exhausted by it all. I wish he would just leave of his own accord but he never will. He really does seem to think that I'm just a bore and everything is my fault. He's hard to reason with, even his parents said to me a couple of years ago they were glad I'm laid back because no one else could put up with his mood swings!

Its not normal OP, far from it. You need to leave him, there’s a much happier life waiting for you without him in it. Trust me, I know! I was you about 20 years ago.

He really does seem to think that I'm just a bore and everything is my fault.

I was about to say what he actually really thinks, and then I stopped because actually, who cares what he thinks? Who cares what this nasty, abusive, misogynistic, sick fuck thinks?

You need to get out of there with your child and get legal advice. Agree with PP, do not talk to him. Do not give him the benefit of any doubt. Do not say or do anything that might compromise you because 'he'd never do that'. Don't trust him one inch. Get out.

Trust us, you won't ever convince him he is in the wrong. That's why another confrontation is completely pointless. It will either turn really nasty or he will talk you round again and the cycle will continue.

The only way to end it is to leave first and communicate later. Either through a solicitor or a family member.

I agree with a previous poster - this was so sad to read.

He is abusive. It absolutely is NOT normal.

Please leave him.

Please see if you can get hold of his devices to delete the pics. I’m sorry, I don’t believe he’s only using the photos for personal entertainment.

Absolute abuse, OP, can you take the dc and get out of there? Better the sunk funds theory than going on holiday with this twat.

Not at all normal. Walk away lass. In fact sod that, run!

I can't get hold off his phone with all the photos. No. He's got a pin on it. I think I'm going to call my mum tomorrow and tell her as much I can bare, then move everything I can out on Friday. I'll have to leave him a note or something, he will turn up to my mums I know. I have got another relative I could maybe stay with, but think he's apparently there too.

I'm so sad I'm going to have to leave my house but not him.

The problem is, a lot of the time, we appear like a happy family

As is the case for almost every single abusive relationship. You seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that for it to be abuse it would have to be awful 100% of the time - not how it works. Nobody would stay if there were no calmer times to entrap them.

I only had to read your first example to know you were being abused. This is extreme abuse. What he is doing to you is called coercive control, and it is a crime. With good reason. It is not normal. It is not in any way acceptable, and it is not your fault.

This might put the sexual abuse into focus:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ6UML1c_V0

And this is how he has abused you when you tried to leave in the past, the pleading, claiming to be suicidal, threats of suicide, etc:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Do not warn him you're leaving, do not try to reason with him. Just leave.

If you can, watch at least the second video. It will help you stand firm against his manipulation if you can see it for what it is - an act designed to trap you in his abusive hands.

Once you're out, please seriously consider doing the Freedom Programme. It's not therapy, it's an information course. It will:

• teach you about the abuse you've experienced so you can see it more clearly (I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of other things that you have minimised or normalised that are just as abusive as what you've shared here),
• help you understand the ways you responded (so you can be kinder to yourself and start to heal), and
• perhaps most importantly teach you what a healthy relationship looks like and how to spot warning signs of abuse so you'll never find yourself in this situation again.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - there is an online version if you can't get to a group for the in person one, but if you can I'd really encourage you to go to a group. You'll have the benefit of support and solidarity from other women. (You won't have to share anything at all if you don't want to, but just being with other women who've survived similar things to you can help.)

More immediately, you can call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 for advice or just to talk things through. Don't call them if he's in the house though, even if he is in a different room. It's not worth the risk of him grtting wind of what you're planning.

Do not underestimate what he is capable of if he realises he's going to lose control of you permanently this time.

Take care. Stay safe.

This is distressing to read. May be common but NOT normal Please get help to leave

Oh gosh this is so sad. I read it and feel so sad for you and your child. You deserve so much better than this. I’m glad you have decided to leave. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have money. I’m sure your parents would support you when they know the whole story. I’m fact I think they will be horrified at what had been happening and want to look after you. I wouldn’t tell him you are leaving and wouldn’t even leave a note. Good luck

I'm so sad I'm going to have to leave my house but not him.

I felt the same, so I really do sympathise here. It did hurt for a while, and then it made me angry, but now I'm glad, because I got to start over somewhere new without the shadow of him or the things he did looming over me.

I do agree that it sucks and is unfair, and I know it's easy for me to say, but having been there, it will get easier.

I left a note behind that simply informed him I'd moved out and took a photo on my phone. Mostly so he couldn't do anything stupid like report me missing.

If he turns up at your mum's, don't open the door, don't engage - you don't have to listen to him, you don't have to talk to him, you don't owe him anything. If he becomes threatening or you feel unsafe, call the police immediately. Don't wait for him to get out of control first.

You're so brave and so strong for surviving all he's put you through, and you can get through this. It will take a bit of time, but things will get better once you are away from him.

If you have wobbly moments re-read the responses on this thread, or post on here for support.