Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male Online friend, I'm married...confused

126 replies

mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:34

Ever wonder how you get into situations?

I started chatting to someone over Twitter through a common interest and then Facebook message.

I'm early 40's in UK they are in USA, 20's. Male.

We talk....lots. daily, all thro depending on work schedules. And at night.

About all sorts if things. We are friends. There is flirting and innuendo but nothing further.

He's away this weekend with no mobile signal and we've admitted we are going to miss each other. Even with my RL friends I'd never feel that....

DH knows I chat to some people online about a hobby and I've told him about this guy. But I've hidden how much we talk and I think the messages would be difficult to explain

I know we will never meet, our lives are completely different. I have kids. A husband. We are just friends.

I suspect the right thing is to end or reduce contact. I don't want to.

My marriage has issues that have been highlighted recently. I never feel complemented or liked or wanted, there is no affection btwn us. Put downs

Sorry. I just needed to say somwthing... and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
mamahanji · 06/07/2018 20:43

Flirting and innuendo is as good as sexting. You're not insinuating to how good the brownies you baked were.

And you said how you wanted to hear him saying he had feelings for you because you have feelings for him.

Either you are backtracking massively or just lying and pretending it isn't something sordid and inappropriate.

No friend has ever said 'I'm addicted to you.' The only people who have, have been men that have love bombed me, manipulated me, and just generally treated me like shit.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 06/07/2018 20:48

No, what I am saying is my feelings, and my behaviour has changed over the last week or so.

OP posts:
AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 20:53

Do you want to sort your marriage and focus more on your husband? Or has this kid maybe opened your eyes to the fact you don't? It's ok if that's what's happened, but you have to then do the decent thing.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 06/07/2018 20:56

It has made me realise that I was sleep walking through my marriage, letting patterns develop that could blow up into a huge fight and resentment if I don't address them now.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/07/2018 21:05

*I have to admit that due to how well we get on.... yeah, maybe there was a crush developing.

But how much I enjoy his company made me remember that I used to be like that with my DH - we met online after all as well, but then in person not long after.*

You know, really, that you can't have both men. You know you can't have the 19 year old. So your options are to continue sleepwalking through your marriage, and hope your DH doesn't care and that your marriage doesn't fall apart further, or to stop talking to this young man and focus all of your attention back where it should be.

That will be hard for you and your friend - and he does need a friend; he needs someone to talk to and live for. That is not you. It's not. You're in the way of him finding who it is; because he's prioritising chatting to you. He's invested in you. He's in the way of you properly rekindling with your husband.

For the good of your 19 year old friend; you need to cut contact. Use his current trip as the forced start.

No good will come of you continuing this. You'll do what plenty of people do and say it won't happen to you, and this is different... and it won't be. It never is.

Newsofas · 06/07/2018 21:19

I’ve done a lot of online dating. It’s incredible how emotionally attached you become by texting over a few weeks. You then meet up and there is no attraction, rapport etc. Some people are very good with the written word but very dull in real life. You are emotionally involved with a boy who is 36 months older than my 16 year old teenage son.

TheMonkeyMummy · 06/07/2018 21:33

facepalm

Just unplug for goodness sake. It's a fantasy, it's not real, he is NINETEEN and you are kidding yourself that he needs you.

FishingIsNotASport · 06/07/2018 21:40

You are building a fantasy relationship with this person due to your unhappiness at home. You don't know this person - they may be male, they may be in their 20's - they may not be. It's like Catfish; you are projecting all of your emotional energy onto this person and they are reflecting the same back at you. Complementing you, agreeing with your, empathising with you - none of it is real. If you can see it for what it is, and it helps you, then carry on, but don't be fooled there is any depth to this. A good friend of mine left her husband to move to America to be with her 'soul mate' who she had met online. It didn't end well.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 06/07/2018 22:01

Yeah, that isn't going to happen/

I did, and this doesn't make me proud, ask myself whether was I looking for an online romance that would then move into real life.

The answer was a definite no. I do love my DH.

if I was, and I've decided I'm not, I would have dropped this guy like a stone the moment I found out that he is so so so young and therefore completely inappropriate, and also not anywhere close by.

OP posts:
KataraJean · 06/07/2018 22:11

Urgh, he is four years older than my DD and if I found out a forty something man was flirting, innuendo-ing and escaping from his marriage with endless chat, I would be seriously Hmm at him. You need to be the adult here, assert clear boundaries, and pull back. It all just sounds embarrassing.

He is 19, no responsibilities and you are twenty plus years older with kids and a husband. How can you be messaging at 3am?! You must be exhausted. Your first few posts sound like a love sick teen.

bluebell34567 · 06/07/2018 22:25

i havent read all the thread but your marriage doesnt sound good.
do you think you can repair it? if not, seperate.
the young boy situation wont work, you have to find something else to focus on.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 07/07/2018 01:26

Op if you feel you aren't going to stop talking to him, then at least cut back, message him a bit less each week, so that you are weaning yourself off him a bit...and also stop with the innuendo and the fantasising about him, you do realise that in some states in the usa he would be legally still classed as a minor (a child) until he is 21, keep your chats with him innocent, talk to him about his studies, tv, music ...don't go into the emotions and feelings area of conversation, it's not fair on him to mess with his emotions...and if he goes there then don't reciprocate, remind him you are married and he I just a friend and that by usa law he is still a minor (a child) and that an adult having a relationship with a child is wrong

Sunflowersforever · 07/07/2018 04:41

I'm going to suggest something else.

Talk to him. Make him real. Skype or similar.

If you won't do that, then you're addicted to the secret fantasy and are deliberately keeping it wrapped up away from reality.

See him (on Skype etc) and make it real. Expose the fantasy.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 07/07/2018 11:05

I agree with Sunflowersforever, see him on Skype or even on WhatsApp video call (see him so you can check he is who he says he is)...for all you know he could be a middle age man sending photos that he has taken from someone's Instagram ...

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 07/07/2018 11:46

Yes ask him to skype , bet you don’t hear a word! Or he’ll say “aw my camera on my phone / computer is broken” . Then let that sink in ...

Vampyress · 07/07/2018 12:57

I am sorry for the tough love here OP but you need it. You need to stop saying you love your husband, you don't. If you loved your husband, you wouldn't be addicted to your fantasy relationship with someone 2 years out of childhood. My advice to you is to look at the massive number of posts made daily by spouses who have found out their life partner has been doing exactly what you are, then read every response those posters have got. Each and every single response would be directed at you if your husband was the one who needed support after finding out what you are doing.

If you have any degree of respect for either your husband or yourself you would either repair or leave your marriage, it is that simple.

FabFemale36 · 26/05/2021 02:57

Almost 3 years on, I wonder what eventually happened?

bangheadhere40 · 26/05/2021 07:00

Curious too now

FeelingStupid2021 · 26/05/2021 12:52

You actually don't sound like you think this is a big deal or particularly serious. I am in a similar position but have stopped things once we realised we had turned the corner from chit chat as genuine friends to flirty/innuendos. Myself and Dh have a close group of friends we may say daft things to such a flirty/innuendo type comments but it is because we are really good friends and trust each other however this person I have messaged is not a close friend so it's totally out of order.

You seem to be 'lol-ing' about posters messages to you and I just can't see the funny side. I feel awful and quite rightly so, I deserve to.

I can't give advice, I am no better really. I actually started my own thread about it as I am so worried about it all.

FeelingStupid2021 · 26/05/2021 12:53

No way, a bloody zombie thread. Why do people do this!!!

FabFemale36 · 26/05/2021 14:24

Hey so sorry about this. I am just in a similar position so quite curious about what happened eventually.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/05/2021 21:05

@FabFemale36

Hey so sorry about this. I am just in a similar position so quite curious about what happened eventually.
Hopefully the object of your affection isn't also 19?
TwinkleStar88 · 26/05/2021 21:16

@mademybed123 - You need to stop all contact, tell your husband how you feel, actually communicate with him about what you want and are missing from your relationship. Even if it means you go for counselling.

EarthSight · 27/05/2021 00:13

Whilst I don't want to diminish you marriage problems, you sound quite immature.

You listen and respect me no matter how buttish I'm being

Buttish? What does that mean? Does that you tolerate him despite him being an asshole at times or something?

One, if I was happier and head over heels, I wouldn't have to the time invest with my online friend. It would be a friendly chat once in a while. Not at 3am

Head over heels? Very few people stay infatuated after tears of marriage. Listen to yourself. You're in your 40s, chatting with a young person in their 20s at 3am and clearly have a crush based on a person you can't verify. I'm not sure anyone here can help you unless you recognise this is dodgy, but I do sympathise with how demeaned and low you feel in your marriage.

Dontletitbeyou · 27/05/2021 00:35

It must make you feel uncomfortable chatting , flirting with a teenager . Hes not even 20 yet . I couldn’t talk to a teenager in the way that you seem to be . It wouldn't feel right at all

Swipe left for the next trending thread