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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ashamed, upset, embarrassed, angry....

116 replies

wasteofspace · 25/05/2007 23:49

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OP posts:
wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:18

Lou - it started when he got home. He popped out to the shops and as he turned the car around, I saw him on his mobile. I went out to remind him that if he got caught doing that, he'd get another three points on his licence.

When he got back, he had a little rant about me wagging my finger at him in public (I wasn't angry and did smile as I was saying it but I can see it might be annoying). I supposed I should have apologised there and then but I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on making the dinner.

It just carried on from there really. He kept ranting, I fed DD and started watching TV. He came in, ranted, went upstairs, had a drink, came back ranted some more. The physical stuff was while ranting. I just ignored it and stayed calm. I nodded a few times and shook my head but didn't trust myself to speak as I didn't want to lose my temper.

I suppose he felt he was being ignored and just didn't like it. I didn't feel like rewarding him for his tantrum...

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fireflyfairy2 · 26/05/2007 00:19

Aw sweetheart.

Why was he pulling your ear & bashing your head with the remote control?

It sounds mad.

Your poor dd The wee pet, imagine her knowing she has to protect you.

I am not judging you pet, you need to make a plan & either leave or make him leave. It's not fair.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/05/2007 00:19

Clearly the you cant leave things as they are. But you know this.

I get the impression that his 4 hours of goading a response from you is because he thinks you care more if you respond at a higher more agressive/physical level. Why that may be, who knows. Thats for a professional counsellor to get to the bottom of with him.

This relationship is damaging to all of you, and the fact remains that the least amount of upheaval for your DD would be for your DH to go, until such time you both have counselling/anger management courses.

He did goad you, and your response was understandable, so dont feel like you are totally at fault here.

I am incredibly concerned that you have any doubt in your mind at all though, that you should be more unreasonable than he was being, because its quite clear to all that he was.

bananabump · 26/05/2007 00:20

When I was little I remember sitting at the top of the stairs peeping through the bannisters while my Dad screamed at my Mum and smacked her glasses off her face etc. Mum had a big dent in her forehead from where he'd punched her in the face earlier in the marriage. Sometimes they wouldn't speak for six weeks at a time and I'd have to pass messages back and forth.

I know so many people grow up wishing their parents hadn't seperated, but I grew up desperately wishing they had. Some people just aren't right for each other, and the fact that he's like that around your daughter suggests he's out of control and will get increasingly violent. You don't sound surprised by his behaviour, I take it he's been like this before?

I know it's horrible when you post a thread like this and everyone says "leave him!" and you know it'd be so hard to do, and some part of you still loves him etc but you need to do what's right for your dd, because if he hits you so easily, when she starts talking back in a few years, he'll start with her.

Go to family/friends with your baby and leave him to think about what he's done. Sod the toilet, let it be his problem! I really hope this is the last episode like this you'll have to endure, poor thing.

mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:20

you are not wrong to blame him. you have recognised your temper has been an issue and you have taken steps to alter that behaviour. tonight was a matter of extreme provocation.

you should be proud of yoru efforts to change btu you should also recognise your partners reluctance to make teh same behaviour changes.

you do need a fresh start, you do need to remove yourself from a situation that is harming both you and yoru daughter.

please call Womens aid for some advice. theyw ill nto pressurise you into doing anything you dnt feel happy with but they will explain your options and give you a shoulder.
0808 2000 247

fireflyfairy2 · 26/05/2007 00:21

X posts.

You did nothing wrong!

You reminded him he was breaking the law. So you get a slap/shove for it.

Where is he now?

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:21

Hunker - I think it has gone beyond counselling. I can't even get him to the doc (I think he has depression) so Relate will be nigh on impossible. No, unfortunately my parents would not be supportive. They caught us in the middle of one of his ranting sessions when I was pregnant, and Dad's words were "You've made your bed".

I'm on my own so it's down to me to get my finances together to move out. Think I will be able to in a few months. It's just the physical stuff that DD has witnessed that's made me think I should pack my bags a little more urgently...

OP posts:
MNersThisIsBigMother · 26/05/2007 00:23

most definately not judging you but I am worried for you and your dd. There are women here so much more capable of advising you so I will leave to them. I've read their comments, please trust them and take care.

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:23

He's sleeping. I'm feel utterly useless and bereft. This is truly the meaning of wallowing in self-pity [weak smile]

OP posts:
mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:24

thats exactly why i also think you should leave straight away.
you can stay at a refuge for 6 months, during which time you can organise yrou finances.

but meanwhile btoh you and your DD will be safe

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:24

Bananabump - that sounds truly awful for you

I bet your Mum never hit back though. The person I feel most angry with is myself. Why on earth did I feel the need to confront him?

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Busybean · 26/05/2007 00:25

but like someone else said. there are refuges for women like you, consider asking them for help please

DixiePixie · 26/05/2007 00:27

WoS, please stop blaming yourself. I am frankly amazed and full of admiration for your self-restraint during all the provocation you had to endure tonight. You are not being self-pitying. You do not deserve this.

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:28

I know I sound crap but I don't fear for DD. It's me he hates. In between ranting at me, he was very sweet to her and not at all aggressive. He did keep repeating that Mummy was his enemy. Poor little thing didn't understand and kept repeating it.

It was the bemused look on her face that was the worst thing. She truly couldn't comprehend what was happening and I felt so guilty. I had to witness some stuff between my parents (I used to hear what I thought was furniture moving about at night) and then my Mum would come to my bed and cuddle up to me and cry.

When I warned DH that if he kept shouting someone could call the police, he said "Good, I can tell them how you're beating me up". I threw a carrot at him (we were using them to stop up the broken pipe).

God, this is starting to sound like a Monty Python sketch

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NappiesGalore · 26/05/2007 00:29

oh wos - f'kin hell. it sucks that your parents wont be of any help to you... but you do what you beleive is right and leave him when you can. just, please, dont let him or anyone lese make you think you are in any way being unreasonable in wanting a peaceful and 'normal' existance for yourself and your dd.
all the strength and best wishes in the world to you... i feel sure you have the strength in you to fix this, to get out and be free of this... good luck.

mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:29

becasue althoguh he has broken you enough to make you feel it is normal to recieve this sort of atreatment, he has not stopped you wanting to fight back, which is great as you still have that strength to leave.

NappiesGalore · 26/05/2007 00:32

stop balming yourself!! ffs, you felt the need to confront him b/c he made your dd feel she had to protect you from him!!
you realise how bad that is, rigfht??

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:32

Nappies - I'm ok with my parents' attitude because they didn't want me to marry him in the first place so I can understand them not wanting to pick up the pieces!

Mamazon - I do want to fight back. I feel guilty for it but you're right - that's what'll keep me doing in my determination to start again.

Thank the Lord for MN - so many good people helping me at such an ungodly hour! Gawd bless you lot

OP posts:
DixiePixie · 26/05/2007 00:35

You say that he was very sweet to your daughter during the rant.

I'm sorry, but putting her in a situation where she had to witness that and telling her that "mummy is the enemy" is being far from sweet to her. It seems the only person being good to your dd there was YOU by not rising to his provocation until she wasn't present. Please give yourself credit for this. I'm not sure that I would have been able to exercise such self-control.

I say this again. You do not deserve this. Neither does your dd. His behaviour is abusive and far in excess of what you say provoked it.

NappiesGalore · 26/05/2007 00:35

frankly wos - and that name is awful and indicative of how these bloody people have made you feel - your parents are just as bad for making you feel that you deserve this shit.

fuck them and anyone else who says that you or your dd deserve anything like this. for what? because you chose the wrong man? because you are human? b/c you make mistakes? b/c you fall in love??

please get help. please learn that you are worth a gazzillion time what anyone has ever made you feel...

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:35

LOL at balming yourself NG! I do blame myself for not leaving when I was pregnant, or when she was 2 months old, or last year, or last month...

I'm going to polish my halo now a bit but I have tried to help him in so many different ways - with his family, his job, his mid-life bloody crises. All I get in return is a regular name calling session "ugly bitch" and "elephant" being tonight's phrases of choice.

OP posts:
mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:35

you shouldn't be ok with yoru parents attitude. my parents hated my ex. they knew straight away what a twunt he was but i just couldnt see it.
i ended up being estranged from them for more than 2 years.

when i finally made the effort to speak with my parents they welcomed me back into their lives. i left my ex shortly after and they have been incredibly supportive ever since.

i dont think i am lucky, as i would hoe this is how all parents should treat their children. you may not like the decisions your child makes but you should support them anyway.

You may be surprised in as much as they know what he is like and if you say your leaving they may help you as much as they can to get you away from teh situation

mamazon · 26/05/2007 00:37

the guilt is normal. i still feel incredibly guilty for not leaving earlier.
my ds had to witness the viollance all his life, but i left when Dd was 10 weeks old becasue i didnt want her to go through what Ds had.

i know its not true but in my head i feel like i must love my dd more because i could leave for her but not for him.

its silly of course but thast just how i feel at times.

bananabump · 26/05/2007 00:38

WOS, my Mum didn't hit back no, but it was a bit different. He was/is a very aggressive man, bigger in every dimension than her, and she was always tiny and timid. He used to make her cry instead of lash out, she was too worn down to be angry, really.

You have no reason to be angry with yourself, you're being pushed to the limits and you're only human. No-one is shocked when a cornered dog bites, but we are supposed to endure and endure... it's unnatural.

Are you sure your dad wouldn't care if you told him you feared for your safety, and that of your child? Wouldn't they let you at least stay there this weekend to get some space to think?

wasteofspace · 26/05/2007 00:40

DixiePixie - I know you're right. I've said countless times that losing his rag will only damage DD. He's always sorry and to be fair to him, this is the first time in ages.

Still, for many reasons - this being the most pressing right now - I don't feel I have a future with this man. I was going to bide my time until I was able to afford renting somewhere but now I am injecting myself with some Nappies rage, I will get myself some balls and call his bloody buff - "pack your bags and leave"!

[tiniest bit of self-doubt creeping in]

Are you sure I have the right to ask him to leave? After all, it was my rage that caused lasting damage so to speak?

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