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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am invisible to my husband.

104 replies

caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 14:20

I have been married to my husband for 6 years now. I am from Sydney and he is from Georgia and we met because we both used to work for the same company, and he came to Sydney for a work trip. This led to that, I went to Georgia, he came to Sydney, bada bing, bada bang he moved to Sydney to be with me in 2011. The reason he moved over here rather than me moving over there is because I have a son with a previous partner and can’t leave the country with him.
Anyway, we had a child together in April of 2012 and not long after that, our sex life started to suffer. Then we moved into our new house and I honestly can’t remember ever having sex to completion since moving here in 2013. Then he started rejecting me altogether. No sex, no affection, nothing. Now there is no affection, we are sleeping in separate beds and I have been trying for years to get him to talk to me, but he is refusing to. At one point, he went behind my back for 10+ months with his ex-girlfriend in Arizona and had an emotional affair...while I was begging him for attention and affection - and sitting by his side and holding his hand when he was sick in hospital. He doesn’t look at me or touch me, unless it’s to peck me on the lips to say goodbye. I don’t know what to do. How do I leave without even really talking to him? I don’t understand what I did wrong to deserve this.

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 02/07/2018 14:31

Does he know that you're at the point of calling it quits?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 14:34

Oh god, what a horrible situation. How does he get on with your child? Where would you want to move to?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2018 14:36

Actually it sounds as though he'd be happier if you separated. You're in Sydney now and want to stay in Sydney, is that it?

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:01

It's almost impossible to talk to him because he gets angry if I ask if we can have a conversation, so I sent him a message on FB asking him this past weekend if we could sit down and talk about our marriage and possibly separation, because I can't go on as things are. He ignored it, and then when I brought it up he shouted at me that he was sick, and then proceeded to clean the bathroom and go outside and play with our 6 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:02

Hi relationship with our eldest is horrible. He treats our son like a prince and his stepson (my son) like he isn't even part of the family. Another reason I want to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:03

Yes. I feel like he would rather separate too, but he denies it and then won't have a conversation with me. It's weird.

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:03

I'm sorry if I'm not answering messages properly.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 02/07/2018 15:05

I'd be telling him to get to fuck on the basis that he's emotionally abusing your son.

Have you spoken to your DS? Depends how old he is I suppose but he must be starkly aware of the difference in treatment.

HappyintheHills · 02/07/2018 15:07

Sounds like he doesn’t want to sort anything out.
I couldn’t tolerate that behaviour towards the elder child, surely it’s time to get out?

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:09

He is aware of it and I often intercept and take over when my husband is being ridiculous with him. He will seriously sit there and watch him, waiting for him to do something wrong. I heard yelling one day and went down to my son's bedroom and my husband had him backed into a corner and was screaming at him, while my son was in tears and terrified.

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Kingsclerelass · 02/07/2018 15:09

If he won’t talk to you, and ignores your fab post/email the next step is to ask him to leave. Or you and dd leave. You’ve tried repeatedly. What else can you do?

Are you the primary wage earner? If you divorce, can he stay in Australia?

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:10

That's the thing, I am trying to get out but he won't talk to me. I also suffer from manic depression, social anxiety and PTSD from a previous boyfriend who killed himself after we fought one night so I'm dealing with all of that on top of this.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 02/07/2018 15:11

If he’s treating your dcs differently, I’d end it. That’s abusive and unforgivable.

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:11

I'm not working at all at the moment. I will need to find somewhere to live with my 2 boys and get a full time job. Which is fine, I've been a single Mum before. It's just the logistics of it. I need time to organise it.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 02/07/2018 15:12

To be honest I’d consult a lawyer and then find somewhere else to live or change the locks. He’s using you

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:13

I understand I am responsible for keeping my son in this position. Believe me, I don't want him to go through this, I'm just trying to sort my head out and work out how to do everything.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 02/07/2018 15:13

Do you have close family who you could stay with while you sort yourself out?

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:15

Not without totally turning my sons' lives upside down. And leaving my husband will do that as it is. I think I just need to force the conversation and if I can't do that, then maybe get a mediator?

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:17

I'm so pissed off at myself. When I met him I owned my house outright and I was living a good life. I wouldn't give my youngest son back for anything, but I wish I had never married his Dad.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2018 15:32

I think you should stop attempting to get him to talk or mediation - he is just stonewalling you. Hire a solicitor and serve him with divorce papers. Good luck.

Trinity66 · 02/07/2018 15:33

How have you stayed so long is the question? You really need to get out for your own mental health, you deserve to be happy in life

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 15:44

I don't know how or why I have stayed this long. He told me that I wasn't a fit Mother and that I wouldn't be able to handle the boys on my own, but he is only home on weekends anyway, so that's exactly what I'm doing. I think I've just kind of been chipped away at over time and it's just gotten to the point that I don't think much of myself anymore.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2018 15:48

You and the boys will be so much happier without this emotionless leech in your home. Go and get your life back. You don't need his permission to divorce. You don't need to try and have a conversation about it first if he won't engage with you. Just do it.

Ohyesiam · 02/07/2018 15:51

Why do you need a conversation? He ignores you and would disagree with you. Actions speak louder than words, either change the locks and put his stuff outside, or leave with your sons.
Are there any refuges you could go to?

Jaxhog · 02/07/2018 15:52

I heard yelling one day and went down to my son's bedroom and my husband had him backed into a corner and was screaming at him, while my son was in tears and terrified.
This alone would have me leaving. Don't tell him you're thinking of leaving. Go and see a solicitor, get the options, then tell him. He won't believe you otherwise.