Page 4 | ashamed, upset, embarrassed, angry....

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:03

Thank you for the link Hunker - I nearly rang them once before but will definitely try to get onto them sometime tomorrow when DH has hopefully buggered off somewhere.

Thank you all so so very much - I can't tell you how much you've done for me (and DD) tonight xx

mamazon · 26/05/2007 01:04

and my situation was just like yours. there were ocasions when teh violance woudl escelate but in the main it was things just like you have desrcibed.

i went through different tactics to try and end teh violance as soon as i could. sometimes i would hit back, others i wuld cry or try and get away....none worked.

the actual details of the violance may change from person to person but the core problem and the emotions attached are teh same for each and every one of us.

please dont feel guilty or embarassed.

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:05

Am going on the refuge site now. Might give them a ring tonight whilst all is quiet.

I promise to keep hold of the rage Nappies - thank you for reminding me of my own strength

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:09

Thank you Mamazon - I think I have finally given up on him now It's not so much for me - he's obviously unhappy with me and I feel like I have an obligation to DD to ensure she has two happy parents even if they live apart.

I will need to keep coming back to this thread to try to remind myself that I'm not in the wrong and I definitely deserve better.

serenity · 26/05/2007 01:09

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. I'm another one from a home that was infinitely better once it was 'broken' Deep, deep down I'm ashamed to say that there's a little bit of me that's still really angry with my Mum for never having the balls to stand up to my Dad (the marriage even ended on his terms, not on her finally having enough and kicking his miserable controlling backside out)

Loving HMs analogy too.

There are a lot of people talking sense on here. please take their advice and find a way to end this. It's not healthy for any of you.

Good Luck x

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:13

Thank you Serenity. I've always been adamant that I want DD growing up knowing that a woman need not sacrifice herself at the altar of her husband in order to feel good about herself. That's what my Mum did and it seems I'm following in her footsteps.

I certainly don't want DD doing the same. I hope she won't judge me for leaving but at the same time, that's better than her judging me for staying and therefore ruining her life as well as mine.

hunkermunker · 26/05/2007 01:21

She won't judge you for leaving. Well, she might when she's a teenager, but fgs, what teenager doesn't think their parents are just wrong about everything - she'll come out of that though.

Doesn't bear thinking about how she'd be if you stayed and she witnessed what she did tonight over and over again though.

Hope you're on the phone atm.

You're strong, you CAN do this.

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:25

I can't find the fecking number on the website

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:26

Oh dur - it's at the top!

wifeofwasteofspace · 26/05/2007 01:37

Can't get through at the moment and don't want to leave my number on the answerphone.

I will try again tomorrow but I'm at a loss as to what I will say. I still feel sure they will tell me that the violence problem is mutual rather than exclusively his. Call me a twunt if you must...

I think I'm asking about accommodation. I'm not frightened exactly but I'm not sure how I will handle any more physical stuff. I've told him I will gladly pack my stuff and leave but really don't want DD to end up in a tug of war. On the other hand, I don't want to have to call the police to ask him to leave but am totally preparing myself for that possibility.

God, why is this so difficult? What I wouldn't give for a measured calm conversation with him about a formal separation...fat chance

[please don't feel the need to post in reply, am just having another self-indulgent vent!]

Uki · 26/05/2007 08:13

Dear Wasteofspace

Please understand that you are not in any way contributing or part of his anger problem.

You sound like you have already lost alot of your self esteem to be blaming yourself, his behaviour is completely unacceptable, whether or not you get angry back, If fact i'd have to say it's probably good you get a little angry back as it means you have some self esteem left, but You are in a very dangerous situation, as he may snap.

Unfortunately I have just seen and nearly lost two friends to domestic violence both were very smart and attractive women, but their partners had taken all their self esteem through physical and emotional abuse (constant name calling and degrading) takes even longer to heal from.

Please ring the helpline and tell people in real life, you will not be judged, it is not your fault. These men can snap, it is very dangerous.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, please report it. Please don't stay there, you are not safe. He needs serious help, it will become worse.

Does he use drugs/alcohol?

sandcastles · 26/05/2007 08:47

I think DD puts her arms around me and says "I don't let Daddy hurt you Mummy would be enough for me to leave, tbh. Your dd has witnessed far more than she needs to & knowing that daddy is capable of hurting mummy will leave it's own after effects.

Sod the toilet, never let your dd be witness to this again. She is obv old enough to know what he is capable of & will have her own issues trusting him.

Dior · 26/05/2007 09:28

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 26/05/2007 09:38

sorry i just saw your reply to me

so because you wageed your finger he behaved like that?!

thats ridiculously ott

how do you stand it?

TillyBeany · 26/05/2007 09:55

WOWOS just wanted to send u a big hug..was in a very similar situation a few years back myself..my dd also felt the need to protect me from her bullying dad on a number of occasions even though she was only 3..I also tried everything in those situations including hitting back (not in front of dd)The day I left he even phoned the police and tried to tell them I was abusing him and then phoned everyone I knew to say I was a violent bully..in the end though I got out and you can too..don't berate yourself about how long it takes just know it is possible and gradually you'll realise you are worth so much more than the life you have right now..and know that there are plenty of people who are ready to listen (not judge) and wish you and your dd happiness

BandofMothers · 26/05/2007 09:57

Hope you're still feeling strong this am
I have read this thread and want to add my voice, tho it's saying the same as all the others.
This man is a bully. He drove you to push him, but so what. I would've snapped when he poked my head with the remote control if I hadn't already done so. The fact that he is bringing your dd into this by actually addressing her with things like Mummy is my enemy is very telling. He is willing to use her against you and I think that shows a very dangerous tendency. What else will he tell her, or do to her, or make her do, in order to hurt you.
It is never ok to use children like this to get at your wife/husband. It's cruel.

I don't think you've said how old your dd is. I was 12 when my rather nasty stepdad beat my mum up. She left taking me with her, but before she could get out he used to tell me things about her that were totally inappropriate. I used to go to her and tell her what he'd said of course. My loyalty lay with her 100%.
I know he is her dad, but that just makes him involving her even worse. Is she old enough to understand what he is saying. I'm guessing from what she said, and how you worded her sentence that she is not that old, maybe 3 or 4, if that.

If you told the plumber what happened do you think you, or your H would be the more embarrassed?? I think HIM.

Stay strong, and swot up on your rights then get rid of him. I don't think you need to worry about him getting your dd, if he threatens trying to get her, which he knows will hurt and scare you so he probably will.
You sound strong and I hope you get out. There are so many women who don't seem able.
I hope you can, I refer you to this thread, to give you some perspective. This woman is pushed so far and I think when /if you read this you will be willing her to push back like you did.
Be proud that you stood up for yourself.
Yes perhaps it wasn't the best way, but tbh I think you showed more self restraint than most people would. After all if any one else did this to you, would you put up with it?? Doubtful, so why should you from him?? Because he's your husband?? The man who promised to love and cherish, thru anything??

BandofMothers · 26/05/2007 10:01

Gosh, what a rant Sorry Hope you made it thru that big post.

YeahBut · 26/05/2007 10:17

This man is physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive. You need to get out of this relationship and anyone with half a brain will be cheering you on when you do. Good luck.
Practical stuff - put together a file with bank details, credit card numbers and statements, birth certificates and passports (for you and your dd). Put it together with a suitcase of essential clothing for you and your dd, plus any special toys etc that you might need in the event that you need to make a quick getaway. Start keeping a record of all his bad behaviour towards you, dates & times, what he says or does. Is there anywhere you can go for a couple of days with your dd and without your d(ha!)h to give you a chance to clear your head and think things through?
Definitely get in touch with Refuge, the CAB and a family law solicitor who can give you advice. Not sure about the position in England, but in Scotland there is legislation which allows for the removal of a partner from the family home, even if they own the property or hold the lease, if it protects the other partner and children. An option worth bearing in mind.

harman · 26/05/2007 10:29

Message withdrawn

bananabump · 26/05/2007 11:13

How are things today, wowos?

pirategirl · 26/05/2007 11:21

ok, i havent read all the replies,

but when you said its not abuse, dont quote me , but pushing a remote into your forehead is abuse, and the pinching etc, I am so shocked, this is blatantly wrong.

I'm sorry but you need to get away from each other, if you both have tempers, and do this around your little one. You say thelittle one doesnt see stuff, or hasnt seen stuff, but why then would she reactr by trying to protect you.

They know, I know this for a fact.

He sounds like a spoilt child, and it's bringing out the worst in you.

wow, I dont think i could stay in this environment.

wombat2 · 26/05/2007 11:59

OMG, your post could have been written by me a couple of years ago. My ex sounds IDENTICAL to your h. Get out of this situation now. I too felt bad about hitting my ex back on one or two occasions and he too made a really big deal of it, after he had literally beaten me with his fists and other implements hundreds and hundreds of times over an 8 year period. The safety and mental health of you and your daughter are the most important things here - do not justify your h's behaviour in any way, it is completely unacceptable.

BigGirlSupport · 26/05/2007 12:22

.

BigGirlSupport · 26/05/2007 12:24

It is common/usual for perpectrators of domestic violence to create a situation in which the victim feels it is her (or occasionally his) fault. @i behaved like this because you made me' It is common/usual for the victim to beleive this behaviour 'normal' - for the victim - it helps make sense of a situation which is hard to handle - to beleive it is what relationships are like, esp wheh children are involved, is a way of trying to mamaage guilt/confusion/loss of control - for the perpectrator, it helps to increase the power/control that is exerted subtly.

The power/control is the predoinant issue within domestically violent relationships. The perpetrator needs to feel that they have control of the relationship, to the point of verbal and physical violence, and it is extremely difficult to change this behaviour, and impossible without professional long term help.

It appears, from what you have said, that your 'temper' has been a defensive temper, which means it is not a temper at all, but a reaction to a situation which you cannot control. Not all victims are automaically passive and silent in their abusive relationship. It takes time for a perpectrator to break down the barriers. It sounds like you are in danger of this happeneing, if you are trying to 'keep calm' and 'not react'.

I am saying all this, as it is important to know that if you are in an abusive relationship, there are some things which are 'normalised' that should not be. And that you should really think about whether this does apply to you.

You need to leave. Women's refuges area great. Really they are. They will help you to look at what has happened in your relationship and make some sense of it all. If you really do feel you contributed negatively, they can help you look at this, or if it is that you have been made to feel this way by a relationship that is abusive, they can help you come to terms with that, and help you figure out how to move on with your daughter's best interests at the forefront.

For your daughter's safety, and her future happiness as a well balanced woman.

Ifonlyhewould · 26/05/2007 12:56

Thinking of you. Hope you are OK XX