Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

He's ok, in some ways I think it's a big relief for him to stop trying to pretend. He doesn't really acknowledge that his behaviour was the main reason for the separation so he can act the victim as well which he seems to enjoy. Now he doesn't have to wash or brush his teeth every day, he doesn't have to have conversations with me, he can indulge in his hobby as much as he likes..... he is refusing to get a formal diagnosis as apparently there's no point. I would like him to get one as we are still co parents and it think it might help me and my daughter if we understood a bit more about his specific difficulties ....

Horsecode thank you so much for posting, your words echo everything I have experienced, even down to the medication/having to ask my husband to wash..
It is good to hear that you are feeling relieved and happier, and your DC is coping well too. I have just made the decision this week, 15 years down the line, the realisation that nothing will ever change. It's really sad, I feel emotionally damaged too. I feel guilty but hopeful at the same time. I am dreading telling my DC but I know I am not being the best mum I can be when my head is full up like this and my gut feeling is pounding and telling me to go.
This thread has been such a comfort

You're welcome Namechange, I really know how scary it all is before you make the decision. You might find that the dc's cope better than you think after the initial shock. It was actually another reason I made the decision was because I could see my dd starting to emulate some of his behaviours and telling me it's ok to ignore me/not discuss problems/ just do her own thing 'because daddy does'. They notice and hear so much more than we realise. I didn't want her growing up thinking his behaviour was ok and that a relationship like ours was normal.

I agree that this thread has been AMAZING and supportive 💐 to everyone facing these issues

WRT masking, I liken it to a young child at school, who has spent all day concentrating on behaving well that, by the time they get home they're exhausted and their parents get the brunt of their bad behaviour. So, whilst the teachers say that he is the best child ever, the parents are faced with a tantrumming child who refuses to do anything they're told. For people with HFA, in my experience, they use up so much "energy" trying to fit in at work and with strangers, that when they're home they've run out of this "energy" and revert to their normal, as they should do seeing as how they're home.

As infuriating as it can be, I feel touched that DP can be like this around me. And, actually, quite relieved. We went through a period a few years ago when something happened to him, and he tried to keep the effect this had on him hidden, but, of course, it came out anyway, but in a less controlled, and more harmful, way.

I am a caring loving person to lots of people in need. But a husband is different. I didn’t marry someone and expect to be their mother. I do agree, anyone should come home and be themselves and relax and I’ll gladly accommodate that for my dd. But if I’m to be married to someone, I don’t want to mind them and look after them and pay their bills and clean for them and never have a friend to visit ever again.

There is so much being said here that echos the behavior of DW. Also that this thread is both a huge relief - I'm not going mad after all; and a source of sadness - I may never have the relationship with my wife I had expected and hoped for.

DS1 was diagnosed ASC age 5 - so some very obvious behaviors - but we were very fortunate that there was still good funding at that stage for support in school and for us as parents and I believe that parenting courses in particular have made the difference between DS1 failing and thriving - he's very much thriving! I can also confirm so many of the anecdotal comments are exactly what we were taught by some very highly regarded professionals and specialists.

As for DW she is so different to DS1 that until very recently when I found out about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and this thread in particular I honestly didn't think there was any way she could be on the spectrum.

TimeIhadaNameChange - it is absolutely a thing were ASC have to put in a huge amount of effort to take part in every day life, whether it be school or work, and we were taught very early on to expect very different public and private behaviors. DW is totally different at home and with myself in particular, I think there is also a thing where once they have a safe space and person they can trust they let the ASC takeover. For me though I feel like a punchbag for the constant release of the anxiety and anger that comes from not understanding the world and the people around them.

Misty9 - What keeps me here? My boys - DW is a truly wonderful mother in so many ways and both DS are happy and thriving, that isn't something I could ever put in jeopardy. What happens once the DS have left home I have no idea.

Daftasabroom

that is the first I've heard about PDA and it describes my husband down to the last detail. I feel like I am going insane sometimes when his excuses and negotiations take so much more effort that the task I've asked him to do. Over the years, I've ended up doing 99% of tasks just to escape the endless excuses. I'm getting to the point of realisation though, that this will always be how it is, and I'm deliberating whether I've got the energy and good will to continue. It's so bloody unrewarding.

cardeyscat it's the excuses that I find defy all logic - I bought a new vacuum cleaner without consulting her, she didn't do any vacuuming for four years! She's SAHM FFS with two at comp. I also do 99% of the cooking, shopping etc. She spends 40 hours plus a week on Facebook. It's a waste of a life.

Everything is compartmentalized. She does the finances but has the most complicated system imaginable, separate accounts for car, holiday, Christmas, general outgoings etc etc I honestly have no idea how many a/c we have or how much money we have. When we go on holiday every activity needs a separate bag for each person. I once counted 40 separate bag and containers.

She can also be oblivious to things going on around her - we have a small kitchen table about 3' square. I once walked in to find a four year kneeling on the table playing while DW sat at the same table reading, when I pointed this out I got "oh, how was I meant to know?" How can you miss a very active four year old less than 2 foot from your nose? This was quite funny, but all the same...

I contract so work away Monday to Friday a great deal - she has never ever called or texted me, the basis for this is that either she doesn't know where I am or what I'm up to, or, that as it's me that's away I should be the one to do the contact stuff!!!

Did any one have a parent like this. I consider my children’s father to be a great father. But a small part of me wonders, if I felt so lonely and abandoned , can he really be emotionally supportive to our children or is it superficial too. I know he loves them but is that enough?

so much resonating here. If I try and raise any of my concerns, after a bit of token consideration if he doesn't start shouting, my DH adivses me to to leave if he's that bad.

He's also said incredibly nasty things when he's been overwhelmed, but says that it's a sign of his mental anguish and because he doesn't mean it he has no truck with the hurt and my 'black book' because I remember everything he's said.

Why do we stay? Why does anyone, upsetting the kids, and also hoping that the magic will come back.

Does anyone think that at one point their aspie DP was obsessed ('in love') with them, and then it gradually burnt out and that's why it appears that they become someone else?

I don’t think he was ever obsessed with me really. I did read a bit about Pick Up artists a little while back and realised that he used many of the same techniques on me. It made me feel very manipulated. I think it was a coincidence, tricks he had picked up along the way that worked maybe. He would casually insult me ( in a very very mild way that you couldn’t openly take offense at), or start chatting with someone else, often a prettier woman and forget I existed. Just his normal behaviour really, but to a young woman in love, devastating.

That's a really interesting hypothesis iwish and when I think about it it could be the case. One of the contributory factors to my marriage issues is that dh has been obsessed with ds (dc1 and also ASD) since I pushed him out! And I often feel pushed out of their relationship.

Has anyone read any of the many books on this topic? I'm thinking of getting a recently published one on long term relationships and aspergers (ASD) as it might help. And dh might even read it as it's non fiction!

It's also important to remember the role of attachment - a mother will respond in different ways to a child who isn't really giving much back. Whether these responses are anger, withdrawal/rejection or over-involvement will have a huge bearing on how the person with ASD grows up reacting to emotional intimacy. And especially to how they experience parenting.

"And wrt to whether ASD parents can truly provide emotional support to offspring? I suspect not"

Really? All ASD parents?

eightfacesofthemoon I don't think it is calculated though. I think although DW is very self absorbed she really lacks much self awareness, and she definitely can't see the hurt she causes on a daily basis. Reading this thread I wonder if on a subconscious level the PDAs also realise they need a partner who can make up for their shortcomings. I honestly believe that DW also does love me in her own way, but she doesn't or can't seem to make me feel very loved.

Misty iwish so much to think about. Very perceptive.

I was married to one. Hideous experience that lasted a year! Had we lived together first there would have been no Wedding!
He also wouldn't have sex before marriage!
After we married the sex was awful he bruised my boobs by grasping them, refused to even touch me down there!
His obsessions we Dr Who and his parents!!!
He wouldn't spend any money and just wantedto be with his Mum and Dad!
We divorced! His Mum blamed me and they are now stuck with a 50 year old man child with a room full of Dr Who shite!!

hah, i suppose 'doing something wrong' should really be, not seeing things accurately or seeing them differently. It's been going on for so long, he's mis-remembered who did nursery drop offs, re-written history to such an extent that at work he's always talking about the DC.

Anytime they've had a sick day, he takes them in so looks like a 'great dad' - the fact that he never takes a day off and stays at home with them never seems to be asked.

I am not sure I'm not on the spectrum either though - we have a pantomime where both of us feels overwhelmed and like we do more than our fair share :)

wishi me too! I'm very easily sensorily overloaded, especially noise. But the rest doesn't really apply to me.

@SegmentationFault there is a real lack on research on the effects on children of having a parent with ASD. A fairly thorough literature search and I only found <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.autismsocietyofindiana.org/wp-content/uploads/ASD-and-Parenting.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwivvc-uwpzcAhXIthQKHdiuBBMQFjAHegQIBxAB&usg=AOvVaw0StGHz0KmeYKzAoR7sIrkM" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this which also references the lack of research. I'm quite amazed there isn't more to be honest.

But the difficulties outlined in ASD diagnostic criteria would make it difficult to respond to the complex emotional interactions involved in parenting, yes. Babies especially need a parent who can pick up on non verbal cues and not be overwhelmed by noise etc. Saying that, there are many other non-asd related issues which also complicate that process: depressed caregivers, traumatised caregivers and highly sensitive caregivers will all likely struggle too. Research shows that high achieving mothers are more likely to struggle with their infants as they have often used intellectualising their emotions as a coping strategy - but the brain switches that bit of your brain off when you've given birth so these mothers can feel flooded with emotions they don't know how to handle.

This is why perinatal care is so important yet sadly so under resourced.

Anyway, I'm derailing! But my experience and a few others on this thread it seems, is of needing to meet the extra emotional needs of dc in the absence of the other parent's input on that level.

if you spend time looking at female aspergers characteristics, they can be quite opposite seeming - people pleasing, poor boundaries, oversharing - I suspect quite easy for aspie women to end up with inflexible aspie men.

My DH won't even use spatulas he hasn't bought because they are never to his liking, I can't buy him anything because it turns out not to be right.

wishi I now realise it's part of the PA/PDA thing but I have almost given up with presents, I don't recall DW ever wearing/using anything either I or the DSs have ever bought. Female ASCs as you say really are very different almost inverse - I wonder whether Misty's mother/child relationship comments have a role here.

yes, i am wondering if there are 3 people on the spectrum in my family and we intersect in different not helpful ways! My DH never lets up, if he has to use an item he hasn't purchased about the house, he can still be muttering about its sub standard nature years later. He chooses all the decor, furniture, kitchens etc because he cares so much more - it's not worth my while to try and influence it at all.

Well as a child of a man who has aspergers (though not diagnosed) who also has 2 other children with it.
I will say quite frankly it’s fucking awful
Never called me on my birthday ever
Never calls me at all.
Lives in his own world
I make all the effort to have a tiny bit of a relationship with him, if I didn’t try then I would be forgotten
It makes me angry that he even had children, or that he persuaded 2 women to go ahead with having families.
Super clever.
I am thankful in a way that I am not clever like my brother or half sister. But the damage is huge.