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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ashamed, upset, embarrassed, angry....

116 replies

wasteofspace · 25/05/2007 23:49

OP posts:

cookieMOMster · 26/05/2007 13:39

Thinking of you!! Hope you are oK and get out of this situation soon. Your new name is much better!! Take care!

Nessie21 · 26/05/2007 14:05

i'm in sort of exactly the same position as you.. i have my own thread with more detail. he's taking things out on you thats not your fault. and whats more he's making you feel like its your falt. i'am in your position now and am going to get help. you do need to get out myybe you could contct womans aid or something?? i feel so close to tears because i know i am not alone in this matter. you are not a faliure, if you get out now you will be saving your daughter

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 21:38

How are you today, WOWOS?

bubblymummy · 26/05/2007 21:54

I think what you've experienced is domestic abuse actually and I think that this in ot the first time. Pushing a remote control into your head is physical agression and this happens when he came home in a bad mood?

You need to get away.

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 22:24

Just wanted to log on and say thank you for all the messages - I'm still at the stories of MNers who have been through so much and come out stronger - it's very inspiring!

As for me, all quiet on the Western front today! No more ranting and we had short but productive conversation where I said that next time I wouldn't wait 3 and a half hours and explode - I would just call the police the minute he lay a finger on me. He apologised, I said I didn't give a monkeys, he was contrite with lots of hugs, I was like a fortress of silence! He's very subdued and has finally recognised out loud that he suffers from depression and should get off his butt and do something about it.

TBH (and I've told him this), I don't have any hope for our relationship as husband and wife. I just want to try my hardest to ensure that when we do part, it will be as friends so that we are still both functional parents to DD. Just in case this is not possible, I've finally separated our stuff put all mine and DD's documents in a safe place. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day away from him. I need some space to think and as terrible as it sounds, I can't even bear to be in the same room as him at the moment.

So I'm feeling but determined. Not the outcome I was hoping for - I do still have the overwhelming urge to pack a bag and run like the wind. But I also know that I deserve the chance to sort out my financials so that I'm in a position to provide for me and DD whatever happens...

Thanks again all of you. I don't think I could have got through the last 24 hours without all of your wisdom and experience xx

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 22:26

Nessie21 - I would be very interested in looking at your thread. Would you mind linking or telling me the topic and title. TIA and big [virtual] hugs to you xx

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 22:27

I think that's very positive, WOWOS.

For him to admit he has depression (and I think he may very well from what you've posted) is a massive step. I hope he has the strength to do something about it.

Separating your documents is a good idea. Wishing you much strength for the weeks to come - keep posting, sweetheart.

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 22:29

Thanks Hunker It means a lot that you think I'm strong despite my relative inactivity!

I'm tempted to pack a bag of clothes for us but know that when I run out of clean washing I'll be raiding that bag so it would be a pointless exercise

bananabump · 26/05/2007 22:35

Just glad you're ok and continue to be so! Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

hunkermunker · 27/05/2007 00:13

PMSL at the bag-packing and unpacking - at least you have enough self-knowledge not to bother packing the blasted thing in the first place!

BandofMothers · 27/05/2007 09:14

You sound very strong still, Good. And practical.
I hope he sorts himself out and becomes a better, nicer dad to your dd.
I hope you and dd are happy when you find your own little place
Wishing you well

matilda57 · 28/05/2007 01:02

Sorry, culdn't real the whole post (sorry) but DELIGHTED to see you've changed your name (YAY!!!) Have you tried womens aid 0808 2000 247 (24/7 helpline)? The are the experts on domestic abuse, and are able to give you all the practical and emotional support you need to plan what to do next - they recognise it is hard when you've been in an abusive relationship to know exactly what to do for the best, or how to go forward. They do not judge, or push/force you to do something you're not ready for, but will support you in any way you need, and have a LOT of resources (inc legal) to fit the need. It sounds like you've been in a domestic abuse culture all your life too - no wonder you were attracted to an abuser . From what you've said, you have been nice to him 1. so he will be nice to you? (it doesn't work like that though - abusers just see your niceness as a ticket to blame you) and 2. to appease his temper. The name-calling is classic domestic abuse, the blaming you for everything wrong in his life is too. YOu accepting that if you could just be more tolerant/help him more/ BETTER etc he wouldn't do it. He was spoiling for a fight that night, hanging it on any reason (knowing you have secretly believed him - doubt yourself - when he says it's all your fault). I am SO upset that all this went on in front of your dd [SOB]. Also, that you were minimising what happened, thinking it sounds funny. It isn't hun .

The police also have domestic violence units in most (if not all?) areas, and if you call them they will promptly turn up and arrest your abuser. They seem to be very well clued-up on domestic abuse these days. If he is EVER violent again, however 'small' (none of it is small btw!), please call the police immediately. He has to understand that you won't be used as a verbal, emotional or physical punchbag; and your daughter can NOT be a witness to all this. There is NEVER an excuse for domestic abuse.

Also, have a look on womens aid site. You might recognise a lot of what you read. I was very violent to my husband when I was being horrifically abused (every way except physical). It took me an age to see I wasn't mad/evil/the cause but that he was.

dionnelorraine · 28/05/2007 01:47

WifeOWOS - You are sounding a lot stronger than when you 1st started thid thread. I was slightly relieved as I was reading towards the most recent posts that you are doing something about it for you and your dds sake.

When I was little, my parents had a violent relationship. Actually my dad was the violent one. He scared the crap out of me! I remember hearing the screams and the shouting. He dragged mum through cut glass, broke her arm, gave her black eyes, tried to strangel her, punched her etc... It took her 13 years to leave him. The smallest things would make him explode. 2 specific things I remember - He couldnt find his slippers one day, so went mad at her when she got home from work and mum forgot to bring the milk in once, he slapped her about big time when he got home from the pub! I ended up being terrified of my dad, at 11 yrs old. I begged my mum to leave him! Eventually she did.

He is a lot better now, 15 years on he has mellowed, hasnt raised his hand to anyone else, remarried. He gets pissed off at times, but just goes out for a walk. I have a better relationship with him now.

Your dd will be thankfull that she isnt living in WW3 anymore. It is much healthier and safer for you 2 to be apart and happier than boiling tempers when your together.

Again, I admire you on your strength.

Stay strong xx

Sakura · 28/05/2007 07:59

I only read as far as bananabump and felt I had to reply immediately. bananabump said she grew up wishing her mum and dad would separate and I grew up exactly the same. From when I was really tiny, I used to fantasize about who I would live with and who would get custody of me and my brothers. My point is, it really is in your DDs best interest to leave. But I know how scary that is (I just had a near escape with my DH recently because I thought he may be having an affair, and I had to contemplate how I would leave). It is a very scary thing to set the ball rolling. You must start rebuilding your self esteem. WHen you look at the average woman on the street, do you think she has to go home to this kind of thing? No, she doesnT.
I would do as much preparation behind the scenes as you can, like speaking to a solicitor and the like. Then just leave.
The only other option, if you still really love him and its too painful to leave, is to go to counselling, get him to go to anger-management counselling, or Relate. Is he reasonable enough to be persuaded to go to counselling or does he really believe his behaviour is totally normal.
Forget about whether it is you or he in the wrong. I know how it feels to blame yourself for the situation, but its really not you who is to blame.

LoveAngel · 28/05/2007 09:52

Your relationship sopunds absoulutely poisonous.
Either you both get help immediately or perhaps call it a day? That would be my advice.

purpleduck · 28/05/2007 10:14

Wasteofspace why does it make a diiference if dd sees you lose your cool? I'm confused ; I hope you leave as sometimes two people are ok on their own, but toxic together. PLEASE PLEASE don't let your dd grow up like this! Is a "broken" home really worse than being scared and anxious all the time? Good Luck

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