Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

It is hard, isn't it? My OH doesn't 'do' emotion, at least, he does but only when he can relate to it. I've already said upthread, that he hugged me when my Ddog was pts, but was very distant when my mother died, because he knows what it's like to lose a dog but not a mum.

He's a good man, a kind man. I can put up with the rigidity and rules to a certain extent, we don't live together and I do my own thing. His ASD comes in handy, he never forgets to do a necessary task, it's just the odd little unnecessary ones he has a problem with. He loves to talk cars to DS2 and DD2 (both petrol heads) but can't really connect with the other kids and is actively terrified of toddlers.

The only real downside (apart from his absolute assertions that something is something without evidence or personal experience (we can't go to Belgium for example, it's 'boring and flat'. He's never been) is the lack of emotional closeness and the expectation of a sex life which is purely sexual and makes me feel like a sex worker.

How can empathy and understanding have been “faked” and if it is faked then surely there is a conscious ability to fake it

My ex had sympathy lines which he used and it was only after serious life events that his ability to empathise becomes known.
If I stubbed my toe he would say "oh no, that's not good" if I nearly died he would use the same expression.

I know I was guilty of assuming as didn't realise anyone could have no/limited empathy. Most people posting here could be in their 40s and knowledge about ASD wasn't readily available.
There is also a theory that ASD men look for highly empathic female partners so it's only when the relationship has been tested that the issues become clear.I overlooked many situations before my patience was tested.
I also found that as ex became more secure in his career then his need to mask at home was limited, perhaps his efforts at work meant he couldn't keep up the efforts at home. Also as we age we often become more comfortable with ourselves and Ex felt his way was acceptable so why change? Even desparate feedback from his children yields no change, not sure if its can't or won't.

Acceptance of ASD would have helped.

So he consciously faked it.
So if someone should feel that they have empathy with your husband for example, for having aspergers in the first place they shouldn’t, because the person with aspergers (mass generalisation) has the ability to know what “empathy/sympathy is” but chooses to not let others know that they don’t have the right ability to project that in a “real” way.
So consciously faking
Which I think is pretty calculated.

It's not typically conscious or calculated. They are often trying to please people and adhere to social norms which is difficult for them because they are unable to react with understanding of others viewpoint. They can hazard a guess about others feelings but it's not the same as being intuitive.

Following this thread with interest as I have been with my Aspergers husband for 13 years, married for under 2. I have known about his Aspergers for more than 10 years and decided to stick with him no matter what as he is a good man and I thought I could handle it. Today I am a burned out shell, exhausted and resentful. I'm not even sure if I love him any more. Maybe it's just a bad patch as we are going through a very tough year. I don't know. My heart goes out to everyone else in this thread. So glad we can all come and vent here. 💐

This thread has made me laugh, cry and despair.

I recognise my DP in so many of your posts. It's nice to realise I'm not alone but it make me feel dread that this won't ever get better. My DP has not been diagnosed and while I have gently suggested to him a few times that he has HFA he is not receptive to this.

A lot of his behaviours are subtle and I have often wondered if it's me rather than him. But reading your posts has helped so much - I'm not going mad.

Today I am sad because, yet again, we have fallen out over his utter inability to consider that I have feelings, and that his actions have made me feel frustrated, sad and disregarded. Over the exact same issue we fell out over 3 weeks ago .

He is incapable of reacting to my emotions, although I think at work (where he is a manager) he follows a script; someone is crying - look sympathetic, offer a tissue and a glass of water, say supportive things. If I cry at home he ignores it. Literally carries on looking at his phone, watching the tv, eating his dinner etc. I am always accused over being 'over sensitive' . If I hurt myself he doesn't react. I recently suffered serious pregnancy complications, he showed very limited reaction to these, even when I was haemorrhaging and required a class one emergency c-section he sat impassively next to me. No hand hold, no hair stroke, no words of reassurance, no I love you. I remember crying almost hysterically 'I'm so scared'. He just nodded and said quite sternly 'it'll be fine'.

I'm very tired of this and sometimes wonder if it's worth a lifetime of shoring up someone else emotionally and feeling battered and bruised myself as a result.

And I could spend hours explaining to him AGAIN why he has upset me but he won't understand jt and it won't change it for next time. It's like Groundhog Day.

He will sit silently while I talk. I will pause, waiting for him to respond and he will just continue to sit silently. No response. Nothing. I will try to prompt him and he will just say 'I don't know'. Or he will repeat a bit of what I have said, as if this is a way of him showing that he has understood it. It's like there's nothing in there. He's a perfectly intelligent person. It's as if it's just too much so his brain stops processing.

It's this type of thing that makes me feel like I'm going mad. It's insidious.

Oh yes, the sitting in silence after you've spoken and recieving no response can be frustrating. Or the one word answer.

He will sit silently while I talk. I will pause, waiting for him to respond and he will just continue to sit silently. No response. Nothing. I will try to prompt him and he will just say 'I don't know'.

This is the story of my life. I drives me insane. In any other relationship it would be stonewalling but I feel like because he supposedly can't help it I just have to accept it. You have my sympathies, it makes you feel like they don't care and your making a big deal out of something you shouldn't be.

There is something I need to talk to dh about and I have been putting it off for weeks because I don't know how to approach it so he will actually engage with me. I don't think it will make much of a difference either way, if he does engage I feel like he just says what he thinks I want to hear then carries on like the conversation never even happened.

Or he will repeat a bit of what I have said, as if this is a way of him showing that he has understood it

I've been following this thread for a while but I had to post when I read the above as it is exactly my experience and increasingly leaves me frustrated and hopeless.

I've been with dh 10 years and we have two dc. He is awaiting assessment but is fairly sure he has ASD- as does our ds in all likelihood. He's an amazing dad but struggles to see I have emotional needs and, whilst I thought I could handle this when we married, increasingly I just can't.

It's at the point where I can't ignore my own needs any longer and I feel so sad
for all of us.

Those who have stayed (so far) - how do you cope? What keeps you there?

It's not all bad @Misty9

He can be very loving, he's gentle and steady and reliable. We have the same life goals. He's an incredibly loving dad. Some things which I suppose could be attributable to ASD I actually find appealing - he's very measured, takes time to process things and therefore doesn't fly off the handle, for example if the children are being annoying.

Some things I find funny - his inability to make a decent joke is in itself amusing and had become an in-joke for us. The way he can't go to a busy supermarket because it overloads him and he can't think straight and buys all sorts of crap, is again something I have become fond of.

He isn't deliberately thoughtless or selfish, and when he tries, ie birthdays and Christmas, he can be very sweet and generous.

I just love him really. It's a simple as that.
Thank you for making me write that down, I feel less fed up about him now!

Oh and way he can't just fucking buy something. It all has to be researched to the nth degree and then checked and double checked. I don't mind that either, as frustrating as it can be

He will sit silently while I talk. I will pause, waiting for him to respond and he will just continue to sit silently. No response. Nothing. I will try to prompt him and he will just say 'I don't know'.

This is the story of my life. I drives me insane. In any other relationship it would be stonewalling but I feel like because he supposedly can't help it I just have to accept it. You have my sympathies, it makes you feel like they don't care and your making a big deal out of something you shouldn't be.

Wow.. this has been the past 15 years of my life and it's driven me insane too, I have tried to talk to him til I was blue in the face and all I could hear was my voice. It is so frustrating and it's made me break down and cry on so many occasions, it is painful to think about.

I have made a huge decision this week. I have decided after 15 years of a very rocky relationship (and now marriage) that I can't do it anymore. It keeps overwhelming me with sadness but he seems quiet and accepting. I feel like it is morally wrong because he has Aspergers but there is some past behaviour I just don't think I can forgive. I am so concerned about breaking it to my children. My DS2 is highly likely to be high functioning ASD. Does anyone have any words of advice? What to say to them? When to say it? I want to show them we are friends and amicable. We will have to live together whilst our our house is on the market and we have a 2 week holiday booked with his parents in August (my MIL is aspergers and an alcoholic) which I am now dreading. I don't want them to find out and for it to spoil this much awaited holiday. I honestly hope he meets somebody amazing who can understand him, he has many loveable ways, I am just totally exhausted and unhappy

 for you @namechange1357

I don't have any words of wisdom though, im sorry

Piglet thank you..sorry last post was a bit garbled, I was typing one handed whilst sitting with my son as he fell asleep. ( bath/Bedtime is another thing OH finds impossible to do, he frequently sits downstairs alone and often point blank ignores me if I call his name)
I have found this thread incredible, like reading my deepest inner thoughts. It is reassuring to know I am actually not crazy!

@namechange1357 my husband never used to do the bath / bed routine but as I needed him to (chronic illness) we built a routine together and he got the hang of it. Bath, hair wash on Wednesdays and Sundays, put on pyjamas, 2 books and milk, brush teeth and toilet, say goodnight. This really helps him to focus. Dealing with out of routine things like a spillage of milk or DS refusing to get out of the bath can send him into a flap still but means I get a break!

@namechange1357 I am in a very similar place to you and it is overwhelmingly sad isn't it?
I also feel I've talked until I'm blue in the face with not much response. We're going to try counselling to see if they can get anything out of him. Whilst I'm 70/30 in terms of leaving, I would like to finally know what he thinks and feels...

@Pigletthedog my dh also researches things to death! Sadly, whilst dh does many of the things on your list, they drive me crazy instead of endearing me to him.

Those who have stayed (so far) - how do you cope? What keeps you there?

The kids are what keep me here. If it wasn't for them you wouldn't see me for dust. I think if you make it past the kid stage it probably all settles down a bit although a part of me will always hate him.

Hi everyone, I've been lurking. My husband is not formally diagnosed- but we have had counselling and the psychologist said she is pretty certain that he has Aspergers/HFA which is why after 19 years of trying, I finally accepted that I just could not make our relationship work any longer. This thread has been amazing in terms of making me feel that I'm not alone. The long term effect of being married to a man who doesn't/can't have any emotional connection, no intimacy, no conversations about issues in our relationship, is very negative. He also has the sensory issues (I only realised what it was when I read it on this thread- huge fuss about minor discomforts - itchy labels, mosquito bites etc). He is a great dad as he is not reactive to emotional outbursts which is great, but my daughter is starting to realised that his communication skills are basic as he doesn't pick up on nuances in conversations and is very literal in his interpretation. I've been on medication to manage my anxiety and depression which I believe has been caused by trying to have a relationship with a man who does not have the skills to have relationship. It never even crossed my mind that he is HFA until the psychologist mentioned it- and then I realised that nothing will change as he doesn't have the insight or motivation to change. I separated from my husband almost 3 months ago now. For me - it has been amazing. I am off the medication (under supervision from gp of course). I still have counselling but in general it is a massive relief and because I did all the day to day life management it isn't any harder work at all. That is just my story and of course everyone's situation is unique but I wanted to let you know that it can be very liberating. The hardest part was making the decision.

Sorry ChickensError, I realise my post probably wasn't helpful to you as you were asking about what keeps people going. What kept me in the relationship all that time was the hope that it could change - but once I realised that wasn't the case I felt I had to leave. It wasn't enough for me that he meant well as it just didn't feel that way. I felt emotionally abused as time went on. I thought my daughter would take it really badly but she seems ok. It really depends on how much support you have as well .... I wish you all
The best of luck xx

Well done horsecode

Glad you got your life back
I know this might sound invasive. But how is he coping

No, no it wasn't my question. I was answering someone else's question but failed to bold the text because my phone flat refuses !

It was my question horsecode but it's helpful to hear your story and I'm glad it's been positive for you. Funnily enough, I found an old notebook this week with a list of things in my marriage which need addressing. Those issues still stand. The list was written 7 years ago