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Original poster

Husband throwing me out immediately

136 replies

Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 08:22

We’ve been arguing all weekend and he’s emptied all my drawers and told me to get out. I tried to call my boss but he just spent the whole call screaming at me, I couldn’t hear her. He threw my phone on the floor in an attempt to break it because he couldn’t access it.

He’s taken my children to his mum and dads. I have no one. His parents say I don’t give him attention, I work more than full time hours!

I don’t mean to drip feed but it’s been a decade of hideous cheating (it would blow your mind) and I’m still recovering from discovering more women including one from school, one from a swingers website and a prostitute.

I’d love to say I’m a troll but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been ground down so much I hate myself and who I have become. I feel like a fucking shadow of myself.

I don’t know where to go in the immediate.

I have money - all the money, as it happens

OP posts:
Cawfee · 02/07/2018 09:17

Childcare....the kids are at school right? Before school and after school club. Almost every woman in my kids class works full time including the single parents. If you are going to do this you really need to stop catastrophising and just get on and get stuff like childcare booked. It’s the norm these days so it’s a bit strange you would use that as a problem point. Plus if he’s part time then he will do 50% of childcare so you only need the school clubs on your contact days. This is what every single other woman has done and has to do and it’s normal. Happens every day.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/07/2018 09:17

If he's texting you now with regret then make it up with him. Use this time to buy yourself 3 or 6 months in order to get your ducks in a row so that when you leave it will be organised and at a time of your choosing and you can use the time to gather up all the paperwork you need and find out what your rights are

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:19

If you have a career and all the money you're not in that bad a situation. What's the worst that can happen? You move out, and have the children at the weekend when you can have them all day. You're not in the worst situation I've ever seen

No I agree with you. I’m not sure how it would work. I suspect he would try many different routes to hurt me and make me come back for he sake of ease. I do expect he would refuse to have the kids though in another attempt to control me and my career. He’s already said if I left he’d go full time and then have no time to look after the kids and wouldn’t arrange his work round mine so I’d have no childcare.

Still makes me ill to think I’d have to uproot asd DD1 (9) from every routine she knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:27

Why part time? Was this all planned by him

Years ago he kept losing jobs, the last one being due to theft but he romanticises this fact in a different way, tells a different story. At the time I had not long had my second child so we both looked for work. I found work first so it was agreed he would stay at home. Over the years the plan was for him to get a fucking decent job/career and this would be the perfect time for him to study/volunteer.
Turns out he spent those years dropping the kids in playgroup/school and then paying for sex or shagging the school whore.
When all this came out (on our 6th year wedding anniversary I might add) I was already beaten down with depression looking after my younger sister as my parents were neglecting her. It was like war with my parents. So I never had anyone and I just felt stuck. I have to face the said school OW a lot which is destroying my MH.
About 7 months later I found out about more OW just as my dad and gran died. I think I just just went numb at that point.
I have a counsellor who just couldn’t believe half the shit I was telling her every time I came in. She kept saying that he had a responsibility to make sure me and my children rehomed safely but he wouldn’t do that?! He’s far too busy trying to control situations he wouldn’t let go without a war.

OP posts:
gallicgirl · 02/07/2018 09:29

Probably better to uproot your children rather than leave them in the care of their father who abuses their mother.

Please do speak to women's aid for advice. Take emergency leave from work.

astoundedgoat · 02/07/2018 09:31

You need a flat of your own. You can probably sort that out today, at least to the point of making some appointments.

You don't need to create disaster scenarios where you have to quit your job - of course you don't. You do need to sort out sensible childcare for the 50% of the time you will have your children though (after school club, for instance, or a part time nanny to come in the morning & bring them to school). They are 7 and 9, not babes in arms. Do you work conventional hours?

As he is their primary carer, it is unlikely that the courts would award you more than 50% custody, but this is better for you anyway, practically speaking.

The get onto a local family lawyer (google!) and make an appointment for today. Get some recommendations from here - people have been through this.

Presumably your husband has taken the children to school, not their grandparents?

That's four tasks: where are the children & call the police if your husband has taken them.

Call a family lawyer and make an appointment asap.

Get some appointments to view flats this week.

Sort out what the childcare situation is rationally, with the SET IN STONE assumption that you will continue to work full time to support your family.

Starlightjazz · 02/07/2018 09:31

You don’t realise it right now but this is about to become the best thing that’s happened to you. He is a waste of space. You will come through the other side better and strong and so much happier. Clearly he has no respect or love for you.

Get to a hotel, take all your documents and photos and anything else you can grab hold of. Call the police and a lawyer.

PuddlesOfBud · 02/07/2018 09:33

If this isn't a troll (and I hope it is, because it is awful) he has done you a giant fucking favour. Maybe the first one in your marriage.

Don't leave, let him actually get a job, get child support, use it for child care. He can't be doing much anyway. Your life will be far easier now.

PuddlesOfBud · 02/07/2018 09:34

Turns out he spent those years dropping the kids in playgroup/school and then paying for sex or shagging the school whore.

Dont' speak about women that way. Your hsuband is the school whore.

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:34

But I am told I am the controlling one after his affairs. That I work so much it doesn’t allow him to work more than he does?! I’d do ANYTHING to be the one working part time and being with my kids but I couldn’t sacrifice my income now I don’t trust him to hold down a job without fucking it up soon or shagging a colleague or customer (yep this has happened)

He says he isn’t “allowed” to do anything which is bullshit, he doesn’t actually have anything TO do and doesn’t have any friends unless they are colleagues at work. People don’t like him, they know who he is and what a serial liar he is.

We don’t really drink but there’s been times he’s went to the pub in a bad mood after an arguement and the drink goes to his head quickly and he becomes more arguementitive. I grew up in alcohol related domestic violence and it’s what killed my dad in the end, so I have anxiety about him coming back relatively tipsy. However he says that’s me controlling him.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 02/07/2018 09:35

He's got his kids best interests at heart then, not. They need to be with you. Presume his parents won't keep them long.
You may be able to get rehoused by the council if homeless with kids, best to move in a planned way if possible. Find out what your rights are, what benefits and support you can get etc.
If it's intolerable or not safe then leave with kids. Get advice and help.

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:36

Dont' speak about women that way. Your hsuband is the school whore

I appreciate what your saying and I’m not here to get down with the PC of it. It really doesn’t matter to me right now - and I’d call him much worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:37

puddles I wish I was a troll I really do :(

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 02/07/2018 09:38

He says he isn’t “allowed” to do anything which is bullshit, he doesn’t actually have anything TO do and doesn’t have any friends unless they are colleagues at work. People don’t like him, they know who he is and what a serial liar he is.

None of this is your problem any more. He's a bastard, but he is also now your ex, so start thinking practically from this moment on. He's had enough of your headspace to be doing you for a lifetime already, right?

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:38

Presumably your husband has taken the children to school, not their grandparents?
School holidays in Scotland

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:39

astoundedgoat
You’re so right. Thank you

OP posts:
babybrainusedtobesmart · 02/07/2018 09:40

Call the police. He has assaulted you (yes, he has, I'm a criminal lawyer) they should arrest him and give you the kids back. Then call a lawyer

Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:41

I’m just trying to charge my phone as much as I can before I have to leave the house.

I’ve actually sat and watched in awe at Coats thread, knowing that if I too needed to get away this would be my easiest option.

I don’t think I even have that now though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme2018 · 02/07/2018 09:43

He actually already has a record of DV from 11 years ago.

His parents still wave the flag for him. It’s all still my fault. The mind boggles

OP posts:
lapenguin · 02/07/2018 09:46

Have you looked into benefits that would help you with paying for childcare/au pair for when you move out and leave this asshat?

InsideOutRainbows · 02/07/2018 09:46

He actually already has a record of DV from 11 years ago

DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE, CALL THE POLICE NOW.

pissedonatrain · 02/07/2018 09:46

He's a lazy bastard and you'll be well rid of this anchor dragging you down in life.

Your DC being in school is good. You'll be able to find before and after school for them.

His parents are shite just like he is. Wash your hands of the entire mess.

ciderhouserules · 02/07/2018 09:47

But I am told I am the controlling one after his affairs.
He says he isn’t “allowed” to do anything which is bullshit, - Op , please stop thinking about what he wants, doesn't want, says, shags...

Get your life in order. Get a flat, or go to the council. See a Shit-Hot solicitor, get 50/50 (or weekends, or 90%; whatever can work for you)
Look into afterschool care, pre-school care. Sometimes you can get help with the fees for this.

Ignore him. He brings nothing to this. Cut him right out, as of now. This you should have done years ago. Then everything would be settles now, and his shagging around would not be of any interest to you.

Oh - and get an STI check.

Best part of your life is ahead.

bibizizi · 02/07/2018 09:48

You will look back at this in 5 years time and remember how strong you were to get through this painful situation that that miserable low life put you through. Toxic relationships can't last and have to end.....women who've been there and got out by whatever means, we stand with you.
You're future is calling you.

Teaandcrisps · 02/07/2018 09:48

So sorry to hear that you are going through this and sounds like it has been going on for some time. I know that you want to keep your job and it sounds like you want to set up a new life and home for your children. Is that right? It might be that you put your career/job on hold for now just to get you through this part of your life. You an come back to work, perhaps now is a time for you to focus on your mental health, on supporting your children into a transition period. Take a bit of time to heal and you will be ok. You really will. One step at a time. Be kind to yourself.

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