Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ashamed, upset, embarrassed, angry....

116 replies

wasteofspace · 25/05/2007 23:49

.

OP posts:
mamazon · 25/05/2007 23:50

whats happened?

Original poster
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:00

Namechange has worked so will go for a super-industrial-sized vent:

Background: DH and I have ongoing problems. Pretty explosive relationship before DD arrived but have managed to control my temper since then. Same cannot be said for DH as you will see - tonight being a case in point.

DH came home in a thoroughly bad temper, cue three to four hours of ranting at me, calling me names, being a little physical (grabbing my head and shaking it, pulling my ear very hard, pushing the remote control into my forehead). Ok - hardly wife battering stuff but remote control incident was while DD was on my lap. Held my cool throughout - didn't rant back. Closed my eyes during physical stuff to try to block him out. Repeated mantra in my head - must not lose my temper, must not lose my temper.

Went to bed with DD. DH bursts into the bedroom and rants some more. DD puts her arms around me and says "I don't let Daddy hurt you Mummy." Cue me being absolutely incensed because now my baby thinks it's her job to protect me. I wait until she's asleep and stupidly (aaargh) go downstairs to confront him. Lose my cool and push him against the toilet. He hits the pipe leading to the toilet and water literally gushes everywhere. He gives me a couple of slaps round the head for good measure. We now have to pay for a plumber which we can't afford plus I have to spend the bank holiday weekend with him.

He has ranted some more and I have shot a few choice insults back. This is not an AIBU thread but I am sorely in need of some objective advice. He will now rant all weekend and I have to find some way to regain my cool and not let it get to me. I am ashamed and upset because I've let myself and DD down and wrecked a perfectly good toilet which I can't afford to fix.

However, I am still fuming with DH. I refuse to apologise out of principle and truly believe that I was unlucky while his four hour marathon rant has left no visible after-effects, my one moment of madness is clearly evidenced. He has been shouting all evening that I have been "beating him up" so now the neighbours think I'm bonkers. My daughter lives in a bloody war-zone and I am in emotional tatters.

Have no idea what my purpose is in posting all this really. You're all either going to laugh at my toilet-busting incident or say I'm going straight to hell for laying a finger on DH. Either way, I don't care. I just need to let off steam before I spontaneously combust...

OP posts:
Ceolas · 26/05/2007 00:03

I think you both need help.

lou33 · 26/05/2007 00:03

oh my goodness , i dont know what to say>??

this is not a healthy relationship at all, i'm sorry your dd had to witness this

Ceolas · 26/05/2007 00:04

Is this likely to be the end of it?

Can either of you go an stay elsewhere for a couple of days?

Original poster
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:06

Just to clarify DD did not witness me losing my temper. I'm aware that's a bit of a cop-out but I have never physically lost my temper with DH in front of her - in fact I can count on the fingers of one hand I've said anything nasty to him in front of her. I've really tried to create the most peaceful environment I can - it's just that it's not just me that controls that.

Please don't judge me guys - I know it's an internet forum and everything but I am just so at the moment...

OP posts:
Busybean · 26/05/2007 00:06

one of you needs to move out. The impact its having on your dd is more than you think and I personally would remove myself and he children out of this situation before it gets even worse. your dd is your top priority now, not your dh.

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:07

What are you gaining from staying with this man?

Do you see a future for your relationship?

Does he often do these marathon ranting sessions at you?

I think he was clearly trying to get you to rise to it, for whatever weirdo reasons.

How would you feel if you weren't together?

Original poster
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:08

nowhere to go I'm afraid. DH says he's going to tell my parents anyway. He's acting like I'm some loony and as if he had no hand in the whole thing whatsoever.

Am I a mad old bint with a poor put-upon DH or am I just an ordinary person being tested beyond their limits? (I know that sounds like a rhetorical question but it isn't really!)

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:08

WOS, I'm not judging you.

If you don't act now to sort this out, I might though.

But not now, sweetheart. You need help, not judgement.

mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:08

you need to leave and leave now.
this is EXACTLY wife battery sort of stuff!

the fact that yoru dd is already saying things like this is oncredibly alarming. please take it frm someone whose children have been through this. my son was incredibly violant and aggressive to the point he was taught at school in a seperate class from his peers for fear he would seriously hurt someone as he often would.

we have been away from my ex for two years, and 10 months without contact. he is now taught in the normal classroom and has hardly any outbursts of a physical nature.

It has taken no contact at all, play therapy and a lot of hard work on both home and schools part.
you are damagnig your child every single day that you allow this behaviour to continue.

you know that this behaviour will never stop, he wont get help, and it will get worse. i dont need to bang on about it as deep down you know this already.

i am deeply concerned about teh fact you seen to make it sound like its normal, even suggesting we would laug about teh incident. what your desrcibing is ABH, that is not funny at all...particularly not in front of a child.

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:09

"DH came home in a thoroughly bad temper, cue three to four hours of ranting at me, calling me names, being a little physical (grabbing my head and shaking it, pulling my ear very hard, pushing the remote control into my forehead). Ok - hardly wife battering stuff but remote control incident was while DD was on my lap. Held my cool throughout - didn't rant back. Closed my eyes during physical stuff to try to block him out. Repeated mantra in my head - must not lose my temper, must not lose my temper.

Went to bed with DD. DH bursts into the bedroom and rants some more. DD puts her arms around me and says "I don't let Daddy hurt you Mummy." Cue me being absolutely incensed because now my baby thinks it's her job to protect me."

Read that bit again and see whether you think you might have a case for provocation.

NappiesGalore · 26/05/2007 00:09

you shouldnt be ashamed for losing your temper
and i am not going to blame you for laying a finger on him
or laugh at you for busting the toilet.
#b/c, im not him.
he has made you beleive that he is reasonable and you are not.
this is untrue.
your dd deserves a childhood free of this nonsense.
you need to leave.
sorry, blunt but my best advice.

Original poster
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:09

I'm getting nothing Hunker. I've been going through the motions so that DD didn't come from a broken home but it's pretty broke at the moment, isn't it?

I will be able to move out in a couple of months but am stuck here for the moment.

OP posts:
Ceolas · 26/05/2007 00:10

No, not judging either.

"DH came home in a thoroughly bad temper, cue three to four hours of ranting at me, calling me names, being a little physical (grabbing my head and shaking it, pulling my ear very hard, pushing the remote control into my forehead)."

No-one deserves that sort of treatment.

We just want you to get some help

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:10

WOS, why should it be you going anywhere?

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:11

Are you married to him?

Original poster
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:11

Hunker and Nappies - you've made me cry

I DO think I was provoked - I'm not mad am I?

OP posts:
mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:11

and i am in no place to judge. it took me 7 years to leave.

you do have someonwhere to go hun, it may be a last resort but there are 100's of womens aid refuge's all over teh country. if you really have nowhere else they are a great source of support

lou33 · 26/05/2007 00:11

but she did witness her father doing stuff to you, and tried to protect you from him

i am certainly not judging but it really isnt healthy at all

why would he behave like that towards you?

i can kind of understand being pushed to a certain point that you finally react, but you havent said why he was doing what he did to you int he first place

it seems so bizarre

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:13

I understand re the broken home thing.

But nobody sane would expect you to put up with the level of abuse you received tonight.

And it's hardly a "whole" home if DD's feeling like she has to protect you, is it? That will sound far harsher than I mean it to, I'm sure - I'm sorry - but honestly, it's not doing anybody any good at the moment.

You say it's been volatile in the past - has it ever been a relationship of mutual respect?

Original poster
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:14

He owns the majority of equity in the house - I just contributed the debt. TBH too many bad memories here so would like to make a fresh start with DD.

I am married to him. I once loved him very much - he's a good person but so angry with how his life has turned out. I'm no angel but feel like it's too often that I bear the brunt of his frustration.

When I first started to actively control my temper, I used to ring the Samaritans I've done so well on my own for about a year. I might be completely wrong but I do feel that if he wasn't in the picture, my anger wouldn't be an issue. Am I wrong to blame him?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:14

Oh, darling, no you're not mad. This is abuse though - which is why it's so hard for you to see.

Would your parents be supportive if you told them first what had happened?

NappiesGalore · 26/05/2007 00:15

WOS - this man will make you feel like you are going mad. its the way he contols you. its the wasy he operates. he feels more in control if he has you on the back foot.

you do NOT need to take this.
your dd DOES NOT need this.

get out girl. please.

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 00:16

Can you consider counselling, or has it gone too far beyond that?

Swipe left for the next trending thread