I am invisible to my husband.

[caffeinedrip]

I have been married to my husband for 6 years now. I am from Sydney and he is from Georgia and we met because we both used to work for the same company, and he came to Sydney for a work trip. This led to that, I went to Georgia, he came to Sydney, bada bing, bada bang he moved to Sydney to be with me in 2011. The reason he moved over here rather than me moving over there is because I have a son with a previous partner and can’t leave the country with him.
Anyway, we had a child together in April of 2012 and not long after that, our sex life started to suffer. Then we moved into our new house and I honestly can’t remember ever having sex to completion since moving here in 2013. Then he started rejecting me altogether. No sex, no affection, nothing. Now there is no affection, we are sleeping in separate beds and I have been trying for years to get him to talk to me, but he is refusing to. At one point, he went behind my back for 10+ months with his ex-girlfriend in Arizona and had an emotional affair...while I was begging him for attention and affection - and sitting by his side and holding his hand when he was sick in hospital. He doesn’t look at me or touch me, unless it’s to peck me on the lips to say goodbye. I don’t know what to do. How do I leave without even really talking to him? I don’t understand what I did wrong to deserve this.

I think I've just kind of been chipped away at over time and it's just gotten to the point that I don't think much of myself anymore.

Sounds like it's time fight to get yourself back again and you need to do that away from that man

You need to immediately get advice from a solicitor, as House was once in your name, and you must leave. Your poor son being bullied like that.

It sounds like he’s been emotionally abusing you for years, destroying your confidence and your independence. Perhaps start by speaking to a solicitor regarding a divorce and taking up a job so you have your own money. Don’t bother telling him, if he won’t talk to you then it’s none of his business. I believe what he’s been doing is called gaslighting. You definitely can do this on your own and you are a good mother. He’s the nasty, selfish and abusive monster who’s controlling you and is emotionally hurting a child (your eldest).

I know I don't need these things, but I would like things to be as amicable as possible. The house that I owned when we met was bought with my partner's life insurance, and now that I am married, he is entitled to half of all of that. I need to make sure that the boys and I are left with as much as possible of what I walked into this relationship with. I need to be sensible about this, I can't just take the boys and run or lock him out.

You (and your son) are being seriously abused. He's one sick bastard, your husband.

I don't know the system in Oz but there must be support for women (and children) who are being domestically abused. Get their support immediately - they will help you get not only your head straight but will help and assist you practically and legally.

This man is seriously sick. You have to get out asap - let the courts decide whether he should have access to his son

DO NOT tell him what you are planning. Pretend all is well. Do you have access to his bank statements etc?

Do you know how to cover your tracks online? I've been trying to find a link for you but for some reason it isn't loading - look at 'Women's Aid covering your tracks online'. This is important.

Keep posting. You must protect your son/children. You can get free - plenty of us on here have done it, so can you xx

I just looked up gas lighting and it sounds exactly like what he has been doing :(

I have control of all of the money/bank accounts/etc. I actually have a lady coming over tomorrow who is coming to talk about how she can help with services in the area for the boys and I. Because my husband just works away all week and comes home on weekends. It used to bother me that he worked so much, but I actually prefer it when he is gone now.

Is she a domestic abuse worker? Brilliant if so op

Good luck, you’re doing the right thing. I hope you find what you need in the meeting and build the steps you need to take to leave him.

I don't know much about Au law but it sounds as if he is abusive to your son, what about an injunction barring him from the house pending divorce?

I believe she is a go between type person between parents and the local council. They can help set you up with any services you may need, or looking for somewhere to live, etc.

Best of luck Op
You and your boys deserve so much more.
He will be entitled to some of the house, it may be that you have to sell, but can you book an appointment with a solicitor and find out what you can do next.
As you have primary care if both boys maybe you can stay in the house. Would you have enough equity to buy/pay him out? X

Unfortunately I put all of my equity into the house we have together :( I'm so angry at myself for doing it, because I loved it so much and I should have listened to my instincts and held onto it.

Just to be clear I'm not excusing or justifying his appalling behaviour ... but what are his rights to stay in Australia if you separate? What happens to child custody? I think working this out may help you work out what's motivating him.

If you separate presumably you are still tied to Australia due to your first son, so that ties you and the second child to Australia. Does he have the right to stay in Australia - and therefore near his child? Or is he staying with you for fear of losing his child? Is he angry/frustrated /abusive twat because he wants to go back to his ex but knows it means without his son (or would he fight for custody?). Likewise staying away is he having an affair but won't separate for similar reasons?

None of this excuses his behaviour especially to your first son but like I say maybe try and work out what's going on in his head - to help you plan you're next steps and move on.

I'm not sure exactly what his rights would be, yakari. That's one of the things that I need to find out to get the ball rolling.
You have no idea how often the scenario you're describing has run through my head. It's really the only reason that I can think of that is stopping him from breaking up with me, or rather, letting me break up with him. I know he is an Australian resident, but he is not an Australian citizen yet, so I'm not sure of the implications of that. He would never fight for custody because he knows he would never get it and would just end up losing more in the long run.
I know a lot of people on here are saying just kick him out, or just leave and take the kids, but as you obviously know, it's not as simple as that. This could potentially get quite messy, and divorces are hard enough on children without turning them into a battlefield. And I know people are saying don't bother talking to him, but at the end of the day he is my husband and I will get an explanation from him. This isn't somebody that I have no feelings for.

What a horrible mess, and I know Australia has very strict rules here more so than other countries.

I think you have to accept it's over but now work out what's the least damaging exit. And that's not easy to balance the potential impact in your first vs custody battles on your second (and please don't say he'd never do it - he might if it keeps him in Australia) vs financially protecting yourself.

You need to get legal advice around divorce, custody and immigration and then react. In the meantime how much can you disengage from him, and help your first son disengage?

Hopefully the lady you are seeing can point you to good local legal advice.

My heart goes out to you and the kids, especially the first.

You may not want it to turn nasty. You may want him to explain and be amicable and the split to be as simple as possible but it’s not just your decision. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to be nice, he may not want it to be amicable. He is likely to want as much of the money as possible. You cannot control what he wants. You need to get your ducks in a row, find out exactly where the law lies with the money in the house, his visa status, what access he may get.

He is very unlikely to become a cooperative man just because you want to split up. He abuses your eldest son - why is he going to become a good reasonable person?

Find out the legal situation and prepare for it to be awful.

43percentburnt I'm not silly, I understand that I can't control every situation, but I can control the way I choose to approach it and I choose to approach it respectfully, delicately (for the boys) and with as much information as humanly possible. Just because a separation/divorce isn't likely to end well, doesn't mean you have to start it off that way.

yakari I think I have accepted that it's over; I think I have known that for a long time. Regarding my first separation from my eldest's Dad - there was no custody battle. I moved out, got a full time job, full time care for my eldest son and then for the first couple of years we did week on/week off. Then when his Father moved further away he saw him once every second weekend. My current husband works away every single week and he would take weekend work as well (he does sometimes) if it didn't mean he had to miss spending time with our son. The reason I say that my husband would never go for custody is because he wouldn't get it. Plain and simple. As far as disengaging, we sleep in separate bedrooms, only see each other on weekends and there is no affection between us. As he is only home on weekends, he only sees my elder son on weekends and when he gets home I tell him to leave him alone and if something happens, I will handle it. I know what he did to my elder son is never acceptable, but at the same time, it's not something that is constantly happening. So now I need to see where I stand financially, see what happens to his Visa when we divorce, talk about custody arrangements and I guess go from there. Thank you for your respect whilst chatting with me yakari...I really appreciate it x

Post edited by MNHQ

I don’t think you are silly. I’ve been in a similar position and you often can’t see the wood for the trees. You think your actions may mean it remains friendly, you hope for the best in someone because you are a good person.

Can you find out if the shorter the marriage the more of the money you put in remains yours? Does he have a pension you could claim against?

OP
Not sure if you meant to put your sons names in your last post, if not you may want to report it so they remove it.
If he is an Aussie resident he can secure citizenship himself. However I am sure you are aware that it's expensive to do so.
You definitely do have a choice of how you handle the split and treat him, but of course you don't know what his motivations are, why he won't speak to you about it.
I only hope that you can get some answers out of him and you both can move forward.
You did it before (single mum) and I am so sure you can do it again no problem x

Caffeine, I've just reported your last message so HQ can delete the kids names. Just so it's not too identifying.

I think you are doing what you can in a horrible situation. I know many people on MN like to see immediate action. That's not always the way real life goes, especially with complex legal concerns like immigration. With his working away hopefully disengaging as much as you can is do-able - sounds like it is.

I worry that the relatively amicable nature of the separation with your eldest father is making you hope for similar with the youngest. Sadly that's not always the case so if it was me, i'd have to assume the worse especially until know ling the immigration situation. The thought of losing access to his child through deportation may make him act in all sorts of crazy ways.

Oh I know that he can be a really nasty, vindictive guy. I'm prepared for him to go after everything and I will fight back tooth and nail. But I will approach it respectfully to start with and only move forward if he makes me.
I could probably claim against his superannuation, but I'm not sure. I don't think the length of the marriage makes a difference.

Thanks callywags, I didn't mean to put their names in - I just kind of got lost in what I was saying. Is there any way to just edit the comment by any chance?
Yes, I definitely know that it is expensive to go through the whole Visa fiasco. It has already cost us (me) quite a lot of money. Money which I might be able to claim back? Who knows. I really hope that I can get some answers out of him too. If he is prepared to sit down and be totally honest - even if he says he's not in love anymore and is just stalling for the Visa or something...I really just want to know what the hell is going on. It's SO frustrating.

Thanks yakari, I didn't even realise I had said their names until I saw the responses.
I get that people on here want to see immediate action, but it really just adds to the stress and upset when there are people on here demanding that you kick somebody out, or move out yourself, or run to a refuge, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm here for the advice, but there is no need to push it on people and make what is already a stressful situation even worse.
My relationship with my eldest's Father is only amicable now. It was never atrocious, but he was very selfish and he would use my son to try to control my life. But my current husband is very different from him. He has it in him to lie to me, cheat on me, make me feel like garbage...I think I will be going into this one much more informed than last time, but also expecting it to be a lot messier.

Hi OP

I would get Mumsnet to change your OP too - it’s potentially very identifying - you can just say more general stuff like ‘Australia’ and ‘a different country’.

I think we all sympathise with you wanting to be adult and mature about this. You have a son together and negotiating this in a way that is the least damaging is important - and your intention to do that shows that you are a caring mother.

But - and there is a big but - your husband does not give a shit about this. Negotiation is a 2-way process. I’m not saying you should do anything drastic, but I am worried that you are expecting some sort of discussion/explanation from him. This is very unlikely and will be a waste of your energy. The best you can do is state clearly your needs - i.e this relationship is no longer acceptable to me and I am filing for divorce.

First step a lawyer to find out the situation - make sure you explain how he treats you elder son too - don’t be ‘nice’ about this, but honest and focussed. Tell a friend or family member who is supportive what you are doing. I agree this man has chipped away at your sense of self, but you are finding it again.