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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband throwing me out immediately

136 replies

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 08:22

We’ve been arguing all weekend and he’s emptied all my drawers and told me to get out. I tried to call my boss but he just spent the whole call screaming at me, I couldn’t hear her. He threw my phone on the floor in an attempt to break it because he couldn’t access it.

He’s taken my children to his mum and dads. I have no one. His parents say I don’t give him attention, I work more than full time hours!

I don’t mean to drip feed but it’s been a decade of hideous cheating (it would blow your mind) and I’m still recovering from discovering more women including one from school, one from a swingers website and a prostitute.

I’d love to say I’m a troll but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been ground down so much I hate myself and who I have become. I feel like a fucking shadow of myself.

I don’t know where to go in the immediate.

I have money - all the money, as it happens

OP posts:

didofido · 02/07/2018 09:53

PuddlesofBud.

What a daft thing to say! OP's husband may be the school whore too, but so perhaps is the woman.
She doesn't get a free pass and a halo just because she's female.

MissEliza · 02/07/2018 09:55

Surely you have tenant rights as you've lived there for a significant length of time. Don't leave the house and contact the council or Shelter for advice . You need to speak to the police and get a free initial half hour session with a solicitor. Take the kids from your ILs.
Most important you need to get out of this marriage. It's bad for the dcs and life is too short.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 02/07/2018 10:04

If the WA drop in has a solicitor there(my local one does) you can get some basic legal advice. You'll certainly get some emotional support. Something similar happened to me, so have some unmumsnetty hugs.

My WA will just give a list of solicitors who do legal aid cases, not ones that are shit hot at this sort of abuse.

Original poster

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 10:06

I’ve just requested viewings on two flats, I’m on it

OP posts:

Sinkingswimmer · 02/07/2018 10:07

As others have said, get legal advice fast.

You shouldn't worry about this right now but regarding your problem of working vs childcare, there is always a way.
My 'D'H has depression and abuses alcohol to cope. I work shifts and would come home from an afternoon, or occasionally a night shift, to find him drunk while in charge of our child. As DS was asleep H couldn't see the problem. But it terrified me. He thought he could just keep on doing it because I needed him for childcare. In the end I spoke to my work and switched onto dayshifts. This is a temporary ongoing arrangement until I can sort things out with childcare to allow me to work shifts again.

Though my situation is different, the point is you don't have to give up work, there will be a way to sort things so they work for you. Could you speak to your boss to see if you could change your hours or something? Don't assume she will say no.

Stop relying on him, take control and don't let him think he can call the shots. Otherwise you'll be working and seeing your kids sometimes on days off if you're lucky. Time to fight your corner. Good luck!

Shiftymake · 02/07/2018 10:08

Sending you a great big virtual hug. You have been given the best course of action at this moment: Police, stay put, legal advice, WA. Take this for what it is, the drop that overflowed the cup, you have reached your breaking point and he has now set in motion something that is actually better for you and the kids. What I do not understand is why would you need to quit work, with your issues could you take some sick leave? My mother was widowed when me and my brother where younger than your kids, she maintained her full time job and ran her own business on the side. The way she got around childcare is by having 2 different ladies that would look after us when she was working the long shifts. One was the professional who would do set days and the other one was last minute babysitter type, young girl that lived nearby. No family as everyone was on the other side of the world and my fathers family turned their backs on all of us for 3-4 years after his death until just before we moved back to my mother's family. Point is, you can do this,

ohtheholidays · 02/07/2018 10:23

Helpme2018 Please ring the Police and ring them now!!

Take this advice from someone who has been in that abusive marriage,helped 2 women escape Husbands that would have killed them and as someone who is now Married to a Police Officer!

None of this is your fault it's all his and his Parents sound as FUCKED UP AS HE IS!!

Tell the Police about the abuse,that you fear for your life and for the safety of your DC and tell them he's taken your DC and moved them to a household that is not safe for your DC!

xbeex · 02/07/2018 10:24

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. Your husband is a sex addict and he's throwing every manipulative and abusive tactic he can at you. It's important you make yourself safe and start learning about this addiction.

Also determine who your safe people are. I spoke to the wrong people and it can have disastrous consequences.. his parents for example..terrible response from them!

It sounds like your discoveries have been over a long space of time, the drip feed of disclosures and emotional abuse causes betrayal trauma in you which can turn to chronic PTSD if there is continued trauma spanning months/years.

The best thing you can do is get away from this man, he is in denial and will continue to act out and be aggressive towards you. He is trying to manipulate, gaslight, turn all attention away from him and keep you under his control.

an addict with stop at nothing to keep their secrets. He will continue to be like this until he is in active recovery. But it sounds like you need to get out way before that happens.

Nothing changes if nothing changes OP... get out now and look after you, he sounds like he is in deep xxx

Original poster

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 10:39

I don’t even know if I am just blinded by the way my mum dealt with the same shit over the years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 10:40

I’m going to women’s aid today

OP posts:

OurMiracle1106 · 02/07/2018 10:43

helpme from someone who got out of not an dissimilar situation today is the first day of the rest of your (much improved) life. Sure there will be hard dark days to come but this I can promise you now one day maybe a year or two from now you will look back and be so glad you did it!! You’re doing amazingly well already.

Women’s aid will advise and support you. And please please report to the police ASAP.

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2018 10:44

You've had great advice on here OP. Women's Aid and Victim.Support will help. You don't have to know it all about lawyers and remedies, they will guide you through it all. Good luck. You will get through all this then have a new life away from this fool and his stupid family

Ivymaud · 02/07/2018 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/07/2018 10:50

Can you not pick up your children from school this afternoon? Get there early and invent a dentist's appointment? You need your children to be with you - if you allow him to have them for even the shortest period of time, you are essentially saying that's OK.

xbeex · 02/07/2018 10:51

We all deal with situations the best way we can when we are in them, it is only with hindsight that we can start to understand them.

Emotional abuse that happens over a very long period of time and especially if the perpetrator is our caregiver or loved one, it can have a profound effect on the way we see the world and ourselves. This is why you need time away from his behaviour, so you can understand your needs and wants.

He has given you an opportunity to take back some control. Get some space from him today. i am on a secret support group for women of Sex addicts. PM me if you would like me to add you for support from woman who are going through it too xxx

eggncress · 02/07/2018 11:05

Well done OP. Women’s Aid are great. You’ll feel very supported by them.
Keep your chin up.

diddl · 02/07/2018 11:13

"That I work so much it doesn’t allow him to work more than he does?! "

Well a couple can both work full time if they want-so the above doesn't really work unless you want him to do school pick ups as you can't & don't want to pay for after school care.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2018 11:15

Well done op, you are so strong and wonderful. In time you will realise that he did you a massive favour, and you have shed 12 stone of baggage .

AlwaysSleepy1 · 02/07/2018 11:18

OP have you considered going to your local councils housing team.- they can support you with finding a new property quick or worst case put you up in a b&b with the little ones as you are technically homeless if he has kicked you out. Depending on how safe you feel could you go back and get everything together/prepared then pull the rug from under him?

ijustwannadance · 02/07/2018 11:19

Have you posted about him before op? Sounds familiar with the whole losing jobs/theft bit.

You say he'd get full time work to screw you over with child care but that would also mean he would have money to pay towards the child care.

Don't leave you job. It's a great lifeline.

If your mum put up with similar shit and you grew up in it then you will think it's normal or just how marriage is. Your kids will be seeing that too.

Be strong. You can do it.

Original poster

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 11:22

No afraid not ijustwannadance but it’s horrid to think there’s more out there like him

I would probably rely on the afterschool club at best.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 11:22

My boss has been in touch to say she’ll leave work whenever if we want to chat

OP posts:

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/07/2018 11:45

Helpme, you seem to be pretty clear headed for someone who's had such a shock, so congratulations. You are getting such good advice. I wish Mumsnet had been there when I needed it all those years ago. You appear to hold most if not all of the cards. So go forward with at least some confidence.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/07/2018 11:45

My boss has been in touch to say she’ll leave work whenever if we want to chat

She sounds lovely. Don't be shy to grasp her offer with both hands. Having some real life support could be invaluable to you as could an understanding boss who knows what you're having to deal with.

Original poster

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 11:47

Prawn to be honest I was shitting myself posting on here so I’m grateful

OP posts:

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