Is this normal

[Shinynew50p]

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager he has been my only long term relationship. I'd really appreciate some opinions on the following as I'm not sure what's normal or right anymore. I am seriously considering finally leaving him.

We have one child, a nice jointly owned mortgaged house, nice cars, regular holidays (often miserable due to his moods).

Insisting that I have sex with him in public places when he knows I am not up for this. Nagging till I give in.

Same with photos. Insisting I take "sexy photos" i.e. Photos of my boobs on nights out with him or friends (obvs I don't do this in front of friends) have to sneak off to toilets which is bloody annoying given the amount of times I actually go out.

Making me talk dirty during sex. Taking photos of me after sex (with cum on my face) nagging till I say yes.

Loosing his temper and calling me a slag/cunt. Telling me I'm a disappointment. Resenting me for working part time (which was a joint descion) he tells me not to talk about plans for my days off in the week because it's not fair he's at work (I am looking after our child on these days and doing house stuff)

He once locked me out of the house naked after a row at a party where he practically wanted me to shag him in the street and I refused so I got a taxi home alone which really riled him. He has left me alone at parties and weddings more times than I can remember because he's in a mood. These are always my friends parties. Not his.

Moaning every time I go on a rare night out and wanting specifics when I will be home.

Insisting on coming to family events with me then refusing to engage and then wanting to leave early.

He has been physical lots of times, mostly low level, shoving, pushing, odd kick in bed, squeezing me hard. I do retaliate at times. I'm ashamed I've done this.

There are other things but on the face of it he appears perfect as he works hard, provides well financially,
Loves our dc.

He has told me he will never leave our house, and threatens to slit his wrists if I leave him. I have tired before but always felt sorry for him and let him back in.

I recently started to drink more in the house. He is using this as a reason for his behaviour so I've pretty much stopped now.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship? Should I put up and shut up and be grateful he is a loving dad and good provider?

He's just gone to work. Had a little cry when he left. Feeling sorry for myself that I'm leaving my house and the home we have created. I have worked so hard on my garden. Also feel sorry that I'm 32 and my marriage is over. I really thought it was forever. I'm dreading the upheaval for my daughter and his reaction to all this. I hope I keep up the courage to go tomorrow. I need to ring my mum after work and let her know I'll be moving in haven't spoken to her yet. I've got work shortly so will be after work. X

You know none of this is normal

Just rtft and you have definitely made the best decision for you and your daughter, good luck we are all here with you

You are absolutely doing the right thing for you and DD. This relationship is absolutely NOT normal in any way and not something DD should be witnessing and growing up with. In fact I don't think I've read anything so horrifying.

You will have another house and another garden. But it will be so much better because you won't be sharing it with this vile piece of shit. Make sure you take all the important documents a PP listed above, and as much of your stuff as you can, especially anything of sentimental value.

OP, you had another thread two days ago which had much, much less detail than this and seemed mostly about violence and you barely mentioned the sexual abuse - which is what it is. You also said you recently slept with someone else (are you sure it's thrush, you have? - I would get that checked out if you haven't).

You have known for a VERY long time that despite your lovely weekends, this is not a healthy relationship, that you ended early on but went back because you weren't in a good place, that you tried to end again but stayed with him because he threatened to kill himself, and now you have a toddler too.

Please, please, please, do the right thing and get away from this awful, awful abusive man. Spend a lot of time on your own, possibly have some counselling so that you don't fall into this pattern again of being with someone who isn't right, and make a happy and safe home for you and your toddler. Good luck, you are doing the right thing but this time you MUST, absolutely MUST leave and not go back no matter how he may try to get you back.

Yes I was embarrassed to admit about the sex things before.

The other person was just the final straw and made me realise I really have nothing left for my husband. I know it was morally wrong.

I don't want another relationship. I couldn't think of anything worse right now. I just want it to be and my daughter to get on and enjoy life together.

I don't even have thrush ATM. I do get it often. I'm just using it as a excuse because I don't want sex with him.

You can do this @Shinynew50p

@Gruffalina72 has given some outstanding advice (I'm a Freedom Programme Facilitator, I highly recommend it!)

Get in touch with Women's Aid as suggested and here's why :

You will wobble and feel like going back, especially when things get difficult and they will, because he is abusing you and the headfuck of lies are a form of brainwashing.

WA usually assign you a support worker to take you through the process of leaving him, keeping safe as you do, and to rebuild your life away from him.

WA are helping me enormously with everything from finding a solicitor (you will need one) to contacting the police (you may well find the images of you online and need their help to remove them and take action against him for that) to just meeting me for coffee when I am too afraid to go out alone.

I have good days and bad days, miss my Mr Nice with a physical ache sometimes and those days I call the helpline because Mr Nice is one and the same person as Mr Nasty and they will help you to remember that.

Call WA and ask for help, my local branch is amazing and they will help you through this.

Reading some of your posts here is a highly distressing experience. How you have dealt with it all I do not know.
So sorry you have been treated in such a horrifying and cruel manner.

You have somehow survived. But you will go under if you don’t get out. I am rooting for you and hope so much that you keep your compass pointed at leave. And keep going.

Don’t waste another minute of your life wondering about him, being in fear of him. You deserve happiness and this dreadful toxic weight lifted from your shoulders.

You
Can
Do
This

I promise you. 💐

This isn't remotely normal. I've been married for 29 years. Not once I've done anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. On the contrary we have sex to enjoy each other. It's a mutually agreed exchange.
You are young but that doesn't mean that you don't know what it's right for you. The same goes for anyone.
I think you have endured too long. Think about what it's best for you. I know I wouldn't like to dread sex or living in fear that he'll flip at any moment.
Best of luck I'm sure you'll know you deserve better much better than this.
Talk to a solicitor for options.

Agree you should contact Women’s Aid asap.
Go to your mum’s fri and also to the police to report him.
They’ll take his phone off him hopefully.

No
This is NOT normal
You are in a horrible, abusive relationship
HE IS ABUSING YOU
And if your having sex with him because he’s forcing you into it (emotionally or physically) or he’s making you do sexual things that you don’t want to do then I’m so sorry but your also a sexual assault/rape victim.
I’m so sorry your in this hellish situation

You need to leave him. Today.

Go and get legal advice

Can you do and stay with family or friends for a few days?

Drat just wrote you a long post which got deleted.

I’ll just say quickly this time, that you are marvelously brave and that getting support is really important. Good luck.

So much better to be 32 and ending your abusive, abnormal marriage than to waste 30 more years in it.

Update.

I'm out of the house.

We had another row last night where he threatened to hurt me and refused to let me sleep In my/our bed, he also ripped a photo of me into little pieces.I was starting to feel sorry for him again until that point.

He rang me earlier like nothing had happened and I'd told him I'd gone and there was no coming back which he didn't take well. Begging me. Telling me he loves me and wants to make it work and that he has wnted to split with me loads of times before and stuck it out. I stayed firm and said we are over. I'm no longer in love with him. Didn't put blame on to him.

He is now bombarding me with messages first asking me to come home and he will move out.

Then threatening to resign so he can come and get me.

I'm not responding at all so he is now saying he is going to turn up st my parents in the early hours after his work is finished.

Going to get away early in the morning but terrified he will turn up and cause a scene tonight.

Thanks for the update, I'm glad that you're out and safe for the moment.

Do not interact with him. If you're at your parent's place either don't answer the door or go out to the cinema or a pub when he's likely to turn up. Don't hesitate to call the police if you're there and he's banging on the door.

Well done! Do try to find a solicitor to speak with next week.

l was in an abusive relationship. Not quite the same as yours, but it involved mental and sexual abuse. He had retarded ejaculation and would 'go on' for literally hours, when l had to be up at 5am for work. When l got to the point of refusing him sex because of this, he said it "would be my fault if he went out and raped someone".
Fortunately we were going to marriage counselling at the time, and when l told our counsellor that, she wiped the floor with him. He sat there with his head down like a naughty five year old.
Sweetheart, what's happening to you isn't normal and it's totally unacceptable. Please get help. x

Well done on getting away. Any shenanigans from him tonight, call the police. lf need be, get an injunction. x

Are your parents being supportive? Are they up to dealing with him?

Do not hesitate to call the police if he causes trouble.

So glad you're done it. Don't listen to any of his bull shit. It's all about you and your little one now.

Yes they are supportive thank goodness. I just don't want any drama. He's now left another voice mail saying that he accepts we are over but I better get the house up for sale because he is cancelling the mortgage payment and also the finance he pays on my car! I still think he will turn up in the few hours. Thanks for your replies everyone i appreciate the support alot.

Seriously well done. You are doing amazing.

If he turns up, call the police. Don't answer the door, don't engage, don't try to reason with him. Keep the door closed and locked.

Anything he does, any scene he causes, it is all on him. It is a reflection on him, not you.

You don't need to read his texts, or listen to his voicemails, or take his calls. You owe him nothing.

He is now trying everything he can think of to manipulate or frighten you into coming back. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Stay strong. You've done the best thing you could have done and this is absolutely the right thing to do.

Stay strong. You've done so well. If he turns up get your parents to turn him away. Threaten calling the police, and follow through if he doesn't leave. Every day you get through is a day further away from him.

Well done op! Sex should always be mutually consensual . Every thing in a marriage should be. You have made the right decision. Stay strong.. you and your daughter deserve much more x

Been thinking about you. Glad you're out.