Male Online friend, I'm married...confused

[mademybed123]

Ever wonder how you get into situations?

I started chatting to someone over Twitter through a common interest and then Facebook message.

I'm early 40's in UK they are in USA, 20's. Male.

We talk....lots. daily, all thro depending on work schedules. And at night.

About all sorts if things. We are friends. There is flirting and innuendo but nothing further.

He's away this weekend with no mobile signal and we've admitted we are going to miss each other. Even with my RL friends I'd never feel that....

DH knows I chat to some people online about a hobby and I've told him about this guy. But I've hidden how much we talk and I think the messages would be difficult to explain

I know we will never meet, our lives are completely different. I have kids. A husband. We are just friends.

I suspect the right thing is to end or reduce contact. I don't want to.

My marriage has issues that have been highlighted recently. I never feel complemented or liked or wanted, there is no affection btwn us. Put downs

Sorry. I just needed to say somwthing... and I don't know what to do.

*lacking

Op if your marriage is having issues then it's not fair to blame your husband as the sole reason, a marriage is a two way partnership...have you ever thought that your husband may feel he is trapped in a loveless marriage to a distant wife?

If you cut contact with your online friend and put all that fantasy, enthusiasm and energy into your husband and marriage then your husband may respond and your marriage may actually improve,

Op you are in your 40's, this guy if he is telling the truth is in his 20's..he is young enough to be your son, concentrate on your marriage ...

The only reason why you miss each other is because you have got in a habit of talking to each other, when any habit is taken away a person would miss it for a while until the habit is broken...it's a schoolgirl crush you have..

You can control of you talk to him, you just don't want to because you are an attention seeker who is willing to ruin your own marriage to flirt and get a few soppy words from a lad young enough to be your son..

@Tilly1313 I'm sure the OP can help with that

Lol

I heard from him last night actually, and Wigan has lovely lakes and woods than I would have expected

Sort your marriage out, if you are unhappy-leave. Don't use this poor excuse for dicking about.

Hi,

so I thought I would update, and because it maybe I need a chance to write this down.

The last week or so I have been thinking hard about my marriage, my friendship online and other things.

I also found out more about my online friend. Now, he's not from Wigan, and for a number of reasons I trust what he tells me. Especially now. So, no, well he's probably 67 with grandkids etc and stringing me on. He's not.

He's 20. In two months.

And while I knew that this was never going to be a riding off into the sunset sort of thing, because of my marriage, kids, geography all that sort of stuff I have to admit that due to how well we get on.... yeah, maybe there was a crush developing.

But how much I enjoy his company made me remember that I used to be like that with my DH - we met online after all as well, but then in person not long after.

So, I have worked out that I need to work on my marriage, spend more time with just the two of us. Talk about what I want and what makes me sad in the relationship and vice versa.

But, my online friend needs a friend. And we are friends. He's in a crap town in a crap job and has no idea what to do and needs a friend, and yeah, I still want to be that friend. It's not romantic, he needs a gf and that isn't me.

Maybe I did need someone saying I was lovely, and he does too. So, with no damage to my marriage or threat, I'm going to stay friends with him.

If you would have an issue showing your DH the transcripts, then you know you should stop this.

This is highlighting issues you have in your marriage - the problem is your DH isn't complimenting you, you don't feel beautiful and loved, and this is a very poor substitute. Address the issues rather than live in this addictive fantasy.

Op it sounds like you don't really know him, your first post says he's in his 20's, your last post says he is 19 (20 in two months) so he is a teenager, and you have admitted that there was a crush developing

Op how would you feel if one of your kids was 19 and there was a married with kids fourth something male/female mooning over your son/daughter and having a crush on him/her...I bet you wouldn't like it and would try to discourage it...

He's a teenager, you are in your 40's married with kids...it's not normal, he is only a certain number of years older than your own kids, you are old enough to be his mum

*forty something

I was kind of on the fence until you said he is 19. Not "in his twenties". There's a big difference. It's wrong and you know it.

You are delusional if you think this online friendship is purely platonic. Everything you say reeks of 'We have a special connection, we will never act on it but when we aren't messaging, I think about him constantly.'

This will mean you are distant and preoccupied. Little wonder your marriage is in trouble.

You came on here to reassure yourself that you need to keep this affair going and when posters haven't supported that, you have instead told yourself that your are just friends and that you need each other, so that justifies your deceit.

As you have no intention of facing up to reality, you should prepare yourself for dh finding out and leaving you, which is what I would do if my spouse behaved as you are.

You are not friends, you are words on a screen.

Your emotional connection is to the way those words make you feel, not to him.

You are deluding yourself and deceiving your husband. How would he feel if he read your messages?

As for trust... how can he trust you when you are behaving in such a dishonest manner with your husband???

This is madness!

How would you feel if your husband was doing the same?

(Head meet desk)

Jeez you sound like an incredibly immature 40 odd year old - and that before we even mention the annoying use of ‘lol’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

And how do you suppose to help him all these many miles away? You do realise that your marriage isn’t going to get any better when all your efforts are going on this boy who is young enough to be your son, in fact, maybe that’s what you should do, tell him to talk to his mum.

I feel sorry for your DH, I hope there are no children involved (can’t recall if you said you had DC) as they will be being neglected too.

would you be alright with a your DH talking to a 19 year old girl the same way you're talking to this boy? It's an EA, what you're doing is dishonest and disrespectful to your DH. You sound completely deluded.

Have you ever actually skyped/video called this child?

This is nothing more than a case of wanting gratification for your ego. It's not about 'connection' or anything else. It's about your ego being stroked.

And to put into perspective how gross this is, there is a bigger age gap between the two of you, than there is between me and my children.

It's beyond inappropriate but it doesn't matter to either of you because it is feeding your dirty desires.

So there really is no point asking for advice as you're not going to stop or change. If you cared about your marriage, you would cut ties with your teenage sexting pal. Until you do that, you aren't committing to your marriage and you are cheating.

Ok. So.

I just asked DH to read some of the messages. He wasn't very interested but I said maybe he should.

He knew a bit about the guy from what I'd told him, stuff I haven't mentioned here. The reason we met, other things that have come up with another mutual friend anyway.

I said I didn't want him to be concerned about our conversations. He said he wasn't but had a quick read through maybe the day two days? His response was as I suspected. He knows my sense of humour, and I got the "wow you guys talk a lot of sh*t" comment I'd been expecting

I was surprised how quick you started with the excuses.
Grow up. Stop with the ego stroking and tell your husband what's been going on and what needs to change.

We've never sexted . We've never skyped.

It's not about the contents of the messages though is it? You're doing that thing off the script with the minimal you can get away with. It's nothing about the contents and everything to do with the headspace you afford this guy, the amount of time you spend messaging and your feelings towards him. You're misleading your husband.

DH has mentioned before that I spend a lot of time on my phone, and I have, for a long time, way before I started chatting online to anyone.

I think it is an issue, and I'm going to make an effort to spend the weekend and family time away from my phone more. I think, yes, I am spending energy engaging with this guy that I could direct closer to home.

Have you shown him the messages where your friend tells you you’re beautiful and he’s going to miss you?

Are you trying to make him jealous so he becomes more like the friend?

It is delusional to think a 40-something married woman with kids is really, truly the only friend option for this teenager from the mid-west.

He sounds so socially inept that he’s using a person he’s never going to actually encounter in real life as a surrogate girlfriend and you’re using him as a salve for the lack of attention you’re getting from your husband.

It’s dysfunctional and you both need to put your phones down, step away from your safe little fantasy and learn to deal with your reveal-world pro lens.

Problems*