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Original poster

Male Online friend, I'm married...confused

126 replies

mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 08:34

Ever wonder how you get into situations?

I started chatting to someone over Twitter through a common interest and then Facebook message.

I'm early 40's in UK they are in USA, 20's. Male.

We talk....lots. daily, all thro depending on work schedules. And at night.

About all sorts if things. We are friends. There is flirting and innuendo but nothing further.

He's away this weekend with no mobile signal and we've admitted we are going to miss each other. Even with my RL friends I'd never feel that....

DH knows I chat to some people online about a hobby and I've told him about this guy. But I've hidden how much we talk and I think the messages would be difficult to explain

I know we will never meet, our lives are completely different. I have kids. A husband. We are just friends.

I suspect the right thing is to end or reduce contact. I don't want to.

My marriage has issues that have been highlighted recently. I never feel complemented or liked or wanted, there is no affection btwn us. Put downs

Sorry. I just needed to say somwthing... and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Stinkywink · 30/06/2018 13:32

How are you so sure he is who he says he is? Have you face timed/Skyped etc?

MyIcePopMelted · 30/06/2018 13:36

Cut contact.

I did this. Got addicted. DH eventually clocked. Gave me ultimatum. Indidnt want to give person up, we became an item, met a few times, I had a bad case of limerance. I lost my DH, then was dumped.
Now a single mum.

Don't fuck about. It's not worth it.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 30/06/2018 13:56

If your DH had a female friend in her 20s who he spoke to and flirted with the same way you do with this guy, would you be happy about it?

Itwasntmehonest · 30/06/2018 14:27

One word...deluded Confused

pissedonatrain · 30/06/2018 15:38

This online rubbish is pure fantasy. It takes nothing to type out flowery words of love and caring to a stranger online and same with facetime or skype. You talk for an hour or so and present yourself in the best light and then hang up and they're gone.

If you spent just half the time working on your marriage as on this online dead end, you'd probably have decent marriage or at least be able to end it properly.

My stbxh left me for some online fantasy who lives in another country. It's been over a year and they still have never met. It's ridiculous.

LonginesPrime · 30/06/2018 15:57

if I was happier and head over heels, I wouldn't have to the time invest with my online friend

A marriage takes two people. You're obviously not happy in it, but this makes it sound like you're merely wafting along letting life take you on a journey rather than controlling your own decisions.

And also, if you're bored or lonely or whatever, that's for you to deal with - it's not for your partner to entertain you and keep you occupied. You are not a puppy.

Take some responsibility for your situation - if you're not happy with your husband, do something about it.

But stop blaming other people for your actions. No-one's to blame for those except you.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 16:20

there is no blame, I was just stating a fact.

I do feel for pissedonatrain and I can understand the anger and pain.

I don't know if I will leave my partner, but if I ever did so, it would not be to start a relationship with my online friend (too young, too difficult to organise with different countries and kids, and we are just friends afterall) .... but the online attachment might be a symptom of something else not being right in the relationship. Of not feeling fulfilled. That could happen with someone from abroad on facebook or the person at the local bus stop.

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 30/06/2018 16:33

You're not listening to a single thing that people are saying.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 16:45

I am listening.

I have spent today considering every reply and running from one plan to another. Go NC with him, walk away. Go to a counselor for my marriage.

I've considered all options, reread lots of the messages we have sent to each trying to figure out the difference between the reality of the dynamics between us and what I am feeling. And we are friends, close friends now. There is some sort of emotional connection on both sides.

And...

I probably know what the right thing is to do. And what the wrong thing is.

And... I know what I want, at least for now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/06/2018 16:56

What's that then ?

Coughy · 30/06/2018 17:29

So you know everything. Why did you post?!

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 17:35

because I need/ed perspective, and someone to talk to because I can't tell my friends or anyone in real life about this...

because I thought that this break would give me time and space to make the right, proper, decision.

At the moment, no real lines have been crossed, nothing said that changes everything.

I will have to walk that line. But I don't want to stop talking to him.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 30/06/2018 17:40

I've considered all options, reread lots of the messages we have sent to each trying to figure out the difference between the reality of the dynamics between us and what I am feeling.

At best, you're both using each other to boost your egos and repair the self-esteem that has been damaged by his last relationship and your current one.

At worse, he doesn't exist and you're talking to a series of people who are going to request a bank transfer to fund a visit to you any day now.

Reading old messages to try to work out what's real between you and someone else is a terrible idea. Assuming this guy is real and on the level, those message tell you (1) only what he wanted you to see of him (2) at that specific moment in time.

You're also naturally going to interpret his messages in a way that supports what you want to do and the fantasy you clearly so desperately want to believe is real.

Do whatever you want, but at least take responsibility for that.

Itwasntmehonest · 30/06/2018 17:41

Lines have been crossed, or at least blurred...innuendo and flirting is crossing a line, and once that happens, there's no going back from it.

Dressing it up as a "friendship" doesn't change anything Hmm

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 17:46

they mostly made me realise
(1) we talk about a lot of crap, wow, masses, about everything, work, weather!, films, cooking... just lots of friendship crap, with photos.
(2) us admitting that we will miss each other was the first, and only, conversation that this is anything other than a standard online friendship. We matter to each other. But so far as friends.
(3) I have no fantasy of what will happen between us...

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 30/06/2018 17:53

I have no fantasy of what will happen between us...

No, I mean this fantasy:

We matter to each other.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but what he is to you is completely different from what he actually is in the real world, and vice versa.

You're unhappy in your marriage and you're gravitating toward a bit of escapism. Fine, but the notion that your online friendship carries any more meaning than that is a tad silly.

Itwasntmehonest · 30/06/2018 17:55

Flirting and innuendo is NOT standard online friendship Hmm

You can attempt to try and justify it all you want, but it very clearly is what it is.

LonginesPrime · 30/06/2018 17:56

It also feels a little bit like perhaps you're using MN in the same way you were using online guy when he was available to avoid the issues in your actual real life.

I agree with PPa that you're not listening and that you're more concerned with asserting that what you're feeling is true and real.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/06/2018 17:57

You're in a bad marriage and this other guy is providing something emotionally that you need. If your DH is verbally abusive, then fuck him. Just be careful. Don't say anything or send anything to this man that he could potentially use against you in the future, and never send him money.

SoftBallSophie · 30/06/2018 18:02

He's throwing words at you online, it means nothing....you are so needy that you're lapping it up.

You need to cut contact, you know that. And probably get some counselling or support.

Sorry to be so harsh but you are being a fool and this is probably the reason why your marriage is in trouble. You really need to snap out of this make believe fantasy.

Mummagump · 30/06/2018 18:59

You like the attention.

I came on to say there’s a difference between ‘can’t’ & ‘won’t’ but as you said in your post at 1735 you don’t want to stop, I’m out of here.

MsPavlichenko · 30/06/2018 19:35

No idea re your marriage. It may have been bad previously. In which case make plans and open up an honest conversation.

What isn't helping you either leave or decide to discuss your issue with your DH is you wasting hours of your life on a fantasy relationship with a person who may not even be real. Have you seen Catfish?

And today when you have time out of the bubble? You have spent mooning about, day dreaming about him and posting about him on here. Why not just draw lovehearts with your initials inside? It is as valuable a use of your time.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 30/06/2018 19:57

Lol. A little introspection and a lot of multi tasking

OP posts:
tomhazard · 01/07/2018 06:39

If you want to save your marriage you will cut contact with this man and listen to the people that are telling you that online chat relationships are not realistic.

You don't want to because you are enjoying the ott attention you are receiving and you have no qualms about emotionally cheating on your dh.

Either you get marriage counselling with your dh or you tell him that you're not that into him anymore.

Tilly1313 · 01/07/2018 07:29

Oh hun you sound desperately sad, I feel for you. I think you’re stuck in a loveless (at best) marriage, and potentially one where you are getting put down and emotionally hurt.

The internet world is meant for escapism and that’s what you are doing. The reality is, as you know, is nothing will come of this for all the reasons you have listed, but it’s giving something that you are liking in RL. See this as a wake up call, imagine meeting a guy who lives near you who says these things to your face, and not on a text you’re hiding from your husband. Life is too short to be unhappy, if you can’t work things out with you’re husband leave (I did and never looked back). See this as your wake up call to start again. I wish you well

Also Keith from Wigan..... 😂 where can I meet him?!