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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am invisible to my husband.

104 replies

caffeinedrip · 02/07/2018 14:20

I have been married to my husband for 6 years now. I am from Sydney and he is from Georgia and we met because we both used to work for the same company, and he came to Sydney for a work trip. This led to that, I went to Georgia, he came to Sydney, bada bing, bada bang he moved to Sydney to be with me in 2011. The reason he moved over here rather than me moving over there is because I have a son with a previous partner and can’t leave the country with him.
Anyway, we had a child together in April of 2012 and not long after that, our sex life started to suffer. Then we moved into our new house and I honestly can’t remember ever having sex to completion since moving here in 2013. Then he started rejecting me altogether. No sex, no affection, nothing. Now there is no affection, we are sleeping in separate beds and I have been trying for years to get him to talk to me, but he is refusing to. At one point, he went behind my back for 10+ months with his ex-girlfriend in Arizona and had an emotional affair...while I was begging him for attention and affection - and sitting by his side and holding his hand when he was sick in hospital. He doesn’t look at me or touch me, unless it’s to peck me on the lips to say goodbye. I don’t know what to do. How do I leave without even really talking to him? I don’t understand what I did wrong to deserve this.

OP posts:
callywags · 03/07/2018 07:31

Also reported

Lovely names BTW 😊
That's it take it at the pace you want, there are people that will want to see action right away, but it's your real life and up to you.
You sound like you have a strong head on your shoulders.
I can understand how frustrating it must be that he just won't speak to you, definitely stonewalling

callywags · 03/07/2018 07:36

And you should also be entitled to some of his super especially as you have been taking primary care of the kids, so he could work and contribute towards his retirement

rollingonariver · 03/07/2018 07:45

I think you're doing the right thing op. You need to sort yourself and your sons out first. He sounds very calculating so you need to be too.
Good luck to you ❤️

Laylajaney · 03/07/2018 07:56

Sounds like he is amost just there for the convienience of the situation .
Someone to look after his sons .
You deserve so much more .

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 07:56

Hi FelicityFelicitas,

I actually altered the places we lived, so that's not a problem for me. If they want to taken them out, it's all good though.

I'm honestly not expecting anything from him at all, because that is all he has delivered in 5 years. If I even ask to have a conversation, he loses his temper. He is so utterly ridiculous about it, I can't even fully explain it. Last week, I sent him a message on FB on the Friday that I wanted to have a conversation over the weekend about formally separating. So I did what I always do and waited for him to come to me, which never happens. So I just went to him and and asked if we could talk now. He yelled at me and said he feels sick and has a headache and then went off and cleaned the bathroom and played outside with the kids! Pathetic.
So I know that my husband does not give a shit about this, but I give a shit about not hurting my children and although I will be mature and respectful going into it, I will also be ruthless and do as much as I can for my boys and myself, because they are the only people I care about now.
So. This weekend I will give him the benefit of asking for a conversation and in the meantime, I will do some research and start getting my ducks in a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 08:01

OMG callywags, it is honestly the most FRUSTRATING thing I have ever been through. I've had conversations with people who have just lied straight to my face (he has done that also, obviously) but I think having somebody just out and out refuse to talk altogether is easily the most freaking infuriating thing I have EVER experienced!

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 08:01

callywags - Good to know, thank you!

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 08:02

rollingonariver - Thank you, I really appreciate it x

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 08:04

Laylajaney - Yeah it really feels like it a lot of the time. It's great that he works so hard, but I'm under no illusions that he's doing it for me and the kids. He love earning money and then telling me how hard he works, how many hours he works, etc, etc.

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FelicityFelicitas · 03/07/2018 08:09

It’s a shame you’re not in Sydney - I pictured you in a wonderful waterfront property in Pierpoint Smile

You sound as if you have your head screwed on right Caffeine. Taking the first step is nearly always the hardest - but I think you’re on a roll now.

Sisgal · 03/07/2018 08:09

It's sounds like to me that you have made your decision and know what you want/need to do. You seem very clear headed and focused and through all of your upset and worry, you are coming across as a strong woman. You said it yourself, you pretty much raise your boys by yourself as your H works away during the week. I think a lot of women can appreciate the feeling of being like a single mum even they have a partner/H. I think you are handling this really well and commend you for trying to be mature/amicable/civil about this from the offset. Your H sounds like a horrible man and a father. Keep putting yourself and your boys first and you won't go wrong.

Shambu · 03/07/2018 08:13

And I know people are saying don't bother talking to him, but at the end of the day he is my husband and I will get an explanation from him.

You will never have an explanation and you need to accept that. You can't even get a conversation out of him.

There's no point repeatedly trying to discuss divorce with him - you anf even given a clear picture of his behaviour. Be smart: get yourself a good lawyer, work out a plan and then present him with a fait accompli.

Shambu · 03/07/2018 08:14

^^

you anf even given a clear picture

you have given

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 08:36

FelicityFelicitas - If only I could afford something like that! I am starting to really get some ideas flowing after posting on here, so I'm really glad that I did. I'm really thankful to all of you for your advice and suggestions.

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Blondebakingmumma · 03/07/2018 08:46

You don’t need to have a conversation with him. When he goes out change the locks, email him that it’s over and you have made a hotel reservation for him for the night so he can plan where to stay in the future.
Seek legal advice. You need to do this for your children

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 09:03

Sisgal - Thank you very much, I really appreciate the support. At first I was feeling sorry for myself, but it was getting me nowhere so now I just need to do something about it. The more I talk about it, the more excited I am about having a life that is mine again.

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 09:08

Shambu - I appreciate that you are trying to help. However, if I sit down and talk to him about it, tell him my intentions and what I would like to happen, then later on when we are dealing with lawyers I can say that I did exactly that. I don't need to accept anything; especially from somebody who knows neither me, nor my husband. I am not expecting to learn the meaning of life from him. But I don't believe in petty behaviour when it comes to separation and divorce; it sets a terrible example for your children and inevitably gets you nowhere.

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 09:11

Blondebakingmumma - I do need to have a conversation with him, because this is my situation, and this is the way I am choosing to deal with it. I won't however, be brushing it off this time if he chooses not to talk. As I said in previous responses, I will be getting my ducks in a row so that I can start moving forward. Changing the locks, emailing him and telling him our 6 year marriage is over and making a hotel reservation for him is petty behaviour in the extreme. Behaviour like that will only serve to damage my chances at getting full custody and I will lose respect from taking those kinds of actions. This isn't a Hollywood movie. It's my life. It's doesn't need to be dramatic for it to be effective.

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Sisgal · 03/07/2018 09:14

It's a really positive sign that you are excited about the future. That shows that you are ready to put the past behind you. Good for you! Everyone deserves to be happy in life. I wish you all the best

Blondebakingmumma · 03/07/2018 09:33

I feel for you, I really do. You said you have tried to have a conversation with DH in the past and he has ignored you. You have also put in writing that you want to separate and have a conversation and again he has ignored you. I doubt you are going to get the conversation you dearly want and believe it sounds like you have tried really hard to communicate with him. I think at this point moving forward it’s not petty, but one of the few options you have to make him see you mean business and talk to you. If you aren’t ready by all means get all your ducks in a row first

Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 09:44

Sisgal - Thank you very much!

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Original poster
caffeinedrip · 03/07/2018 09:55

Blondebakingmumma - Everybody has their own way of dealing with things. If I do things your way, he can call the police for being locked out of his own house, which would then be noted down somewhere, which would then work against me when it comes to custody arrangements, because I have already proven that I am immature and unreliable.
You can patronize me about 'getting my ducks in a row' all you like, but doing things your way would have disastrous consequences, and could even burn bridges that I may need in the future. Locking him out, emailing him and TELLING him how things are going to go and then making a hotel reservation for him is a direct way to ensure that whomever gets our case (should it lead to that) notes a lack of integrity on my behalf, a high disregard to my children's mental health by engaging in such drama fueled interactions with my husband and an unwillingness to work together. This is NOT how to handle this situation.
I really REALLY hope that you choose not to do this, if the situation ever arises.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2018 10:24

Hi caffeine great to hear that you are excited about the future. This is very positive. You know your situation and what you need to do, I just wanted to wish you well with everything going forwards. Do things at your own pace and keep us posted!

Myheartbelongsto · 03/07/2018 10:40

Your poor son, why are you allowing him to be treated like this?!

Just for that alone I'd be running.

Myheartbelongsto · 03/07/2018 10:45

Just read that he backed your son into a corner screaming in his face.

Honestly you need to get rid of him. You are a mother and you should be protecting your children and worry less about being amicable.