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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male Online friend, I'm married...confused

126 replies

mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:34

Ever wonder how you get into situations?

I started chatting to someone over Twitter through a common interest and then Facebook message.

I'm early 40's in UK they are in USA, 20's. Male.

We talk....lots. daily, all thro depending on work schedules. And at night.

About all sorts if things. We are friends. There is flirting and innuendo but nothing further.

He's away this weekend with no mobile signal and we've admitted we are going to miss each other. Even with my RL friends I'd never feel that....

DH knows I chat to some people online about a hobby and I've told him about this guy. But I've hidden how much we talk and I think the messages would be difficult to explain

I know we will never meet, our lives are completely different. I have kids. A husband. We are just friends.

I suspect the right thing is to end or reduce contact. I don't want to.

My marriage has issues that have been highlighted recently. I never feel complemented or liked or wanted, there is no affection btwn us. Put downs

Sorry. I just needed to say somwthing... and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 10:49

I need to be a good friend

Not the woman who has let herself fall for him.

I'm going to try

OP posts:
Scott72 · 30/06/2018 10:54

You don't know how old he really is, what his life story is, if he's actually single or married. He's probably telling the truth, but it could all be bullshit.

BootyO · 30/06/2018 10:57

He calls you beautiful. So you know what each other look like? Do you find him physically attractive? I usually find that being told you’re beautiful by someone attractive is a much bigger ego boost than someone “below you” in the looks stakes.

I’ve been told all kinds of compliments by online people who turned out to be horrific abusers. I know men who tak to older women online even though they have girlfriends but they lie and say they’re single.

You’re blinded by the flattery and bamboozled by the excitement of getting messages etc illicitly. It’s not sustainable and he may not turn it to be the person you think.

Wake up. Leave your husband if you’re unhappy but this online thing is a red herring.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 10:58

Lol maybe. But... actually I trust him

But that's sort of beside the point.

We could never be a couple on real life for so many reasons

OP posts:
BootyO · 30/06/2018 10:59

You don’t get “addicted” to conversations with normal friends, you’ve admitted that. No one does. Addiction = infatuation

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 11:04

Yeah the fact that he admitted he would miss me for three days and I would too....i don't think that with my closest female friends.

And i wanted to hear it

I want to hear that he has feelings for me because I do for him. And that makes me a bad person because he needs someone his own age, where he lives, a real relationship. Not some virtual thing

OP posts:
BootyO · 30/06/2018 11:05

He probably does have a girlfriend his own age.

timeisnotaline · 30/06/2018 11:05

And that makes me a bad person because he needs someone his own age, where he lives, a real relationship. Not some virtual thing
Actually it’s because you’re married, and if you don’t want to be married you should change that but while you are you should not engage in emotional affairs.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 11:06

I would feel better if he did. At least we'd be even. And he'd have someone

OP posts:
ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 30/06/2018 11:12

I agree with previous posters, everywhere these days has mobile signal,

I also agree with the others about how a person portrays themselves online may not be how they are in real life...I personally know of a woman who "dated" a man online, he seemed genuine to the point he talked to her family, there was even talk of flying to meet him in his country...turned out he had lied about not having kids (he had 6)..he was also incapable of being faithful, he was spinning the exact same lines to three other women at the same time, in fact he had one of his other online women visiting him, and then when he was going on a "business trip" he was actually flying to another country to stay with another of his online women...

The lady I knew was devastated because she had been genuine and believed he was being genuine with her like you believe he is being genuine with you...don't fall for it, concentrate on your real life not on a fantasy...ask yourself why a young man half your age, young enough to be your son would want with you when he could have girls his own age?..could there be an ulterior motive whether it's money or a visa?..

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 30/06/2018 11:12

You don’t need to be a good friend that’s just giving you an excuse to stay in contact with him. you need to stop being disrespectful to your husband but you wont. He deserves much better.

Toofle · 30/06/2018 11:14

You don't miss him. You miss the buzz of the interaction. You have no idea who he is. And vice versa.

Itwasntmehonest · 30/06/2018 11:21

He's probably a lonely, middle-aged guy called Keith, sat in his living room in Wigan, in his pants, getting kicks out of wooing ladies with his '20-something year old American' lies.

But either way, what you are doing is wrong, and you're trying to excuse it by blaming the failings in your marriage. You need to do the right thing and use this weekend of NC as the start of going fully NC. If this guy is genuine and not Keith from Wigan, then you also need to go NC to let him find a "real" girlfriend, while you either work on your marriage, or work towards ending it.

Chocolate123 · 30/06/2018 11:59

Reverse it if it was you OH having an emotional affair would you think it's ok?

Bumshkawahwah · 30/06/2018 12:03

You really have no reason to trust him at all - other than the fact that you want to. As others have said, he could be anyone and he could be telling you anything.

You absolutely can cut contact with him. You need to decide what to do with your real life, not escape into a fantasy relationship.

Of course it’s easy for him to compliment you. All he has to do is type out a few lines. There is no real life here, no irritations, no putting up with each other’s annoying or selfish or lazy ways.

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/06/2018 12:12

Wow. It's lie city here. You're lying to your husband. 20 year old is most likely lying to you. No mobile signal my arse. Unless he's going to the Amazon jungle the only places that have no signal are in horror movies! And bad ones at that.

And by God are you lying to yourself. This is an emotional affair already and you're hoping he wants more, even if it's realistically impossible. But you want him to want to. Because you already do. You want him to find a girlfriend, not for his own good but so you can continue the affair on a more even basis and stop feeling like the only one cheating.

You CAN stop this. You just don't WANT to. Your poor bloody husband!

Stop deluding yourself this is a friendship. It's not. It's a fantasy relationship with a man you 'trust' for no reason other than you want to as otherwise your little fantasy escape falls apart.

Stinkywink · 30/06/2018 12:17

He sounds full of shit and you're lapping it up. Why would a single 20 something lad spend all his time chatting to a married 40 something woman with kids? If what he says is true, it makes him an oddball. It probably isn't true and he's much older than he says. Bizarre all round.

MistressDeeCee · 30/06/2018 12:18

You're doing what far too many people are doing in this age of easy private messaging via internet. Getting excitement and secret thrills from logging on daily telling some bloke all about your day, your thoughts hope and dreams, flirting a little. Then allowing your virtual life to impact your real life.

You'd un-confuse yourself if you stopped this silliness. Your DH doesn't sound all that in the way he treats you emotionally. But could he say the same about you? If this emotional affair is discovered it's not going to put you in a good light is it. You're keeping secrets and neglecting and criticising your own relationship because of it, after all.

When your young friend finds his soulmate the messages will fade away. Work on your marriage.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 12:20

Lol.

Well....its true. Weird, but true.

And... I think I need to stop overthinking this. We are close friends, we enjoy each other's company and its fun. And i need to stop stressing about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 12:22

Yeah, what we have between us will fade away, as all things do. And as for my marriage.... That's a separate issue I will one day need to address

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 30/06/2018 12:27
Biscuit
Josuk · 30/06/2018 12:32

OP - life is long and marriages are difficult.
This is an escape and a fantasy. As long as you keep that in the perspective - this is harmless and just giving you a bit of something you aren’t getting in real life from other sources.

Have you heard of Esthel Perel? Look up her TedTalks.
She is a therapist working with couples. And her view is that our current expectations that one person (spouse) is supposed to fulfil ALL of our needs on emotional, intellectual, friendship, social, fun, etc levels - is a recent development and is unrealistic. And leads to many problems.
I agree.

category12 · 30/06/2018 12:36

He's a distraction from real life - you're putting your emotional energy into this online thing you have with him rather than sorting your life out.

Babdoc · 30/06/2018 13:17

Nothing to do with the main post, but a lot of people on here are claiming that nowhere lacks a mobile signal these days. Wrong! Large swathes of Scotland, and areas of rural Norfolk, have no signal.
If the online chap is genuinely in the USA, there must be massive areas of wilderness that are likewise.
Returning to the main point, OP seems to be saying she’d like to leave her husband, but lacks the courage or finance. Both of these can be solved, as countless women in loveless or abusive marriages have demonstrated here on MM.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 13:28

Lol yes he lives in rural America and is off trekking even more remotely so he's got no signal.

Reading these replies has made me realise how much I do trust him. How much we trust each other.

It's also made me realise that for what ever reason we both need something out of our friendship. And that it has a purpose for both of us. And that I need to stop overthinking everything.

OP posts: