Advice please! Apparently my DP is cheating

[OneBigHeadFuck]

I need some advice on how to handle this, I've gone out to my car tonight and there's been a note left on my car telling me my DP has been having a relationship with someone for over a year and lying to us both and he doesn't deserve to get away with it and I should know.

DP doesn't know about the note yet he's out watching the football I should be at work but I've changed my shift last minute now I'm sitting at home massively head fucked not knowing what to do next

Please anyone advice

I’m another seeing those red flags.

I think you're now being massively unreasonable, if my DH insisted on looking at my phone I too would refuse because it would be breaking trust. If they then said something like if they couldn't look then they would leave then I would be helping them pack because by them even saying that it shows they believe an anonymous note more than me and how could I ever trust someone who was finding it so easy not to trust me.

If there was a gap yes he cleaned out his phone. Shit!

his behaviour with the phone seems very fishy. Perhaps he dumped his bit on the side and it's her revenge? Either way you'll never know for sure now. It's always better to play the long game and observe. He's probably had ample opportunity if you've been working different shifts to him. He may give you full access to his phone going forward to regain your trust, but there's nothing stopping him getting a secret second phone.

If he is genuine, a more natural reaction would be to be wondering who the hell would do that and why, if he doesn't seem incredulous and questioning you and himself for possible culprits, it's because he already knows who it was.

I don't know if it's just me over thinking but the lay 18 months he's been so overly paranoid that I'm going to leave him and meet someone better then him and how he couldn't cope without me ect ect

Red flag. Totally.

Yes, as previous posters have pointed out, unless you just haven't mentioned it, the lack of interest from him about who the hell could have possibly planted such a nasty anonymous note is actually very telling...

He was more bothered that someone had been to where we live and left in on my car and who it could be and that there was a small maybe 30 min window of him leaving then me and it had to of been left then, he thinks it could only be one of our ex's but mine likes to be more physical and at this moment in time his ex is trying to keep us on the right side so it seems so she's got something to lose if we split.

I've never ever asked to look at his phone before because I completely respect his phone is private and so is mine but he's reaction of refusing when I'm sitting there feeling like everything's falling apart j think there's an exception because if the note was reversed I'd give him mine without asking because I know it would be reassurance

He wiped his phone. Sorry op but it's obvious.

OP is it possible he wiped the phone before he gave it to you? Did he leave the room

It doesn't sound good as an outsider looking in.
I suppose to rule out your exes, do you recognise the handwriting? Against birthday cards, your kids' school planners etc?

I agree... he wiped the phone and he's now panic stricken because someone knows his dirty little secret to the point of not being afraid of coming to your door to inform you ... good luck either way OP..

The OP has not said he left the room or wiped his phone when confronted, a lot of assuming going on here.

I only know of 1 incident with a note on the car windscreen, left anonymously said a guy was cheating.

It was left by one of the neighbours and yes, he was cheating and they had seen the different women from their window.

Of course, it could have been anyone, with any motive, but tread carefully and listen to your gut.

It's probably somebody nasty who likes stirring. That's what I'd base things on at the moment.

I must admit I'd do a bit of checking to see if my DH might have a second phone, or how much time he has unaccounted for.

Had you given him any warning before he came home, could he have had an opportunity to go through his phone and wipe anything dodgy?

Trusting, but checking.

This happened to my best friend. She got an anonymous note, words cut out of a newspaper telling her that her husband had been having an affair for months. They were about to downsize from their beautiful home to a little cottage so he could free up money to invest in a business. In reality he intended to buy his mistress a house with the money. She never found out who left the note but they did her a massive favour. Trust your gut op.

Having access to someone’s phone, or them not having a password on it, means absolutely nothing. If people want to cheat, they’ll find a way to do it. I know a serial philanderer who blocks his mistresses and deletes their recent messages while he’s with his wife. When he’s at work or otherwise “safe”, he unblocks them. Rinse, repeat. His wife has full access to his phone and thinks he’s given up his mistresses, but unfortunately he’s just got better at hiding them.

I agree with those who say that most of these sorts of allegations are true, and in most cases it’s the other woman who leaves the note. She does it anonymously so she can deny it to the man and carry on seeing him.

Are you 100% sure he doesn't have social media? I'd check. You could make a fake tinder, Facebook and Instagram and see if he's on any. If you can't find him just searching his name then go on to friends pages and through their friends lists. If he hides his phone he could be hiding social media accounts. Do this before he comes home because I wouldn't be able to hold that type of information in without saying something (you light be able to) but if you're saying you can't check things because he always has his phone just confront him. Say something like "I've just been told some information about what's been going on for the last year so I'll give you the opportunity to tell me your side before I decide what I'm going to do". You'll know straight away by his face and reaction. Sorry you're having to deal with this shit! X

OP most posters said don't confront him, do a bit of digging first.
But you confronted him- he acted indignant- he refused to show you the phone. Did he have time to wipe it clean when you got access to it ?

Before he let me look he didn't touch his phone let me look, answered a call to his sister but I was next to him when he answered spoke and hung up so can't see how he'd have time to delete anything.

I'm going to do as suggested and have a snoop online and see if there's any secret social media accounts I don't no about, can't imagine he'd be stupid enough to have anything in his name

I’d say he has another phone. I think the usual places they keep it are the car, his gym bag, anywhere ‘his’ like his sponge bag or clothes drawers or work bag.

Maybe he was told by angry OW in advance that his wife was going to be told what he had been up to, so wiped his phone before coming home

I think second phone.

If it were me I'd follow him in my car.
Do you drive OP or could you rope in a relative or friend to help you?

I still think you should hang fire.
I was falsely accused.
Is your relationship good ?
Do you have a laugh together
Is he still enthusiastic in the bedroom.
Do you share special time together?
If the answer is yes then you have nothing to worry about.
If you've been rowing like cat and dog for the last 6 months there maybe something in it ..,,