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Original poster

Male Online friend, I'm married...confused

126 replies

mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:34

Ever wonder how you get into situations?

I started chatting to someone over Twitter through a common interest and then Facebook message.

I'm early 40's in UK they are in USA, 20's. Male.

We talk....lots. daily, all thro depending on work schedules. And at night.

About all sorts if things. We are friends. There is flirting and innuendo but nothing further.

He's away this weekend with no mobile signal and we've admitted we are going to miss each other. Even with my RL friends I'd never feel that....

DH knows I chat to some people online about a hobby and I've told him about this guy. But I've hidden how much we talk and I think the messages would be difficult to explain

I know we will never meet, our lives are completely different. I have kids. A husband. We are just friends.

I suspect the right thing is to end or reduce contact. I don't want to.

My marriage has issues that have been highlighted recently. I never feel complemented or liked or wanted, there is no affection btwn us. Put downs

Sorry. I just needed to say somwthing... and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 30/06/2018 08:35

Yes you do know. You need to cut contact with this guy.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:35

I can't

OP posts:
LegoBitcho · 30/06/2018 08:37

You can. You don't want to.

Your poor dh, this is an EA and you know it.

Lemonyknickers · 30/06/2018 08:39

Yes you can. You don't want to.

If you are uncomfortable with your DH seeing and knowing all then it is wrong, you know that or you wouldn't be posting. Male/female friendships are great but not if they're flirty to the extent you keep them hidden, that's emotional affair territory

AnyFucker · 30/06/2018 08:39

You "can't" ?

Don't be ridiculous

Rudgie47 · 30/06/2018 08:39

If it was me I'd sit down with my husband and tell him unless hes changes then the marriage is over and ask him what he wants to do?If hes not prepared to change then I'd be looking at divorce and starting again as a single person. You dont have to put up with this state of affairs.
I'd block and forget the man in the US, hes just stringing you along, and nothing will ever come of it.I'd be concentrating on getting some support at the moment from my family and friends.

Scott72 · 30/06/2018 08:41

Yes cut contact with this fantasy guy. Don't tell your husband, you haven't really done anything wrong yet but still could generate resentment should he find out, so its probably not worth it. But your marriage is probably what you should be putting this energy into. Probably both of you have a part to play. You don't feel appreciated. Does he feel appreciated either?

TheVanguardSix · 30/06/2018 08:41

Why can't you?
Or maybe the better question is, why won't you?
You should reduce/lose contact.
Not to be a good little wifey and stand by your man, but to do some serious soul searching. Your marriage doesn't sound like it's in a good place. You'll need to deal with this. Your online friend is a happy distraction from reality. At a certain point, that won't be enough. And I think you're approaching that point. And the problem is, this will fuel your current unhappiness and you'll end up in a right state.

ObiJuanKenobi · 30/06/2018 08:42

May I recommend a documentary called Tall Hot Blonde? It's widely available online and shows just how far these online chats can go.

luckiestgirl · 30/06/2018 08:44

I’d personally prefer to leave the marriage where your DH puts you down and doesn’t show you affection. I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage like that.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:45

I could just frame it as we are friends. Who really enjoy each other's company. That's the simple truth.

His feelings are friendship for me. Mine are too....but yeah we miss each other.

So...he said

"You are the best person I've met on here, you were my first friend that I made. You are hilarious, beautiful, fun loving. You listen and respect me no matter how buttish I'm being.... you are a true friend in a world of fake people and you are make me laugh so so so much. I look forward to talking to you everyday and when I said I was addicted to our convos I meant it.

You're awesome and I'm going to miss you this weekend"

My issue is....i never get complimented like this by my DH...so that's why I'm thinking why not?

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/06/2018 08:49

Words mean fuck all imo. You can't seriously compare some internet bullshit with real life.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:50

The irony is I met my DH on the internet....

OP posts:
magoria · 30/06/2018 08:50

This pretty much sounds exactly the stuff a husband would tell OW when embarking on an affair. 'My wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex' etc.

Don't sneak around having secret little flirts etc. If all this comes out who do you think is going to look like the wronged person to your DC, friends, family etc?

If there are problems in your relationship sort them out or end it. Do it because it is the right thing for everyone not because you have the hots for someone else.

Babdoc · 30/06/2018 08:51

It’s very easy for an Internet relationship to seem perfect. There’s no messy real life stuff intruding, no arguments over whose turn it is to put the bins out, no unfortunate unscripted remarks, no snoring, farting, no worries over jobs or bills, no exhaustion from childcare, etc.
It’s not fair to make comparisons with your real life DH.
If all your emotional needs are being met online, you will lack the impetus to sort things out with your DH.
I think you need to assess your marriage and decide whether you want to save it or leave it, regardless of what’s happening online.
Then sit down with DH and have a painfully honest conversation about where you both go from here. You might need to do that with a mediator, such as a counsellor, if either or both of you might be too upset to be reasonable about it.
I hope you manage to find the right way forward for both of you.

0ccamsRazor · 30/06/2018 08:55

Thing is Op, online communication such as this is often not real in the sense that this type communication allows the other person to be a 'blank screen' in which fantasy can be projected onto. It is not generally based in 'reality' as it is 'staged'.

So all of your longings, desires etc can be focused into a person that you have never met. This incidently is why when people meet each other in on line dating situations, it is a good idea to meet up asap so that this fantasy-projection can be kept to a minimum and a relationship is formed in reality.

Back to your issue, you need to stop and think, because what you are doing will have massive fall out. If your marriage is not working then you need to make a choice away and separate from the distractions of another man.

Yutes · 30/06/2018 08:58

People can tell you whatever they want to tell you about themselves (or you) over the Internet, and leave out the horrible bits.

Yutes · 30/06/2018 09:00

I used to talk online to someone quite regularly. I realised I craved the complimentary words they gave me. But it’s just that, it’s an ego boost. Probably on both your parts. And I think If you are being honest with yourself OP, then you’ll admit it has the makings of an EA.

Cricrichan · 30/06/2018 09:02

I've recently started online dating and met with one man. Amazing chemistry in our messages, he said just the right things but when we met he was awful. I could not believe it was the same person (aside from normal nervousness).

I'm not saying he isn't fab but if you had to live with him and you each had to put up with each other's stuff, it wouldn't be perfect like this. You're getting the best of each other without any of the day to day mundane stuff.

Start dating your husband and complimenting him and putting as much effort into your relationship and he will probably respond.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 09:34

There are two issues here. Sort of.

One, if I was happier and head over heels, I wouldn't have to the time invest with my online friend. It would be a friendly chat once in a while. Not at 3am.

And that is due to a marriage where I have always felt like he was doing me a favour. That I'm the fat one, the bad with money one, the one to make fun of. My DD was starting to copy and sayimg put downs to me in the same style. I told her that it would not be tolerated.

But...i have two DCs. Financially a lot better off if I stay....but a life time of this?

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 30/06/2018 09:36

Wow OP you need to leave, it’s quite clear you don’t love your husband, and if you’re having to hide how you speak to this man in my opinion it’s cheating. I wouldn’t say anything to another man that I wouldn’t say in front of DP.

Orangecake123 · 30/06/2018 09:54

Honestly I've learnt to look at deeds and not words, and I say that as someone who fell in love with someone online- on text they seemed perfect but in reality no shows to agreed meetings, which culminated with him eventually ghosting me which broke my heart.

This is beginning of an EA. Consider marriage counselling to work on your marriage if you still want to save it.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 30/06/2018 10:02

lol you are being used by this 20 something for when he is bored..Going away for a weekend with no mobile signal? Everywhere has signal , he is probably spending time with a girl of his own age.

You on the other hand are risking everything and humiliating your DH in the process. Grow up. You aren’t worthy of your DH , you should leave him and let him find someone who can be loyal.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 10:40

Lol. I know he's not but I know he should be.

I need to be a good friend for him and encourage him to find a new gf, he had a break up a whole ago which has dented his confidence.

That's what I should be doing, not developing a close friendship that excludes my DH and him finding someone in RL.

I do know that

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 30/06/2018 10:45

I do know that

And yet....