Dating Thread 135 - Will Harry Ever Meet Sally?

[Kinunir]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Can I ask people's thoughts on chemistry? I think I've only had genuine chemistry with 2 people and while it was really exciting, it totally blinded me to amber flags - the first was totally unsuitable lifestyle wise and I fell hard. The second was emotionally unavailable and cold.

I went on a date last night which was great. A small spark but mainly 2 hours of laughing and feeling really at ease. I don't want to walk away from that one just because the chemistry isn't off the scale. Second date (if he asks!)?

Assuming you are asking from a relationship rather than FWB context, I think chemistry is absolutely essential cool. Without it, you're limiting yourself to just being good friends, aren't you?

Romantically, it would be nice to think it will be there from the moment you lock eyes but, in my experience, it can date a few dates to materialise.

That said, it is elusive and you probably won't feel it with most people you meet.

Morning all, it is a struggle to keep up on here!

Carousel like the sound of your profile and approach.

Love not sure how I'd feel about someone turning up on my doorstep. Bit freaked probably. I think you are right to be wary.

Tom I'd also be put off by someone still living at home with their wedding ring still on. That smacks of 'way too soon' to be dating to me.

Vixen I think you've got it right there. It shouldn't be that hard early on.

cool I have resigned myself to the chemistry thing being a slow burn these days. I cannot remember the last man in my age group that I saw and thought they were so hot I immediately wanted to bonk them - which I'm guessing is the ultimate definition of chemistry. If you had a really good evening and laughed a lot, why wouldn't you go on a second date?

I think I have a date in the offing with Mr BlackCountry!!!!!! He has given me his phone number and suggested two options. Given the recent ghosting by MrNorthLondon, I won't actually believe it until it happens, but it feels like a move in the right direction.

cool for me if I’m looking for a relationship (and they are too) then they need to tick a lot of my boxes, there has to be attraction, chemistry and he needs to share interests, also there needs to be no baggage. If I’m looking for a FWB then he needs to be easy to talk too, atractive and have a sense of humour (chemistry not as important and interests not important).

I think it’s hard to find someone you feel ‘the spark’ with through OLD, I have been on loads of dates and have felt it with hardly any of them, sometimes it’s worth a couple dates to see if it happens (if you get on really well) because they are strangers after all and it’s not easy to feel anything other than physical attraction straight away?

Thanks for the advice guys. TomHardy - I don't think he is a player, just think he has been out the dating game a long time (single for too long) and is just not putting in enough effort, either he is not really all that bothered (Most likely), has cold feet & freaked himself out, has a better offer.....

I just haven't really got the time to invest in someone who isn't investing in me y'know..... it is a 2 way street after all.

It is a shame as I actually really liked him.... but not a fan of second guessing someone's next move all the time.

I hate how crazy dating makes me sometimes 🙈

😊🌼

Yeah this is what I am debating, I think its worth a second date to see. Chemistry can definitely grow and from what I know so far, he has lots of plus points and things in common.

I have a FWB from time to time- who is literally a friend who I fancy, we are not compatible in anyway. And I think thats clouding my judgement a bit as I mainly want to rip his clothes off!

@Vixen - I know what you mean, I hate second guessing.
And once that starts, you know you need to step away.

I found WMLB book really helpful but the anxiety still gets me

tom are you sure he isnt still happily married? surely you’d take your ring off for a date!

with regard to chemistry, the only time ive felt it it has led to long relationships. i did ignore some “amber flags” and put up with stuff i shouldnt have, because id never felt that way with anyone before.

ive yet to experience a slow burn turn into anything, im always put off by month 2 or 3. i still would only date someone i felt chemistry & a spark with, but im more alert to red flags now that i have the experience. ive also listened and read to a few books which have helped.

i do recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much - it has really opened my eyes!

Kin did you pinch my ticket? Lol

PS Good luck this afternoon!

Tom I've got one a bit like at the moment (Mr Grammar). At the end of the last week we made provisional plans for Saturday evening. Since which he has messaged with less frequency and no attempt yet to confirm. As I have a childfree weekend I'm not sure whether to make other plans or give him a bit more time to come through.

Kin That was quick work. I hope it goes well.

I'm just waiting for my date with Mr Red on Saturday morning.

Oh no, you didn't miss out did you Val? I got distracted and didn't get one myself in the end.

Thanks Vista - I was encouraged to try a new style of messaging which seems to work :)

I've just had a very interesting chat in which the topic of "intent" came up and it made me realise that I am unable to verbalise mine in quite the way I would like.

If anyone can pick this apart and label it, or give suggestions how to describe it on a profile without disqualifying everyone, I'd love to hear your thoughts:

I'm not looking to get married.

I'm not keen on living with anyone, certainly not in the short-term.

Pure FWB is not enough for me - I need an intellectual/emotional connection yet and would want to go out to dinner, drinks, theatre, etc. yet, at the same time, could happily just meet up once or twice a week without getting overly involved in someone else's life.

Help?

@Kinunir I'm exactly the same as you! I want something committed and long term but I don't want to share my home anytime soon or blend families or anything like that! Its hard to explain to people though I agree!

Kin I can still get one just not the end of row. They are at the O2 next week so might be better for you.

I think both you and I are looking for the same kind of relationship, except overly involved in someone else's life, I suppose. I say that I am not looking for a live-in/marriage/FWB - something in between. If pushed, I say I want the emotional/physical attachment without the need to be together 24/7. I have had a relationship like this and it worked very well for me - spoke at least once a day and saw each other 2/3 nights per week with overnight stays, holidays etc. We were also close to one another's family and friends. I would say it was a full time relationship with part-time hours.

kin I think I would say you are open to options and see how it goes. I think that is honest, but you aren't looking for marriage or living together as an end goal. I am in exactly the same position, don't want a casual thing, don't want a long term thing either, bit of a grey area. Most people I have spoken with or met feel the same, no one has told me yet they are looking for kids and the picket fence.

Have a look at this link www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21277/the-4-qualities-of-a-conscious-relationship.html

kin I think most of us are looking for the same as you. When people ask me what I’m looking for I say I’m looking for someone to spend my spare time with, someone with similar interests but I don’t want to jump into anything too serious (no intentions of moving anyone in or getting married). Like you I would like someone I could see once or twice a week, I like my own space and doing my own thing so I don’t want anyone who’s going to change my life dramatically (I love my life the way it is). I think a lot of people want the same apart from the odd few I have come across who are looking for a wage and a baby making machine and they are in a rush to do it before it’s too late

esk maybe he is, he seemed genuine. But it felt he was starting this far too soon.

Margot I was ghosted by a Mr NorthLondon. I wonder if it's the same one? Really full on till the day of the date, then nothing.

vista I do think some coll off before the date. I arranged one with Mr Teacher on Tuesday and have heard nothing since!

Vixen if he's been out of the game for a while then I'd be inclined to cut him a little bit of slack.

As for chemistry, I think that doesn't always appear on date 1. When I met Mr Academic I thought he was cute but quiet. No chemistry at all and I relunctantly agreed to date 2. We had a second date and that did it for me. The chemistry was there in abundance.

Kin I called that 'Relationship lite'...
"All the good parts of a relationship, dinner & drinks on an evening out. Heading out for a day exploring or a nice weekend away. But I'm not looking to live with anyone for a good long while yet"

tomhardy yeah I've basically cancelled tomorrow anyway as it was looking like it wouldn't have gone ahead anyway so kind of made the decision for him. We're still talking but upto him now to rearrange something suitable.

kin - the line I use is that I'm not looking for a one night stand, nor a marriage proposal but seeing where this dating thing takes me & seeing how things develop.

X

cool i think you have to be careful with people who don't invest in that you aren't writing them off prematurely. I went out with someone off OLD that showed a massive amount of promise. I really liked and fancied hm v early on and I actually thought (for the first time in almost a decade) that I might have found the one! But then suddenly he started totally over investing and it completely freaked me out and drove me away. I thought about giving him a chance to cool it down a bit and I did actually tell him but by then, I just couldn't fancy him if that makes sense which was a real shame.

I always play it cool early on - I do think showing your hand too early is a mistake but you may be interpreting that as not investing which it might not be!

what sites are you all on?

last year I did Match and that worked out ok

tried eharmony this year and it was utterly useless

got a lot of traffic on Guardian Soulmates last time but not sure whether I should try that again or not

haven't tried POF or bumble (hear a lot of people talking about that)

I'm mid/late 40s (if that makes a difference!)

just the thought of making a profile is making me tired!

DaffoDeffo, I'm on POF on and off most of the time. I hide my profile on a fairly regular basis, just because after a while I need a break. I find it ok and you get plenty of functionality on it for free, which is a bonus.

I'm trying Match for a month at the moment & there isn't a huge deal of difference. I think you weed out some of the chancers on Match, because you have to pay really to get any kind of useful functionality.

I'm late 40s, so not entirely dissimilar age range.

FWIW, I have my 'about me' blurb saved to notes in my phone, so I can just cut & paste it over & don't have to flog through thinking it all up every time. POF is fairly easy to fill out - not too exhaustive!

Well it's definitely good to know my thoughts are so well echoed here. Whenever I've had the "what are you looking for" question I've pretty well gone with Vixen's response which is fine but I really want to clarify within my profile. On POF specifically, I struggle with the Intent field - looking for a relationship is too strong and I think wants to date but nothing serious means something different on a man's profile, i.e. looking for a ONS, which is where I am either.

Pudding that link was an interesting read :)

Spring Relationship lite kind of works, though I was also thinking about Friends With Benefits Plus too.

Daffo Same age here - Match was awful for me as I was paying to see the same people that were on other sites.

Ditto with eHarmony, only less matches.

POF is ok if you are new but if your experience is like mine, you'll soon notice it's the same people all the time and hardly ever any new faces.

It's quiet at the moment for me but Tinder has been good this year.

Badoo is a new one to me - I was originally sceptical but now I'm thinking it may have some potential.