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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband throwing me out immediately

136 replies

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 08:22

We’ve been arguing all weekend and he’s emptied all my drawers and told me to get out. I tried to call my boss but he just spent the whole call screaming at me, I couldn’t hear her. He threw my phone on the floor in an attempt to break it because he couldn’t access it.

He’s taken my children to his mum and dads. I have no one. His parents say I don’t give him attention, I work more than full time hours!

I don’t mean to drip feed but it’s been a decade of hideous cheating (it would blow your mind) and I’m still recovering from discovering more women including one from school, one from a swingers website and a prostitute.

I’d love to say I’m a troll but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been ground down so much I hate myself and who I have become. I feel like a fucking shadow of myself.

I don’t know where to go in the immediate.

I have money - all the money, as it happens

OP posts:
JamSandwiches45 · 02/07/2018 08:51

Go to a hotel, call the police, hire a lawyer. Don't waste time on a bloody forum.

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 08:51

There’s so many issues

We don’t own the home
It’s his parents (I know)

He is the main carer of the children
They are 7 and 9(asd)

I have never been well since last year, I found out more indescresions last year and my dad and Gran died all at the same time. His parents first reaction was to say “well I never have him any attention”

We went to marriage counselling, we had individual counselling, he went to CBT. He holds it in high regard but I have never seen any benefit.

He lacks empathy hugely, I don’t think I’ve ever met such a human.

At the weekend I noticed one of his ex-OW was intending to come to my place of work. I would be leading the session and she doesn’t know I work there (in fairness she didnt know about me) so this is just a terrible coincidence. It’s thrown me sideways because I don’t know how to deal with it, I can’t exactlh say sorry I’m not providing you with my services as I am employed there.

I wasn’t coping about it this morning and he tried hugging me but wouldn’t let me go no matter how many times I tried to pull away. I had to use strength to get away from him. It wasn’t that caring hug, none of it ever is. He tries to love bomb me to make things better. He kept arguing with me suggesting my boss tells the said woman not to come (wtf) sometimes it’s these things that make me realise how little grasp of reality he has in the world.

I was crying while trying to straighten my hair, he started talking to me and I was just so broken I couldn’t take anymore, I threw my straightener and told him to leave me alone and he said I needed sectioned.

The arguing continued and he emptied my drawers and screamed at me to get out. I called my boss but he kept going . I think he thought what he was screaming in the background would somehow make me look like the bad guy, when he just sounded abusive. I am close to my boss. She’s always looked out for me

Because I pushed him after he threw my phone (after withholding it from me) he now uses that as me being aggressive.

To be honest I’ve only been around because if I have to leave I’m
On the breadline, I couldn’t work anymore and I just didn’t want that life.

And here I am

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 08:52

Don't waste time on a bloody forum

It’s not even 9am give me a chance

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 08:55

I just expect people to suggest it’s my own fault for sticking around when I can’t even count anymore how many times he’s ruined me.

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 02/07/2018 08:56

It may be his parents house, but it's your home.

I hope you have luck with the police and a get good legal advice.

needtimealone · 02/07/2018 08:56

Gosh I'm so so sorry

Notquitegrownup2 · 02/07/2018 08:57

No expert but you need to contact Women's Aid to discuss this. If he is the main carer, he may have a case for custody. Would he want that/fight to keep the kids? It can take a while to get through to them - can you take a day off work to sit on the phone to them and to get a good family solicitor sorted out (people on here will recommend, if you are able to give your approximate area).

Wishing you all the best.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/07/2018 09:01

I just expect people to suggest it’s my own fault for sticking around

Then you're in for a pleasant surprise. You won't be the first and unfortunately you won't be the last to go through this. You'll find plenty of people who know exactly what the score is and can empathise with you. Cheating, bullying, gaslighting both from him and his parents - it's like a well-worn book.

Stay strong and use this forum - you will get lots of support and invaluable advice both from professionals and people who have walked in your shoes.

BrexitWife · 02/07/2018 09:04

What is done is done. Now isn’t the time to review the past and think about what could have been.

You need to contact WA and a good lawyer ASAP. By that I mean, this am (give a call to your boss again and ask to have a couple of days off).
Ask you to see the dcs too.
Find a hotel or an AirB&B until you can rent somewhere. Somewhere you can have the dcs staying over too.

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:04

Women’s aid opens at 10 and there’s a drop in from 1pm.

He’s texting with regret now. I feel like now my boss has heard him that someone actually can see what’s going on

OP posts:
Juells · 02/07/2018 09:05

Haven't RTFT but I wouldn't leave the house, you'll never get back in, and he'll then be in residence with the children.

Back to reading now.

WellThisIsShit · 02/07/2018 09:07

He sounds vile. The whole thing sounds awful, and you are stuck in a number of ways unfortuneately, but I’m sure there are ways around it all if you get the right advice.

Call women’s aid, and/or a solicitor, don’t do anything in a hurry.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2018 09:09

Stay put, ring the Police, contact a solicitor and WA. Is the house in your name? what a horrible situation.

Juells · 02/07/2018 09:09

@JamSandwiches45

Don't waste time on a bloody forum.

That's not fair. When my marriage was breaking up I wish to hell I was on mumsnet, to get the benefit of other women's experience. She's going through a crisis.

If he tries to stop you getting into your house tonight call the police.

See a solicitor.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/07/2018 09:09

Does he work ?

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:10

Right now because I’m employed I can totally and easily get a rental, but I have to quit my job and I wouldn’t be able to afford it because I would have no childcare.

I’m in a losing battle and that’s what has stopped me all the time! I’ve been to flats, I’ve had them in the palm
Of my hand and gave up because I couldn’t bring myself to do it

OP posts:
colditz · 02/07/2018 09:10

dO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:10

Does he work ?*

He’s just started a part time job

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 02/07/2018 09:12

I hope you get the advice you need from WA. I found them really helpful.

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:12

The house is not mine, nor his. I have no leg to stand on.

If I stand my ground and stay and force him out, he would leave the children with me knowing it would make things hard for me to find somewhere to live because I have absolutely no-one to look after them. He knows that

OP posts:
Juells · 02/07/2018 09:12

Do you really think that if you break up he'll want the DC full-time? He surely won't want to be a SAHD for the rest of his life? No matter what you'll get them 50% of the time, I'd have thought?

If you have a career and all the money you're not in that bad a situation. What's the worst that can happen? You move out, and have the children at the weekend when you can have them all day. You're not in the worst situation I've ever seen.

Personally, I'd oblige him, pack my bags and leave.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/07/2018 09:13

Why part time? Was this all planned by him

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 02/07/2018 09:13

Why would you have to quit your job?

Cawfee · 02/07/2018 09:14

Ok..everyone can say what you already know about why did you stay etc etc but that’s done. This is now. Time to get going and be proactive. Google search “family divorce solicitor” and the name of your town. Ring the highest rated half a dozen and see who can see you today. Book an hour appointment. Explain “I need urgent legal advice today. My husband has taken my children from the family home” this is so important. You have to get it logged and recorded and a solicitor will help you. You should probably book a few days off work so you can get yourself sorted. Have you got cash in the bank? Look at renting an apartment for yourself (2 or 3 beds) dont be too picky, just get it done. Once you are in your own place you can claim all sorts of benefits to help. Call CAB and book an appointment to get benefits advice. You really must do this now as it might take a couple of weeks for them to see you. Get the solicitor done right now and then comeback to us and we can then help you further. You could also consider posting on the legal section of mumsnet

Milfromhades · 02/07/2018 09:16

Dont be quick to quit your job OP you have a supportive boss and its your source of financial independence. I know you are thinking of the dc but they are school age and won't need a sahp, especially if your boss is willing to be flexible over childcare needs.